oh shit , are we in love ?

he pulls the lollipop from his mouth . the thought has been nagging at ren , pulling at him like a dog on a too - short leash . he won't let himself sink fully into the thought , because ren doesn't need anyone .

& he sure as hell doesn't want someone to need him , either . ren is the last , last person anyone should come asking for help . people were poison , the way they could seep into your veins & turn you inside out --- ren included . he didn't want something as good as nat . didn't need it .

( slow down , no need to rush )

but doesn't he go to nat's college to pick him up after class , especially at night , since the buses are hell ? dosesn't ren have their toothbrushes hanging together in the bathroom ? doesn't nat stay the night at least three times a week , & doesn't ren hold him tight just the way he asks ?

& now nat needs him , more than ever .

watching nat fuss with the fabric of the hoodie is twisting his stomach into knots . the black & blue ---- & in some cases , yellow --- that paint nat's chest , for starters . the pock - marks that litter the inside of his elbow aren't any better . ren feels his fist clench in an all - too familiar wave of frustration . nat had needed him , & he hadn't been there .

❝  here ...  ❞ ren sticks the dumdum back in his mouth , & holds the bottom of the hoodie so nat can get his arms through without exacerbating the undoubtable pain in his chest . ren can still hear a gentle hiss of pain , & he swallows . ❝ almost got it ... there .  ❞ ren tugs the hoodie down , smooths it out with a half - smile . it's way too big on nat , but endearingly so . it swallows nat up the way ren wants to sometimes , when he wants to hide him from everything in the world .

❝ haru knows you won't be in class . so don't ask me to take you . ❞

nat's sleepy smile is consolation enough . ❝ ok ... dumdum . ❞

​

------ so he had said , all those years ago . she was 9 , he was 9 and a half , as he'd retorted when one of the movers asked how old he was .

moving day was a sticky day in august ; yue could never forget the heat , how it pressed down on her like a wet paper towel . her parents were helping his parents with the boxes , creating a relay line of sorts from the door to the truck . the grownups had insisted yue & hyunseo stay out of the way , which yue was more than happy to do . they ended up sitting on the curb across from hyunseo's house , a favorite after - school spot of theirs .

you'll come back though , right ? she had said . her pink rectangle glasses kept sliding down her nose , slick with sweat . i don't want you to get a new best friend . you can only have one ...

of course !! hyunseo had declared , looking scandalized that she'd even suggested the thought . it's you & me , forever . no matter what !! & hyunseo had held out his pinky .

no matter what , yue had repeated softly , & their thumbs kissed .

now she's 19 , & she supposes that makes him 19 and a half . but now yue is the one who's leaving : it's yue with everything she owns , packed in two checked bags & a carry - on . it's raining , & it's not hyunseo's parents waiting on him , but his girlfriend , who sits in the driver's seat of the idling car in the drop-off area .

she hadn't wanted hyunseo to drop her off , initially . she was bad at goodbyes then & she's bad at them now --- especially when hyunseo is involved , when the chance to say hello fell so few & far between . she didn't want to cry , or make a scene , least of all in front of his girlfriend .

( she's everything i'm insecure about )

as hyunseo heaves her mammoth bags out the back , yue can already feel her throat begin to stopper . she had wanted moscow since she was a kid --- since she was 9 , incidentally . but when she'd received the acceptance letter , she hadn't felt the pure elation she had expected . oh , she felt it , absolutely , make no mistake . but it was tainted , spoiled by the thought of another goodbye .

another goodbye to hyunseo .

for a moment , she thinks she'll make it . she thinks she can get through this last minute with hyunseo . he'd say something like have a safe flight & she'd nod & say thanks for the ride , & maybe they'd hug , & that would be it . a perfectly choreographed exit routine .

so she wasn't prepared at all for the way her stomach dropped when he held out his pinky .

the first tear fell soundlessly ; then the second , then the third . but she regains her composure quickly , disguising a would - be sob with a loud sniff . she can't believe he remembers that too . of course he remembers , she admonished herself . if finding hyunseo again this year has taught her anything , it's that he had far from forgotten her .

