#tna3

First of all, Chef Martin looks like an asshole. Probably the most punchable face in Choices history. And his menu options only made me want to punch him more. Fuck this guy. 

If you know me, or have followed A Taste of Cordonia, you know I’m a girl that loves a good glass of champagne. Is it mostly for the aesthetic of looking fancier than I actually am? Yes, 100%.

*Side note, since our last culinary journey, I have made a discovery. Edible glitter. Throw a spoonful of that in your champagne and it’s extra fancy as fuck. That was my New Year’s Eve.*

This concoction however, I am torn about. Berries, great. Love a good berry. Except raspberry, not really my scene. I can get past it in a drink if I have to, could we throw some Midori in there instead? No, wait, never mind, that might be gross. 

Wait...

Would it be? Should I try it? I think I might try it...

... with GLITTER! ✨  

As for the bourbon situation, that seems like a drink for the old timey business man types that will inevitably be invited to the wedding. They’ll sneak away with their gross old man drinks and some cigars on the veranda while making off color jokes about “the good old days.” 

I chose the champagne cocktail. 

What the actual fuck. They know there are going to be seven year old boys at this wedding, right? Is there going to be a kids option of like chicken fingers or something? If so, can I opt for that? 

OCTOPUS?! Gross dude. First of all, I’m pretty sure it’s well known at this point that I do not do seafood, of any kind. Not even the normal stuff. If you’re going to braise something, shoot ya girl a short rib. 

How do you even eat that thing? Are you supposed to eat the suction cups? Or do you just suck the meat out of it like with lobster? 

Second of all, I know they’re different, but I am an adopted member of House Beaumont, in squidly solidarity, I am utterly appalled that they would harm such a majestic creature. Yes, I know, wrong book. So sue me, my heart will always be in Cordonia.

Bean salad just sounds gross. Could it be because I don’t like beans of any kind? Yeah, probably. And if you zoom in on that picture, it definitely looks more like a soup than a salad. I also don’t do soups, so strike two. 

There is honestly no winning here, they both sound gross, they both look disgusting, and I bet they both smell bad too. 

I chose the bean salad. At least there won’t be a bunch of octopus that have died in vein when nobody touches their abomination of a “dish”. 

Whatever happened to chicken or beef at a wedding? Yes, fish is also a suitable option. And I guess duck is kind of a version of chicken? But I feel like a swanky wedding like this would have some kind of fancy steak option. 

... that I would get without question, because if you eat red meat and don’t choose it when you’re invited to a wedding, you’re doing it wrong. 

I’m about to say something incredibly hypocritical, I will be the first one to admit it, so I don’t need you guys pointing it out to me. Okay, here we go...

I love ducks, I can’t imagine ever eating one. 

Yes, I love pigs, and I still eat the fuck out of bacon and other pork products. Yes, I love cows, and y’all just heard my rant about fancy steaks at weddings. Chickens are cool, but I’ll fuck up a good chicken parm, and don’t even get me started on chickey fingies (that’s what I call chicken fingers, because I am emotionally 5 years old most of the time). 

My dream in life is to have a pet duck and name it Duckster. I don’t dream about getting pet pigs, or cows, or chickens, so that’s the difference in my head. It’s stupid, and irrational, but have you heard some of my reasons for not eating things? Then I’m sure you’ve come to expect it from me. 

Now that we’ve ruled out the main feature of the dish, let me tear apart the rest of it. I don’t like red wine, so I can’t imagine I would enjoy that sauce. Polenta? I literally had to google it because I thought that was a kind of cheese (I got polenta and pimento mixed up). Google defined it as “cornmeal mush”. I truly do not think they could have made it sound any less appealing. It sounds like baby food or something, not at all like something I would ever want to put in my mouth. And definitely not something that should be served at a fancy rich person wedding. 

The other option, is more seafood. FML. Let me say it one more time for the people in the back, I. Hate. Seafood. It’s gross, it makes me gag to even just smell it, let alone have it anywhere near my taste buds. What this option did have going for it, was the pesto. If you ask me, pesto is the best-o (that’s just a fun little joke I like to throw around from time to time 😉). But here’s the thing, shouldn't the pesto be over the salmon, not under it? That is how sauce works, right? It’s basically asparagus pesto with a hunk of fish dropped on top of it. 

I chose the salmon. One, because I couldn’t do that to my dearest Duckster, and two, because at least it had pesto. I’ll just save my roll from the bread basket (unless it’s not normal bread and they do some weird thing with it, which they probably will), and dip it in the pesto. That should hold me until I hit the drive thru on the way home. 

That being said, do you think Door Dash will deliver to a wedding venue in Mexico? 

Alright, now we’re talking. Let me at that cake! Yummy in my tummy! 

Pretty standard offerings, which is appreciated after the parade of yuck that we’ve been dealing with. Chocolate and vanilla are my jam. Dream option, mix the two and have a marble wedding cake. Strawberry is fine, but it will never be my first choice for a dessert (unless they are actual strawberries, dipped in chocolate). 

In the real world, when you have a multi-tier cake, you could usually pick multiple flavors (fun fact, my wedding cake was 3 tiered and our flavors were red velvet, vanilla with some kind of fruit or berry thing between layers, and funfetti). But Chef Asshole only lets you pick one. Apparently his pastry chef can’t handle multitasking. 

I went for the vanilla, I felt like it was a lighter, simpler, choice for a wedding. 

------

Then things get kind of weird... 

Diamond scene in the restaurant kitchen, violated probably like a million health codes. And 100% there was probably a sous-chef, or that damn pastry chef in the pantry or something trying to get ready for the dinner rush when these two horn dogs come barreling in and making a mess of everything. 

I like strawberries. Preferably dipped in chocolate or whipped cream (which also makes them sexier, BTW), but I do go back to basics and eat them plain as well. I actually had some earlier today as a matter of fact. 

I like strawberries, but I don’t really like strawberry flavored things (ice cream, cookies, cake, etc).

That’s all I’ve got on strawberries. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Seriously? He decided to use red hot chili peppers? Sam Dalton, suck my kiss (IYKYK. Also, sorry not sorry). 

But for real, what a horribly unsexy idea. Here was his reasoning behind it:

“Chili peppers get your heart racing and your adrenaline going... stimulating the body.”

You know what else they do, Sam? Give you bad breath and the runs. What the fuck is sexy about that? 

Also, where do you think you’re putting your fingers after you touch those things? Because ouch. 

I don’t like any heat in my food, so this is an immediate no for me. 

This is clearly some kind of a soufflé or lava cake, not chocolate sauce. But it’s chocolate, so let’s go. Can someone grab me the rest of those strawberries from before? 

No? The strawberries are gone? Okay, I’ll need to put the chocolate on something else then...

Perfect! 10/10 for presentation (for either option, honestly). 

I mean, what can I say about chocolate? I love it, it’s delicious. I think it’s quite obvious that I’m a fan. Let’s just have a Willy Wonka themed wedding and make the whole menu chocolate. The invitations cold be golden tickets, it would actually be super cute.