#toskad

@toskad

[ NECK ] ― your muse kisses my muses’ neck.

It was rare for Saeran to initiate such intimate moments, but it seems today was one of his small steps forward towards being more honest and more open with his desires. She hopes he stops being worried about her, there is nothing more she wants than to be touched by him and him alone. Now that there were not other men and women in her life who could satisfy her, Sokolova had to hold back herself for the sake of her beloved as she didn’t wish to overstimulate him and tire him out. He was still recovering, still working out to raise his stamina, still on his path to feel better. 

Though, she doesn’t hate it. If anything, it makes her happy. The moment his lips touch her neck, her golden eyes widen in surprise as she would hold the book in her hands. She’d never been so cautious of everything she does aside from missions where life and death were on the line, but at this very moment, what was one the line was Saeran’s initiative in this intimate moment. It felt nice, the warmth of his lips on her cooler skin. Her finger tightened their hold on the book just enough to keep her from saying or doing anything to scare him off. Zarina wanted him to go forth, to do more and to be more comfortable with this on his own time. This is why she didn’t wish to stop him; no, she wanted him to continue. 

perception is a thin line - chaotically enveloping minds according to their own will  ╱  toying with the fabric of 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 itself. 

    a fabric Rika would grasp as hers, a fabric that is under her command.

 SO ; what is real? 

        𝐬𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐞 — 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐞𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥.

  " saeran - " his name is a whisper - a showcase of a conversation that has began to twist at its seams ;

   " there are many occurrences within the tendency of this sacred space. in us, there can be found lies, insecurities, pride & yet - pretending to care over you is NOT one of them. " 

   (  what is real ?  i am real. i am real. and he must believe me. )

   " --- please do not believe that I care not for you. indeed, I have broken many. . . things. . . however - a tear between us, that is not one I will allow. . .

              𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐞."

🐝  *  ―  𝐅𝐈𝐆𝐔𝐑𝐄  𝐒𝐊𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆  𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒. | [Accepting]

“You don’t know how to stop?” Yoosung repeated with slightly widened eyes as he watched Saeran move across the surface of ice. He kicked himself forward, skating over to the male and only slowing down once they were side by side. He lifted a gloved hand to stifle the giggles which threatened to leave him. “Don’t worry, I’ve got you! You start by pushing the flat part of the skate’s blade and scrape against the ice, and then you push your foot out and bend your knees. This’ll bring you to a complete stop.” 

@toskad

Why should she even consider it? There’s no reason for her to blame him for anything. Since when did this become something that he thought of? Zarina thought to herself that it must’ve been the playback of his memories from his childhood, his mother and that damned cult brainwashing him and shattering his soul over and over again. It made her angry, but not at him. It was upsetting that those she wanted to torment aren’t alive, but that torment wouldn’t have made her eel any sort of relief aside from knowing that they died while knowing hellish amounts of pain. It makes her approach Saeran carefully, get down on one knee to level herself with his face and his eyes. Her golden eyes were not filled with any anger or any pity, it was only concern and love for him. She doesn’t touch him right away, showing her open palm to him before speaking:

“ I won’t hurt you. May I hold your hand, Saeran? ” She tries to sound as careful and as soft as she can, with her voice that rumbles and can make others tense with just one word. However, right now, it’s laced with tenderness and careful approach as if she fears that her beloved will run away or shatter before her. It must not happen, it must not happen at all. He wasn’t in a place where others will use and abuse him anymore, she won’t let it happen. He was her little sunshine, he was her sunflower, he was precious star. Zarina kept the eye contact with him, her light frown was nothing but one made out of worry as her hand will remain in the air, waiting for him to reply if he will let her hold his or hold him close to let him feel the warmth of her body. It may be lower than his, but she was still a living human. “ It’s not your fault. Everything that happened, it is not your fault. There is no fault that is yours to bear, Saeran. ” 

It will take time for him to recover and she knows. These baby steps will lead towards a brighter future and she will find a person who will help him heal better without rushing it. The young boy who she promised to take away into a better world is here now, she won’t back down and she won’t be late anymore. Not like last time when she came and he was gone. The memory sinks the mood but it comes back as another force to help this patience that’ll extend for eternity. For him, and only him.

