#toj

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You're sleeping on his chest, comfortable, blissfully unaware of the storm wavering inside of him.

He doesn't want to hurt you. But he's not sure how many times he can talk himself into believing that it's fine. That he does deserve you. That he's not just a stain on your life.

It's only been almost 2 weeks since Valentine's Day. You hadn't even really meant to confess but you did. And he said it back. Since then, you've said it a few times. He's said it back. He's kissed you with passion, whispered it while buried deep inside you, pulled you close in bed to hold you to his chest.

But now, he's looking down at your face, your eyes closed on his chest. Seeing how you look so comfortable, like you trust him so much, terrifies him.

He's already failed to be a protector before.

How many times did his blood-stained hands brush the hair from her face, believing he deserved her because she said so? How many nights did he spend, wondering if he deserved her love? And he couldn't do anything for her. He couldn't protect her, he couldn't save her.

-I didn't deserve her. And I don't fucking deserve this either.-

His mind is flooding with thoughts. He's tried to tell himself you're better off staying with him, but he can't. Every time you say you love him, your voice is so kind and genuine, and he feels like he's just a monster that's going to eat you alive. One day the time will come that he will destroy everything, or something will happen. It's better to just cut it off now. But, part of him screams to just give in and keep you here.

When your eyes flutter open, his decision is already made. He can't do it, even if he wants to. Even if your touch makes him feel like he's finally okay.

“Toji…?” You question, immediately seeing the furrow to his brows. “Is something wrong?” His eyes are worried, detached, like he's been thinking too hard about something for hours.

His gaze hardens as he looks at you, as if he's putting up a wall. Those green eyes that are usually looking at you with a sort of intrigue are guarded now.

-Whats going on with him?-

“Yeah, uh…” He slides out from under you, standing up and turning away. He picks up the joint he'd had on his side table, putting it between his lips before lighting it. “This..won't work. You should get your stuff together.”

“What?” You say, laughing a little. “What are you talking about?”

-This is a joke. It has to be.- You think.

But, the look in his eyes isn't playful. It's not funny. As the smoke curls around his face, the look in his eyes is nothing like you've seen before. He's looking at you almost…dead. Like he's looking right through you.

“I'm not jokin. This has gone on too long already.” He says, blowing out a puff of smoke. “Get whatever you've got around here. I'll drop ya off.”

“You'll…drop me off?” You demand. “What the fuck,Toji. I'm not sure I understand what you're saying.” You're getting upset now, and confused more than anything.

He sighs, as if he expected you to just shrug your shoulders. “This doesn't have to be hard. We've run our course.” His eyes flicker with something you can't quite place. Guilt? Reluctance? You're not even sure.

“Run our course? Are you..breaking up with me right now?” You question, getting off the bed and stepping up closer to him, brows furrowing.

“Yeah.” He says simply. Cold. Final. “Shouldn't have even started in the first place. I told you I don't do this.”

You feel tears prick the corners of your eyes, despite what you wish, but you try to force them not to fall. You turn away from him, scoffing.

This is insane. It's absolutely crazy. Everything has been just fine, you've been happy together. Things have been good, so where is this coming from?

“Yeah. You did. Silly me, right?” You say. Your voice is bitter. “Guess you just said you love me for fun. Guess you were just pretending.”

“Don't be like that. I don't do love. I can't.” He says.

You turn back to face him.

You see his shoulders sag, just a little, like he's resisting the urge to take it all back.

“You don't do love, or don't love me?” You ask, eyes piercing straight into his. You see the stutter in his breath. You've always been good at reading him, seeing through the cracks in his carefully constructed walls.

-Do I even want the answer?-

“It doesn't matter.” His voice is cold, detached, as if he's just waiting for this to be over.

“Do you love me or not, Ji?” You ask, turning to face him directly. There's a fire in your gaze. You're trying to force him to answer.

“Don't call me that anymore.” He says, turning away from you. “It doesn't fucking matter, because I'm saying it doesn't, damnit” He snaps. “I'm saying I don't want this. It's not happening.

You want to argue, want to fight with him, but with the look in his eyes and the tone he's using, you can tell it's pointless.

You shake your head and start gathering the few things you've left around his room, throwing the small things in your purse and gathering any clothes over your arm. You hadn't left much here. Just a few things. You find another bag you'd left there, and throw the clothes into it.

“Just go put it in the car. I'll take you back-”

You cut him off with a hand slammed on the dresser you're removing random pajamas from.

“Don't fucking bother, Toji.” Your voice is angry. The way you say his name is like poison on your tongue, and he feels the sting. It's far from the usual purr you have when speaking his name. It's bitter. It hurts.

He doesn't look back at your face. He just puts out the joint and crosses his arms, emerald eyes trained downward.

“What're you gonna do, then?” He questions, sounding gruff and angry, yet somehow concerned.

