#trans!katya

She doesn’t know when it all started and when it all stopped, but she’s back. Katya’s back and she doesn’t know why, where. All that she was able to recall was that when she was still a tiny little boy, she had this place. She would always want to be tucked early because she had this place, where little boy Brian turns into this princess Katya, and she had Alaska, and everything feels right.

 The first time she’s been in the place there were snowy mountains enclosing a giant field of grass, and there was a lake. She thought that she’s seen this pace before. It was Alaska in photographs from her geography class. But she knew this wasn’t Alaska because it feels too personal, that place was all hers, until someone pulled at the hem of her sleeve.

“My name’s Alaska, what’s yours?” “…Alaska,” she remembers the first time she saw her. She hasn’t seen this Alaska in photograph before. She was actually convinced she ascended to heaven and saw an angel. Alaska was this tiny little blonde girl, with fair porcelain skin so unlike Brian’s bruised ones from playing outside, big doe eyes compared to Brian’s deep dead blues, rose pink lips, wearing all white and smaller than her, and somehow she thought that the name Alaska doesn’t sound fitting for her. She was so awestricken that all she could do was repeat her name. Alaska was the prettiest girl she ever saw, still is, and at that time, little Brian wanted to marry her and also wanted to be her. “Silly, you’re not Alaska, I’m Alaska!” that was the first time she saw her laugh and smile, and her eyes and nose crinkle when she does that, and it’s the best sight and the best sound ever. Since then, she made it so that Alaska always smiles. “I don’t know what my name is, I don’t want to be called Brian here.” “Brian? Why don’t you want to be called Brian?” “Because that’s my boy name, and I don’t want that,”

“why do you have a boy name?”

“because I’m a boy?” “But, are you a boy?” Alaska had asked that question with pure curiosity, looking up at her, and it struck baby Brian that no, she wasn’t a boy. It explains baby Brian’s love for pink, envy for his sister’s dolls and ribbons and shoes, why he wants to grow long hair, and that it was alright, Alaska is fine with her being a girl, then it should be fine, right? “Hmm, never mind. I’ll call you Katya. Because see,” Alaska grew impatient at her silence, and grabs her wrist and grins, pulling up the wrist she’s grabbing to show Katya, “caught ya,” and this place was suddenly her favorite place, containing her favorite person, so she breaks into laughter, feeling genuinely happy. She can be Katya.

When she returned that first time, she remembers being the little Brian who had excitedly told his parents that he’s not a boy only to be slapped by his father. She didn’t understood then why she was slapped, how come back there things were so easy, dresses, dolls, dandelions, daisies, but in here, it was as if dresses, dolls, dandelions, daisies, and she were wrong wrong. Father had hit him, and mother told her to stop talking about it. She obeyed. Pretty soon she got addicted of sleeping because sleeping would mean being there, being herself, being with Alaska. She slept and slept and wished she would not wake up to leave. Wake up in the body of Brian, in the clothes of this boy, go to school, listen to his parents, interact with people, but not Alaska.

“What do you do when I’m not here,” “Nothing, It gets really lonely without you here, so I just lie down and sleep, I guess. The grass is really soft here, and the weather is always nice and perfect.” “You mean, you just lie down here? Don’t you go home or something?” “What do you mean, this is home. Silly Katya,” and there she believes that she is actually just silly Katya, not a trace of the poor boy, Brian. Don’t get her wrong, she loves Brian, but Brian just feels wrong, like a curse, a cage, and she knows she’s not him, but Brian also needs help. By being the cage, the poor boy is also caged, trapped. She feels like Brian was his own mistake, and she doesn’t want him to feel that anymore. And to do that, she needs Brian gone, they both need him gone, at rest. When she’s awake, she feels dead, and when she sleeps, she feels alive and truly herself. She started skipping classes, sleeping, skipping meals, just sleeping. The school warned her of expulsion, she became very skinny, and that was okay, she gets to be at that place, as herself, with Alaska. Years have passed, and they basically grew up together now.  But then her parents decided to intervene. That’s when they forced her into therapies, sessions, school, and the church. They made her drink pills and tablets. Until she just got sick of it. When she sleeps now, she doesn’t always see Alaska, which was weird. She suspected the pills being given to her were the reason. And she can’t take them anymore, so she throw them away, but her father saw it. “Son, we love you, and we worry about you. Please do this for us, but more so for yourself” She wants to laugh at that. It’s funny how they claim to love, care, and support her when they don’t recognize the first thing about her. She decided she’s been “I’m not your son, please. Dad, I’ve told you, I’m your daughter, Katya.” “Brian, we’ve been through this. Listen, son–” “Call me son one more time!”

Her father decided that that was enough. They forced her to forget about the conversation (if you would call slapping your child a conversation) they had when she was younger, took him shopping, strictly making sure she shops in the men’s section, introducing her to their neighbors, giving her strict monthly haircuts. It was suffocating, and she thought that she was doing them a favor by letting them do what they want because at least she still has that place and Alaska, but now, they’re taking her away too, and she can’t have that. Alaska is probably the only person keeping her sane, accepting her, and she can’t lose her. So she lost everything else, but her heart feels light, she feels free. She’s a she. She moved out. And got rid of all of Brian. At that moment, there was only Katya. But then she stopped seeing her, she stopped getting back to their place. She thought she’ll wait for the pills to stop working, then she’ll be able to be with Alaska every time she sleeps. But she felt like life just fucked her over, when it’s already been a month, and she was never able to return. That’s why she started doing drugs. She never understood how she got there, maybe she was just crazy, ill, she doesn’t know, but she thought that it was a magic of her brain, so why not help my brain remember, get there. She did all the jobs she could get, prostitution, stole from the shop she worked at, became an entertainer, well, the funniest jokes usually had the darkest foundations, she got high and very high each day. She was just so desperate to be back. She promised Alaska, she’ll see her tomorrow.

“Hey, Katya, mawma, let me hook you up with this,” a friend from one of a club that she works in approached her one day. “What’s that?” “Oh, it’s strong, mama, okurrr, I heard you’ve been looking for real strong ones, so” “oh, sure, give me, what’s it called,” “Alaskan Thunderfuck”

Katya thinks this is it. Her key to getting back to her. She could finally be pulled out of this chaos, this storm, and be with her. In her calm, warm presence. She probably took too much of it, but fuck it. If death’s the only way back to Alaska, so be it. She’s coming home. She imagines Alaska lying down, for years and years, waiting for her. Alaska’s lonely. Alaska. She thinks of her as she sees how near she is from finishing the pack. Alaska. Where does she live, how did she get there. Did Katya just created her, designed her in her brain, was she just crazy? Were everyone else right? Fuck that, the question Katya wants answered most know is would she still be there, lying down, waiting for her? Katya realizes that the person she’s been obsessed for in so long was a total stranger to her. But at the same time she’s not. Katya knows Alaska’s favorite time, her greatest fears, she knows how she whines when she loses, and so Katya lets her win, most of the time. The other times, she’d just love to tease her. Katya also knows, for a fact that Alaska is the most beautiful being she would ever lay eyes upon. She remembers almost crying at how much she misses Alaska so bad, it’s like losing her own person; Alaska’s actually been a huge part of Katya, just Katya, never Brian, and she needs that. She remembers plunging into her sofa and watching her ceiling melt into goopy colors before she is being pulled into a very nostalgic sensation, and then she’s back. She forgot how long it has been. The place is still the same field of dandelions, the pleasantly warm sun, the single tree, and beneath it, within its shade was Alaska. It was her. Her heart sinks at the thought of Alaska staying there, thinking she’ll never be back, and shit, she missed Alaska. Katya thinks she’s probably been away for a very very long time because gone was the naive little girl, gone was the pretty blonde, this Alaska is gorgeous, probably already taller than Katya, and she looks so peaceful. Katya just stood there watching her until she stirs and opens her eyes. Katya could feel every emotion coming back to her all at once, she felt her knees weaken and buckle, and she’s kneeling now. “Hey, I’m back,” Alaska just watches her as she sits up. Not sure what to do when the person she’d been expecting the most and also the person she’d been expecting least shows up in front of her. There’s so many emotions welling up inside of her right now, emotions she’d tried to calm and diminish, but proved to be stubborn, just like the woman, in front of her. Katya had changed a lot, but she still owns that perfect smile that Alaska loved so much, and the smile that she’s searched for and missed the most. “Are you… just a figment of my imagination, like if I close my eyes, do you disappear, am I the only one who can see you, do you–” Katya grabs her hand and Alaska immediately has her eyes open, not sure when she had it closed because she was overwhelmed. Alaska focused on the girl touching her hand, Katya’s blues, and she was not surprised that it still has that calming effect on her. But she’s not calm. She’s way far from calm. The love of her life has returned after so long. Alaska felt like she’s been saved once again. Thoughts of spending all her time alone as a kid, popped up until Katya had saved her by taking her into adventures, swimming in the lake, treasure hunting, and believing that she exists before, and she is saving her from that same loneliness again. She was real enough for Katya, and that is the only validation that she wants, and all that she needs.

“I’m here, Alaska” Katya says as Alaska looks at their joined hands. Warm, Alaska closes her eyes and Katya squeezes her hand. “Alaska, pl–” ‎ “You’re real, Katya,” Alaska says as she opens her eyes, pure wonder and joy in them and Katya is overwhelmed at how beautiful her name sounds in Alaska’s lips. “You’re actually here, it took you long enough, I–” Katya did what she’s been wanting to do for a long time now. She’s crying now, she thought she’d never be able to taste her lips, hold her. Sure, Alaska’s taller than her now, which was not how she imagined it to be, but she’s reciprocating with as much passion, and it finally sinks in. Katya has Alaska back in her hands, and damn, it’s the sweetest feeling ever. Like all of her hardships and hard work and patience paid off. “Can I do that again?” Katya asks once they’ve break apart. “Depends on when you’ll be back.” “I don’t think I’m going anywhere else,” and as promised, Alaska kisses her then, and Katya feels like she’d finally completed Katya.

Brian had seen Katya cry a lot in the past three years.

She cried when it all got too much. More than once had he found her sitting in the shower, clutching her legs to her chest, letting her tears mix with the water. He had freaked out the first time it happened, not knowing what to do. He had stepped in the shower, still fully clothed, and just held her, rocking her gently back and forth. He had learned what to do in these situations, when it all got too much for Katya.

He had learned that it was best to turn off the water, wrap a towel around her shoulders and to make her a cup of tea. Tea with two sugars and some milk. Not too much milk, though. Only a bit so you could just see the beverage taking on a lighter color.

He had learned that she didn’t want to talk in these moments, but she did need someone to sit by her side. She didn’t want to be touched then, so Brian often sat on the floor while she was curled up on the sofa. Katya had told him that in these moments, she felt disgusted by her body. That she couldn’t stand the way she was born, that she just wanted it to be over and that she couldn’t bare being touched.

Brian’s biggest fear had always been something happening to Keira but Katya being alone in these situations soon became his second greatest.

Katya cried when she got her implants too. She had saved every spare cent she could, she had taken up more work, now also teaching gymnastics to kids besides the French courses she regularly taught. She had moved in with Brian and Keira a year after they started dating officially and Brian would have been okay to pay the rent completely but Katya had insisted that she’d pay half of it. Still, it was only half of the rent that she had paid living on her own, and that money made a big difference for her.

Pat and Brian had waited in the small waiting room in the surgeon’s office, neither of hem saying a word. Pat had turned the pages of all magazines the waiting room provided but she hadn’t really looked down to read anything.

Brian had tapped his foot and checked the clock every five minutes to see when Katya’s surgery was finished. He also checked his watch just in case the clock wasn’t ticking right.

It wasn’t a risky operation, Katya had gone to many appointments previously to make sure everything was going according to plan. Nothing could go wrong, really. But Brian was still nervous.

He hadn’t told Katya this because he didn’t want her to worry, but he had had his doubts.

What if he wouldn’t find her attractive with bigger breasts? Breasts that looked real, breasts that he couldn’t ignore. Katya was going for a C-cup, and Brian knew that this was fairly big. He googled it. He had stared at naked women on various porn sites, always concentrating on the breasts, never feeling anything.

But when he saw Katya for the first time after the surgery all his doubts where gone. She was still a bit confused and tired from the anesthesia, but she was beaming with happiness. On their way home she kept touching her new boobs that still felt sore and Brian could see the tears forming in her eyes. He had pulled over and Katya had begun to fully sob.

“I have breasts”, she had whimpered, “I have actual breasts.”

Brian had cupped her face and kissed her hard on the mouth.

“You’re so beautiful”, he had whispered, “you’re the most gorgeous woman in the world.”

When Keira saw them for the first time she had announced that she wanted breasts too and that she wanted them now. She had stuffed socks under her shirt and Katya had laughed.

“That’s how I started too”, she grinned.

Violet had insisted to throw her a boob-themed party. They had somehow gotten balloons shaped like breasts and Kim had organized a cake that looked like a giant breast.

It was ridiculous and silly but Katya had loved it. She had let Violet and Kim and anyone that wanted to feel her brand new boobs touch them and Brian had felt jealous but at the same time he had been incredibly proud of his girlfriend.