                   &. 𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐤 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭𝐲 𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬.

   actions cannot be perceived without CONSEQUENCES.

  like snow melting against inevitable spring, does her RULING come to an end. does it all slip away. what an odd thing, it is. to watch your life crumble TWICE. 

   “  saeran  -  “  it is lifeless, it is all lifeless & does she ponder :  ‘what is the meaning of life?’ ‘is this real ?’ the silhouette of her most favored believer : who once was. she will not swallow this reality. never.

  “  saeran,  please.  ”  her voice sounds foreign to herself sometimes ; it is noise under water. long and distorted. do others perceive her voice as strange ? is this real ?

   “  please don’t leave ;  you’d be gravely mistaken to think I do not care over you.  ” he’s a mirror to her, empty - he is hollow. her hand reaches out, denial arrives in the form of a push. he will not allow her touch.

  he has denied me. 

        he has denied me.

anger arrives. it is quiet. it is ferocious. or perhaps it is grief. grief is a powerful emotion, is it not? tears are flowing freely, time and space bend, bow before her -

   “ do not leave me. DO NOT LEAVE ME SAERAN. DO NOT FORSAKE ME AS I HAVE NEVER FORSAKEN YOU ! ! DO NOT LEAVE ME ! ” 

  she awaits for warmth. she awaits for forgiveness. she wishes to be saved from herself. 

@toskad

arranged marriage prompts. ( accepting. )

It makes no sense for him to say this. Her gaze mists over with confusion, his words are completely missed in terms of truth. He is a prime minister's son, sure, but why does it matter? As if she did not have blackmail on his father stored for a long time now. Does he not remember who she is? There are countless politicians who know her, who wish to be next to her, who would do anything to have her golden gaze on them and have their disgusting, slimy hands on her hips. Not all, of course, but there were those who would give away so many things to satisfy her curiosity. Beauty was a weapon and she was happy to use it, but there was never a moment where her heart or body belonged to anyone but Saeran himself. The way he looked at her, the way he touched her, the way he loved her, the way he accepted her. Was he truly thinking that she would not do anything to have them both remain together? There's no way he would think that until he would once again put her safety above his own. As per usual, annoyingly so.

Zarina wondered if he was joking. There was no impossibility. His family could be swayed so easily, they were all about money and fame, they were all about power and ambition. A man like his father could be seen through by her gaze full of ichor, not because of her arrogance but because she’s been dealing with those people for years and years. Her mind wonders if she should just kill them off, find a way to bribe a guard or two to have the prime minister overstep or slip on something. A trivial matter that won’t be considered a murder. It must’ve been scary to notice the shift in her expression and in her gaze, suddenly cold and emotionless, deep in thought as she stepped away from her beloved with a thoughtful expression yet lacking any emotional outfit. 

Should she organize a hunt? The Prime Minister was a crook either way, people won’t miss him if his wrongful misdeeds were exposed to the light. A scum was a scum, she could be hailed as a hero to some others as well. Her reputation won’t plummet even if some political figures would connect it to her. Then again, she wants to do this silently without anyone thinking he truly died because someone killed him. An accident would always be the best thing ever. He was a cautious man, too, but nothing that she couldn’t work with as this happened before. Zarina didn’t want to tell Saeran that she’d gone undercover to spy on his father and his activities, gathering evidence for blackmail. 

“ That’s strange... When did you need to have the acceptance of your family? Or is it because you’re concerned what they’ll do to me? ”  Her words ring through the silence that settled after his words. As if a doll, she tilts her head to the side as she genuinely cannot understand why he cannot simply say ‘fuck it’ and come with her. There are so many possibilities in causing chaos, making her life more interesting, and freeing Saeran from these shackles that don’t let them be together.  “ Don’t you hate him? Don’t you want him gone? ”

Once words were spoken, the sound of her heels clicking against the floor were heard once more. She reaches out her hand to grasp his, then holding his hands in both of hers, giving him a gentle squeeze before looking up to search for an answer she wants to see. 