That only pisses you off more. It's infuriating.

-Yeah, pretend you care.-

“It doesn't matter to you. This has gone on long enough, right?” You snapped, throwing a sweater over your head, pulling it down your body. You were in your pajamas, just a pair of pants and a t-shirt. But at least it's all yours.

“I still want you to be safe-” He starts, before you interrupt him again.

-Fucking asshole-

You snap, finally yelling at him fully.

“Well, don't! You don't want me. You just woke up deciding to throw this away. No ’good morning’. Just 'oh you're awake- let's break up!’” You shout, rolling your eyes at the sheer audacity he has right now. How can he try to care about you after just breaking up with you in such a cold way?

You storm out of his bedroom, down the hall, ignoring Toji's calls of your name.

Megumi is leaving the kitchen when you burst out of the hallway, and he steps back to let you pass.

“Shit, sorry.” You say, stopping as you barely miss him. In your rush you didn't even see him there. “Did I bump you?”

“You didn't. It's fine.” He says simply, though his eyes are tracking the scene. You, holding your stuff and storming out. Toji, following. “You good?”

“Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you.” You reply, giving him a nod and turning away.

You head to the door, needing to get out and away from damn Toji Fushiguro, immediately.

Toji catches up behind you. “Just let me drive you back home, Doll.” He says, the little nickname slipping out far too smoothly. Megumi doesn't head down the hall towards his bedroom, just lingering by the hallway quietly.

“Doll? ! Don't start. I'm not your doll, or your baby, or your girlfriend, or anything else to you apparently. You're making sure of that.” Hes walking closer, reaching a hand out as if to take your bag for you.

“Don't come near me.” You sneer, and Toji stops in his tracks. It rings in his ears.

Don't come near me

He doesn't chase you anymore. He lets his hand fall.

You slip on your shoes and open the door without another word.

“What did you do?” Megumi questions, deadpan, as if he's unsurprised that his father's managed to screw up his relationship. Though, he'd never really seen him with anyone serious before then. And as far as he saw, Toji was changing for the better around you.

“I don't wanna hear it right now.” Toji says, sounding surprisingly defeated. There's no snark, no attitude. He sounds tired.

You can't hear Megumi's reaction, though, because the door slams shut behind you and you storm down the street.

You head for the bus stop, remembering where it is. You had taken the bus here the day you'd met Toji by chance, and ran into him again at his own house of all places. A bus comes shortly after your arrival. -perfect timing. maybe it's a sign.-

You don't allow yourself the luxury of fully breaking down. Not yet. Not until you're safe back in your dorm.

You do, however, text your best friend on the way.

Sure enough, she's already waiting in the dorm for you when you finally finish your bus trip. Your favorite snacks have just been delivered and she arranged your bed extra cozy just for you. It makes you smile, ever so small, and though your mind is a mess of confusion, at least you have one constant. A friendship that runs so deep, she's a safety net when things go wrong.

“I'm so sorry.” She says, as soon as you walk in, quickly wrapping you in a hug. In her embrace you can finally relax, finally let go of the composure. You bury your face in her shoulder, and sob.

“Let it out, babe. I'm here,” She says.

She lies next to you on the bed, listening to every word of your rant. How ridiculous Toji is, how you can't believe him, how angry he makes you. And most of all, how pissed you are that you actually started to love him. It makes everything one thousand times harder.

It's cathartic, to cry and yell about it. It feels refreshing to unload it all, to hear affirmations from your closest friend. But ultimately, it doesn't make it stop hurting. And as much as your heart is screaming ‘text him and beg to talk it out,’ you can't. You won't. You won't sit there and beg. If he doesn't want you, it can't be forced.

That thought doesn't stop you from checking your phone repeatedly, wondering if he'll reach out. The screen lighting up, showing no missed texts, is just a painful reminder that he was serious.

He doesn't text you at all. Not during the day, not that evening.

The next day, you have no classes and no work. Since your best friend has the opening shift at the bakery, it gives you some alone time.

She offered to call in, to stay with you and boost your spirits, but you wanted some time by yourself. It's nice to just feel the heartbreak alone sometimes.

You listen to your sad playlist, take a long shower, lathering in your favorite sweetly scented soaps. It's like a form of therapy. Cleaning off all yesterday's pain and hardships and starting new. You're not sure if you should reach out to Toji, but your pride is winning over your heart right now.

When you get out of the shower, you bundle up in some cute pink pajamas and put on an old comfort movie, snuggling up to watch it. You've put your phone on do not disturb, leaving only a few notification able to bypass.

As much as you miss his emerald eyes peeking out at you from behind his inky black hair. As much as you want his voice, his strong arms around you, you have to find a way to move on and keep going. You have classes the rest of the week, and graduation looming around the corner. There's no time after this to linger on the hurt.

So, you force yourself to keep going.

It's all you can do.