#to react

Anthony was looking her over, breath heavy. Though lost in her thoughts, she'd managed to join him in the endeavors of moving into her living room and removing the outermost layers of their clothes.

He’d paused, though, and put his hands on either side of her face. She almost flinched. The touch felt off, misplaced somehow. 

“Is this still a yes? I could go if–”

“It's a yes,” she practically hissed into an exhale as she lunged forward, determined to get this night back on track. Anthony was happy to oblige, it seemed. He searched the back of her dress until he found the buttons. A few moments later, the satiny fabric slid down her body, revealing mahogany knickers that matched her skin tone and her lack of a bra. 

Anthony took a step back and hummed to himself in appreciation. He reached for her again but Kathani waved his hand away, the sound of a light smack unexpected but not unwelcomed. 

“That wouldn't be fair, would it?” she asked before unbuttoning his shirt. As she made it to his belt, Anthony reached out again and his mouth was already open as he pulled her by the back of the neck toward him. Their tongues met and mingled as she pulled his shirt down his arms. His trousers followed a similar path to the ground. The leather belt, she kept wrapped around her hand as she turned Anthony around. They stumbled a bit as she pushed him to sit on her sofa.

It was her turn to pause and appraise. So many possibilities, she thought. How could she leave the most lasting impression, show him a little bit of what could have been? 

Confidently–too confidently, Anthony beckoned her over, widening his legs and nodding toward his lap. “Come here, Kathani. You're too far away.”

“Put your wrists together.”

“What?” his eyebrows shot up in surprise, but he didn't seem put off.

Kathani let the belt unravel from her hand but kept hold of the end of it, letting it brush against the side of her leg as it swayed.

“Wrists together, my lord.”

Kathani bit her lip, a nervous move that she hoped Anthony would read as sexy. He let out a satisfied chuckle as he settled more into the couch and dutifully placed his wrists together in his lap. Kathani slowly settled on her knees in front of Anthony. She looked up at him as he opened his mouth to say something, his expression smug. 

“Don't you even start,” she warned, getting to work improvising a binding for his wrists. “Unless, of course…” she raised an eyebrow, “you'd like me to stop?” She emphasized the last word with a taut tug on the strap. As Kathani waited for his response, she placed her hands on either side of Anthony's knees and pushed up so their faces were almost level.

Anthony gulped, and Kathani was reminded that she was only in her panties when his gaze dropped to her lips and kept traveling down. He whispered something. Kathani cocked her head to the side.

“What was that?”

Anthony's gaze snapped back to hers, his pupils seemingly several times wider than they were when she last saw them. 

“Do…not…stop.” She definitely heard him this time. The next thing she knew, they were kissing again. He must have surged forward after repeating himself, his hands still bound between them. She gripped his biceps. Once she felt grounded again, she slid her hands down his arms. She bit his lip then backed up enough to raise his hands and put them behind his head.

“Now,” Kathani raised herself up to straddle Anthony's lap. “I trust I don't need to tell you to keep your hands where I put them.”

“I'll consider it,” he replied, but his voice betrayed a shakiness. But he bucked his erection up against her and Kathani herself couldn't help parting her lips to release a breathy gasp. He chuckled. “Stop pretending, Kathani.”

“I'm not pretending anything,” she lied, shutting him up with a kiss and her hands traveling into his briefs. 

“Shit. Take them off.”

“Be patient.”

His next kiss was particularly vicious. Kathani moaned and leaned in for more, but Anthony ducked his head.

“Off, Kathani. Yours, as well.”

She decided to give him this one. She slid off his lap, keeping eye contact as she took off his underwear and hers.

“Good girl.”

“Hm. We'll see.”

She went to her knees again, trying to keep her mind quiet as she put his cock in her mouth. Spurred on by the praise Anthony couldn't seem to stop himself from uttering every few seconds, Kathani brought him just close enough to the edge before pulling off and climbing back up onto the couch. She sat on one of his thighs and knew he could feel how wet she was. 

He smirked and rocked his thigh back and forth underneath her. “Mm. All that just from tasting me?”