When they first had sex after Katya’s surgery he came to find that he didn’t mind the breasts at all. Quite the opposite, actually. He loved the new moans and noises Katya made when he cupped them or when he flicked his tongue over her nipples. He loved the way Katya whimpered when he squeezed them and he loved the way he could turn her on, simply by focusing on her breasts.

Katya loved to touch her own breasts as well and it drove Brian crazy. The way she ran her hands down her breasts to her stomach could make Brian grow hard immediately.

Katya cried when her mother had gone to hospital. She suffered from a stroke and Katya called Brian sobbing. He immediately left work to drive her to see her. He was now the store manager as Kim had become quite successful with posting her makeup pictures on Instagram. Companies now paid him to talk about their products and Kim had given several interviews already. Brian was very happy and incredibly proud of his best friend and he was also glad that he was now managing the store. He got paid more and in situations like this it was easier to leave.

Katya sat next to him in silence as he drove to the hospital. Her tears had left trails in her foundation and her eyeliner and mascara were smudged. She had pulled herself together before she entered her mother’s hospital room but she broke down again once they had left.

Pat was fine, thankfully. She stayed in hospital for two weeks and they had come to visit her as often as possible, sometimes taking Keira with them. She had been heartbroken when she heard, Pat had become like a grandmother to her, seeing as Brian’s parents still refused to talk to him.

They sent cards and presents on Christmas and Keira’s birthday but they never called. All Christmas cards were addressed to Keira, and only Keira, as if they were trying to forget Brian existed.

Katya cried when Donald Trump became president. She was afraid that her rights, the rights of her friends and the rights of people she’s never met were going to be taken away.

“This can’t be right”, she whispered as they were sat in front of the TV, watching the results, “This has to be a mistake, Brian, they’ve made a mistake. This can’t happen, Brian, tell me this isn’t happening!”, her voice became loud and she was shrieking. Brian was just as shocked as she was and Katya’s tear came from a place of anger. Anger and disappointment.

When millions of women, and other people had gone out to take part in the Women’s Marches all over the world, just days after Trump’s inauguration, Katya had cried as well.

When Keira called her “Mom” for the first time, Katya came into their now shared bedroom shaking.

“She called me Mom”, she said, “your daughter called me Mom.”

Brian had been surprised. And then was surprised by the fact that he had been surprised.

It made so much sense, Keira had been asking about her mother since she was three and Katya was a strong female presence in her life. She looked up to her and asked her for advice. Sometimes the two of them did yoga together in the mornings while Brian was making breakfast. They would roll out their yoga mats and Katya would show her different, simple poses. She was very patient and praised Keira whenever she managed to do a particularly hard pose.

Katya sometimes helped her with her homework too, especially when she had to do creative writing. Brian still didn’t quite understand how her mind worked but he was sure that it was different than other people’s. Keira wrote stories about dinosaurs falling in love or princesses saving dragons from knights. Katya encouraged her even when Keira’s teacher asked her to write stories that were more tame.

Brian had given up entirely to get Keira to dress appropriately after Katya had moved in. Sometimes the two of them would put on the most ridiculous outfits and put on a runway show for Brian. He loved those evenings.

Katya and Keira had just been to the fabric store when Keira called her ‘Mom’.

The summer holidays were almost over and Katya had decided to teach Keira how to make her own clothes. She brought out her old sewing machine and took her shopping. They had come home with three of the ugliest fabrics Brian had ever seen but he knew better than to complain. He just groaned when he saw them come into the kitchen.

“I’m gonna do some work”, he said and pecked Katya on the lips. He still had to do the finances for the store and he knew that he wouldn’t get any work done when Katya and Keira occupied the kitchen, which was why he moved to their bedroom. He ruffled through Keira’s short hair on his way there.

Just twenty minutes later Katya came in.

“She said 'Mom can you pass me the scissors?'”, she told him, wiping away a tear.

“Does it bother you?”, Brian asked.

“Does it bother you?”, she repeated his words and Brian shook his head.

“There is no one that I’d rather have as Keira’s mom”, he admitted.

“Brian..”

“If it makes you uncomfortable, I’ll talk to her, I-”

“Brian shut up”, Katya interrupted, “I just. I never expected to be called 'Mom’, you know? It’s just something that has never even occurred to me! I mean, why would it?”, Katya looked him in the eyes.

“I think I could get used to it”, she whispered and Brian pulled her into a tight hug. He knew that she was uncertain, maybe even scared. But he could feel her smile against his shoulder and he couldn’t help but smile too.

Keira started to call her 'Mom’ more often. It was unintentional at first, something that just slipped out when she wasn’t thinking.

But then one morning before school Keira had put down her spoon and looked at Katya, with her head slightly crooked.

“Katya”, she started, “are you my mommy?”.

Brian could see her swallow and he squeezed her hand under the table.

“Do you want me to be?”, Katya asked carefully and Keira nodded enthusiastically.

“Okay then”, Katya laughed and Brian knew that she was trying to hide her nervousness. He was nervous too. But most of all he was happy.

“Mom, are you going to take me to school today?”, she asked and Brian could see that Katya’s hand was shaking.

“Sure. Whatever you want, honey.”

Brian asked her about seven months after that breakfast.

He had talked about it with Kim. He had called him one day, when Katya was at yoga.

“You never call”, Kim had said instead of a greeting and Brian explained his situation to him.

He had talked about it with Keira, of course. He knew that she would be excited, ecstatic even. His only worry was, that Keira might accidentally say something to Katya.

He wanted to ask her herself, when they were alone. He knew that Keira’s presence would put too much pressure on Katya, that she would be compelled to say yes, even if it was too much for her. He wanted nothing less than to make her uncomfortable. Plus he wanted to wait for the right time.

He couldn’t pinpoint what it was exactly that made the situation feel so right.

In hindsight it was just another normal Saturday evening, nothing special. Keira was in bed, hopefully fast asleep. As usual Katya had gone to her late night yoga class. When she got home, she curled up with Brian on the sofa, still wearing her workout clothes. She was a bit sweaty, and she didn’t particularly smell good. She often joked that she was the sweatiest woman in her yoga class but Brian didn’t mind at all. He liked it, even.

Her painting was still hanging above the couch, now joined by tow other pink ones that she had gifted Brian on his birthday. A painting by Keira was hanging on the wall as well. Katya had allowed her to use her colors and one of her canvases. She claimed that Keira had a great talent, but frankly Brian couldn’t see it. Maybe he didn’t have an eye for art, maybe Katya was exaggerating or maybe he still needed to work on being a supportive father. He hung it up, though, even if it didn’t fit the rest of the interior design at all. It brought a bit of the mismatched charm that Katya’s old flat had had. Maybe that was why she liked it so much.

Katya’s head was laying in Brian’s lap and he lazily brushed his hand through her hair, gently untangling the knots that had formed. The TV was on, some cooking show was playing, but neither of them really watched. Brian could tell from Katya’s breathing that she was about to fall asleep, he could practically see her eyelids getting heavier.

He watched his fingers as he let strand of Katya’s hair run between them. His nail polish was chipped, but it was okay. Sunday was nail day, when He, Katya and Keira would all paint each others nails. It had become some sort of a tradition between the three of them.

Maybe the whole moment just felt familiar.

“Will you adopt Keira?”

There was silence for several moments. Brian thought, maybe she had fallen asleep but then she shifted and got up from his lap to face him.

“What?”

“Would you like to adopt Keira? You’re like a mom to her and she loves you with all her heart. You don’t have to, though! If you don’t that’s fine, I can understand, I just-”, Brian could feel himself starting to ramble, but then Katya put her hands on his bicep.

“Brian”, she said to stop his talking, “I would love to. God, I would love to!”, her cheeks were glowing and sweat was glistering on her forehead.

“I would love to”, she said in a whisper this time. Brian pulled her into a kiss.

“I’m so happy you said yes”, he mumbled against her mouth, “Keira will be so happy.”

He could feel her salty tears under his lips.

“I’m happy too”, Katya said, “you two make me so happy. So unbelievably happy.”

They had stayed up longer than usual that night. They talked about becoming a family, a real one, as Katya put it.

“I think we’ve always been a family”, Brian said carefully and Katya scuffed.

“A fucked up family”, she said.

“Maybe so”, Brian admitted, “but I like our little fucked up family.”

“We should get a dog”, Katya suddenly sat up. Her head almost bumped into Brian’s chin and he had to move his head quickly.

“Absolutely not”, he answered and pushed her head back into his lap where he continued to stroke her hair until she fell asleep.

He carried her to bed that night and couldn’t quite believe that she was going to become the legal mother of his child soon.

They went out for ice cream, when Katya signed the adoption papers five months later.

It was only a small celebration, nothing big. But it felt appropriate.

“Nothing is really going to change”, Brian had explained to Keira when he tucked her into bed the night before, “it’s just going to say on paper that Katya is your mom.”

“I know”, Keira said, already half asleep, “I can’t wait!”

“Neither can we”, Brian whispered.

Katya loved referring to Keira as her daughter.

The first time Brian has heard her say it, she was on the phone to cancel a gymnastics class she was meant to teach.

“I’m sorry but I can’t make it tomorrow”, she said, “my daughter’s got an appointment at the dentist.”

Brian had to sit down for a moment, he was so overwhelmed with emotions. He felt happy for all of them.

He knew that Katya loved kids and he knew that she never thought that she was going to have children of her own someday. That she never thought that she was going to be a mother who had to take her daughter to the dentist, who carpooled, who called in sick because her child wasn’t feeling well. He knew that Katya had struggled in the five months they had to wait before she could finally sign the papers. She thought that she couldn’t do it, that she wasn’t meant to be a mother.

Because she was trans and because she battled with addiction. But Brian had reassured her that, if at all, those things only meant that she was definitely strong enough. He couldn’t imagine a better role model for his daughter and when he told Katya that, she had started to cry once more.

He knew that Katya often doubted herself and that hearing things like this meant a lot to her.

He was happy for Keira as well. Ever since she was three she had been asking about her mom and now she finally had one.

Keira insisted that she had 'the coolest mom of all the kids’ in her class, because Katya let her wear what she wanted, because she sometimes let her stay up til midnight in the weekends to throw midnight parties, because she taught her how to sew and because she knew how to do the splits.

Katya had always laughed it off, when Keira had said it but Brian agreed.

He would have loved to have a mother who supported him, who let him live his life like he wanted.

He had texted his mom two months after the adoption to let her know that Keira now officially had a mother who loved her and who cared about her.

He never got a reply.

Brian had seen Katya cry a lot in the past three years but it hadn’t always been from sadness, anger or happiness. He had seen her cry from laughter too.

Her laugh was still one of his favorite things about her, the way she started wheezing and screaming. Often she held on to something, like the edge of a table, her knees or his arm. She slapped his arm when he said something funny and she threw her head back and Brian loved her for it.

Which is why their monthly dinners with Kim and Violet had made some of Brian’s happiest memories. Keira usually stayed with Pat on those nights, who insisted that Keira would call her grandma and she happily obliged.

On those nights they often stayed up until three and someone usually managed to make Katya cry with laughter. Brian felt a sense of pride when it was him, in these situations it was like he had been put on earth only to make her feel happy.

But he also didn’t mind when it was Violet or Kim and he could just watch Katya flailing her arms while she shrieked, wiping the tears from her eyes.

Lot’s of things had made Katya cry these past three years but not all of them were bad.

A lot had changed and yet it all felt familiar and right.

Brian was woken up by a loud cough. He jerked up and blinked a few times. The room was well-lit and his curtains didn’t do much to keep the sun out.

“What the fuck?”, he asked confused when he spotted Kim standing next to his bed, hands on his hips. He raised an eyebrow at Brian.

“Good morning”, he said.

“What’s going on?”, Katya asked next to Brian and his head whipped around, having forgotten that she was there. Her hair was a mess and she had pulled up the blanket to cover her breasts. She still was the most beautiful woman Brian had ever seen. She blinked at him with tiered eyes.

“What time is it?”, Brian asked Kim and he let out a laugh.

“It’s 12.”

“Oh fuck”, Katya groaned. Brian glanced at his alarm clock to make sure Kim wasn’t lying. He groaned as well when he saw that he was in fact telling the truth.

“Where’s Keira?”, Brian asked, his voice slightly panicked. He didn’t want her to burst into the room, seeing Katya in his bed. He didn’t have the energy to explain that right now and so he was glad when Kim assured him that she was in her room.

“How did you even get in here?”, Brian demanded to know. He was more awake now, and able to think a bit more clearly.

“Your door was open”, he explained, “it seems you were too busy to close it last night”, Kim nodded at Katya and Brian put his face in his hands embarrassed. But Katya just giggled and the sound of her laugh made Brian feel oddly comfortable.

“Fuck off”, he said, the sound muffled by his hands but Kim understood him anyway.

“I’m going to make coffee”, he said and went over to the door. There he turned around and let his gaze wander between Brian and Katya.

“And put some goddamn clothes on!”, he said before leaving Brian’s room, letting the door fall shut behind him. Brian sank back into his pillows and groaned loudly. This was not how he had planned this. Granted, he hadn’t planned anything but if he had, Kim finding out about them like this would have not been involved his his plan. He groaned again, thinking of the merciless teasing that would probably await him the next few weeks at work.

