#tomyfutureself

Tiny Bell (to shay)

Dear love,

You dreamed about Jak again and after so many dreams that have passed these past few months, this is the only one that made you sit up, and actually write again.

It was a short dream (at least, the part you remember) but it felt so heavy. You were with Rom and Mico, sitting in an outdoor restau. It felt like one of those normal days with them, laughing, talking about life, nothing too deep, just easy and familiar. And then you all saw Maine, she was alone, talking to some fast food crew. And somehow, you, Rom, and Mico all knew. You knew they were talking about Jak and not in a good way. They were saying bad things about her, how Maine is better off without Jak. And from that moment, something shifted. It felt heavy, it crushed your heart in a way you didn’t expect. Hearing how badly Maine was talking about Jak didn’t sit right with you, and Rom and Mico noticed it immediately, so they opened it up.

They asked you what you were feeling, and you answered honestly. You said… why is it weird that you’re not happy? Why are you hurting for both of them? When the first thing you should feel, after everything they did and how much they ruined you, is relief… or even happiness? But you weren’t.

And Rom and Mico made sense of it in a way you couldn’t at that moment. They told you maybe it’s because you’ve already forgiven them more than you realize. That maybe that heartbreak didn’t harden you, it changed you, made you better, softer in a way that still knows how to love. And because they know you… they know you still have love for Jak. They know you’ve been praying for her, wishing for her happiness despite everything.

And you said it too. You said you know how much she loves Maine, that what she had with Maine was bigger than what she had with you and the dogs and you know that if they break, it will crush her. And maybe that’s why you weren’t okay hearing those things, maybe that’s why it hurt.

Then suddenly, Jak walked past your table. She looked back, she smiled at you, and she walked straight toward you. And you smiled back. But the first thing you noticed was her eyes, puffy, like she’s been crying. And in that moment, everything in you wanted to move, you wanted to hug her, comfort her, be there for her. But you froze. You didn’t know what to do so you just stayed there and smiled.

Rom, being Rom, offered her a seat. Mico stayed quiet, just observing everything. And then Jak said, “hindi na… after everything that I’ve done, nakakahiya.” And before you could even process it, Rom said, “dapat lang.” and he went on saying how disappointed they were, how they felt betrayed too. Things they never said out loud, but maybe felt at some point. And then Jak left again and that’s when you started shaking. Rom and Mico noticed. They told you to let it out and you broke down. Because you were hurting… not just for yourself, but because she was hurting too.

You told them how surprised you were that a part of you still wants to be there for her after everything. And they didn’t judge you for it, if anything, they understood.

And then you woke up crying, heavy. Still feeling everything. And maybe that’s what this dream made you realize… how much you still care for Jak, how you’ve been consistently praying for her, asking for her safety, her happiness, even asking for the strength to fully forgive her. And maybe it was never just fully about your peace. Maybe it’s because, no matter what happens, you will always have a soft spot for her and that doesn’t go away just because things ended badly.

It was also weirdly comforting that it was Rom and Mico there. Out of everyone, it was them.

Maybe because you’ve been talking to them a lot lately. Maybe because your flight to New York is next week and Rom will pick you up and you’re both excited and a little anxious and sad because you will miss Kousen and Pancho. Maybe your mind just placed the people who feel safe.

But it made sense, because out of everyone, they’re the ones who still and always have a soft spot for Jak too. You’ve seen it, you’ve felt how gentle they become whenever her name comes up, even if they try to hide it behind jokes or blunt words. So maybe that’s why they were there. To remind you it’s okay. That what you’re feeling is real. You just loved her fully. Maybe it was here to show you how far you’ve come… that finally you learned how to carry that love quietly. And… maybe that’s enough.

Love,

Your healing heart

Hi love,

You dreamt of Jak last night, and for once, there was no conflict, no tension, no forcing anything to work. It was just the two of you and the pets, calm, familiar, at peace. Like you finally figured out how to exist without hurting each other. In the dream, you were co-parenting or maybe just co-existing, you’re not even sure but it felt gentle. Like something heavy finally loosened inside you. Then the day ended, she had to leave for a family trip, her sisters came by, and you already knew her new girlfriend would be there. You thought it would break you, but it didn’t. It stung, yes, but you stayed steady, you didn’t fight the feeling, you didn’t chase after them, you just let them go.

And when you woke up… you were at peace. Your heart was happy to see Jak again, not the version that hurt you, but the one from the beginning. when love was light, when you felt safe, when you both were happy and that confused you.

You searched the meaning of the dream, like you always do. It said acceptance, that you’re finally letting go.

That’s when your chest started to ache. Maybe because loving her is finally learning how to loosen its grip, maybe you’re not sad about letting go, maybe you’re just unsure how you’re supposed to feel when something that once meant everything slowly becomes a memory instead of a wound.

