#tos john

Our overworked, overqualified and underpaid call centre operative is unable to take your call right now, as he is asleep. Please choose from the following options:

If your call relates to mortal peril by land, sea, or air, press 1.

If your call relates to mortal peril in space, press 2.

If your call relates to international espionage, press 3.

If you are calling to enquire about ransom payments for a kidnapped member of staff or stolen aircraft, press 4.

If your call relates to overgrown reptiles, press 5.

If you are calling to enquire about a lost minor who may have stowed away on an International Rescue aircraft, press 6.

If you are calling with regards to a problem you could quite easily have solved yourself, press 7. If you can be bothered.

To fast forward through all of the boring machinery filler bits, press 8.

If you are my grandmother, you have dialled an incorrect number. Please press the big red picture of a telephone, or ask someone younger to assist.

If you are a ginger wastrel named “Gordon”, please hang up and bother someone else.

For any other queries, press 9.

Thank you; your call is being transferred to the appropriate department and your mortal peril will be addressed by a member of staff within 1-2 business days for Earthly rescues, or 8-10 years for space distress calls.

John Tracy says...