She put her arms around his neck as best as she could with his forearms behind him and whispered into his ear. “Maybe I’m thinking of Siena.”

Kathani would almost call the laugh that came from him in response forced. 

“Maybe I am, too.”

Damn it. Kathani couldn't stop herself before she did it. She frowned, just for a moment, but it was undeniable. And from the look on Anthony's face, it seemed he clocked it. Something like regret colored his features before he shook his head.

“If you let me move my hands,” he breathed, voice strained, “I can get a condom out of my trousers.” He only briefly looked away from her to glance at the article of clothing in question.

“Arms getting tired already?” Kathani teased, having convinced herself she'd recovered. 

“Not a bit.”

“Then allow me.”

She reached over and riffled through his pockets, retrieving the condom and efficiently rolling it on him. She slid down onto him, and something inside her softened. Something between them clicked. She buried her head in his neck. For a long moment, they didn't move. Finally, Kathani chanced a look at him and couldn't understand what she was seeing. He looked like… like he missed her. It didn't make any sense. She fell off his radar immediately after their one night of hanging out. He'd made that very clear. And yet here he was muddling things even further by speaking.

“Did you really keep thinking about me last year? Did you really–”

It was too much. She kissed him and started moving, riding him hard. It started to work. Kathani stopped thinking about fantastical romantic scenarios and focused on what was real. This physical chemistry between them, the game they were playing.

“Come on, Kathani. Tell me how it feels,” Anthony prodded as he pushed against the cushions with his bound fists to give as good as Kathani was giving.

“Mm-mm,” she huffed, shaking her head, biting her lip.

“That good, huh?”

“Shut up.”

“I don't think I will. I think you like it too much. I think–”

“I knew you'd be a talker.”

“And it's too late to pretend you don't like it.”

Suddenly, Anthony raised his arms and lowered them behind Kate's back, hauling her to him in a way that left no room between their bodies. The sudden friction on her nipples made her groan and shiver. The sounds they were making became obscene. And Anthony's laugh was pure sin.

“The mess you're making. That's how I know. You love this. Fuck, I love this.”

Kathani was pretty far gone, but she could hear the straps and buckle of Anthony's belt behind her and before she knew it, his hands were on her. One on her throat, one holding a fistful of her hair deliciously tight.

Anthony whimpered before muttering. “I really had no idea…Fuck, I had no fucking clue.”

Kathani couldn't spare a single thought to ask what the hell he meant by that because her orgasm hit her, washed over her, and kept her under before she became vaguely aware that something similar was happening to Anthony.

—

“So, is the game over?”

Anthony had gotten up to get rid of the condom and get a warm washcloth for Kathani. Now they were lying under a blanket on her sofa. Her voice betrayed a sort of sad resignation as their sweat cooled and heaving chests slowed.

“What?” he asked.

Kathani pushed up from Anthony's chest and sat up against the couch cushions, the top of the blanket pooling at her waist as she pulled her knees up so her arms could rest on them. She looked down at him for a few moments before saying through a forced chuckle. “I told you, Anthony. I know why you wanted this to happen.”

Anthony rushed to sit up next to her as he shook his head. “I wanted this to happen because I wanted you.”

Kathani scoffed.

“Katha–”

“You can't truly expect me to believe that when I made my interest embarrassingly clear last year before you left with…” She ran a hand through her hair and sighed. “You can't tell me you would have ever spoken to me again if I wasn't her rebound.”

Kathani was right, he knew. His approach at the bar hadn't looked like genuine interest. He knew going after Kathani was probably a dumb idea, considering why he ran away the first time.

“Don't feel obligated to stay for some arbitrary amount of time before you tell me you have an early morning. I'm fine, Anthony. Really. This was fun.”

She wasn't fine. Anthony may not have known her well, but that evening a year ago, when they spent hours giving each other their undivided attention before he retreated like a coward, was a crash course on reading Kathani Sharma, and Anthony remembered every bit of it. He always would, no matter what did or didn't happen after tonight.

“I can leave if you want me to. But,” Anthony hedged.

Kathani raised an eyebrow. “You want to stay?”