Katya snuggled closer to him and pressed a light kiss to his shoulder.

“Good morning”, she said in a soft voice and then she giggled again.

“This is awkward”, Brian sighed and she laughed.

“I need a cigarette”, she said and Brian could feel her warm body next to his own move. She got out of the bed, naked, and went over to her purse. Brian had to hold back a moan when she bent over, presenting her ass. She grabbed her pack of cigarettes and a lighter and walked over to his window. She opened it and lit her cigarette.

There was a naked woman in his room, smoking.

Brian rubbed his temples and wondered if this might be a dream.

He got up with a sigh and went over to his wardrobe taking out two boxershorts and two shirts. He laid one pair on his bed for Katya and put on the other one.

“I’m going to look after Keira”, he said and Katya acknowledged it with a nod, while she was blowing smoke out of the window.

Brian closed the door behind him quietly, and rested against it for a moment. Then he walked over to Keira’s room. She wasn’t there but Kim had heard him opening the door.

“Kitchen”, he called out.

Keira was sitting on the kitchen counter, her legs dangling of it. Kim shoved a cup of coffee in Brian’s hands when he entered the room and he smiled at him gratefully.

“Hey honey”, he said and pressed a kiss to Keira’s forehead before leaning on the counter next to her, “how was sleeping at Kim’s?”

“I want to go again!”, Keira’s eyes lit up, “we watched two movies and I was allowed to eat a whole bowl of popcorn!”, she recounted excitedly.

“That sounds fun”, Brian said and took a sip of coffee. He almost choked on it when Katya entered the room. She had brushed her hair, so that it was falling down her shoulder now, slightly curled. She was wearing his shirt, that was a bit too big for him and it almost looked like a dress on her. It went down to her thighs and she hadn’t put on the boxers that he had laid out for her. She was barefoot and in his shirt she looked tiny.

She grabbed a cup of coffee and winked at Keira.

“Morning, sweetheart”, she said. If Keira was confused she didn’t let it show.

“Did you have a sleepover too?”, she asked and Kim let out a stiff laugh.

“You could say so”, Katya said, ignoring Kim. She took Keira’s hand and inspected her nails. The nail-polish was already chipped.

“Hey do you want to come up later to redo your nails?”, Katya asked, changing the topic cleverly.

Keira nodded excitedly.

Katya moved so she was now standing next to Brian, her side pressing into his.

“Keira”, Kim said, “why don’t you go to your room and set up something to play with?” Brian knew that this was a manoeuvre for Kim to get to speak with him and Katya alone and he couldn’t even be mad at his friend. Keira hopped off the counter and bounced to her room giddily.

When they heard her door shut, Kim turned around to look at them with raised eyebrows.

“Soo”, he said, “anything you want to tell me?”

“It’s none of your business”, Brian mumbled into his cup, before gulping down the last sip of coffee.

“It is, when I come to bring Keira over and your still asleep”, Kim sounded offended.

“Look, Kim”, Brian said pitting down his cup, “I’m sorry. I really am. But I don’t know what you want to hear from us.”

“I think it’s fairly obvious”, Katya chimed in, “why do you want details?”

“Ew no!”, Kim said and his face scrunched up.

“Just- don’t let me find you in bed together, I guess?”

“Noted”, Katya said and Brian was well too aware of the implication that this hadn’t been a one time thing. That Katya wanted to repeat their night together.

“I’m going to look after Keira”, Kim said, “don’t-” he threw his hands up and left without finishing the sentence.

Suddenly Katya was I front of Brian, pressing him against the counter. Her face was so close to his and he could smell her morning breath. He was surprised to find that he didn’t mint it at all. Katya stood on her toes to reach Brian’s lips with her own and pressed a gentle kiss to his mouth. Brian put his arm around her waist but before he could pull her in even closer he heard Kim’s voice.

“Jesus Christ it has been ten seconds”, he complained and Katya quickly twisted herself free from his embrace.

“Uh Brian you should probably come see this”, Kim said and he sounded unsure.

“What is it?”, Brian asked slightly nervous at Kim’s tone.

“Just…look”, Kim said and Brian followed him to what he thought would be Keira’s room but Kim passed it and motioned to the bathroom instead. Brian looked at him questioningly but Kim only pushed him forward.

“Oh God”, was the only thing he could say as he looked at Keira sitting on the closed toilet.

“What have you done?”

Keira was holding a scissor and the ground beneath her was covered in strands of hair. The hair still on her head only reached the tip of her ears instead of falling down her shoulders. It looked uneven and the left side was longer than the right. It looked a mess.

“What’s going on?”, he could hear Katya ask behind him and then an “Oh”, as she spotted Keira who had crossed her arms defiantly.

“I cut my hair”, she said.

“I see”, Katya said and her voice sounded a bit unsure.

“Keira”, Brian crouched down in front of her, “why did you do this?”

“Because I wanted to”, she said and Brian tried to control his breathing to not get mad.

“I think it looks fabulous”, Katya said behind him and his head whipped around to glare at her.

“You should have asked me”, he said to Keira, his voice decidedly calm.

“Why?”, she asked and Brian couldn’t help but to raise his voice slightly.

“Because you can’t just cut your own hair! Look how short it is now!”

“Jacob in my class has short hair too”, Keira complained and her bottom lip was trembling. Brian could see that she was on the verge of tears and he did not want her to throw a tantrum now.

“Yeah but Jacob is-”, he started and then he abruptly stopped when he realised what he was about to say. But he knew that everyone in the room already knew what he had wanted to say, the unspoken words hanging in the air.

But Jacob is a boy.

He slowly turned his head to look at Katya. She was standing there, in his too big t-shirt. Her mouth was open in disbelief and she shook her head slightly when his eyes met hers. She turned around, her hair flipping over her shoulder. She walked away without saying a word and Brian flinched when he heard the door snap shut.

“You fucked up royally”, Kim said, breaking the silence.

“Yes, thank you”, Brian snapped and then Keira started to cry. Brian wished he was four too, so he could just join her. He certainly felt like crying.

“Honey it’s okay”, he said while uncrossing her arms to take her hands.

“I’m not mad.”

“But Katya is”, Keira sobbed and Brian could feel his heart shatter.

“She’s not mad at you”, he promised while running his hand up and down her arm, “She’s mad at me. I said something mean.”

He took a piece of toilet paper to dry her tars and Keira sniffled.

“What did you say?”, she asked and Brian sighed. He leaned against the cold tiles of the bathroom. Kim was still standing in the door frame.

“Do you remember a few days ago when you asked what trans meant?”, Brian asked and Keira nodded.

“Well, sometimes boys or girls are born in the wrong body. Sometimes a girl is born as a boy.”

“Why?”, Keira asked and Brian shrugged.

“I’m not sure. You know, some people can’t pet dogs without sneezing? It’s just a genetic mistake.” Keira nodded.

“And Katya was born as a boy even though she is a girl. And that’s very hard. She felt like something was wrong with her, when she was growing up.”

“But there isn’t anything wrong with Katya!”, Keira interrupted him.

“No there isn’t. But when I said that you couldn’t have short hair because you are not a boy that really hurt her feelings. Because when she was growing up there were people who told her that he couldn’t do things because she wasn’t a girl.”

“But she is”, Keira said and Brian nodded.

“She is, yes. But not everyone could see that right away. And I want you to know that you can be whatever you want to be and that you can have any haircut in the world because I will love you regardless.” He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Keira’s now short hair.

“I want to be a girl”, she said and he smiled into her hair.

“And girls can have short hair”, he said, “I was being stupid.”

Keira giggled at that.

“You’re a stupid Daddy.”

Kim huffed behind them.

“Yes he is”, he said and took a step forward to put his hands on Brian’s shoulders in a comforting way, “and he’s going to have to apologise.”

“I will”, Brian said and stood up. Keira’s eyes were still red but she was smiling now.

Suddenly a shrill sound interrupted them and it took Brian a while to realise that his phone was ringing. Which was weird. Because no one ever called him. No one except for – Brian groaned when he saw the caller ID and realised he was right.

“Yes?”, he asked as he picked up and he really was doing his best to not sound annoyed but he couldn’t help it.

“Brian!”, his mother chirped, too loud. She still didn’t understand that she didn’t have to shout all the way from Milwaukee for him to hear her.

“Hi mum”, he said and Kim gave him a sympathetic look.

“Brian, we’re in LA, we’re going to be there in 2 hours”, his mother declared and Brian almost screamed.

“Why didn’t you say something? I could have plans for all you know!”, Brian said angrily and his mother made a disapproving sound on the other line.

“We wanted to surprise you. We haven’t seen Keira in a while”, his mother explained and Brian looked at his daughter with panic in his eyes. She looked horrible, her hair was cut unevenly and there was no way in hell that his mother would find the whole thing funny. She would somehow find a way to blame it on him and then she would make Brian feel guilty and accuse him of being a bad father. A girl needs a mother, she would say and sooner or later Brian would run out of arguments or simply out of energy to have a discussion with his mother. His dad would stand there and nod along, occasionally making affirmative grunts. Always, always siding with his wife, never with Brian.

“Listen, mum, this is really not a good time”, he tried to speak up but he was soon cut off by her.

“Oh, nonsense! We’ll be there soon! Love you”, and with these words she hung up, leaving Brian defenceless and without a choice.

“Are they coming?”, Kim asked. He could probably read Brian’s face.

“In two hours”, he said and looked around. He would have to clean the bathroom, there was hair lying everywhere. He should probably vacuum the kitchen as well and his parents would expect coffee and cake. Keira looked a mess but it was Sunday and there would be no hair salons opened today. He could cut it himself but he didn’t have the right equipment and he hadn’t cut hair in years. There was also no time and there was still Katya.

Katya who probably hated him by now.

He hadn’t realised that he was shaking until Kim took his trembling hands in his.

“We’ve got this”, he said, looking Brian in the eyes.

“I’ll clean and bake a cake or something, okay? You go talk to her.”

“She won’t talk to me”, Brian whispered.

“Then you will talk until she has no choice”, Kim said sternly and began to lead Brian to the front door.

“I can't”, Brian said and he wanted to turn around but Kim blocked the way.

“Fucking go”, he said and pushed him out of the door.

Brian stood in front of his door for at least ten minutes, contemplating what he was going to say. When he finally climbed up the stairs and knocked on Katya’s door he had forgotten every word he had so carefully put together. It didn’t matter, because Katya didn’t open the door. Brian knocked again and again but Katya ignored him.

“Katya?”, he finally called out and he was shocked at how broken down his own voice sounded, “Katya, please. I know you’re there, I-”, he exhaled, “I was a fucking idiot, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Katya”, he could feel tears well up in his eyes.

“I know that you probably don’t want to have anything to do with me ever again but I’m sorry. I am so so sorry.” He immediately shut up when he could hear shifting behind the door.

“Katya?”, he called out after a few seconds of silence. Nothing.

“Keira thought that it was her fault somehow”, he said and at the mention of Keira’s name the door was being opened slowly. Katya was still wearing his shirt. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying and Brian could feel a tug in his stomach.

“I hope you explained to her that you are the one who is a massive dickhead”, Katya said and he could hear that she was trying to sound confident but her voice broke at the last second.

“I did”, Brian reassured, “I did and I explained what trans means and I told her that it didn’t matter and-”

“God Brian, it’s a fucking haircut. It doesn’t mean that she’s fucking trans”, Katya interrupted.

“I know!” Brian said and he put his hands up just to let them fall to his side again, “what I’m trying to say is, that it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter to me, Katya.”

“Well, it should”, Katya said crossing her arms.

“I mean it matters but I don’t like you any less or more because of it”, Brian said helplessly, “I like you for you and I don’t care that you’re a woman. Maybe I’m not that gay, I don’t know. But I don’t care. I like you. I really do. And so does Keira. And I know that I fucked up big time. And I’m sorry.” He looked at her, trying to read her face. She was biting the inside of her cheek and her arms were still crossed.

“You are such an idiot”, she finally said, but her face softened, “I forgive you.”

Brian could feel the knot in his stomach loosen and he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Thank you”, he said and stood there unsure for a moment. Katya blinked at him and he took a step forward to wrap his arms around her. He was hugging her tight, but not too tight. He could feel her breath against his neck as he hugged him back.

“Thank you”, he whispered again against the top of her head.

They stood there in Katya’s hallway for a while, embracing each other. Eventually Brian pulled back to look her in the face. He gently kissed the corner of her mouth.

“I’m still mad”, she said and he quickly drew back but he could see that she was smiling.

“I need to go back downstairs”, he said after a while, “my parents just announced that they were coming. God, that’s gonna be a mess”, he groaned.

“Oh”, Katya said, “they’re not gonna like Keira’s new hair are they?”

“They are going to fucking flip”, he confessed, “very,and I mean very traditional gender roles. Having a gay son who’s a single dad almost brought my mother to her grave”, he joked.

“Well semi-gay”, he added when Katya raised her eyebrows slightly.

“Plus you can’t argue that Keira isn’t the most talented hairstylist.”

“I think she looks amazing”, Katya said, “asymmetry should be celebrated more across the world.” Brian laughed but Katya’s look suggested that she hadn’t been joking.

“Wait are you serious?”, he asked.

