#toregret

*record scratch*

*freeze frame*

Tulisan ini ditulis bersama suara uap heaterku yang mendidih bersama kopi yang belum diseduh. Tulisan ini ditulis bersama dengan tubuh dan jiwa yang bersih selepas mandi pagi dan berkendara pagi. Tulisan ini kutulis untuk meminta maaf untuk seseorang yang aku sayang dan meminta maaf untuk diriku sendiri.

'This morning I feel regret and I learn something from it. Did I regretting it? Well, ofc I regrets it, yet if time is being reversed with my memories is reversed too, I feel like I need to experience this again'

Hmm, kenapa gitu? Lemme explain the story first..

I have this little Yakult Banana that I really like, my Honey Bunny and Salmon Sushi. Yep, she's my 'deep heart' friend, Almira.

Pendek cerita, aku menjanjikan 'night call' untuk mendiskusikan sesuatu dan kami sangat menantikan hal tersebut. Namun, semalam aku melanggar janji tersebut.

Hari itu adalah salah satu hari yang melelahkan untuk kita. Aku dengan jam kerja yang bertubi-tubi dan kunjungan mas Faza, kakakku yang melindungiku ketika S1 dulu, dan Almira dengan seluruh aktivitas baktinya kepada orang tua dan perjalanan pulangnya dari Malang ke Solo.

yet I think a light night call is not that hard. :))

that's the case until I have got my late dinner and the world being disconnected from me, yep, I got a sleepy 'attack',

*sfx: God, I should avoid carbo and fat based dinner next time if I had my schedule in late night

Malam itu, aku berniat untuk langsung pulang, namun dengan refleks yang mulai melambat dan aku yang sudah melantur, ini akan berbahaya karena dulu hal yang sama akan berakhir aku mencium aspal yang indah dan sedikit pahit.

Then, I was deciding to hold myself low in FK that night.

TAPI, why's this sleepiness becoming more and more, and what makes worst is gaada kopi bubuk disana. I am holding it and holding it again, yet there is one conclusion that, I can't keep my promise that night and I should tell Almira about this.

THAT MUST BE DONE.

Kemudian dengan badan sempoyongan dan lisan yang meracau, mas Faza dan Pras, siapin tempat istirahat buatku di Ruang Takmir yang dulu sering jadi tempat singgahku kapan pun aku butuh.

Dan saat itu, dengan tenaga yang masih tersisa banyak namun kendali yang sudah mulai menghilang, aku mencoba menuliskan chat untuk Almira, if it's okay if we delay it to tomorrow morning or else.

Me: "Mas bubuk dulu ya Sayang, keknya dah mulai agak melayang (ngantuk poll) wkwkwk" (23.03)

That was my last chat before everything becoming blurry and I woke up again at 2 AM. Then, My Honey Bunny and Salmon Sushi reply me in 23.05, and this is what I am truly regretting that night.

Almira: "wkwkwkwk", replying my chat from 20.17 that night, which the idea is I wanna wait her till the morning light just to call her😭😭 Almira: "oke mas, semangat kerja besok" (23.56)

Well,..

The first chat is intentionally containing dissapointment toward me :) - That's a problem, I could understand it so well

Yet the second is giving me a slap in the heart, - I feel that Al is emphasizing me much much much asides from her anger and sadness due to I can't keep to my promise. She knows I was very tired so she still gives me an affirmative words instead of anger bursting words.

So, what makes me feel regret?

If you are a perceptive person, there is 3 minutes different from our chat. I regret I can't keep our agreement to do night call that night.

But the most concerning part in my head is the 3 minutes different, It felt like there is something unsettling about it.

2AM that night, I was staring to the 3 minutes different then I choose to go home. The morning ride is so refreshing and clear my mind. In my way to go home, I feel I know what makes my heart felt wrong previously toward 3-minute different.

Yes, because Almira is pouring her effort between her routine after a long tiring day for replying me. At that, ..

I SHOULD HOLD IT FOR 3 MINUTES😭😭😭

I should hold myself so I could see it in real time, the affection that poured towards me.😭

I should hold myself so I could get permission properly from my Honey Bunny Salmon Sushi.😭

I should hold myself so I could get a bit of a night call although it just listening a glimpse of her voice telling me to 'Semangat'.😭

Yet, there I am, losing my awareness in no time. Maafin aku ya, Al, I will keep this for my lesson learn :')

I feel regret that I can't keep my promise - this is a regret that I should change if I can turn back time

I feel regret that I miss my 3-minutes different - this is a regret that will be my lesson, if I can turn back time, maybe I wouldn't change it, by experiencing this, I learn a new world