@toskad

sm.ut prompt list. ( accepting! no ships are required to send. )

The way he looks at her speaks volumes, even more than his verbal communication. It stirs something within and she cannot look away. Hilarious as it is, she is wrapped around his finger at this very moment. With how he hovers over her, looking into her eyes with such love and devotion that catches her off-guard. He's seen her bloody gloved hands and still held them, leading her towards the bathroom and still staying, asking if he could help with anything or bring her anything. The warmth he brings into her life brings her to her knees, the beast is succumbing to a touch of his gentleness and his love.

Despite the hardships he'd gone through, Saeran still smiles at her and still wants to be with her. Her monstrous nature bares its fangs, her boredom makes her turn others' lives into nightmares for her own sadistic satisfaction. She is nowhere near being a goddess, but oh how those mint green-colored eyes look at her. Will he still continue to be here no matter what? As long as he wants to be here, she wants to embrace him and hold him.

Zarina cannot help but long for his presence, his warmth, his everything. She will wait for him until the end of times, she'll repress the hunger and the wants for his benefit and for his safety. Everything he wants, she will do her best to give to him. A crown of sunflowers resides on top of his head, he is her sunshine in this life of blood, sex, and drugs where manipulations and lies are far more trustworthy than the truths of others.

With how Choi caresses her cheek, she melts. The golden gaze softens and becomes warmer just for him. Without questioning, she gestures for him to get off her if only for a second. Her smile is softer than usual, if he wishes to please her, she doesn’t want to deny him. No, she wants to see what he wants to do and how he will proceed. Where does he want to touch her? Where does he want to leave his marks? She’ll give him free reign, she wants to see everything he wants to offer and she will pay back ten times more. 

Once they sit up, Zarina makes sure to let him know that it wasn’t anything he’d done. There were some things she simply wanted to show him to give him a sense of what he can do (everything). Her hand travels from her own neck to her chest, tugging the fabric that hides away the flushed skin from how hot it was getting in the room. Does it matter? It’ll get so much hotter if he only desires for it. Everything he wants, she will give it to him. Everything he has to offer, she will take. Fingers find one string of the bow that holds the fabric together, she tugs it while looking at Saeran. 

“ Then... I want you to do everything you’ve ever wanted to do with me, ” Zarina utters, the lipstick on her red lips is smudged from their kisses. She can feel the want down below, aching and it makes her press her thighs together if only for a moment to subdue the want. There is a need to have his hands all over her, leave any mark and be as rough or gentle as he wants. When the bow goes untied, the dress so easily falls apart to expose more of her porcelain skin. A canvas for for him to paint. For today, she’ll listen to his every word and give him what he wishes. No teasing this time. “ Kiss me, touch me; you can be as gentle or as rough as you want tonight. I want you to be as honest and as open with your desires and wants as you can be. ” 

 𝑺𝑬𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑵𝑪𝑬  𝑷𝑹𝑶𝑴𝑷𝑻𝑺.     //     @toskad

" ye shall know the truth & the truth shall make thee free. "

no. no. no. no.

no. no.

no. no. no.

i don't want the truth. i reject the truth. I am the truth. I am the truth. I am the truth.

before her is a child, crying for his brother. she blinks the memory away, it wont move. it is engrained in her memory. she did this.

she sees someone yelling at little saeran that his brother deserted him. his brother hated him. she did this.

she sees her psychologist looking down at her; " hallucinations? tell me of this, Rika. " she stopped taking her medication. she did that. hallucinating? was her life a hallucination?

anguish is bitter in her lips - her body is cold, it is feeble with grief. her hands hit her head, attempts to erase the memories, attempts to SILENCE the damn voices!

a soft sob comes up to her - tear stricken face turns up to see saeran.

she gasps - how much he had grown. he was an adult now - she loved him dearly. once 'pon a time, didn't she?

' will you not free me ? '

" ... free ... you ... ? " her heart breaks. no. no

no. no. no. i don't want the truth. i reject the truth.

" saeran - saeran - no. no. i cannot do this that you ask of me. shh shh- do not cry. you cannot cry - see, I'm here. savior is here Saeran. "