“Dead”, she said, “but I can see why your parents maybe wouldn’t be into it. My mum’s a hairstylist, I can take Keira there and ask if she can fix it?”, Katya suggested and Brian could have kissed her. He didn’t, only because the had just fought and it didn’t seem appropriate, but he definitely felt like it.

“Katya, that would save my ass. Thank you. I really owe you.” Katya simply shrugged.

“You’re lucky I still think your ass is cute.”

Brian and Kim had worked a miracle, Brian was sure of it. When his parents arrived, his house smelled of a freshly baked banana bread and coffee. The floor in his kitchen was spotless and not a single hair was to be found in the bathroom. He had fluffed the pillows on the couch and Kim had karate-choped them “to entertain the stereotypes”. He had left precisely five minutes before his mum had knocked on the door, making it look like Brian had done all the work by himself. There was only one problem.

“Where’s Keira?”, his mum said, looking around instead of a greeting.

“Hello to you too”, Brian grumbled but his mum just stalked past him, pushing her coat between his arms, signalling for him to hang it on the coat rack.

“Hello, son”, his father said, somewhat awkwardly and Brian nodded.

“Hey.”

“So where is she?”, his mum called from the kitchen and Brian sighed.

“She should be here any second. I told you it wasn’t a good time!”

He went to the kitchen, where his mother was sitting in one of the chairs. His dad trotted behind him.

“I should warn you, though, she-”

“We’re here!”, he was interrupted by Katya. She came into the kitchen.

“Oh”, she said, when she spotted Brian’s parents, “they’re already here.”

His mother gasped when she saw Keira. Suddenly Brian regretted that they hadn’t seen her before Katya took her to her mum, because she looked much better. Her hair was a tad shorter now but much more even. Pat had put a bit of gel in them so they were styled. Brian had to admit, that it suited her. She looked a little bit cheeky.

“What have you done?”, his mother asked Brian aghast. He put his hands up in defence.

“I haven’t done anything”, he said, “it was Keira’s idea”, he turned to face his daughter, “you look amazing, honey, that’s much better.”

“Don’t you dare to think I’m stupid, I know that was your idea”, his mother hissed.

“Nope”, Keira simply said, popping the p, “I did it. And Pat.”

His mum turned to Katya know, acknowledging her for the first time.

“Are you Pat?”

“Uh no, that’s Katya”, Brian jumped in, “she’s my, uh, Katya.” His mother looked at him with raised eyebrows.

“She’s my neighbour”, Brian said blushing, “Pat is her mother. She’s a hairdresser.”

“Hi”, Katya said and extended her hand towards Brian’s mother. She didn’t take it. Instead she focused on Keira.

“But you had such pretty blonde hair!”, she complained and it sounded accusatory.

“Mum, please. It’s just hair”, he said, trying to defend his daughter, “it grows back.”

“I don’t want it to grow back”, Keira said, crossing her arms. I like it.”

Brian wondered how a four year old got that much confidence.

“What is that?”, his mother asked all of the sudden and took Brian’s hand.

“Uh, nail-polish?”, Brian stammered.

“Why?”, his mother asked, her eyes widening.

“Because Keira- God, Mum, I’m 24, I don’t have to explain myself to you!”, he said drawing his hands back. His mother raised her eyebrows.

“I think it looks nice”, Katya chimed in and her mother glared at her.

“I do not recall, asking for your opinion, Katie.”

“Katya”, Brian said and now it was his turn to be glared at.

“Let’s just all sit down to have some coffee”, his father said, trying to ease the tension.

“Well, it was a pleasure to meet you”, Katya said and Brian could tell by her voice that she didn’t mean it.

“You can stay if you want”, he said and his mother gasped again.

“I thought this was supposed to be a family thing”, she said and Brian whipped around.

“This wasn’t supposed to be anything”, he growled, “this is my flat and when I say Katya can stay, she can stay”, his voice sounded angrier than intended and his mother was clearly taken aback, her mouth was hanging open, gaping like a fish.

“No it’s fine”, Katya said and looked at Brian’s mother, “I don’t want to disturb anything.” She stood on her tiptoes to press a kiss to Brian’s cheek.

“I’ll talk to you later”, she whispered and turned around. She ruffled through Keira’s hair as she walked away, messing it up again. Keira giggled and walked over to the table to sit next to her grandmother. Brian sighed and poured his parents and himself some coffee while Keira got a glass of orange juice.

“Thank you”, she said and Brian felt a tiny pang of victory over her showing politeness in front of his parents.

They sat down and ate in silence.

“That Katya-”, his mother started and Brian involuntarily tightened the grip around his fork, “is she a man?”

“No”, he said, not wanting to discuss Katya with his parents.

“She’s trans”, Keira piped up, proud to present the new word she learned. Under any other circumstances Brian would have been proud too, but Keira had now undoubtedly proven herself to have terrible timing.

“Where did you learn that word?”, his father asked.

“From Daddy”, Keira answered.

“Don’t you think she’s a little young to know about such things?”, his father asked, looking at Brian sternly.

“No, I do not”, Brian said, “she’s perfectly able to understand ‘such things’.”

“Well, do you think it’s good that she’s growing up under the influence of people like that?”, his mother asked, “If you ask me she’s too young to-”

“I didn’t ask you”, Brian interrupted her, his voice raised.

“Brian-”, his father said warningly, but Brian ignored him.

“If you have something against the way I raise my daughter or the people I surround myself with, you are more than welcome to leave”, he said through gritted teeth.

“We just think, that it would be best for Keira to come to Milwaukee for a while. This city isn’t right for a young girl”, his mother said and Brian was just about to say something when Keira spoke up.

“I don’t want to come to Milwaukee. I like it here and I like Katya. She’s my friend.”

A wave of affection for his daughter hit Brian.

“Keira that decision isn’t up to you”, his mother said and Brian had to control himself to not yell.

“But it is up to me, and when Keira says she wants to stay, then Keira stays.”

“Brian.”

“Mum”, he said challengingly.

“You are on very thin ice here”, she warned and Brian couldn’t help but to laugh out loud.

“I am?”, he asked, “This is my flat. And I think it’s best that you leave now.”

“Are you throwing us out?”, his mother asked shocked and Brian stood up.

“Yes, I am. Are you honestly surprise by that? You come into my house, insult my daughter and my friend and basically tell me that I’m not a good father? I don’t need to hear that right now.”

His mother gasped for air.

“This is unbelievable”, she said and turned to her husband, “come on, we’re leaving.”

This was typically her, Brian thought. Making it look like she had made the decision to leave. But he wasn’t going to correct her, risking to start a new argument. He walked over to the door, opening it, and handed her her coat.

His parents left without another word.

He knocked on Katya’s door again, after he had put Keira to bed. After his parents had left he had talked to her, feeling bad that she had to witness the fight between her dad and her grandparents. But she seemed fine and not all too phased by it. She was mostly just excited for school on Monday to show Jacob and her other friends her new hair style.

He had called Kim to tell him how the unfortunate visit ended and to thank him for his help. Kim had asked if he needed Monday off but Brian had declined thankfully. He needed a distraction. And now he was back where it all started, standing in front of Katya’s door, hearing her shift behind it.

How’d it go?”, she asked as she opened her door but her face and voice already disclosed that she knew.

“Terribly”, Brian answered anyway and Katya opened the door more so he could come in. They sat next to each other on Katya’s couch.

“I had to throw them out”, he said after telling her the whole story, “They were acting unbelievable.”

“You stood up for yourself. And for Keira. That takes courage, especially if it’s your own parents.”

“I guess so”, he shrugged, “I’m just worried that they are going to take her anger of on Keira. They’re the only family she has.”

“She has you”, Katya interjected, “and she has Kim. And if you ever need any help, you know where to find me. A family doesn’t always need to be connected by blood.”

Brian smiled at her suggesting that she considered herself part of Keira’s family.

“You’re right”, he said.

“I always am”, she agreed and then her body was shaking with the laughter, Brian loved so much.

“What are we going to do?”, she asked after she calmed down.

“What do you mean?”, he asked but he knew what she meant.

“Us two”, she said and Brian noticed her hand twitching nervously. He took them in his.

“We can try this. If you want. Maybe we can go for dinner again? To another place, though, I don’t need your friends threatening to cut off my dick again.” Katya threw her head back and laughed, her hands still in Brian’s.

Brian was nervous when he knocked at Katya’s door. It’s just dinner between friends, he reminded himself, but his hands were sweating regardless. Kim had picked up Keira half an hour ago, when Brian was fresh out of the shower and had just applied too much cologne. Kim had just scrunched his nose and reminded him that it was dinner and not a prom date. Brian had punched him in the arm.

When Katya opened her door Brian’s heart stopped beating. He was sure he would die right there in the dim hallway, standing in front of Katya.

She wore a red dress covered in fringe. Her black heels made her almost as tall as Brian. Her hair was braided into two braids, that fell down her shoulders to her breasts, which looked bigger than usual. Brian knew that hormones could give you an A cup, and while he was by no means an expert, he was sure that this was at least a C cup. She dressed up for me, he realized. He couldn’t help but laugh when he saw the little doll hand clipped to the side of her head.

“It’s fashion, Trixie”, she said as a greeting and Brian had to laugh even more.

“You look nice”, he said and Katya smiled.

“I know”, she grinned and Brian snorted. He hadn’t offered her his arm but she took it anyway, linking it with her own.

“You ready?”, she asked and Brian nodded affirmatively.

“So where are we going?”, she asked once they were stood outside of their building. It wasn’t quite dark outside yet and it was still relatively warm.

“There’s a Vegetarian Restaurant nearby”, Brian said, “it’s a fifteen minute walk, are you up for that?”

“I have good company”, Katya said and they started walking, arms still linked together.

“So you said you were into gymnastics?”, Brian asked trying to make conversation.

“Oh yeah!”, Katya said, “I come from a fitness family, you know? My parents insisted that we all did sports and I stuck with gymnastics.”

“I thought of singing Keira up for a class”, Brian explained.

“It’s honestly so much fun”, she said, “wait!” she unlinked their arms and looked around herself. Then she pulled up her dress a little and slowly sank into a split. Right there in the middle of the pavement. But because this was LA and people paid her no mind. Well, except for Brian, who watched her with an open mouth.

“Oh my god”, he exclaimed when she hit the ground. She bounced up and down a couple of times and he laughed. Then she swung her legs around and extended her arm, wiggling her fingers. Brian grabbed her hand and pulled her back up.

“That was – wow”, he said and Katya smirked.

“I’m a woman of many talents”, she said and let go of his hand to link their arms again. She was closer now, her side pressed against his and he could feel his skin shivering underneath is clothes. God, the things this woman did to him.

The restaurant wasn’t very crowded even though it was a Saturday. Only a few tables were occupied and Katya and Brian chose a table in the back, further away from where most people were sitting. The walls were painted green and Katya let herself fall onto a white bench while Brian sat down on a chair opposite of her. He watched her as she looked around the restaurant. There were pictures and cloths hanging on the walls. The room was decorated with trinkets that the owner had probably picked up at various flea markets. A little golden elephant figurine was set up next to a hideous red vase. It all was kind of mismatched and it reminded him of Katya’s flat. Keira had loved the place when they had discovered it. She had looked around in awe, not unlike Katya. Maybe that was why he decided to bring her here, to see her look around in astonishment and to have an excuse to look at her.

“This is a really nice place”, she commented after a while and Brian smiled.

“Keira likes it too”, he said and Katya looked at him with her blue eyes.

“I can see why.”

“Hi, I’m Jason, I’m your waiter for the evening”, a bored voice suddenly said next to Brian. He looked up at the young man who wore his long black hair in a bun. He wore tight black jeans and a white dress shirt.

“Can I bring you anything to – BITCH”, he suddenly shrieked loudly. Some heads turned their way and Brian looked at Katya confused but the blonde woman just stared at their waiter open mouthed.

“Oh. My. God”, she said punctuating every word “you fucking cunt.”

Now, Brian was really confused. He watched as Katya stood up and pulled Jason into a tight hug. When the separated his hands remained on her shoulders. He looked her up and down.

“Bitch you look great”, he said a tad too loud, “look at those tittys!”

“They’re not real”, Katya laughed and Jason joined in.

“Vi, this is Brian”, Katya said, finally turning her head back to Brian, “Brian this is Violet. Well Jason but Violet’s fine. They were my roommate when I used to do drag”, she explained.

“Hi”, Brian waved awkwardly and Jason, or Violet, ignored him. They looked at him quickly and turned their attention back to Katya.

“Get it girl”, they grinned and Katya hit their arm playfully.

“So my boss is gonna get really pissy if I don’t take your orders soon so what do you guys wanna drink?”, they said and Katya sat back down.

“I’ll just have a water”, she said, “oh no wait! Do you have coffee?”

“Bitch it’s 7:30”, Violet said clearly judging her but Katya just shrugged.

“I’ll have a coffee”, she insisted.

“And for you?”, Violet turned their attention to Brian, “something with a lot of alcohol and a Xanax when you’re having to deal with that one?”, they gestured to Katya and she gasped exaggeratedly.

“You’re a whore”, she said and Violet cackled.

