#tonictulip

I didnt want to work tonight but then again I never want to work. He said he'd come see me. I've been waiting patiently but he's been caught up with family... I feel so stupid, i got all dressed up for work because i wanted to look nice when he saw me and now I'm in pajamas with no eyebrows. Everyone that wasn't him irritated the crap out of me. He doesn't even know he does this to me.

I can’t understand why I have to learn things the hard way. I’ve had so much time to think, you’d think I’d make better decisions. I guess that’s life and I know I’m used to being the one that does the judging but I just don’t need this from you of all people. Where do you think I learned this behavior? I’m nervous, I’m anxious and indecisive. I don’t understand life. Everyone looks like they have some sort of handbook on how to handle things and mine got misplaced and left out the box. I go on like someone building a desk from scrap wood with no manual, you hope it’s not as complicated as it looks, you think you can get it done but really you have no idea what’ll happen. I’ll admit I don’t know anything, I’ll admit that everything I thought I knew is a result of hyper activated anxiety and overthinking. I don’t know what I’m doing and I realize you don’t have to be depressed to be suicidal. I’m not depressed anymore; I find the vague explanations of life very unsettling. I don’t get how everyone does it because I often feel like all I want to do is escape this uncertainty. It’s probably due to my obsession with having control over every little thing that happens in my life. When I mention my thoughts on life and my relationships with people they tell me to simply stop thinking that way. But I don’t believe my thoughts are as irrational as they all say. Why is everyone so okay with not knowing? It drives me insane. What kills me, what really kills me is when I join this facade pretending that I don’t feel absolutely ridiculous and I start to enjoy myself for a minute, here comes the hearse to shit on everything and then I’m reminded of how stupid I was in the beginning to fall for it. The sad part about it all is how good it feels pretending that it all makes sense. I guess I answered my own question. We ignore it to feel that minute of happiness, which is similar to an orgasm, it’s such a tiny moment. It happens so fast but you fucking crave it constantly.

Honestly I don't know what I'm afraid of more, being a woman or being black.

You are adorable

 On Netflix there is a category just for African-Americans, as if no one other than African-Americans will watch those movies, or only African-Americans should watch them or maybe to warn others that there are a lot of black people in the film. My life so far has been a series of categories shoved in my face. Rock music is for whites, rap music is for blacks, suits are for boys, make-up is for girls and it's taught. We all some how end up in categories and to be honest it makes me feel more like a number and less of a human being...AND why are all blacks assumed to be from Africa? I don't hear any one saying European-Americans. Categories make me uncomfortable.