#topic 15

A Few Words on Society and how it views Bisexuality from the POV of a Bisexual Genderqueer

"This doesn't change anything"

A lot of people said that to me when I decided to make a really big song and dance about Coming Out towards the tail end of 2013. As I spoke about in Topic 4 I somehow managed to go almost 30 years before realising that "coming out" was a thing I actually had to do and that, despite having relationships with people of a variety of presenting genders, the B word was doing its usual amazing invisibility trick and most of my friends assumed that I was straight. 

So when I set about correcting this, sitting people down and clarifying with them that I absolutely wasn't straight in any sense of the word, what I got in response was a lot of lying.

Because of course things changed; my coming out changed everything.

I don't think a lot of my friends understand what bisexuality is. I think they mean well but it's a bit "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" in my life sometimes; "oooh, I've never met an actual bisexual before". 

If anything, it has highlighted to me just how different straight and queer culture are from each other, as well as monosexual and non-monosexual culture. Once that difference has been pointed out it can't be unseen and suddenly you start to notice all the little problematic cracks that you'd been so forgiving about before all this Coming Out business started - back when I thought people knew and were cool with it.

Quite a few of my straight friends are now "like your updates on facebook" friends. Texts have dried up, and those "we must meet for lunch" conversations haven't happened for a while, much less actually meeting. The message I'm getting from them is loud and clear: I'm no longer in their club.

There have been a number of uncomfortable conversations about how being bi affects my relationship, including why my spouse and I have never had a threesome (or why I've never taken part in a threesome at all, spouses be damned). One particularly toe-curling moment involved a well-meaning lesbian friend offering sex tips for "if I ever felt like experimenting".

"I have been with girls before, you know that, right?"

I got a blank look in response. 

I guess it's because this is new for them while I have over twenty years worth of data to work from. I've always known I'm bi and this isn't news to me. The fact that it's news to them is just a demonstration of heteronormativity in action.

Being out at work hasn't been a big deal, although the HR manager who famously told me that my sexual orientation was irrelevant because I was married has now left. One hopes that the company that took her on sent her on a diversity course. I don't see the point of raising it with the new manager. I don't work for a big company so there isn't any kind of LGBT staff group or anything. And, as the previous HR manager advised me at the time, there isn't a policy for being queer so I guess maybe it is pretty irrelevant (although it would be nice if heteronormativity could be destroyed once and for all).

My colleagues are a lovely bunch. The ones that know don't really treat me any differently and don't bat their eyes at the pronouns when I talk about an ex. The ones that don't know I don't really feel safe in telling but they're not homophobic as such. If anything they go the other way. There's one particular girl who declared "Oh I LOVE gay people! Their clubs are the best, I always have the best times in there".

I guess if they think about it at all, they think of bisexuality of something that is performed, not lived. Sexuality (as far as a lot of people are concerned) is all about who you are fucking and, as that hasn't changed in the past nine years or so, my version of bisexuality probably isn't that interesting to your average straight monosexual. The fact that queer culture (and non-monosexual culture) is vibrant and exciting and has produced some amazing artists, musicians, authors, actors and any other number of people in all walks of life just seems to have passed them by because really the only thing worth gossiping about is what happens between the sheets. Which is a damned shame, to be quite honest.

Society doesn't understand bisexuality. It doesn't utilise the language, it doesn't recognise it as being a viable option. Bisexuality is seen as being fake or attention-seeking. Representation is almost zero and should the B word actually make it into the media, it isn't usually in a positive manner. All these things contribute to a society where it's ok to glibly quip about fake lesbians or gay-for-pay or "I'm not gay but there was this one time in college..."

Even my own mother is convinced that I'm actually gay and just waiting for the right moment to own up to it. I guess I should appreciate that she tries to talk about it at all (my dad doesn't - he's referred to it exactly once since last September and even then he said "about... you know... that") but correcting her G to a B is getting quite boring.

Of course more representation would help. Correct use of the B word would be an amazing start. Getting rid of the cheating bisexual trope and the confused bisexual on their way to monosexual certainty trope would be a fantastic step in the right direction. 

I would like to read articles on Debby Harry and Gillian Anderson that actually mention their bisexuality in black and white rather than alluding to "that bit... you know, that same-sex relationship they talked about in that interview that time". I would like Orange Is The New Black (and other programs like it) to grab the bull by the horns and just get over themselves and drop the B-bomb damn it!

How, if at all, does people’s behaviour to you change when they find out you’re bi? How do you feel about it?

Generally I am treated the same, I went to an all girls school when I first came out so I was a bit worried about being out in school but aside from being asked if I fancy this girl or this one or this one, the other girls, in my year at least, just accepted it and asked questions, however there have been times where a guy will find out and instantly start going on about threesomes and how lucky whichever guy I am dating is. 

I have had a few times where my older brothers girlfriends have been really interested in knowing about bisexuality and how I knew. He didn't find it as funny as I did.

How do people at your school/work/other social space view bisexuality? How does it affect they act around you and your behaviour towards them?

Like I said when I was at school, I was accepted with minimal fuss. As I've grown up, a majority of my friends are queer, mostly bisexuals. This just happened, none of us looked for bisexual friends we just met and got on. At various jobs, I've either not come out because I feel there is no need for me to be out or when I have came out usually had a good reaction, though I did once have a woman, who I was becoming pretty good friends with, become really distant so I stopped behaving as a friend and just responded as a co-worker. I'm not going to treat people better than they treat me.

How do you think bisexuality in general is viewed in your country/hometown/place where you currently live?

I live in England, so generally bisexuals are pretty much accepted. Obviously we have the issues of over sexualisation and stereotypes. But a majority of what I have seen, bisexuals are fairly well treated and viewed as a more or less normal thing, as it should be.

How do you wish people viewed bi people? What do you think could be done achieve it?

I feel that bisexuality needs to be seen as a normal orientation, not seen as a excuse for media promiscuity. I'm not saying bisexuals can't be promiscuous, but I feel that various medias need to show that bisexuals aren't sex-mad people who sleep with everyone with a pulse. Bisexuals on tv and in movies are often shown as cheaters or people who can't commit to relationships and those who aren't often 'don't do labels' and as such people begin to accept that the bisexual on the screen is the only 'real' bisexual so I feel media needs to show real bisexual relationships and then to drop this 'no labels' bull.

Bonus: do you know anything about how different societies used to view bisexuality in the past? Share it with us!

One day an alkene was just trollollolling along, minding his own business, as alkenes do. What he didn't realise that the double bond C=C he posessed in his stomach, was actually a really HIGH AREA OF ELECTRON DENSITY :o

An area that ELECTROPHILES are attracted to. An electrophile is an electron-deficent species that takes part in an organic reaction by attacking areas of high electron density in another reactant. :o An example of an electrophile is HBr, hydrogen bromide. 

This electrophile was all alone. He only had a partially positively charged area. All he wanted was some company from some fellow electrons. He couldn't help but be attracted to the double bond in the alkene.

Fortunately, the alkene could sympathize with the electrophile.  The electrophile accepted a pair of electrons kindly donated by the double bond in the alkene.

The alkene had been hoping for change, some transformation. He was bored of the alkene life. He wanted to be free. He wanted to grow up to be a haloalkane ever since he was little boy.

In order for this to happen, a positive ion a CARBOCATION forms. A negatively charged ion (in this case Bromide) and forms a bond with the carbocation.