Warnings: Like...one singular kinda panic attack? But it's not that bad.

▶ Rainy Days and Sick Days Always Get Me Down

You had everything planned out!

Okay...no. That was a lie. You had it imagined. Rehearsed and pictured in your head in the way you tend to do when something mattered a little too much to you. Your therapist said you should work on that, but that's for another day.

One of your favorite singers was going to perform near your area. Just a few hours away by bus. And you decided it would make a nice date: a music festival with TK.

They liked music. You liked them. That felt like a good enough reason to make plans. It'd be loud, bright, alive! All the good vibes.

You hadn't felt safe calling anything a date in a long time. You were just learning how to walk through it again. Learning how to be normal about it. Learning how to not get too attached or scared too fast. Learning how to not ruin it by caring too much or suddenly pushing them away.

TK agreed to go. That alone fueled your excitement.

Then, they got sick...

Hey got sick. Can't go. Sorry. :/

You sat up, rereading it.

Aw :( Its not fun to go alone.

The typing bubble appeared almost instantly.

Find someone else. It’s okay.

But you definitely did not find someone else. Not like there were many people you knew that would want to go to a loud and crowded music festival with you.

For TK, on the other hand, it was easy to convince them. It was a date, after all. Those were technically magic words for getting them to go places.

That thought alone made you pause. You could...help them maybe? But how...?

So instead of getting on that bus, you knocked on the door of TK’s apartment. A bag of food in tupperware in hand, still warm but quickly losing heat to the cold night air.

"Y/N?" They opened the door and immediately coughed into their sleeve. "Aren't you supposed to be at that—"

Another cough made them give up the rest of the sentence.

You noticed the layers of clothes they had on. Every now and then they shivered. Sure, the night was cold, but it wasn't that cold. They looked like they were stuck in the middle of winter."

"The schedule got cancelled," you said quickly. "So I guess I'm stuck here. Thought I’d swing by and…see if you felt like hanging out?" You held up the bag.

They hesitated in the doorway, looking at you and the food.

"I don’t want you getting sick."

"I'll live," you said with a shrug, already stepping past them so they could close the door.

"Wh—Y/N!"

You ignored it.

"I made soup! I remember it helped when I was sick as a kid. I think I made it right?" You glanced back. “And I swear it doesn’t taste like shit—"

"Y/N!" Their tone sharpened. "You can't just barge into my place and do…whatever this is." They gestured vaguely.

You felt offended by their words. "I'm just trying to take care of you.” You set the soup down. "I just want to be a good partner."

They sighed and pinched the bridge of their nose, like even dealing with you was exhausting.

"You are. It's just…sometimes it feels like when you have nothing to do, you…come to me. I'm tired. I'm sick. I can't…deal with this right now."

They sat down on the bed and immediately laid back, exhausted. You felt something in your chest.

When you have nothing to do, you just come to me.

Why did that feel so familiar?

You swallowed. Fuck. Were you doing what he used to do to you? Showing up. Inserting yourself. Giving your form of "care" are whether the other person asked for it or not.

You'd promised yourself you would never repeat that. Never sound like that. Never make someone feel trapped in a loop the way you had been trapped.

You clenched your fists as memories came. Locked doors, dark rooms, and blocked windows, voices that said it was "love," hands that refused to let go. The thought alone made your skin crawl.

TK noticed the sudden silence. They slowly turned their head toward you.

You stood awkwardly before speaking up, "I-I'm sorry." you blurted. "I didn't actually want to bother you. I was just worried. I wanted to bring you food in case you didn't eat yet."

They opened their mouth but you rushed ahead.

"I'll go. Wouldn't want to get sick too. Sorry. Sorry—"

Stupid. Stupid.

You fumbled with the doorknob and left.

You walked back into the cold night, staying under the streetlights. Always near the sidewalk. Always where someone could see you.

Buzz. You fished your cellphone from your pocket. TK.

Hey. Did I upset you?

You stared at the screen longer than necessary before answering. Your thumb hovered over the keypad.

Nah. had to leave. forgot to lock my door.

A lie.

didnt feel like it

You hesitated, and didn't respond. Another message came.

Can we talk?

On call?

You asked. The answer came quickly.

No.come back? Its dark out.

You tried to soften it, make it seem like a joke.

I can handle myself >:0

There was a long pause and so you thought the conversation was done. Then, another message came through.

You hate walking this late

As if that alone should be enough to convince you.

But you did stopped walking.

The streetlight above flickered and hummed softly—you looked up. Fuck that creepy stuff, you thought. After a long moment, you turned around and went back toward their apartment building.

TK was barely moving when you came in again, buried in blankets like they were freezing. Coughing hard enough to shake their ribs.