“I shouldn't,” he laughed humorouslessly, “but yes. I really do.”

“Why shouldn't you?” She settled deeper into the sofa and pulled the blanket up under her chin, looking earnest. And adorable.

It was an invitation for Anthony to stay and talk, for which he was grateful. He mirrored her position before answering.

“Because I want to make all kinds of exceptions for you, and it's bloody terrifying.”

Kathani’s neutral expression was inscrutable, so Anthony could only elaborate. “When we met last year… I liked you, obviously. But, I didn't just like you. I liked you in a way that felt like I could…  Perhaps one day, I…” He looked up to the ceiling for a moment and huffed out a breath before looking her in the eye, hoping to communicate the gravity of the precedent she had set. “I've never thought about ‘one day’ with anyone before.”

“Not even with S–”

“Anyone, Kathani,” he said firmly. “Looking at you, talking to you, laughing with you… I saw flashes of a life. The life my parents had–until they didn't. The life I was determined not to want. And I'd been successful for a decade.”

“Successful at believing your lies,” Kathani said, soft but confident.

“What?”

“Lies. About what you're allowed to feel. About how everyone else is allowed to feel about you. Bollocks. You have no control over any of that.”

Anthony nodded, conceding the point. “Well, I thought I did. Until I met you.”

Silence hung between them for a few minutes. Anthony nervously played the edge of the blanket while Kathani seemed to be in deep thought. Finally, mercifully, she spoke. 

“So, you left me hanging last year because…” she looked at him questioningly. 

“Because…” Anthony tentatively touched her hand, intertwining their fingers when Kathani scooted closer to him. “Because it took almost no time at all for me to know how much you could fuck me up. To know that I could love you.”

“One day,” she smirked, and even that much of a smile from her lightened the air around them. 

“One day.” Anthony leaned his forehead to meet hers. “I'm sorry, Kathani. I should have stayed that night. With you.”

She brought their intertwined fingers to her cheek. “Thank you.”

“So, to answer your earlier question, this isn't a game. I don't want to play games with you.”

Once more, Kathani's eyes implored him for the absolute truth. “Are you sure? Am I real to you, Anthony?”

He knew it was important not to hesitate. He held her face in his hands. “You're real to me, Kathani. Whatever bullshit brought me here… It's not why I want to stay now.”

Kathani sighed, a true smile blooming across her face this time.

Anthony whispered, “Can I stay, Kathani?” He kissed her temple, “Lady K?”

She didn't hesitate either. “Stay.”

---

They were standing in the tiny foyer of Siena’s flat. She hadn’t even let him get all the way inside before she told him they needed to talk. They had gone back and forth for about fifteen minutes before Anthony realised he didn’t know what he was fighting for. Everything she’d been saying was true.

Maybe it was just because he was the one that was usually doing the breaking up. And that’s what this was. A real breakup. Not some lover’s quarrel that would inevitably end with them making up, fucking in some ridiculous place like his mum's garden during a dinner party or her dressing room at Smythe-Smith Dramatic Society.

“Right.” He looked down, around, anywhere but at her, feeling like a twat, holding the roses he’d brought to her place, the bouquet she ignored as she wasted no time getting into what had obviously been weighing on her for some time. “Um, so, I’ll go.”

Her eyes were wet with unshed tears. His eyes weren’t, which probably said something. Siena put a hand up to his cheek, which was thick with stubble that one could almost call a proper beard.

“I really wish you all the best, Anthony.” She sounded… tired. So damn tired.

“Thanks, um…” He took half a step back away from her touch, telling himself he didn’t need any comfort. “You, as well.” He turned to leave, but stopped. “Would it–You’ll probably still see me at shows. You know, for Ben.”

Siena nodded. “Of course.”

“I’ll keep my distance, though. At wrap parties and things like that.”

“I’m not worried about it, Anthony.”

“Right.” He stepped out over the threshold. “OK. Bye. Um–Yeah, bye.”

“Bye.”

Anthony had made it halfway down the hallway before realising he was still holding the damned roses. He tossed them in the bin at the top of the stairs without a backwards glance on his way out to the street.