“I’ll uh”, Brian said, “I’ll think I’ll just have a water?”, he said and felt incredibly awkward.

“Well don’t say I didn’t try to warn you”, Violet turned around on their heel and walked off. Katya looked after them.

“God I haven’t seen them in ages”, she sighed.

“Did they do drag too?”, Brian asked.

“Oh yeah. I think they still do. At least I hope so, they were so good. God, I had no idea they moved here! The rotted cunt didn’t tell me.” Brian chuckled nervously.

Violet came back with their drinks and set them down before them.

“So are you ready to order?”

“You, uh, you never brought as a menu”, Brian said carefully and Katya started her wheezing laugh that Brian loved to hear. She grabbed the edge of the table. Violet just raised an eyebrow at them and turned around to grab them two menus. They dropped them on the table and crossed their arms. They didn’t leave like any normal waiter would have, instead they just stood there, tapping their food impatiently. Brian felt incredibly uncomfortable and rushed, so he just ordered the first thing he saw.

“I’ll have the Vegan Caesar Salad”, he said and Violet nodded, not writing his order down. Katya took longer to order. She wasn’t phased at all by Violet’s presence and looked through the menu multiple times. Violet coughed a few times to signal that they wanted her to hurry but Katya simply ignored her. She finally closed the menu.

“I’ll have the Vegan Caesar salad as well”, she said and handed Violet her menu.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”, they groaned and Brian had to bite his bottom lip to not start laughing. He didn’t know Violet, but he knew that they probably wouldn’t appreciate being laughed at. He just handed them his menu and Violet grabbed it from his hand.

“Oh my god are you losers wearing the same fucking nail-polish?”, they snickered.

“Fuck off and bring us our food”, Katya said giving Violet a exaggerated smile and they flipped her of. However they did turn around and walked over to the kitchen.

“Violet’s such a bitch”, Katya laughed and Brian smiled at her weakly, not really knowing what to say.

“But really nice. I miss them.”

“Yeah they seem…great”, Brian said carefully and Katya let out a laugh.

“They can come on really strong but once you get to know them, they’re the sweetest. If they like you, that is. If not you’re fucked.”

“I’m a bit intimidated”, Brain confessed.

“When I first met them I thought they wanted to kill me”, Katya laughed, “they are just really really confident.”

“I can tell”, he said, “So tell me about your drag! If you don’t mind, of course.”

Katya sighed.

“It was all really confusing”, she explained, “Like, I thought it would be enough to just dress as a woman at night and perform, but it really wasn’t. I did like a weird Russian character and I did lipsync performances to Russian songs. I think most of the people that came to my shows thought I was actually from Russia”, she chuckled lightly. Brian didn’t say anything to not interrupt her.

“But like I said it was tough, I was in a really bad place. Like I was on so many drugs, it’s a miracle I’m still alive”, she laughed but it sounded forced and nervous. Brian hadn’t seen that coming.

“You don’t have to tell me all this”, he said when he realized she was getting more personal than expected.

“No it’s fine”, she said and took a deep breath, “I’m sober now. Apart from weed, but that’s not doing any harm. I just took the drugs to feel better, you know? Like, I could forget that I was in this body for a few hours. It felt good. Right somehow. Violet actually helped me a lot at the time when I was trying to stop.” Katya looked at Brian, trying to rad his face.

“This is a lot, sorry for dumping that all on you”, she said and took a sip of her coffee.

“I think it’s great, that you’re so open about this”, Brian said earnestly and she smiled at him weakly.

“Sometimes it feels good to talk about it”, she shrugged.

Violet came back with their food and looked at them with judging eyes, sensing the mood-shift.

“Wow, you guys are having a blast, aren’t you?”, they snorted, as they set their salads in front of Brian and Katya. They turned around before either of them could respond and walked off to another table.

“Tell me about you, then”, Katya said and crooked her head slightly.

“What do you want to know?”, he asked between bites.

“How does a gay man get a daughter?”, she asked and Brian sighed.

“I was drunk, I met a girl, I thought ‘Hey, maybe I’m not a too big disappointment to my parents if I’m at least bisexual’, we had sex, it was awful, I forgot about her, nine months later Keira was at my doorstep and I never saw her again”, he explained, not wanting to go into too much detail.

“Ouch”, Katya said, “she sounds lovely.”

“Honestly, I don’t even remember what she looked like”, Brian shrugged, “but I sure had a blast, explaining the whole situation to my parents.” Katya smiled sympathetically.

“Well, from what I can see, she’s turning out pretty good”, she said.

“She is. I never wanted to have kids, but she’s just such a sweetheart. Although I would appreciate it, if you’d stop encouraging her to dress the way she does”, he laughed.

“Hey! Our fashion sense is amazing”, Katya exclaimed and Brian’s heart fluttered a bit, when she said 'our’.

“Is it?”, he questioned and Katya pretended to be shocked.

“I saw you wearing a fucking fanny pack the other day”, and Brian burst out laughing and Katya started wheezing again, slapping her knee repeatedly. A few people turned their heads and looked at them.

“Fair enough”, Brian said when he had calmed down. They continued eating in a comfortable silence. Suddenly he could feel his phone vibrating in his pocket. Slightly panicked he pulled it out, thinking something might had happened to Keira. But Kim had only sent him a photo o f her, sitting on his couch. Her hair looked ridiculous, Kim had put it into many little ponytails and she was snuggled in a blanket. Her eyes were closed and a bowl of half eaten popcorn was balanced on her lap. Brian smiled fondly at his screen and then turned his phone around to show Katya.

“Aaaaww”, she squealed and then took his phone from his hands.

“May I?”, she asked but she was already typing something.

“There”, she said and and handed it back to him, “I put in my number. Feel free to send me pictures of your child whenever you want. That sounds creepy. I mean that in a non-creepy, non-predatory way.” Brian snorted when he saw what name she had given herself.

“Russian Hooker”, he read out loud and Katya grinned at him cheekily.

“Text me something, so I’ll have your number as well”, she demanded and Brian considered briefly what to text her. She laughed out loud when she got his text.

To Russian Hooker: How much do you charge?

“More than you can afford, Trixie”, she said as she saved his number.

“Since your inviting me, I’m going to go the bathroom while you pay, okay?”, she said and stood up before he could say anything.

He made eye contact with Violet and signaled for them to come over.

“I’d like to pay”, he said but Violet ignored him and sat down in Katya’s seat.

“Listen”, they said, their voice stern, “I’m going to say a few things to you and you’re gonna listen, understood?”, Brian nodded and he hated that he was so intimidated by them.

“I’m not only sexy, I’m also smart”, they said, “and I know that Katya wants to fuck you,” Brian’s eyes widened at that but Violet continued, “and I also know that you want to fuck her.”

“I don’t - “, Brian started but he was interrupted by Violet again.

“Shut up, yes you do. Katya is very fragile. Katya has been hurt before and she doesn’t trust people easily. I don’t know why but she seems to trust you.”

“You haven’t talked to her in years”, Brian said, a bit annoyed by the fact that Violet was trying to, to what? To threaten him?

“I still know her better than you”, Violet said and raised an eyebrow in a challenging way. Brian said nothing.

“I can also tell that you’re gay. And while Katya might have a dick she’s still not a man, you understand? She’s not going to be the fulfillment of some weird fetish you might have.”

Violet leaned in closer.

“I might haven’t seen her for a while but if you fucking hurt her I will fucking castrate you!”, they said through gritted teeth. They leaned back again.

“That’s 23$”, they said and stood up, slamming the bill on the table.

“I don’t want to fuck her”, Brian said but the words didn’t sound convincingly. Who was he kidding? Yes, he wanted to.

“Oh, please”, Violet snorted. In that moment Katya came back from the bathroom

“What’s going on?”. She asked, sensing the awkward tension.

“I’m waiting for him to pay”, Violet said and Brian wondered if it even took effort to sound so annoyed, if they had to practice it or if it just came naturally. He quickly fumbled out his wallet and put some cash on the table, leaving Violet a too high tip. They definitely didn’t deserve it but if Brian was being honest, he was kind of afraid of them.

Katya pulled them into a tight hug and he could see Violet soften. They handed her a piece of paper and said: “Call me. We’ve got a lot of catching up to do.” Katya kissed their cheek once and pulled away from them, walking over to where Brian was standing. She took his hand as if it was naturally and smiled at Violet.

“See you around, whore”, she said and Violet winked.

“Bye cunt”, they said and Brian wondered if that would be how he talked if he had done drag professionally.

“Uh bye”, he said and waved but Violet just turned around and ignored him.

The air had cooled down drastically as they stepped outside the restaurant.

“Fuck”, Katya said, “it’s cold!”

Brian could see her shivering. Reluctantly, he let go of her hand, to take off his jacket. He wrapped it around her shoulders and she glanced at him.

“Aren’t you going to be cold?”, she asked and Brian shook his head.

“I’m alright”, he said. It was a lie, he was cold, but he found himself thinking that he’d gladly be cold if that meant Katya wasn’t.

“So what did Vi say to you?”, she asked, wrapping her arms around herself.

“Nothing important”, he lied and he could see that Katya didn’t believe him. She didn’t pressure him into talking though, and he appreciated it.

“I have the feeling that they think they’re better than me”, he said instead and Katya giggled.

“They probably are”, she said, “They’re better than most people. Problem’s just they know it.”

“Mhmm”, Brian said. He didn’t know how to think of Violet and it frustrated him. But Katya seemed to think highly of them and that had to count for something.

“Thank you for dinner”, Katya said and Brian smiled at her fondly.

“Thank you for the painting”, he replied.

“I had fun tonight”, she continued, “it felt great being able to talk so honestly with someone.”

“Well, if you ever want to talk you have my number, hooker”, Brian grinned and Katya laughed. It was so easy to make her laugh and Brian suddenly felt like this was his sole purpose in life. Making her laugh, making her happy.

“Sure thing, Tracy”, she said.

“Trixie”, he corrected but Katya just shrugged.

“Trixie, Tracy, Tallulah – it’s all the same.”

“If you say so”, he said and they walked next to each other, their bodies close but not quite touching. Brian was cold and Katya had taken a cigarette out of her purse a few minutes ago. He knew that the smell would linger and that it would be hard to wash it out off the jacket but he also knew that he didn’t mind, because this was Katya. He knew that he didn’t mind that Katya was a woman either. He had found her intriguing ever since he first met her. He knew that he wanted to get to know her better, that he wanted to make her laugh.

He knew that he wanted to fuck her, or maybe that he wanted to get fucked by her, Violet be damned. She was something else, something new, and Brian was drawn to her.

They were standing in front of their building and Brian was fumbling with his keys while Katya stepped out her cigarette. He held the door open for her and her side brushed against him when she entered. They climbed up the stairs in silence and Katya stopped at his door. She pulled the jacket from her shoulders and handed it to Brian.

“Do you, uh, do you want to come in for a drink?”, he asked and all of the sudden he felt nervous.

“I don’t drink, I’m an ex-addict”, she reminded him.

“Right”, he said but he made no move to enter his flat.

And then all of the sudden Katya pressed him against his door with a surprising amount of strength and her mouth was on his. Brian gasped in surprise but then he was kissing her back and his hands came to rest on her hips. Katya broke the kiss, too soon for Brian’s liking, but her body remained pressed against his. The door handle was digging into his lower back uncomfortably but he couldn’t care less. He had dropped the jacket and it was lying to their feet. He could taste smoke on his lips.

“I can still come in though”, her voice was low and he could feel her breath hot on his cheek, “if you want me to.”

“Please”, he said, fingers still digging into her side.

He reached behind him to open his door and they stumbled into his dark flat. It took him a while to find the light switch next to the door but eventually the he got it and there was Katya, standing in his entry area, looking gorgeous despite the crappy lightning. She looked at him, her lips slightly parted and Brian took a step forward, cupping her cheeks.

“You are so beautiful”, he mumbled before he pressed his lips onto hers and he could feel how she practically melted into the kiss, deepening it. Her fingers gripped the front of his shirt and he could feel her nails through the thin fabric. He pressed her against the door and ow it was her who was trapped. Her hands left his chest and trailed down his body and then she was grabbing his ass and he groaned against her mouth. She chuckled lightly and suddenly her tongue entered his mouth.

“Where is your bedroom?”, she asked when she broke the kiss, leaving Brian panting for more. He took her hands and led her there. Once they had entered, Katya pushed him onto the bed and then she was on top of him, straddling him. Her mouth was back on his and now Brian was the one who let his hands roam around her back before they came to rest on her ass. Her grabbed it experimentally and she moaned into the kiss. Brian realized her never wanted her to stop making those noises, ever.

He could feel her hands at the hem of his shirt and he lifted his arms so she could take it off. Katya threw it on the ground next to his bed and her hands were on his chest again. Without the shirt in the way the sensation was so much more and Brian gasped when she flicked his left nipple. He could hear Katya giggle and he loved how she never stopped laughing, not even in a situation like this. She placed little kisses down his chin and Brian moaned when she reached his neck, tipping his head back to give her better access. She licked over his Adam’s apple and then she began to suck at the skin at his collarbone. Her fingers were still playing with his nipple and Brian grabbed her ass harder. She moaned into the crook of his neck and Brian knew that she was going to leave a mark, that Kim would tease him over relentlessly but he didn’t care. He could feel himself getting hard and he knew that Katya could feel it too because all of the sudden she was grinding down on his lap and Brian moaned loudly.