You sat quietly for a while before grabbing the soup.

"TK. Hey." You shook their ankle. Slowly, one eye cracked open, tired and half-focused, before settling on you. "Sit up. Eat."

"I already ate," they mumbled.

"You need something warm." You held the tupperware closer. It cooled a bit since you brought it earlier. You stirred it slightly with the hope that it would help. Every sniffle and cough from them made you glance back with more worry.

When they finally sat up, They squinted at the spoon, eyeing you suspiciously. "You made this?"

You looked at it then back at TK, trying to sound casual. "I didn't invent it. My mom used to make me eat this when I was sick. I just… tried to remake it with what I could afford. Don’t judge."

Finally, they leaned forward and accepted the spoon. You fed them slowly, careful not to spill. After a few bites, they reached up and tried to take the container from you.

"Can't I do something for you for once?" you asked, pulling it back before they could grab it. You didn't realize. You couldn't catch yourself that time.

"You already did," they muttered. "You made edible soup."

Silence. Then another bad cough made you pause until it passed. You should have said sorry, but they were probably tired of your apologies. So, you gave another spoonful and they accepted it.

"So…" they said casually, as if what followed wasn't a loaded question at all, "why did you actually run off earlier?"

Your eyes became fixed on the swirling soup. "I felt bad for being overbearing. It…reminded me of some shitty things."

They nodded once. "Ah."

You gave another spoonful.

"You like this, don't you?" You muttered under your breath."

"It's weird," they answered you after a second. "But… it’s from you, so I don't mind."

You smiled more than you meant to."I think it's pretty relaxing. I could imagine us living together," you said quietly. "Taking care of each other."

Your words hit you all at once and you flinched at the way it sounded. Desperate. Too much. Abort! Abort!

"Sorry,” you blurted. "I'm doing it again. Being clingy."

You, then, caught a smirk tugging at the corner of their lips. They propped their head up on one hand, eyes half-lidded in amusement. You felt a surge of irritation at them.

Oh, here we go...

"Six months in and you're already planning marriage?"

Ahahah...What the hell—

"Shut up and eat, asshole." You said, pushing the spoon toward their mouth. But, it was obvious you were as red as a cherry.

They chewed, then swallowed. "So… you’re not going to even deny it?"

"Aren't you? You should relax, I'm not proposing anytime soon." You teased back.

TK rolled their eyes, "How heartbreaking."

You felt them taking the almost empty soup container and placing it aside. "You should stop babysitting me. I'm fine," they said. Then, they leaned their head against your shoulder. Their forehead was warm.

You let yourself breathe. It was okay. Everything was okay. You were okay. Just focus on being...okay.

"Alright," you said, pushing them off gently. "Sleep. You'll get better quicker."

"Mhm. Okay, mom."

"Stop it." You smacked their arm and they only laughed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can you tell I enjoyed making this? I made the art first and just made up a story with it. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

The title was inspired by the song Rainy Days and Mondays by the Carpenters.

Warnings: Panic attacks, hallucinations, implications of abuse/trauma

We good now? Can we start the story? Okay.

▶ After Today...

"So...still avoiding your sessions, I see?"

The therapist studied you over the rim of her glasses, pen tapping once against her clipboard.

You let out a small, nervous laugh as you felt the heat in the room build up like an oven. It had been well over a month or so since you had visited your therapist. As expected, she looked at you with a skeptical eyes and a frown as she waited for you to finally speak.

“I haven’t been avoiding them,” you said weakly. Unconvincing. “I’ve just… been busy.”

Her eyebrow twitched, “Busy doing what?”

You opened your mouth, yet, you couldn't bring yourself to say anything to her.

Could you blame yourself?

It was exhausting. Having to drag yourself here every week just to sit in a chair and talk about… what? Feelings? Your life wasn't a grocery list. You didn’t trust her. You barely knew her! And she wanted you to open everything up like it was some neat little present.

As if it worked like that...

Even though… yeah...you knew this was what you were supposed to do.

You took a breath through your nose. In. Out. Do that therapy coping mechanism thing. Whatever that meant nowadays.

Because it was getting bad.

TK had to drag you here because of your obvious signs of not being able to function through the day. The nights were worse. Sometimes you'd just be lying there, staring at the window like a hawk, waiting for him again. Even if he'd never show up.

Never.

Never again.

But, you were never convinced.

Everyone kept saying you should leave that apartment.

It's bad for you.

It’s unhealthy.

Even your landlord had opinions.

“Kid, that place is messin’ with your head.”

“End of the month, you better pack up. I don’t need another freak doing weird shit in my building.”

