#torturing squall

Squall has had anxiety pretty much his entire existence. When he’d first been told that it wasn’t Normal to analyse every detail of his interactions with people his exact response was “must be nice” because he genuinely doesn’t know what that feels like.

His anxiety could possibly be called crippling, but only because it renders him non-verbal sometimes. Most people think he’s just being difficult but the people who love him have come to realise that it’s a strange consequence of his fight or flight reflex that renders him mute.

Meeting Cloud for the first time had kind of been a relief. The man wasn’t Anxious like he was but his reactions guilt and exhaustion were a mirror of Squalls subconscious need to control the syllables caught on his tongue. Cloud understood that sometimes speaking felt like a monumental task and Squall could have cried when the Amman had understood him.

Dealing with Anxiety while in a relationship was interesting. Rinoa had known he was anxious but he’d never told her about the fear of her leaving, or the panic that gripped him when she was annoyed about something and hadn’t told squall it wasn’t about him. It was never her fault that Squall got in his own head, and she always tried to help, but Squall felt trapped in a spiral.

Cloud seemed to have a better handle on Squalls panic. He seemed to predict it so well that when Sora bounced in one afternoon, looked him up and down and then said “do you need anything?” Squall knew Cloud had been teaching people how to recognise his stress.

Cloud holds his hand when he starts to bite his nails. He untangles his fingers from his hair and places a hand on his knee when it bounces. The tiny murmur of “breath lion” followed by a demonstrated breath has saved him so many times

Squall still can’t communicate that he worries Cloud is mad at him but Cloud always seems to be one step ahead of him. “Squall look at me. I am not mad at you. Something happened with a delivery that irritated me, but it’s nothing you have done.” Cloud just knows and it settles a lot in Squall.

Another part of Squalls Anxiety is not knowing where people are or if they are okay. Cloud has had to make serious changes to the way he operates while dating Squall because coming home to the mess he did the first time want an option. During two weeks of worrying Squall had shut down. Now he gets a phone call every night and a text at every delivery stop. It should annoy Cloud, but for some reason for Squall it feels like the bare minimum.

He also worries where Sora is ✨always✨. There is not a single moment of the day where a little voice in the back of Squalls head doesn’t whisper “he’s dead somewhere” and Squall will end up panting over the kitchen sink as he tries to calm down.

It’s not so bad when Sora is with Donald and Goofy. Squall can just flick on the Gummy ship tracker on his computer and see where they are. It’s even better then Sora has the Gummy phone. But when Sora disappears it’s not just Riku and Kairi who are freaking out. Squall doesn’t sleep most nights because of it.

Sora’s disappearance is possibly the worst his anxiety has been since he was 17 and isolated. He doesn’t talk a lot of the time, he barely eats. Cloud spends a lot of time soothing his more harmful habits, while Aerith, yuffie and Tifa all try to make the House as stress free as possible.

He takes up knitting on Aerith’s insistence, and Tifa’s got him learning Zangan meditation techniques to take the edge off. Cid is being very Cid about it and sitting in Squalls office when no one else can. Merlin makes sleeping drafts to knock him out, and even Riku is sitting with him to try and help him process some things.

Squall feels the guilt of that one acutely and tries to avoid the teenager at all costs, but Riku is patient when he tells Squall that helping him helps Riku process some of his own worries too.

In the middle of the night when the anxiety induced night terrors bother him so bad he can’t breath, Cloud will sit up with him and help him through the worst of the trembling; laying him back down and talking him though getting his speech back.