“Katya”, he breathed out and she giggled again. She reached around to her back to unzip her dress but Brian was faster. He fumbled with the zipper a little but then he finally managed to pull it down. Katya stood up and was now standing in front of him to step out of her dress. Brian was palming his erection through the fabric of his jeans and he was so aware of his own loud breathing. Katya let the dress fall to the ground and kicked it aside so it was now laying next to Brian’s shirt. She wore black lacy underwear. It was matching and Brian asked himself if she had planned all this, if this had been her intention from the beginning. In a touch of doubt he wondered if they were moving too fast but then Katya’s hands were back on his chest were back as she pushed him deeper into the mattress.

He could see that she was hard too.

She was straddling him again and she rocked her hips so their hard dicks were rubbing together.

“This is going to be less attractive now”, Katya warned and reached into her bra to pull out two silicone implants that she placed on Brian’s bed side drawer.

“Can I?”, Brian asked and reached around her back to unclasp her bra. After he fumbled with the bra catch for a few seconds, not managing to open it, Katya swatted his hand away.

“Oh my god, it’s really not that difficult”, she rolled her eyes but he could see that she was grinning. She unclasped it in one swift motion and let it fall to the ground.

Carefully Brian cupped her small breasts with his hands. Katya gasped at the contact and he started to massage her boobs. She moaned and began to grind down harder against his dick.

“Oh fuck”, she moaned, as he flicked his tongue over her now hard nipple.

It felt weird to feel breasts in his hand. Weird but not terrible, and hearing Katya’s soft moans was definitely worth it.

He was still wearing his jeans and the hard fabric pressed down uncomfortably on his dick, Katya’s grinding was not helping.

“I need to-”, he started but Katya’s hands were already unbuttoning his trousers. She had to leave his lap in order for him to be able to take them off but he whimpered at the loss of contact.

Once his jeans were finally on the floor he and Katya looked at each other.

They were both shirtless. A few strands of hair had fallen out of her braids and were now falling into her eye. She pushed them to the side, tucking them behind her ear. Her lip stick was smudged and he could see sweat glister between her breasts. She was breathing heavily, her chest rising quickly. Her cock was hard underneath her lace fabric and Brian wondered if he had ever seen someone this beautiful before.

He knew that the answer was no.

Brian scooted from the bed and dropped to his knees before Katya. He placed his fingers at the hem of her panties and looked up at her.

“Is this okay?”, he asked and Katya nodded above him. He pulled down her underwear and her dick sprang free.

Brian kissed her head and slowly took her dick into his mouth. He could hear Katya hiss above him and he could feel her fingers grabbing his hair.

He began to move his head, taking Katya deeper into his mouth. He swirled his tongue experimentally and Katya’s grip on his hair tightened and she groaned. Brian moaned against her cock and he could feel her bucking her hips. He moved his hands from her hips to her ass to steady himself.

“Brian”, she moaned, “Brian I’m gonna cum.”

He started to move his head faster and one hand left Katya’s butt to stroke himself. She came while moaning his name and he swallowed her cum. He looked up to her through his eyelashes and her mouth was opened while she panted.

“Bed!”, she breathed and he laid down on his back. She climbed on top of him and kissed his mouth hungrily. Her tongue was practically licking the inside of her mouth and Brian knew that she had to taste herself.

Her now soft dick was rubbing against his hard one, sending waves of pleasure. Katya reached between them and started to pump his dick with her hand. He didn’t last long and quickly came over her hand and his stomach.

Katya rolled over and they were lying next to each other in silence. The only thing that could be heard were their loud breathing and panting.

Brian rolled to his side and Katya did the same so they were now facing each other. He pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and couldn’t resist the urge to stroke her cheek.

“You are beautiful”, he whispered and she smiled at him.

“How does it feel?”, Brian asked, “Having sex, I mean.”

When Katya didn’t respond immediately he said:”I’m sorry you don’t need to answer that. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“No it’s fine”, she assured and paused for a while, gathering her thoughts.

“It’s weird”, Katya admitted, “it feels wrong. Not because of you! But it doesn’t feel right.”

Brian nodded understandingly. He wasn’t offended by her words, not in the least.

“There was a time when I didn’t touch myself”, she said, “I was disgusted by myself. But now I’ve kind of come to accept it. It’s not like it’s going anywhere”, she laughed harshly. There was nu humor in it.

“Don’t you want to get surgery?”, Brain asked.

“Of course”, she said, “but that shit’s expensive. Insurance only covers so much.” She sounded frustrated and Brian felt bad for bringing up the topic.

“I’m sorry”, he just said and Katya smiled at him weakly.

“It’s fine”, she said but Brian knew it wasn’t.

“You should get cleaned up”, she said, motioning to his stomach.

“You’re right”, he said and stood up, feeling bad about leaving Katya, even if it was just for a minute, “Do you need anything?”

“I’m fine”, she repeated.

When Brian returned, Katya’s eyes were closed. He tiptoed around the bed and tried to lay down as gently as possible but when he hit the mattress Katya’s eyes opened slowly.

“Brian?”, she said, “Thank you.”

“For what?”, he asked.

“Everything.”

Kim and Brian picked Keira up from school together. He hadn’t told her that he would bring Kim to surprise his daughter and he knew it was a good surprise, when he saw her eyes widen and she started running towards them. Kim crouched down and spread his arms so she could run into them and when she had reached him, he picked her up and whirled her around.

“Hi sweetheart”, he said as he set her down, “you’ve grown so much!”

Brian snorted, “You sound like every old woman ever.” Then he picked up Keira’s backpack and went back to the car. Kim sat next to Keira in the back while Brian was driving and he listened to their conversation.

“So how was school?”, Kim asked and Keira talked on and on about how her teacher had praised her for a drawing she did and how she was the only child in her class that could read and he couldn’t help but to feel incredibly proud. Kim listened patiently and after a few minutes he said: “I love your nails by the way.”

Brian almost hit the bakes at that. The sentence had sounded casual but he knew that Kim was dying to steer the conversation towards Katya. He had always been too invested in Brian’s (non-existent) love life and today at work he had teased him relentlessly about the fact that he still wore the nail-polish. Brian had tried to convince him that the only reason why he still wore it was because Keira had painted the one hand but Kim wasn’t having it and only laughed at him for blushing when he mentioned Katya.

“Can I introduce you as my sort-of-straight friend now?”, he had asked and Brian had thrown a brush at him. Granted, the brush had missed Kim and he accidentally broke three lip glosses, which had only made Kim laugh more.

“Katya did them”, Keira answered cheerfully and Brian tightened his grip around the steering wheel.

“Who’s Katya?”, Kim played dumb.

“Our neighbour. She’s so nice and so pretty”, Keira gushed and Brian could hear Kim chuckle.

“Really?”, he asked and Keira nodded enthusiastically.

“What do you think, Brian?”, Kim asked and Brian really had to take all his willpower to not curse him right in front of Keira.

“I guess she’s nice”, he said and Kim laughed.

“And pretty”, Keira added, “she has really pretty clothes too.” Kim knew of Keira’s questionable taste in fashion and today she was wearing a jeans skirt with green tights and a blue shirts with red hearts all over it. She looked like a canary, Brian thought and her rainbow-nails weren’t helping.

“I bet she does”, Kim said, “maybe I can meet her someday.”

“No!”, Brian chimed in too quick and too loud. If Kim met Katya the teasing would never stop.

“Why?”, Keira asked with big eyes, “Don’t you like Katya?”

No, no I like her”, Brian reassured and shot Kim an angry glance through the mirror, “I just don’t think that Kim should meet her.”

“But they’re both my friends”, Keira protested and Brian could see Kim grin. That little shit.

“They’re not going to meet today though”, Brian said and pulled into the drive way.

They did meet today.

Brian almost groaned when he saw Katya at the front door of their building. Keira screeched when she spotted her and ran over and Kim nudged Brian’s side teasingly.

“Fuck off”, Brian muttered now that Keira was out of earshot. Katya wore a long red skirt that had little pearls attached to it and a blouse with a flower print that wasn’t matching at all. Her long blonde hair was open but she wore a hairband with a black bow on top of it. His heart skipped a beat.

Can your own heart betray you?

Kim grabbed his arm and dragged him over to the door.

“You look exquisite”, Katya complimented Keira and the young girl grinned. Then Katya turned around to Brian and showed her perfect teeth.

“Privyet”, she said.

“Uh what?”, Brian asked, fully aware of how dumb he sounded.

“Hello”, she translated and then looked at Kim.

“Hi, I’m Katya”, she said and extended her hand.

“Kim”, Kim said, “I’ve heard a lot about you.” Brian wanted to slap him.

“Have you?”, she asked and looked at Brian confused.

“I uhm, just told him about the neighbours a bit”, he answered and Katya nodded.

“I thought you didn’t want Kim to meet Katya, Daddy”, Keira piped up and Katya’s smile dropped. Kim shifted next to him uncomfortably.

“Why’s that?”, she asked and looked at Brian.

“No I didn’t-”, he stuttered not really knowing what to say, “it’s not-”.

“Go on”, she said provokingly. Brian opened his mouth and said nothing.

“Is it because I’m trans?”, she suddenly asked.

“Oh god, no, I-it doesn’t have anything to with you, it’s just-”.

“Dad, what’s trans?”, Keira asked, oblivious to the tension.

“Nothing”, Brian said because he wanted to explain the situation to Katya. When he saw her raised eyebrows he knew he fucked up.

“For someone who should know what it feels like to be different, you really can be an asshole”, Katya said and with these words she turned around, opened the door and slammed it shut behind her.

“Fuck”, Brian whispered. Kim put a hand on his shoulder but he shook it off, not wanting to be comforted right now. He grabbed his key and opened the door to let Kim and Keira inside. Katya was nowhere to be seen.

“Why is Katya mad?”, Keira asked and Brian could see that she was on the verge of tears, “did I do something wrong?”

“No, honey, everything’s fine”, Brian tried to comfort her but his mind was running. Katya probably hated him and he really couldn’t blame her.

“I’m sorry, man”, Kim said next to him.

“It’s fine”, he said again and started climbing the stairs. When they had reached the flat Kim spoke up again: “Maybe you should talk to her? She seemed really upset.”

“What would I say, Kim?”, Brian asked and he couldn’t help but sound upset, “My friend thinks I have a crush on you so I didn’t want him to met you?”, he whispered so Keira wouldn’t hear them.

“I’m really sorry, Brian”, Kim said again, “but I think that you should apologize and make clear that it has nothing to do with the trans thing.”

“Yeah probably”, Brian muttered.

“Listen, I’ll make lunch and entertain Keira and you go talk to her alright?”

“Alright”, Brian sighed. Kim pulled him into a quick hug.

His heart felt heavy as he climbed up the stairs. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to say when he knocked at her door.

“What do you want?”, Katya said when she opened the door. Her make-up was slightly smudged and Brian’s heart dropped when he realized that she had been crying. Her voice soundes raspy and lower than usual.

“I came to apologise”, he said carefully, “Kim can come on very strong and sometimes doesn’t think before he speaks that’s why I said I didn’t want you to meet him. It has absolutely nothing to do with you or with who you are. I was a huge dick and I’m sorry.”

Katya crooked her head and opened the door more.

“Do you want to come in?”, she asked and Brian nodded relieved. She didn’t seem too mad any more. Katya led him into her living room and gestured for him to sit on the couch. She herself sat on the ground so she could face Brian. She grabbed a cigarette and a lighter from the coffee-table and offered one to Brian who declined. She put the cigarette between her lips, lit it, and blew smoke in the air. Brian watched her every move.

“My name was Brian too”, she said after a few minutes of silence.

“How did you choose Katya?”, he asked.

“Yekaterina Lobaznyuk”, she explained and Brian looked at her confused.

“She’s a Russian gymnast, her nickname is Katya as well. When I was younger I was really into gymnastics and she was one of my favourites.”

“I like that name”; Brian said and Katya smiled.

“It’s certainly better than Brian”, she laughed and he joined in.

“Well that was shady.”

“Will you do me a favour?”, Katya asked and Brian nodded.

“Sure anything.”

“Tell Keira about trans people. Please. Kids know way too few about us and I think it’s so important to educate children about gender and sexuality.”

“I will”, Brian promised, “and I agree. I mean I grew up in Wisconsin the first time I ever heard the word ‘gay’ was when I was like 14.”

Katya took another cigarette.

“So how long have you and Kim been dating?”

“Oh god no”, Brian laughed, “Kim isn’t my boyfriend.”

“He’s cute though”, Katya grinned, “lisp and all.”

“Yeah, no”, Brian grinned, “we work together and we’re good friends but I could never date him!”

“What do you do?”, Katya asked, holding the cigarette between two fingers. Brian could see the red lipstick stain where her lips had been wrapped around it.

“I’m a make-up artist, actually”, he answered. Katya looked surprised.

“Really? I would not have guessed that. Do you ever put make-up on yourself?”

“I did Rocky Horror for a year or so. I thought about doing drag professionally but then Keira happened so that was out of the window”, he admitted.