Still, Don never actually kicked you out. Maybe he pitied you. Maybe he didn’t want the paperwork. Either way, you somehow stayed longer than you expected.

There were nights when you broke down crying in that apartment. In that same stupid room. Because even if the horrid smell was gone, it still felt like Lucy. Her young and reckless energy never really left.

You remember those crazed rants she'd tell you about energy and planets and space. You thought she was just going through stuff and this was her way to cope. But, now, you really want to believe that energy shit. That some part of her lingered here. Just to feel that she never left you so suddenly.

Your therapist cut you off your stream of thoughts, “You still live in the same apartment,” she continued. “Have you considered relocating?”

What? That's a little bit if a personal question, ain't it?

"I don't know? I really don't have anywhere else to go. That place is what I can afford." You tried to explain.

“Or,” she said in suggestion, “you’re staying because it keeps you anchored to a past that you felt comfortable in.”

Your jaw tightened. “That’s not— I just don’t have anywhere else to go.”

She hummed, you couldn't tell if she was affirming what you believed in but she had wrote something down on the papers laid on her lap. God, this is the worse part, when they judge you.

You looked around the room. It was all too organized and clean. Sterile. As if this lady was here to dissect you literally instead of psychologically.

“Your social life. You told me last time you only speak to one person consistently. Has that changed?”

You nodded. A lie, just so she would shut up about it. But, in reality, you had no commitment to suddenly make new friends in new places. There was always that fifty percent chance that they were a psycho too. At least that's what you thought.

“Do these new connections feel safe to you?” She continued. You shrugged to make up for your lie.

She didn't seem to like that answer because she sighed and scribbled on her fancy papers again. What else were you meant to say?

She commented quietly. “You’re not giving me much to work with.”

Because you don’t feel safe, you wanted to say. Because people lie. Because monsters can look like normal people. Hiding in plain sight. You learned that the hard way.

You stood up from the chair, "I think I'm done here." Grabbed your bag and almost walked out the door. Almost.

“That isn’t how this works, Mx. L/N,” she interrupted sharply. “You’ve already skipped multiple appointments. Healing requires your participation.”

You stared at her. "So?"

“So, you will not be leaving thirty minutes early.” Her pale hand gestured toward the chair like it was a command. You glanced at it. Then at her.

With a harsh huff, you sat back down with a slight bounce.

Great. Round two.

She started over. The same questions. The same phrasing. As if repetition alone would crack you open. Maybe she hoped you’d be more honest this time around.

Sometimes you were.

Sometimes you were just too tired to lie.

The back-and-forth dragged on and on which felt like forever, until she finally stopped writing and looked up at you. She leaned forward slightly.

“Y/N,” she said in a softer tone than she had given initially. “I want to help you. But I can’t do that if I don’t know what’s going on in your head. You won’t feel better if you don’t talk to me. Help me help you.”

You almost laughed.

Help me help you.

If you had a dollar for every time someone said that, you wouldn’t need therapy. Why did everyone think you were a broken vase? Why did everyone think they had to fix you? Piece by itty bitty piece.

You weren’t a child. You weren’t helpless.

Fuck them.

You looked at the clock on the wall. It's been fifty minutes. That's it. You were done for today. Your therapist saw your eagerness to leave and leaned back with crossed arms.

Judgment. It was clear as day. She didn’t like that you were avoiding these issues she thought you had.

So what?

This place was suffocating.

You stood up and left the room before she could say anything else. The fluorescent lights felt like they were burning into your skull and when you stepped into the hallway, the dim, dusty air felt better than whatever was in that office. You breathed it in like it was freedom.

Before leaving the building, you stopped at the restroom.

It was empty. Quiet. Too quiet. But you didn’t mind. Sharing the restroom with strangers always made your skin crawl.

You finished quickly.

Then, you heard a stall door beside you open and shut. A sigh escaped you. So much for being alone.

You left the stall, and no one was there. Didn't even wash their hands. Gross.

You went to the sink anyway, scrubbing your hands under the cold water. The chill made you shiver, but not all of it was from the water.

You shut off the faucet and flicked the water from your fingers, eyes drifting around the room. What could be making you feel so off?

You haven't felt this since—

"Oh, Y/N, I’ve been waiting so, so...patiently.”

No. No. No.

Your entire body felt cold. Or maybe the room was cold. You couldn't remember.

The space felt small. The air felt heavy. Breathe. You tried to remind yourself, but it felt like cotton filled up your lungs. Your heart pounded so hard it hurt, ribs aching like it might crack open.

It couldn't be. There were no footsteps. No warning. Just him. Getting too close.

His voice slid into your ears like oil. "You thought a few walls with bars was going to keep me away?"