So you got up, made your coffee, played some music. You sat by the window, people-watching, letting the morning move at its own pace when Best Part of Me by Ed Sheeran and Yebba played. At first, you were okay, you smiled, you remembered all the love, all the laughter, all the good things you and Jak shared. You remembered how the two of you used to sing this in the car, or at home, standing in the kitchen or the living room, just staring at each other, no distractions, just voices, soft smiles, and every word meaning something. Like the song was written for you, and you both knew it.

And when the song ended… you cried. Not because it’s over but because maybe this is what letting go feels like. It hurts, but it feels honest and maybe that’s enough for now.

With love,

Your healing heart

Dear love,

You just finished watching The Summer I Turned Pretty, and you felt every single emotion in that series, the sadness, the longing, the confusion, the hope, the healing. You thought nothing could prepare you for it, but it still broke you big time. Susannah’s death, the grief that followed, the quiet ache that stayed even when everyone tried to move on, the longing that stays even when you pretend you’re okay. And what made it even more heartbreaking and beautiful was watching how Laurel carried that loss. Her friendship with Susannah was the kind of bond that felt rare and sacred, the kind that goes beyond words. The way they leaned on each other, the quiet loyalty, the way Laurel grieved her best friend while still trying to stay strong for everyone else, it hit deep. It reminded you of Chao. How distance can sometimes feel like loss too. She’s in Canada now, living her own life, and while you’re happy for her, a part of you still misses the everyday closeness, the laughs, the late night talks, the kind of presence that felt like home. Watching Laurel and Susannah made you realize that friendships like that are love stories too, just softer, quieter, and equally hard to let go of.

Then came all the complications, Belly, Jere, Connie, Steven and Taylor. The way love got messy, how people said and did the wrong things because they were young and didn’t know better, all the youth-driven dumb decisions. The way the parents, and friendships weigh in. You saw yourself in that. All the stupid, impulsive, emotional decisions you made back then, and how easy it was to confuse love with timing, comfort, or wanting to be chosen. But you don’t regret any of it. Because through every mistake, you learned and you grew. You got stronger, wiser, and yes, maybe even prettier lol.

The growing and healing part of the show hit you hardest. All of them trying to make peace with the parts of themselves that got lost along the way. You still think about that line Jere said that losing Belly hurt more than losing his mom, because his mom was gone, but Belly was still here, still living, just not with him. That line stayed with you because you understood it too well. That losing someone who’s still alive is a different kind of pain, it lingers. It reminded you so much of Jak. Whenever people ask how hurt you were after the breakup or how you managed to cope, you always say the same thing… that grieving the dead is easier than grieving the living. You read that somewhere once, and it stuck with you. Because how do you grieve someone who still walks under the same sky, breathes the same air, but no longer loves you the way they used to? That kind of grief is really quiet and stubborn, the kind that doesn’t announce itself but lives in small moments, in songs, in places, in silence, in remembering what once was. But even with all that pain, you’ve come so far since then.

And forgiveness, the show taught you isn’t about saying they deserved it, it’s about releasing the hold someone’s hurt had over you. Where you let go not because they earned it, but because you deserve freedom. Letting go not because they apologized, but because you finally chose peace over pain. You’ve learned to forgive the people who hurt you, even the ones who never said sorry. Your parents, Maine, Jak. You found peace not through their words, but through your own healing. And you know that when the time comes and you hear from Jak again, your heart will be fully calm because you’ve forgiven her for hurting you. You’ve already made peace with the ending. But more than anyone else, you’ve learned to forgive yourself. For almost giving up, for being too hard on yourself, for holding on too long to people who weren’t meant to stay. You finally understood that forgiving yourself is the first real act of love, the kind that sets you free, the kind that lets you start again, the kind that opens you up to everything good that’s still waiting for you.

And maybe that’s what you loved most about this show… how it made you remember how good love can feel. How it feels to be giddy again, to have butterflies, to care so much it scares you. Because after everything that happened with Jak, you’ve been so scared to fall in love again. You’ve been cautious, afraid of being hurt again. But watching this reminded you that love is still beautiful. That even if it’s messy and uncertain, it’s still worth feeling. And maybe someday, you’ll fall in love again, but this time, with the right person, while also loving yourself the right way. Just imagine how beautiful that could be.

And now you’re asking yourself… are you ready to be in love again? You honestly don’t know, maybe not yet, or maybe you’re getting there. What you do know is that you’re doing the right things to heal. You’re building yourself back up. You’re becoming the best version of you for you, and maybe someday, for the person who’ll meet you when you’re finally ready.

This show reminds you that life isn’t a straight path. It’s heartbreaks and healing, messy and magical. And you? You’re learning, you’re growing, and you’re getting ready for your next chapter.

So… here’s to you, your healing, your peace, to loving boldly, to being the right kind of ready, to loving yourself fully. And maybe… just maybe… to your future love.

