#tmbtp:part1chapter3

Hollis and I are enjoying an after dinner coffee at the cafe. Coffee at dinner time sounds wild, I know, but I usually stay up late anyway.

“So, I wanted to ask you something,” Hollis tells me as she’s waiting for her drink.

“Sure, go ahead.”

“Would you want to walk me down the aisle?”

“I’d be honored!” I exclaim. “So, you’re not planning on inviting your parents?”

“No, I haven’t spoken to them in years,” Hollis says. “I don’t think they’d approve of me marrying a woman anyhow.”

“Yeah, I can understand that. I was in the same situation with my mom.”

“I remember.”

Hollis finally gets her coffee and we sit down.

“I can’t believe your wedding is almost here," I tell her.

“Well, that's because I haven’t been engaged for very long," Hollis laughs.

“True, but time is still going by fast.”

“This all seems surreal. After all of that planning, my big day will come, and then it’ll just be over.”

“It is pretty crazy. But you’ll be too busy enjoying your honeymoon to think about that too much.”

“It’s going to be nice getting away for a little while after going through all of this stress.”

“It will be. You know, I’m really happy for you.”

“I know. You’ve been a big help. I couldn’t have done it without you and Paul.”

“We’re happy to help.”

After Hollis’s wedding, I didn’t have anything to take my mind off of waiting to hear from the adoption agency. It turned out that wasn’t an issue for long. Paul got one home from work one day and told me he’d gotten a call from the adoption agency.

“Tell me it’s good news,” I say.

“It’s great news. There’s a newborn who’s in need of a home and they want us to take him.”

“Are you serious?” I’m over the moon. “We’re finally getting a baby?”

“Yes, I’m serious. This is real, we’re going to have a son!”

“I would say you have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear those words, but I think you do!”

“I definitely do. There is one other thing, though.”

My heart drops a bit. What else could there possibly be? 

“What is it?”

“Well, the baby has an older sibling. A much older sibling, a 16-year-old brother. He’s been in foster care for a while, and they asked if we’d be willing to take him, too.”

“Wow, I wasn’t expecting that.”

“I know. She said if we need some time to think it over, then we can.”

“I don’t need to think it over,” I tell him. “If the kid needs a home, then I can’t turn him away.”

“I had a feeling you’d say that.”

“So, how do you feel about it?” I ask.

“I’m with you. We have the space in our house and our hearts, so why not?”

“So it’s official, then. We’re getting two sons.”

“We are!” Paul kisses me on the cheek.

I can’t believe we’re expanding our family with 2 more people. We’d better get started on preparing for our boys.

I’m feeling a little better about things with Paul now that we’ve talked about it in depth. One thing has still been lingering on my mind, and that is Chelsea. She still hasn’t been on board with having a sibling, so I decide to talk to her about it.

“So, are you still not wanting a sibling?” I ask her.

“No way!” She replies. 

“Well, unfortunately that’s not something you get a say in,” I tell her.

“Why?”

“Because, it’s up to the parents to decide how many kids they have. But I want you to know that I do care about how you feel.”

“Okay.”

“Why don’t you want a sibling?”

“Because I want to keep being the baby.”

“Well, you know you’re getting to be a big girl. We might need your help if we have a baby.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, we need someone to make the baby laugh, and I can’t think of anyone who could do that better than you.”

“I like to make people laugh,” she says.

“I know! I bet a baby would love to have a big sister like you! And if we adopt an older kid, you’ll have another big sibling to help you with things.”

“Like reading me stories?”

“Exactly! So can you see how having another sibling might not be a bad thing?”

“Maybe it won’t be too bad,” she admits. “As long as they’re not stinky.”

“Hmm, I don’t think we could find a kid stinkier than you,” I joke.

“I’m not stinky, you are!” She laughs. I’m glad she seems to be coming around to the idea of having another kid in the house, but I know that doesn't mean she's accepting a new sibling whole-heartedly.

Since the girls were with Hollis, I decided to take full advantage of the alone time and wallow in my misery about Hollis’s decision to not have another child. I retreated to my bed and was in full sobbing mode when Paul arrived home.

“Honey, what happened?” Paul sets his things down and joins me on the bed.

“Nothing happened. Everything’s fine. It’s just…” The words got stuck in my throat and I sobbed harder.

“What is it?” 

I sit up. “Hollis told me she doesn’t think she wants to have any more children.”

“Oh, honey. I’m sorry," Paul says, rubbing his forehead. "I know the timing is awful with me deciding I’m ready for a baby.”

“I know it’s her decision, but I really thought she would want one more at least.”

Paul puts his arm around me and rubs my back. “Well, she might not want more kids, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t have another.”

“I guess you’re right. I hadn’t really thought about that.”

“We could go a more traditional surrogate route, or we could adopt. We have options.”

For some reason, it hadn't occurred to me that we could do this without Hollis. “I guess we do. I’ll have to think more about it.”

“Whatever you decide, I’m behind you 100%. As long as we end up with a baby, I know we’ll both be happy.”

I kiss him on the cheek. “Thank you for bringing me back down to earth.”

“You’re allowed to feel upset about it. I just don’t want you to give up hope.”

“I won’t.” Now that we've talked about it, I'm feeling a bit better about the whole situation. We'll still have to decide on what route we want to take, but having a baby no longer feels impossible.

Hollis is over, and I decide it’s time to ask about her thoughts on having a baby.

“I don’t mean to pester you about this when you’re busy with wedding planning, but I do have a question.”

“What is it?”

“Well, with you getting married and all, where does a baby fit into the equation? I know we talked about it a while ago and you were open to it, but is that still the case?”

Hollis’s face drops. “About that. I’ve been meaning to talk to you and Paul.”