—

The next morning, Siena sat up in bed and turned to her bedside table, where she kept her "I Woke Up Like This" kit: A brush, floss, bottle of water, mascara, and lip stain. Once she was armed for the internet, she posted a quick video to her feed.

"Good morning, guys! I'm gonna level with you. I'm going through some personal stuff right now but I just wanted to hop on here to let anyone who needs to hear this know: You are worth it. No matter how hard it may seem, stand up for yourself. You are your biggest advocate. Love you guys! I'm off to SSDS for rehearsals. Make sure to buy tickets for our upcoming show! It's a revue of Shakespearean comedies! It's gonna be so much fun. Link in my bio! Check in with you later today. Mwuah!"

—

"OK, guys, I think we can call it a day! Thanks for everyone's hard work! Now, let's go drink!"

Benedict's dismissal was met with cheers and applause by the cast and crew, scattered onstage, in the audience, and backstage at the Smythe-Smith Dramatic Society. As everyone gathered their things, most preparing to walk down the street to the pub, Benedict caught up with Siena, who was moving slowly, putting her bag strap over her shoulder.

"Hey."

"Oh, hey, Ben."

"You were great today, as usual, but I just wanted to check in because you seem a bit down. I don't know, low energy? Anything I can help with? Are you unhappy with the show or–"

Siena scoffed and shook her head. "You haven't spoken with your brother?"

Anthony. Of course. Benedict rubbed the back of his neck. "Ah, no. What did he do this time?"

Siena paused thoughtfully. "Nothing, really. It was just time to finally… I don't know, free ourselves, you know?"

Benedict didn't know. He narrowed his eyes. "So… You guys broke up."

It wasn't a question. It was a statement, an indication that this didn't seem like news. They fell out all the time. But Benedict knew better than to point that out.

Siena sighed. "Yes, we broke up. But this time is different.”

Benedict smiled a little at the cliche.

“No, Ben, really. I sort of had an epiphany a few weeks ago. How can I claim to be all about self love and respect while being in a relationship with a guy who has made self-loathing his entire personality? If he doesn't think he deserves anything good, what does our relationship say about how he feels about me?"

Benedict's face sobered. He opened his mouth to respond but nothing seemed right.

"Sorry, I know he's your brother–" Siena waved a hand and made to turn away but Benedict stopped her.

"No, no, it's fine. I do understand what you're saying. I just… I’m sorry he made you feel that way."

Siena shrugged, “I appreciate it.” A small smile formed on her face. “It’s weird. When I woke up this morning, in some ways, I already felt better than I have in a year and a half. I hope it's the same for him. I think it will be. I'll always care about him, you know?”

Benedict nodded slowly. “Come here, babe.” He pulled Siena into a bear hug that made her chuckle. She backed up and put her hand on his shoulder, shaking him gently.

“But, really, we don’t have to talk about your brother. We're meant to be drinking, right?”

Benedict relaxed and took Siena’s bag off her shoulders to carry for her.

“Right. And yours are on me tonight.”

—

Three weeks later, on a Sunday evening, the members of SSDS were celebrating a successful run of “The Comedy of Errors, and Then Some” backstage at the theatre. As always, Benedict made sure the wrap party was catered well and had an open bar. Such was one of the benefits of having a trust fund baby as the most active member of your drama club.

Once Siena had changed, she cautiously entered the gathering, scanning the room for who else may be here in addition to the players and crew.

“He’s not here,” came a voice from behind her.

“Jesus, Ben! Do you need to start wearing a bell?”

“Sorry, honestly didn’t mean to startle you. You just looked… worried?” Benedict raised his eyebrows

Siena nodded reluctantly. “Thanks.. I… Yeah, I was wondering if he was here,” she admitted. How has he been? I haven’t really seen much from him online or anything.”

“To quote the man himself,” Benedict dramatically pulled out his phone, took a deep breath, and uttered, “‘I’m fine.’” 

“Ugh, fuck off.” Siena gently pushed his shoulder as they shared a laugh. “He’s always fucking fine,” she lamented, rolling her eyes.