“I did drag”, Katya said lost in thought, “it was a really difficult time though. What was your drag name?” Brian blushed.

“It’s stupid”, he said.

“Oh come on”, Katya said, “you owe me. You were a cunt!” Brian sighed.

“Alright. So when I was a child I was really into Barbie, right? But my stepdad was a huge dick and I was never allowed to play with them. He was super abusive and whenever I was acting to 'femininely’, he would call me a Trixie. And the manufacturer of Barbie is Mattel so I kind of went with Trixie Mattel.”

“That’s not stupid at all!”, Katya exclaimed, “you took that terrible memory and made it your thing. That’s amazing!”

“You think?”, Brian asked and Katya nodded. She stood up, walked over to the couch and sat down next to Brian. She was so close and he was overly aware of her presence,her small body pressed next to him.

“Thank you for apologizing”, she said and she smelled like smoke, a smell Brian normally hated but with Katya he didn’t mind at all.

“I was an ass”, he said and Katya laughed quietly. Suddenly they heard a faint knock on the door.

Katya stood up and her knuckles brushed Brian’s shoulder lightly. When she opened the door he could hear Keira’s voice.

“Are you and Daddy friends again?”

Brian stood up and walked to the door as well. Katya chuckled.

“Yes we are friends”, she said and turned around to look Brian in the eyes, “aren’t we?”

“We sure are”, he said.

“Good!”, Keira said happily, “Kim says that the food is ready.”

“Do you want to eat with us?”, Brian asked and all of the sudden Katya looked unsure again.

“I don’t know”, she said, “I don’t want to disturb you guys.”

“Oh bullshit”, he said and Keira giggled at hearing him swear, “Kim’s really nice despite of the things I said earlier. Please?”

“Alright if it’s no trouble”, Katya agreed and Keira took her hand. Brian only now noticed that the two of them looked a like. People, who didn’t know them could think that they were related.

They could think she were her mother, Brian thought and that made him weirdly happy.

Kim had cooked some Asian dish which smelled delicious. He wasn’t surprised to see Katya come through the door with them. Instead he wiped his hands on a kitchen towel and hugged her. Katya yelped in surprise.

“We didn’t get a chance to really meet earlier”, he said, “I’m Kim and Brian is really glad that we’re meeting. He has no problem with that at all.” Brian shot him an annoyed look but Katya laughed.

“Thank you”, she grinned.

“Okay I’m starving”, Kim ended the hug and pulled up a chair for Katya.

They sat down by the table and Katya spotted her painting hanging over the couch.

“Wow that’s a great painting. Where did you get it?”, she joked.

“I know the artist”, Brian answered grinning, “She’s a bit weird but her art is alright, I guess.”

Katya hit his arm playfully.

They ate the food Kim had cooked and Brian felt a tiny feeling of victory when Keira ate her vegetables without moaning about it once.

“You still owe me dinner, though”, Katya said when they had finished eating.

“Why’s that?”, Kim asked too curiously.

“She wouldn’t take money for the painting”, Brian explained, “so I said I’d invite her to dinner.”

“When do you want to go? I’ll take Keira”, he volunteered and smirked at Brian who raised his eyebrows. Subtlety was not Kim’s strong suit.

“Thanks he said”, and shot Kim a warning look which he ignored.

“So?”, he asked.

“So what?”

“When do you want to go?”

Brian looked over to Katya and she shrugged. “I’m free whenever.”

“How about tomorrow?”, Kim said before Brian could open his mouth, “what do you think Keira? We’re going to have a sleepover! I can make us some popcorn and I’ll let you watch movies that your Dad wont let you see.” Keira’s eyes went big.

“Can I really sleep at your place?”, she asked excitedly.

“Of course, sweetie”, Kim grinned. Brian knew exactly that there had been no need for Kim to offer for Keira to sleep over. He knew exactly what he was planning and he hated that he couldn’t do anything about it because for Keira it had already been a done deal. He looked at Katya who was biting her bottom lip.

“Tomorrow night then?”, he asked and she smiled.

Brian did not see Katya again for five days. However he often caught himself thinking about the weird woman living above him. He didn’t know what it was but somehow he found her intriguing. Then, one day he met her on the staircase together with Keira. It was a sunny Tuesday morning and he was about to take Keira to school. The four years old was dressed in all pink, a fashion choice which Brian approved of for once, her little backpack and her two pigtails bounced as she happily jumped down the steps of the stair. Brian had to grab her backpack to hold her back before she could bump into Katya.

It was an early morning and Katya was dressed in a short skirt and a somewhat see-through blouse. Brian could make out her red lacy bra underneath. Her make-up was smudged and faded, only her bright red lipstick, which she must have reapplied, stood out. Her hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail but a few strands of hair had fallen out and framed her face. She smelled of smoke. Brian wondered if she had spent the night at home.

“Good morning”, she smiled at Keira, “you’re up early.”

“I have to go to school”, the little girl explained.

“Is it Monday already?”, the woman asked perplexed.

“It’s Tuesday”, Brian said.

“Shit”, Katya muttered. She looked at Keira and sighed “Shit now I said shit in front of a child. Three times. Shit.” Keira giggled and Brian instinctively pulled her closer.

“I should go”, Katya said apologetically and began to climb the stairs. Brian stared at her. After a few steps she turned around and looked him directly in the eyes.

“It was nice seeing you again, Brian”, she winked and turned back with a flip of her ponytail.

Brian watched her go but then he felt Keira tuck at his sleeve. “We gotta go, Dad”, she said and he took her hand. They walked next to each other in silence for a few minutes.

“Katya is weird”, Keira said eventually. Brian nodded.

“But also nice. She liked my shoes.” Brian nodded once more.

“And she’s pretty.”

“You think so?”, he asked. Brian didn’t think that Katya was ugly. She had nice cheekbones and an amazing smile but she looked like various pieces of ill-fitting fabric thrown together and her foundation was a tone too dark so that she had visible lines. But Keira nodded eagerly.

“I like her”, she sighed, “do you think I could play with her?”

“I don’t know, Honey”, Brian said, “Maybe you should play with people your own age? I think Katya’s pretty busy.” In reality he just didn’t want his daughter to spend too much time with the strange woman. Ever since Keira was in his life he had become more wary of people and chain-smoking women who had Russian names, despite being from Boston and who couldn’t seem to remember their weekends did not strike him as particularly trustworthy.

Brian dropped Keira off at her school and kissed her on the forehead.

“I’ll pick you up later. Have a nice day, Honey.” She waved as she ran off to a group of other children her age. He looked after her for a moment and asked himself if he was a good father. That was something he asked himself quite often, if he could give her anything she needed. Sure, he loved her with all his heart but sometimes he wondered if he was too judgemental when she presented her strange outfits and if he could be more supportive of her. In particularly dark nights, when he couldn’t sleep and just tossed and turned he asked himself if maybe he was too young, if she would have been better of with his parents, or if maybe she did need a mother. But then in the mornings, when she woke him up by jumping on his bed all his doubts were gone and he felt like the happiest man alive.

Brian dropped his bag behind the counter and greeted Kim with a kiss on the cheek.

“Hey you”, the chubby man laughed, “finally unpacked all those boxes so I can come visit?”

He groaned and helped himself to some coffee. He and Kim had met a few years ago in Wisconsin and had become friends instantly. Kim moved to La two years ago and that’s when Brian had decided to move as well. Kim was now the manager of the MAC store and had offered Brian a job, knowing how good he was with make-up.

“The place is a complete mess”, he admitted and sipped his coffee, “I still haven’t had the time to assemble Keira’s wardrobe.”

“The time or the stamina?”, Kim laughed and Brian had to grin as well.

“How is Keira then? I haven’t seen her in ages!”, the store was empty, as usual in the morning and so Kim and Brian took advantage of the quite time to catch up.

“Oh god she’s grown so much”, Brian sighed, “and she’s wearing these terrible clothes and I can’t say anything because she needs to find herself and so on but it’s hard, Kim. It’s really hard!” Kim laughed. “Last week she wore gumboots in the house”, Brain continued his complaining, “and then our wacko neighbour told her that they looked good so now I’m going to have to burn them or something”, he groaned.

“Or you’ll have to take out the neighbour”, Kim grinned.

“Her wardrobe is probably even weirder than Keira’s. What if they gang up on me?”

“Tell me about your weird neighbour”, Kim demanded, “I love hearing about weird people.”

“You are weird people, Kim”, Brian chuckled. “No but she’s really strange. She smells like she smokes 7 packs of cigarettes a day, she thought that today was still the weekend, she has a Russian name that no one can pronounce so she just goes by ‘Katya’ and she’s trans which means she actually chose that name. She dresses like she robbed several thrift stores, and she has like the whitest teeth ever. It’s kinda freaking me out.”

Kim threw her head back and laughed out loud “Welcome to La, Baby. When you think that’s weird, you’re in for a few surprises.”

With these words he went over to the middle-aged woman who had entered the store a few moments ago to offer his help. Brian finished his coffee and started to clean up the already clean counter.

In the afternoon he picked up Keira from school. He had decided to finally get to the wardrobe today and after he heated up some leftovers he disappeared into Keira’s room. At first his daughter watched him as he struggled with various screwdrivers but after fifteen minutes she lost interest. Instead she gabbed some toys and went into the living room.

Brian had no idea how to build stuff and the instructions didn’t really help much but after two hours he had done something that resembled a wardrobe. It was good enough to hold some clothes he decided and started to unpack the boxes. He thought about hiding some particularly hideous pieces but then he thought about how he had to support his daughter more and stored them in the wardrobe.

“Keira?”, he called out as he was finished, “Keira, I’m done, do you wanna look?”. He didn’t get a response. “Keira!”, he called louder this time but still nothing.

“Keira, sweetie”, he went into the living room but she wasn’t there. Panic began to rise inside him and he quickly looked inside the other rooms, calling her name. Then he discovered that the front door was open.

“Keira?!”, he called into the hallway and suddenly he knew where she was. Taking two steps at a time he sprinted up the stairs until he reached the top floor and stood in front of Katya’s door. He knocked onto it almost frantically. After a few seconds she opened it and he was greeted by her incredible smile.

“Brian!”, she exclaimed, “It’s nice to see you. Come in, come in.”

“Is Keira with you?”, he asked out of breath.

“Oh yeah, she came by like 40 minutes ago. Come on.” Katya grabbed his hand and pulled him inside. Her fingers were dry like she needed to moisturise them more often. Brian’s hand was clammy against hers. But she didn’t let go. He let himself be pulled behind her as she led him into what must have been her living room. Right in the centre sat Keira surrounded by lots of different nail polishes. She looked up as they entered the room and grinned as she spotted her father.

“Daddy!”, she exclaimed, “Katya is doing my nails.”

Brian tried to be angry with her, he really did. But it was hard seeing her so happy.

“Keira, Honey! You can’t just run away like that. I was worried! And you can’t just go bothering the neighbours. I’m sure Katya has stuff to do”, he said as sternly as possible.

“I’m sorry”, he turned to Katya but the blonde woman just laughed.

“It’s fine. I can use the company, really.”

“Look, Daddy!”, Keira showed him her little nails. Each was painted in a different colour.

“Very pretty”, he complimented her.

“And I did Katya”, she said and Katya showed him her nails, which were equally colourful. All of them were overdrawn and, honestly, the messy look of them kind of fit. But Keira looked so proud and Katya didn’t seem to mind.

“Oh!”, Keira suddenly made, “Can we do yours now?”, her eyes sparkled with excitement.

Brian hadn’t painted his nails in a long time and he did kind of miss it, so he let himself fall onto the ground with a sigh and stretched his hands out. Keira and Katya grabbed one each and started painting. He could feel Katya’s hand around his again and he watched her as she painted careful strokes of nail polish. He could see that she was concentrating because her tongue was slightly out of her mouth and he could see that she bit down on it. It was adorable.

Keira was done quickly and his nails looked, as expected, terribly. Nevertheless he bent over and kissed the top of her head.

“Thank you, Honey, I love it”, he mumbled and Keira smiled. His left hand, the one that Katya painted, however looked great. Nothing was overdrawn and while he normally wasn’t a fan of multicoloured nails he was kind of digging the look.

“We could head straight to Pride with our rainbow-nails”, he joked and Katya blinked.

Then she grinned.

“Well, maybe not straight”, she said and threw her head back laughing out loud. Her arms flailed and Brian couldn’t help himself but to join. Her laugh was contagious. Even Keira laughed with them, even though Brian was sure that she didn’t understand what they were laughing about.

“I made myself laugh!”, Katya grinned once she had calmed down and Brian smiled at her.

“That’s new”, Kim said, pointing to Brian’s nails, as he set down his bag. He had completely forgotten about them and his left hand tingled at the thought of Katya touching it carefully. He made a fist.

“Keira wanted to paint my nails”, he explained.

“She did a very…ambivalent job”, Kim said, “or how come your right hand looks like it was just dipped in a jar of nail polish?”

“Katya did the other one”, Brian fumbled with his sleeve.

“Was that your neighbour?”, Kim asked clearly surprised and Brian nodded.

“The weird one?”, Kim followed up d Brian nodded again.

