#toxicpast

So I was talking to my friend today, trying to find content, and we brought up a group of friends I don’t really talk to any more. In the fall of 2018, I ran into someone from 7 years ago. Talked a bit and started to hang out regularly and joined their group of friends. There was a lot of drinking, parties and late nights. During that time I thought I was doing better, that I was growing as a person. I wasn’t. I was drinking excessively, because I thought I was funner, sexier, and a brighter person. That these people accepted me when I drank with them. What I was doing was ignoring my insecurities, and my pain, doing exactly what I was doing before I was hanging out with them. I didn’t do drugs, I was reliable, responsible and quiet.When we went partying at bars I was the responsible one that drove and stayed sober. I would take them grocery shopping, and cook. I never talked to any of them about my problems because they would all interrupt with giving me advice, when all I needed was someone to listen. When I was feeling good about something I was doing one would always have an opinion, and talk to me like they were an expert. Was looking for a place to live and no one wanted me to move in. They looked for any reason not to have, yet I was the only one that had a steady job, and any life skills. I thought they were my friends, but when I was having a hard time at school and needed some emotional support, I never got any. For the past year, none of them have reached out, accepted my invitations to hang out. The first person I met 7 years pier, any time I talked to them they asked for money or a favour. It took me nearly a year to understand that this is not healthy, its actually very toxic. That if any of those people were my friends they would have stayed by my side, I wouldn’t have felt drinking would help me feel accepted, and I wouldn’t still keep to myself. Now I have realised my friend, mentioned first, has been around for over 4 years. The man I have been talking to for over a year, has been more supportive than most of my friends. More on him in a later post. After a couple months with the school’s councilors, I began to explore what makes me tick. Why I get sad, what makes me happy and ways to process negative feelings. While I am still exploring those feelings I have began to feel happier. A lesson I have learned is that I shouldn’t have to change myself or excessively indulge to fit in with a group. I know it sounds like something one learns in high school, but it took awhile for that lesson to sink in.