Benedict shrugged. “Yep. Haven’t seen him much. He came to a show, of course. Left a donation. Same as ever. Mum was complaining that he hasn’t been at the house, citing work every time any of us even hints at a family get-together.”

“Same old shit.” Siena ruefully shook her head.

“Same old shit, indeed. Anyway, we don’t have to talk about him, remember? Can I get you a drink? Some food? You have to eat something. This place I ordered from is fucking excellent.”

Benedict offered Siena his arm, and after she took it, he led her to the buffet table.

“Every place you pick is always excellent, Ben.”

—

Kathani sat on one of the folding chairs at the edge of the party, thinking it was probably time to say her goodbyes and head out. She was opening the art supply shop she managed in the morning, and had already had too much to drink, if she was being honest. She needed to pack for Bridgwater so she could catch the train right after work. Mary and Edwina always insisted she didn’t have to visit every week, yet every time she made the trip, there was a laundry list of things with which they needed help. And lately there was the ongoing conversation of where Edwina wanted to go to university. Ultimately, Kathani wanted her sister to pick anywhere she wanted. But if Edwina stayed in Somerset, she could live at home with Mum, which would be great not only for Mary but also for their family finances. Edwina had spoken excitedly about the aspect of coming to London. Kathani had been careful not to discourage her–not yet, at least. However she always found herself in a spiral about everything that would need to change to make that happen–without contacting Mary’s parents. Mary can’t stay three hours away from her daughters by herself. How would they pay for Edwina’s tuition? If Edwina lived with her, that would help, but her flat is tiny. Could she afford a bigger place? She could leave SSDS and have time for a proper second job. Maybe put more effort into marketing her paintings?

“Hey, mind if I sit here?”

Kathani’s thoughts were interrupted by Siena Rosso, gesturing towards the empty chair next to her.

“Not at all. Brilliant job tonight. The whole run, actually, as always.”

Siena settled into the chair and smiled as she took a sip of her drink. “Thanks. It’s Kate, right? Beautiful work on the sets. Likewise, no surprise there.”

“It’s Kathani, actually, and thank you.”

“Oh. Sorry, I could have sworn–”

Kathani waved her off. “It’s fine, I went by Kate for a while. Decided to go back to my given name. I realised I actually couldn't be arsed to care too much about making white people more comfortable with me.”

“Ah. Sorry.”

“On behalf of all white people?” Kathani teased.

Siena held up her hands. “Just me, I’m afraid.”

“Well, apology accepted.” The two women shook hands in mock seriousness, laughing. “I’ll just have to collect my reparations one at a time, then.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a few moments before Kathani spoke again.

“Isn’t Benedict’s brother usually following you around at these things?” Kathani’s voice was a little tight as she asked the question, falling short of her goal to sound only mildly interested.

“Ah.” Siena shook her head, resigned. “Nope. Not anymore.”

Kathani's eyebrows shot up, something like longing awakening within her and making her heart stutter. She schooled her features before tentatively offering, “Sorry?”

“No, it’s good. I mean, thanks, but… I ended it. It was the right thing to do. Um–” Siena suddenly looked away, sheepish.

Kathani narrowed her mirthful eyes. “But…?”

“What?” she responded innocently.

Kathani held her hands up. “Hey, you don’t have to tell me, I can just tell there was more you were going to say. And I’m a neutral-ish party.”

“Ish?”

“Well, Anthony isn’t here to defend himself, is he? So, I’ll gladly ‘yes and’ any shit you want to say about him.” Hearing how terrible a partner Anthony is sounded like exactly what Kathani needed.

Siena laughed, “Ha, no. Actually, it’s nothing to do with him. Not directly, anyway.”

Oh, well. “No?”

“Yeah, I’m just… I don’t know…” Siena struggled to articulate her thoughts, gesturing vaguely at her own body.

Kathani smiled as realisation hit her. “Lonely? Missing a warm body in your bed? Getting tired of your vibrator?”

“Jeez, yeah. Yes, OK?” Siena looked around as if anyone might be paying attention to them. No one was, of course.

