#tmps

Child me: no I won’t

Young adult me: uses lint rollers to clean my floors

Older adult me: trades vacuuming for shoveling with my roommate

Current me: married to a guy who gives a ten minute warning before he vacuums so I can get out of the house

Me to my kid: you’re going to have to get used to cleaning the toilet eventually

My kid: no I won’t

YIPPIEEEEEE

Thing said:

Your legs ain’t broke! Do it yourself!

Why it pissed me off:

I asked for help like I was supposed to!  Why am I being dismissed and punished for it?  This is stupid.  They tell me to ask when I want help, and then never help me! This is a ridiculous double standard!                                 

How I feel about it now:

The thing I was asking for help with was usually something like getting a juice box because I didn’t want to break my hyperfocus. I had full capabilities, and probably needed a break from whatever I had spent 11 solid hours doing.  My parents had multiple children with special needs and spent most of their waking hours managing our behaviors and inventing private therapies and interventions because the school didn’t have any inclusive options back then.  They needed a break sometimes.  My legs weren’t broke.

Would I say it to my own kids:

I opt for the slightly more explanatory “You need to do things for yourself so you can keep your sense of autonomy and feel in control of your own life,” or "I'm just saying no right now because I feel like too many people have been demanding too many things recently." Pisses my kid off just as much, so it may be a lateral move, but time will tell...

TMPS 1

Thing said:

You can’t [wear, do, say, listen to, watch] THAT, the other kids will all make fun of you!

Why it pissed me off:

Gosh mom, I can’t possibly imagine what it would be like to get made fun of.  I can promise you, no amount of brand name clothing will protect me from getting mocked, and I would rather not also get it at home…

How I feel about it now:

My mom knew I was having trouble socially, and I think she was genuinely trying to help me fit in better by making me aware of the things that were different about me so I could change them.  It sucked, though, because all it did was make me hate the parts of myself that I had liked most, and that were hardest to change.

Would I say it to my own kids:

Never have I ever dared to utter this phrase.  If a kid asks “Do you think the other kids will make fun of me for this?” I answer honestly, then ask them “Does it matter to you, as long as it isn’t hurting anyone and makes you happy?”  Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes it is no

If the behavior in question actually is harmful, I do try to point that out.  I have not yet figured out a reliable way to do that without upsetting the kid. It seems to depend heavily on their own mood, so I think the key might be trying to time it for a moment when they are feeling receptive and communicative. It also helps if I phrase it as a story about something I struggled with previously, instead of making it about them.

TMPS 1

TMPS 2

Thing said:

WILL YOU SHUT UP FOR FIVE MINUTES?!

Why it pissed me off:

My parents hate me.  They can’t stand even having me in the same room.  I am the most obnoxious and annoying person in the world. Nobody will ever love me.

How I feel about it now:

This was a shitty thing to say, for sure.  Again though, I refer back to the number of kids in my house, the number of us who had special needs and did loud vocal stimming, who made sudden banging noises, and so on.  it’s a lot harder to be angry at my parents for having moments where they couldn’t take the constant random screeching interspersed with infodumps and movie quotes when they were very focused on masking so they could avoid harsh judgments from other parents. I later found out there were many times people said nasty things to them about their "feral" children, because they would let us do harmless sensory-seeking behavior in public. Nobody else was doing that at the time. Kids were meant to be seen and not heard. I think, sometimes, they were worried someone would call CPS on us. I think, sometimes, people did. They shouldn't have snapped like that. It is really hard to stay angry about it, though. They are people. They had dark moments. They kept trying. That counts.

Would I say it to my own kids:

I try not to.  I really try.  I have failed several times, and I feel bad about it.  The constant vocal stims can be a lot to handle, especially when paired with sleep deprivation.  I do apologize later.  Then we talk about overstimulation and ways to avoid it, and how it is important to take responsibility for making things right even if the reason you said a hurtful thing was because of your disability making you cranky.  We have also established set “screaming hours” during which anyone who is overstimulated needs to go put on headphones or take a walk and let the rest of the family be loud. It is a work in progress, for sure.

TMPS 1

Thing said:

That friend is a bad influence on you.  I don’t like the way you act around them.

Why it pissed me off:

My parents don’t trust me at all to know who I am!  I act the way I choose to, because I am me!  My friends do not dictate who I am!  Nobody is an influence on me!  You just hate this friend like everyone else hates them, and they deserve a chance!

How I feel about it now:

Oh gosh.  I get it now.  It is so easy to tell within hours when my kids are talking to people who are bad for them.  There is a sharp increase in self-deprecating jokes, a sharp increase in disrespect, a sharp increase in mood swings and outbursts.  Yeah dude, this kid is bullying you and there is a REASON all the other kids hate them.  It is because they hurt others as a coping mechanism and will continue doing so for as long as someone is around to tolerate it. 

Would I say it to my own kids:

I have said it in the past, with the same results.  Now I am trying to find other strategies for getting them to recognize when someone is treating them poorly.  Ironically, this is the only part of parenting that I feel I have actively gotten worse at the longer I have been doing it.  The further apart in age I am from a kid, the harder it is to trust their judgment.  Even though, objectively, the youngest kid has the best judgment out of everyone I have had so far, he is still a kid. Kids learn everything through trial and error, including judgment. The more perspective I gain, the more I notice the errors.

TMPS 1

TMPS 2

TMPS 3