With love,

Your healing heart

P.S. The soundtrack? Chef’s kiss 🤌 Listen to the audio, you’ll get it! Just a little reminder for future you.

Dear love,

I’m super duper proud of you. You’ve been embracing your own company and truly finding comfort in it. From fearing silence and empty tables to sitting there with ease, eating, drinking, and actually enjoying the moment. No rush, no noise, no need to fill the space with anyone else’s presence. You’ve made peace with solitude, realized it’s freedom, and it’s learning that your own company can be enough, even beautiful. Here’s to more dinners, drinks, trying new restaus and quiet moments with yourself.

Love,

Your healing heart

Dear love,

Today, Kodaline announced that they’re disbanding. You honestly didn’t expect this to make you feel this way, but it did. It hit you right in the chest like something quietly cracked open inside. Maybe it’s not just about the band. Maybe it’s because the moment you saw the news, ‘The One’ started playing in your head, and suddenly you were back to your dream wedding, your first dance with Jak. The song you both said would be your song.

That never happened, but that memory of what it could’ve been still lingers. The lights, the slow dance, the feeling that everything was finally falling into place, it all played in your mind again tonight. And for a second, it broke you down into pieces all over again.

It’s funny, ‘The One’ used to be your song, and now the one that feels closer to your heart is ‘Moving On’. The same band that once gave you a song about finding your person is now the soundtrack to learning how to let her go.

You’ve come such a long way since then. You’ve learned to carry your love differently, quieter now, softer, but still real. And even if it still aches when a song brings it all back, that’s okay. That just means it mattered, she mattered. It’s okay to miss the dream, to feel the ache, to remember the version of you who believed so fully in forever.

You are still becoming someone stronger, gentler, and more at peace. You loved deeply, you lost, you’re healing. And maybe that’s the most beautiful part.

Love,

Your healing heart

Hi, love.

Today, you spiraled.

For the first time in months, the weight of it all found you again. You woke up crying, trembling, your heart caught between sleep and waking. It was her again. It was Jak. In your dream, you met after all these years. You stood there, looking at each other with tears in your eyes, hugging as if no time had passed, whispering how much you missed each other. It felt so real, so painfully real that when you opened your eyes, you wished you hadn’t.

It’s been a long time since you dreamed of her. You’ve been healing, rebuilding yourself. But some days arrive like ghosts. Some days drag you back without warning. And today, you couldn’t shake it off. The dream stayed with you. At work, you weren’t fully there. You were tired. You were empty. Your head wasn’t your own. It was a bad day.

Going home tonight, you slipped into autopilot. Without thinking, you drove all the way to Parañaque. Before you knew it, you were already at SM Bicutan. And instead of turning back, you just kept driving. You passed through memory lane, Doña Soledad, where countless drives began and ended. CaPhe, Presko, Maha, your comfort corner after long days. The market. Even the vet, where you brought the pets, anxious and protective like real parents. Every turn of the road whispered back pieces of the life you built, like the city itself remembered you. Then the car led you home or what once was home. You passed through the new guard of the subdivision. You parked outside your old house, tears streaming down your face. The front looks different now, but the old garden hose is still there, like a small stubborn piece of memory refusing to leave. And then you noticed something else, the new tenants living there are the neighbors from the back, the ones Jak hated the most. You caught yourself wondering how she would feel if she knew they were living in your old house now. Would she laugh bitterly? Would she roll her eyes? Would she feel the same sting you’re feeling now, seeing strangers take over what once was your little world?

You called Doc Ay when the anxiety clawed its way in. You did your breathing exercises. You asked what was happening. She told you it was your body’s trauma response, reaching for comfort, reaching for what it once knew. And then you broke down even more. All the good times in this house came rushing back like a tide you couldn’t stop. Because your body remembered. Because for five years, this was your safe place. This was where your small family lived. Jak. The cats. The boys. The smell of dinner. The laughter. The little routines that built a life. And somewhere deep down, your heart still thinks home lives here. You even prayed, “Lord, if this is all just a dream, please wake me up now.”.

But love, it’s okay. This is grief. This is what happens when love leaves its fingerprints on you. Even when you think you’re okay, it lingers. And sometimes, your heart will drive you back to the last place it felt safe, even if your mind doesn’t want to go. You’re not lost. This is healing, too. These are part of it. You’re allowed to feel everything you felt today. You’re allowed to remember. You’re allowed to miss what you had.

And tonight, right now, you need to hold yourself the way you once held her. You’re still here. You’re still breathing. You’re still moving forward. And that’s enough.

I love you.

Love,

Your Healing Heart

Today’s progress video is worth keeping here, so when you look back, you’ll remember how far you’ve come and that this day really happened. I know how hard this healing journey be, and I’m proud you never gave up.

Love,

Your healing heart