“Yesterday you told me that she scares you and now you’re letting her paint your nails?”

Brian shrugged, “Keira likes her. And she’s actually kinda nice, we had breakfast together this morning.”

Kim raised his eyebrows, “You had breakfast with your weird neighbour?”

“She isn’t that weird”, Brian mumbled and Kim huffed. They drank their coffee in silence.

“On another note”, Kim changed the subject after a while, “when can I come visit you guys? I wanna see Keira.”

“I wanted to do some decorating today, but maybe tomorrow after work?”, Brian suggested and Kim nodded.

“Keira’s going to be super excited to see you”, he said.

“Yeah me too”, Kim laughed, “maybe she and the weird neighbour will paint my nails too. I mean it sure is a look.”

“Her name is Katya and she isn’t weird”, Brian repeated. Kim looked at him curiously.

“If you weren’t like super gay I’d think you have a crush on her”, he grinned and Brian could feel his face flush involuntarily.

“Fuck off!”

“Oh my god do you?”, Kim screeched loudly.

“Shh!”, Brian made even though the store was empty, “No I do not. I’ve slept with a woman once and I really don’t need to repeat that.”

“Didn’t you say she’s trans?”, Kim said, “maybe she’s got a dick.”

“Oh my god Kim!”, Brian said aghast, “I’m not that shallow. Also I have no idea if she has a dick. Also I’m pretty sure that’s offensive.”

Kim just shrugged and they were interrupted by the bell that signalled the arrival of a new customer.

Keira was sitting by the kitchen table, colouring something, while Brian stood on the couch hanging a framed photograph of Keira and himself that he had taken on their last vacation. It was one of his favourites because they weren’t posing in it. It was a snapshot his mother had taken and the two of them looked incredibly happy in it. He didn’t have the best relationship with his parents but he didn’t want to deny Keira her grandparents when he already had to deny her a mother. And while he and his parents did have their differences, they loved Keira a lot and spoiled her rotten. And they took nice photos so hey, Brian thought.

Even though he had hung several photos and a few paintings already, the wall over the couch was still looking a bit empty. And while Keira’s drawings looked great on the fridge, Brian’s perfectionists heart wasn’t quite ready to hang them on an actual wall.

He had to think of Katya and how she had offered to show him some of her paintings. He could imagine her so well, covered in paint, her hair behind her ears, tongue between her teeth, drawing something on a canvas.

Kim’s words echoed in his head. No, Brian thought. 24 was definitely to late to have a sexual identity crisis.

Still he couldn’t banish Katya from his mind and he stared at the naked wall. It couldn’t hurt to at least look at her paintings he thought and climbed off the couch.

“All for decorating purposes”, he said to himself and turned to Keira, who was still colouring. Her tongue was between her teeth, just like Katya’s had been when she had painted his nails.

“Sweetie is it okay when I leave you alone for 10 minutes?”, he asked and she nodded absently, fully concentrating on her work. Brian looked at his nails. It was about time she learned to colour within the lines.

God, I hope I don’t seem desperate, he thought when he was standing at Katya’s door. He knocked carefully.

“One sec!”, he heard Katya call from within and few moments later she opened the door.

“Oh, it’s you!”, she said surprised and smiled at him, her perfect teeth showing, “Come in”, she said and opened the door more so he could pass through.

He almost didn’t recognize her flat. There was no clutter lying around and it smelled like citrus. The smell of smoke still lingered in the air but it wasn’t as strong by far.

“You tidied”, he said surprised and she laughed.

“My mum’s coming”, she explained, “and I like to do the unexpected.”

“Is this a bad time?”, he asked, “I can come back later.”

“Oh bullshit, she’s always late. How can I help you?”

“Uhm you were telling me about your paintings this morning? I was decorating the living room and something’s missing so I just thought I’d have a look”, he explained.

Katya’s eyes lit up.

“Of course!”, she beamed, “I didn’t think you were actually interested!” She took him by the hand and led him into a room he hadn’t been to before. He found himself standing in the familiar mess, between bottles of paint and various brushes. Canvases were stacked into a shelf and an easel stood in the middle of the room. A half finished painting was positioned on it. It didn’t really show anything but Katya had worked with rainbow colours.

“I was inspired by our nails”, she explained and looked at Brian’s hand. “Oh!”, she said surprised, “You’re still wearing the nail-polish?”

“Yeah, why is that so surprising?”, he asked.

“No it’s just – most straight guys would take it off.” Brian started to laugh at that.

“Why is that funny?”, Katya asked confused.

“You think I’m straight?”, he laughed and Katya looked at him.

“You aren’t?”

“I’m really gay”, Brian grinned and now Katya started to laugh as well.

“Oh I thought because of Keira and…sorry for assuming.”

“It’s fine, I get it”, Brian said.

“And here I am, texting all my friends about my hot straight neighbour”, Katya winked at him and Brian could feel his face flushing red. He coughed.

“So what are you looking for?” Brian’s eyes widened.

“Excuse me?”

“Colour, size?”

“What?!”, Brian asked, clearly confused.

“I’m talking about the paintings”, Katya explained and chuckled, “Why, what were you thinking about?”

Brian’s face felt hot, he was sure he looked like a tomato.

“Uhm”, he stuttered, “Do you have anything with pink in it?”

“By God, you really are gay!”, Katya laughed and walked over to the shelf. She bent over and Brian couldn’t help but too look at her ass. He swallowed.

“Here we go”, he heard Katya say and the blonde woman turned around, holding a medium sized canvas. It was very abstract, Brian could see that she used big brushes and bold strokes to paint it. It was a whirlwind of different shades of pink. It looked almost unsettling and yet oddly calming. Wild and yet comforting. It was amazing.

“Katya, this is really good!”, he gasped and the woman smiled, her cheeks turning red.

“Thank you”, she said, “you can have it if you like.”

“Are you sure?”, Brian asked and she nodded.

“How much?”

“Oh, just take it! See it as some sort of welcoming present”, she offered.

“I can’t just accept that!”, Brian said, “How much do you normally take?”

“No, really it’s fine. I don’t want any money from you. It’s a gift.”

“Then let me at least invite you to dinner”, he offered and Katya smiled.

“If you insist.”

“It’s the least I can do”, Brian laughed and took the painting from Katya to get a better look.

“This is really beautiful”, he sighed, “Thank you.” All of the sudden he was so aware of Katya standing in front of him. She wasn’t wearing heels and he was a lot taller than her. She was standing so close.

“You’re welcome”, she said quietly.

A loud knock on the door made them jerk up and Katya ran out of the room to open it. Brian followed slowly watched as Katya hugged a small woman with short white hair who had to be her mother.

“Hello, sweetheart”, the woman said to Katya when they ended the hug. Then she spotted Brian who was awkwardly holding the painting.

“Oh, a visitor!”, she exclaimed and turned to Katya, “Am I interrupting something? Should I come back later?”

“Mum”, Katya said rolling her eyes and Brian thought it was weird seeing her like this, like a daughter.

“I’m Brian, Katya’s neighbour”, he explained and extended a hand. Katya’s mother shook it.

“Brian, huh? That’s a very nice name.” He could see how Katya grabbed her mothers arm.

“I’m Pat”, she said, letting go of his hand, “It’s nice to meet you. Are you the one with the daughter? Katya told me about you two. She sounds delightful! What was her name?”

“Keira”, he answered and he tried not to smirk. Somehow the thought of Katya telling her mother about him made him happy.

“Are you having coffee with us?”, Pat asked and Brian shook his head.

“Keira’s downstairs and I have to get back to her. But it was nice meeting you! And thanks again for the painting”, he said to Katya. He thought about hugging her goodbye, suddenly thinking of how she had kissed his cheek this morning, but he decided against it.

When the door fell shut behind him he could hear Katya and her mother laugh about something and that sound made him happy.

Like every morning, Brian was up at six. He quickly jumped into the shower and got dressed, then he made himself some coffee. He still had about 45minutes until he had to wake up Keira and he appreciated the quiet. In his head he made a list of the things he planned on doing once he got off of work. He wanted the place to feel a little bit more homey and decided to put up some pictures as well as some photographs of Keira and himself.

He had just taken his first sip of coffee as he heard the faint knock on the door. Cup still in hand, he opened it and was greeted by Katya who extended her arms towards him, holding the cookie box.

She wore a tiny black, lacy nightgown that looked downright pornographic. Her hair was open and slightly curly as it fell down her shoulder. She wasn’t wearing any make-up expect for her signature red lip. Without the contour, her chin looked wider and she appeared less feminine. She however still was absolutely beautiful, Brian thought.

“Why are you up at this ungodly hour?”, she asked.

“Uhm”, Brian made, “you’re the one who knocked on my door.”

“I figured you might want that back”, she said and handed him the cookie box, “Oh, is that coffee?”, Katya pointed to his cup and pushed herself past Brian, inside his flat.

He took a deep breath to calm himself, before he closed the door and followed Katya into his kitchen, only to see that she had opened almost every cupboard and was now sitting in his chair, pouring herself some coffee. Brian closed the cupboards and took the seat opposite of her. She closed her eyes as she drank his coffee and he watched her Adam’s apple move as she swallowed.

“Why are you up, then?”, he broke the silence after a few moments.

Katya shrugged, “Couldn’t sleep.” The awkward silence came back and Brian shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“So, uh”, he tried to make conversation, “What do you do for a living?”

“Oh this and that”, she answered, “I teach some French courses. I paint and sometimes I sell some of my stuff, which is always exciting. And if money’s tight there’s always the street corner”, she shrugged and Brian choked on his coffee. He coughed.

“That was a joke”, Katya clarified, “I don’t whore around. Any more.”

“Another joke?”, he asked and Katya nodded.

“What to you paint?”, he asked, “I’m actually looking for some pictures to decorate this place with.”

“Mostly abstract stuff”, she explained and he noticed how her fingers twitched around the cup, “but if you’d like you can stop by anytime to have a look.”

“I will”, Brian smiled at her and she smiled back. He found himself strangely enjoying her company.

“I should wake up Keira”, he said after a while, “do you want to stay for breakfast?”

Katya hesitated, “I really shouldn’t, I…”. Brian interrupted her, “No it’s fine. I bet Keira would love that, she really likes you, you know.” Katya smiled at that.

“I’m gonna wake her up, you could set the table. There’s some stuff in the fridge.” Katya nodded and stood up.

“Oh and make some more coffee, you drank all of mine!”, Brian turned around and she gave him a thumbs up. It was weird, he thought as he made his way through still unpacked moving boxes to knock on Keira’s door, sometimes Katya seemed so confident and sure of herself and just moments later she became really shy.

“Hey sweetheart”, he said as he sat down on Keira’s bed. He pushed a strand of hair back and stroked her cheek, “It’s time to get up.” Keira sighed, still half asleep and leaned into his touch.

“Come on get dresses!”, he stood up and watched her rub the sleep from her eyes. She tapped over to her wardrobe and pulled out a blue leggings, an orange skirt and a pink Barbie shirt, that Brian had bought for her, projecting his childhood dreams on to her. He would have combined it better though, he thought but he bit his tongue before he could say anything.

His daughter got dressed quickly and he brushed her hair, pulling it into a high ponytail.

“Come on, I’ve got breakfast”, he shoved her to the kitchen gently.

There Katya was sitting on his chair and Keira gasped when she saw her. She ran towards her and climbed onto her lap, wrapping her tiny arms around her neck. She placed a sloppy kiss on Katya’s cheek and the woman blushed.

“Good morning, sunshine”, she said.

“What are you doing here?”, Keira asked clearly excited.

“Oh, I was just dropping of your cookie box and your father insisted I that I stay for breakfast. He even bribed me with coffee”, her eyes met Brian’s. Keira giggled. Brian sat down on the chair he had sat in earlier and poured himself some of the coffee Katya had made. It was so strong, his eyes started to water and he coughed.

“Too strong?”, Katya asked and he shook his head.

“No, no it’s fine”, he said pushing the cup away from him. Keira was still in Katya’s lap and the woman poured milk into her cereal. It was an incredibly domestic scene and Brian’s heart started to speed up. There they sat, all with matching nail-polish having breakfast.

They chatted a little and after her while Brian sent Keira off to brush her teeth. Katya helped him to clean up the table. He sat the dirty dishes into the sink, so he could clean them up later, and when he turned around Katya was right there standing in front of him.

“I need to-”, she gestured to the cupboard above Brian’s head holding out a jar of honey.

“Oh yeah”, he said and moved to the left but at the same time she moved left as well to let him pass. They moved right simultaneously, then left again. Katya laughed and set the honey down on the counter behind him. Then she grabbed his waist and pushed him aside. He watched as she had to stand on her tiptoes to reach the cupboard and her nightgown rode up, revealing a black lacy thong. Brian held his breath as he, involuntarily, starred at her ass. He could still feel her fingers on his waist. Katya turned around and smiled at him.

“I should get going”, she said, “thanks for the breakfast. See you around?”

Brian nodded, unable to say anything, he was so very aware of her presence, her body so close to his own. Then she stood on her tiptoes and leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek.

He could have sworn that she swayed her hips more than usual as she turned around and went to the door, not looking back once.

Brian closed his eyes for a second when he heard the door fall shut and let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.