“Hey, no judgement coming from this direction,” Kathani said. “Actually… I think I may be able to help with that.”

Siena raised an eyebrow, amused, but perhaps also intrigued. “You think so, eh?”

Kathani shrugged, biting her lip. “I, um… I was actually about to head out.” She looked over at the exit before meeting Siena’s gaze, holding it.

“OK,” Siena said softly before swallowing.

Slowly, giving Siena time to stop her, Kathani raised her hand and pushed a lock of Siena’s hair behind her ear and smiled at her, her eyes dropping to Siena’s mouth.

“Smooth,” Siena whispered, her eyes similarly trained on Kathani's lips.

“Thank you,” Kathani replied under her breath before leaning in and kissing her.

Siena was still for a few moments, but right before Kathani took the hint and pulled away, she felt Siena’s lips move against hers. Kathani cupped the back of Siena’s head and deepened the kiss once Siena opened her mouth to allow Kathani’s tongue to mingle with hers. Once they pulled back for breath, Kathani stood and held out her hand. After Siena took it and stood as well, she said, “Let me get this out of the way now. I actually do have work in the morning, and I’m going to visit my family afterwards.”

“Two tried and true excuses? Impressive.” Siena's eyes twinkled.

“I know. But if tonight goes well, maybe we can catch up next week?” She ran a thumb over Siena's knuckles

They shared a grin before Siena nodded. “Yeah, take me home and let’s see how we fare.”

—

The following week, SSDS met up to discuss their next show. Benedict noted that Kathani and Siena were sitting together and tried to remember if he’d ever seen them looking so friendly. Of course, all the members knew each other to some degree. But it was a pretty big group, and Kathani tended to stick with her fellow props and set design crew. But the twosome were certainly friendly tonight, smiling and whispering throughout the meeting and then finally, once everyone was dismissed, leaving together, hand-in-hand.

—

Anthony was leaving a date’s townhouse when he received a video call from Benedict.

“What?” he huffed as he jogged down the front steps.

Benedict looked to be trying to make out Anthony's surroundings. “Well, well, well. It’s only 9 o’clock. Couldn’t even stay for tea?”

“Right. Hanging up.”

“Wait, wait! I have news,” Benedict announced in a singsong voice.

"Sure, you do. Go on, then."

"Seriously, though. I'm only telling you this because I work with them and if something comes up on Siena's Instagram or something, I know you're gonna feel betrayed or some shit."

"Siena can do whatever she wants," Anthony said, defensive.

"I know that. But does that mean you don't want to know if she's hooking up with someone I know?"

Anthony slowed his steps. After rolling his eyes and running a hand over his face, he relented.

"Fine. Who is it?"

"You remember Kathani Sharma, right? She does the sets."

Kathani Sharma. Kate. Of course Anthony remembered Kate. Last year, Benedict dragged him to SSDS bowling. Well, more like his brother casually mentioned he was going bowling, and Anthony grabbed his bowling bag and declared, "Fuck, yeah, I'll come show you theatre kids how it's done!"

A couple of hours later and he was as frustrated as he was mesmerised by the woman he ended up on the same lane with. Anthony would never say she was better than him. Never. But facts are facts, and she blew him out of the water on that particular night. And with such unabashed glee, as well. "That's not even my highest score!" she had crowed, a grin gracing her striking face. As far as Anthony was concerned, he was playing against Kate and Kate alone. And she seemed to be on the same wavelength. That night had been shaping up to be the most fun he'd had in a long time before it was suddenly cut short when Siena, who had been playing several lanes away, sauntered up to him and started whispering in his ear about how much she missed him. Before he knew it, he was in the back of a car with Siena, a thought circling in the back of his mind about not giving Kate a proper goodbye–and a quieter yet more persistent thought that he shouldn't have left at all.

"Ant?"

Benedict's smug smile greeted Anthony as he was pulled back to the present, a stranger jostling passed him where he'd stopped on the sidewalk.

"Yes, I remember her. Like I said, Siena can do whatever she wants. No need to keep me updated. I've gotta go."

"I'm sure you do. The night is young and all that."

—