“That doesn’t sound good.”

“Look, Johnny, I know I said I was on board with having another baby someday, but I just don’t know if that’s what I want. Mercedes and I are happy with the way things are.”

It feels like my heart is dropping inside my chest. This isn’t the conversation I was expecting to have at all. I thought she may want to wait a while before having another kid, but not wanting to have one at all? “What made you change your mind?”

“Nothing in particular. I just want to enjoy my marriage. I already have two beautiful daughters, and I feel satisfied with that.”

I don’t know how to reply. I know she’s not doing anything wrong, but I’m still in my feelings about it. 

“Please don’t be mad at me.” I can tell by the look on her face that she feels really bad about the whole thing.

I sigh. “I’m not mad, I’m just…”

“Disappointed?”

“Yes, disappointed. But ultimately, it’s your choice.”

“I’m really sorry. I know you had your heart set on another baby.”

“It’s okay. You’re not obligated to have a baby if that’s not what you want.”

“I know, but I still feel bad.” 

I change the subject. There’s no point in dragging out the conversation any further. It’s not my place to change her mind, and I don’t really want to think about what this means for me and Paul. 

“How is Chantal doing?” Paul asks me after my meetup with my sister. 

“Great. She said she and Damien put their nursery together recently.”

“Oh, that’s good. They don’t have much time left before baby comes.”

“She’ll be here before we know it.”

“So, all of this talk about the baby lately has got me thinking about the girls when they were that small.” My heart skips a beat. I was planning on bringing up the idea of having another baby, but I was still nervous about how he might react. What if he still wasn’t ready?

“Yeah, me too. But you probably already knew that.”

“I did. I know you’ve been wanting another baby for a while.”

“I have.”

“Well, I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m finally ready for that, too.”

“A baby? Really?” I’m totally caught off guard. I thought we might discuss it and make a plan for the future at the most. I wasn’t expecting Paul to say he was ready now, but I sure am happy to hear those words. 

“Yes, really.”

I stand up and wrap him in my arms. 

“I can’t believe this! You just made my day!”

“Well, let’s not get too ahead of ourselves. I don’t know when it’ll actually happen, with Hollis planning a wedding at all. We might have to wait a bit longer.” 

Paul is right. It takes more than just the two of us to bring a child into the world, and we’d better make sure that Hollis is on board for another pregnancy.

“We might. I can ask her how she feels about it when I see her. At least then we’d know what to expect.”

“That sounds like a good plan. I’m excited.”

“Me, too.” 

Paul and I decided to go through an adoption agency that focused on LGBTQ+ parents. We met with the adoption agent to discuss the process.

“Are you set on adopting a baby, or are you open to other ages?” She asks.

“We prefer to have a baby, but we’re open to older kids as well.” I tell her.

“You know babies are in high demand. It can take longer if that’s the route you want to go.”

“Yes, that’s why we’re open to other options,” Paul explains.

The agent goes through more preferences, of which we don’t really have many. We’re just happy with the idea of having another kid.

“Do you think it will be weird having two children with an extra parent and one who just has us?” I ask Paul later.

“It will be different, but I think it’s fine that they’ll have two parents who love them.”

“Yeah, I just can’t help but think about how different this whole process will be. We may not be able to be there for the birth. Or we could end up with an older kid and miss out on a few years of their life.”

“You’re okay with that, right?”

“Yes. I’m just thinking.”

“You would tell me if you weren’t.” It almost sounds like more of a question than a statement.

“I mean, you know I want a baby. That’s what this whole thing was about. But I realize it might not happen the way we planned.”

“I know. I just want you to be happy.”

“I promise I won’t make a decision that I can’t be happy with.”

Visiting the adoption agency was just the beginning of what is going to be a long process. We also had to attend an orientation, attend 10 training sessions, go through background checks, and complete a home study.

The training was intensive but informative. It gave us a lot to think about regarding integrating a new family member into our home, such as the trauma the child goes through during the process. It made me think about my own upbringing and what it was like moving in with my dads when they were still just strangers to me.

The home study was a lot to deal with as well. We had to go through several visits with the agent where they gathered all sorts of information about us–our finances, our backgrounds, why we were looking to adopt, etc. It felt a little invasive at times, but I understood why it was part of the process.

Now that our application has been completed and the home study is finished, all there’s left to do is wait.

“I talked to your dads today,” Paul tells me one afternoon.

“Oh, really? How’d it go?” I hadn’t told Paul that I asked my dads to talk to him, so I’m hoping he’s okay that I did.

“Pretty good. You’re really worried about me, aren’t you?”

“I guess so,” I admit. 

“I promise I can handle this,” he assures me.

“It’s not that I think you can’t handle it,” I say. “I just don't want it to be too big of an adjustment for you.”

“I think I’m as prepared as I can be right now. Besides, we don’t even know if we’re going to end up with an older kid.”

“That’s true. I guess we don’t know how things will turn out.” I do have the habit of worrying about things before I need to, so I can see where Paul is coming from.

“I think that’s what’s worrying you. You’ve been so excited about having another kid, and it’s hitting you that it might not be all sunshine and rainbows.”

“Maybe so. I just know how it feels from the other side.”

“I know, and I don’t want to minimize what you’ve been through in any way. I just don’t want you to get too anxious when we don’t even know yet what we’ll be dealing with.”

“I’ll try not to dwell on it,” I promise. “Oh, I forgot to tell you. Hollis asked me to walk her down the aisle.”

“Really? That’s sweet.”

“Yeah, I’m glad I can be there for her that way. I know what it’s like to not have a parent come to your wedding.”

“Poor Hollis. That must not be easy. She’s lucky to have a friend like you, though.”