❝  --- no matter what , ❞ she whispers , touching her thumb to his . she gives another loud sniff . ❝  i'll text you when i take  off . & --- when i land . don't --- don't get another best friend , okay ? ❞

when she was a kid , she had broken free from her mother's hand & run after the moving truck , crying & waving as it pulled out of their neighborhood .

eric's favorite place had always been his desk . in the stillness of his room , in his favorite sweater , & maybe some tea , with his meticulous notes spread before him . it was the one place where he could sit & all the noise in his brain was finally

                                                           quiet .

it might seem lonely to some , but eric had never been lonely . he was just alone . & for a long time , he was fine with that . he loved routine . he loved coming home from class & doing the same thing every night . he loved knowing exactly where things were in his room , when they were , why they were .

but pax .

paxton is unpredictable . pax is the wind ruffling the pages of eric's textbook on cool autumn nights . pax is unmade beds , staying out late , fingertips that are rough on eric's palm . the dive bar eric meets him in is

                                                           loud .

eric's favorite place had always been his desk . but somehow --- through no logic found in eric's notes , at least --- it was quickly replaced with pax's couch . or his bed . or anywhere pax is , really . but if he had to choose , he likes huddling under the covers , with pax pressed up against his back , holding him tight in what eric believes is called spooning . pax became part of his routine , along with all the shows , road trips , and kisses that came with it .

eric's mother's voice had always been

                                                          loud

in his ear ; do well in school . marry well in life . for me . your mother . eric had always chosen what she had laid out for him . when the time came for him to choose between what she wanted & what he wanted , he couldn't --- so she chose for him .

eric found himself back at his desk after that . he flicked idly through his textbooks , reading the words but retaining none of the information . for a place that had once been his favorite , it didn't feel the same . there was no breeze , even though the window was open . there wasn't pax's random shuffling in the background , undoubtedly trying to do his share of the cleaning . there wasn't the gentle buzz of pax absently plucking his bass . there wasn't the slow , even breaths of pax napping behind him . there wasn't , there wasn't , there wasn't .

a tear blotted the colorful sticky note . that might be the worst part . even in the silence , eric could still hear pax's echo .

                                        had it always been this quiet ?

day after day , the static in his mind seemed to grow . the simplest of tasks suddenly felt impossible : sitting at his desk , with the intent to study , was near herculean .

his room became cluttered . his mother tutted at how you used to be so organized , until recently .

fall faded to winter . eric had been looking for his scarf before he remembered --- oh .

he had stood there , arms limp at his sides .

when eric was a kid , he used to think winter lasted forever --- for a season with the shortest days , sometimes it felt like spring would never come , & he would have to make peace with the bitter wind biting his cheeks every morning .

(  but it did end . )                                                   ( ------ &  eric &   pax begin again . )

they're still taking it slow ---- even a blizzard's worth of snow doesn't melt in a day . but , eric finds pax's rough fingertips walking into his hand again ; he finds a blanket draped over his shoulders when he wakes up from an impromptu study ' break ' ; he finds himself back at the dive bar , adding up all the sales of pax & seamus' merch . most of all , he finds himself in his favorite place again .

❝  ----  hm ?  ❞ eric can feel pax's lips moving in his hair . a pleasant sort of chill runs through him ; he always loved how he fit into pax so perfectly when they were in bed together .  

 ❝ i don't want that , either , ❞ eric breathes , closing his eyes . ❝  that like ... sucked , you know ? ❞ he goes for a mirthless sort of chuckle , but squeezes pax's hand regardless . he thinks about pax , where they've been , where they've come from ---  &  hopefully , where they'll be  . ❝ i hate being without you . i want to be where you are , when you are ... all the time . ❞

there's a merch order eric still hasn't sorted through yet . there's an assignment only partially done on his laptop , which has long since faded to its swirling idle pattern . they still have to deal with the fallout that's eric's mom . but for now , everything is

    i hope this is the right place ; or else elliot is going to kill me.