His tall figure only crept closer and you moved back until you inevitably hit the wall. Fuck. His shadow hovered over you, both his arms caging you in.

"Really thought you could run from me? That you could just move on? Without me? I missed you too much for that." The heat of his breath and body radiates into your skin. His suffocating scent, the imperfections of his face through his wide, sharp grin were all there. All the details you never wanted to see again.

You opened your mouth "leave me alone," was what you would've said, but only a squeak of air came out.

Peter’s smile tried to soften. Tried to look kind. Whatever that meant to him.

To you, it was worse. It was always worse. Always meant something was expected of you.

“Are you happy to see me, love?” he murmured. “Your heart’s racing… you’re shaking…”

You hadn’t noticed your breathing until your chest started to burned. Inhaling came too fast, too shallow, like your chest had forgotten how to open all the way. Sweat dotted along your forehead. Your vision was filled with tears, his figure blurred at the edges.

What else could you do?

You squeezed your eyes shut. Nails almost scratched on the walls of the restroom. He's not here.

He's not here...

Get that in your head.

"One. Two. Three..." You started counting in spite of you being out of breath and in tears. Your voice was shaky and vulnerable. You felt a sort of phantom touch all around you. In places too painfully familiar.

A gentle, creeping touch was on your arms, your neck, your waist. On all the places your body remembered even when your mind didn’t want to.

Memories flashed through your mind. So bright and so vivid that you clutched at your hair like you could tear the memories out by the roots. Stop it from all flooding in.

It took five minutes to get yourself together.

Five minutes.

You walked down the hall, gripping the strap of your bag like it could hold you up. Act normal. Just like nothing happened. You did, at least in the eyes of any ignorant person who glanced at you.

TK was supposed to be waiting in the parking lot, making sure you didn’t skip out early. But in the moment the doors closed behind you, they weren’t there.

Your heart picked up. Faster. Harder. You rushed down the stairs, eyes darting between each of the vehicles. Where the hell were they? They said they'd be right there.

What if something happened?

What if that vision wasn't for nothing?

“Y/N?” The voice made you flinch. Your head snapped around. Thank fucking God.

They're okay. A quiet thought came through...

“You said you’d be over there—” You frowned, pointing at a part of the lot as if you were scolding them for not meeting your expectations.

“I said I’d be around here. I never said I'd be at a specific spot.” TK's hands gestured vaguely before looking at you carefully. “Are you alright? You’re… ten...fifteen minutes later than I expected.”

You shook your head.

“I’m fine. Just had… more to talk about with my therapist.” A new lie.

Really on a roll with your bluffs today, huh?

You slipped into the passenger seat, hoping the action alone would end the conversation. Maybe they'd get the message that you weren't in a sharing mood at the moment.

They followed you and went to the driver's seat, but there was the largest pause between them getting in and starting the car. They clearly didn’t look convinced at your excuse. Their grip on the steering wheel tightened just a little then loosened.

“So… you’ll actually go next week?”

You shrugged, staring out the window. “Yeah. Probably.”

“Probably?” TK glanced at you then back at whatever was in front of them. “That doesn’t sound like a yes.”

“It was a yes,” you said quickly. Too quickly. “I just...you know how it is...today was… a lot. Is all.”

“A lot how?” they asked, trying to sound softer through the exasperation from your stubbornness.

You forced a laugh. “Therapy stuff. You know. Feelings. Talking. The usual torture.”

They didn’t laugh back.

“You were gone longer than usual,” TK said, like they were trying to make sense of things themselves. “And you looked like you saw a ghost when you came out.”

“I didn’t,” you replied. Great job. Now it definitely seemed like you saw something.

TK exhaled through their nose. They clearly didn’t buy whatever you were saying. But, they seemed to drop it for now.

“So you’ll go next week?” they tried again.

You nodded. “Yeah. I will.”

And it was the cleanest lie you’d told all day.

“Alright,” TK said. You couldn't see the emotion behind their tone. “I'm driving you again next time."

You hummed, leaned your head against the window, and watched the streets blur past.

Whether you actually agree to go next week?

You couldn’t say.

Not after today.

Warning: none

▶ Memories at Midnight

It wasn't often that TK looked excited about anything. They liked things, had preferences, but you've never seen them get restless over something. It was even the kind where they kept glancing at you like they were so sure that you'd love it.

That was very new.

Apparently, they had something important planned.

You tried to paid attention when TK talked about their life. They weren't secretive per se, if anything, they were bluntly honest.

But, they didn't usually talk about themselves unless it mattered to the moment. So when they said they wanted to take you somewhere, you figured you must be doing something right. You must've earned this little piece of them.

It was strange to be the one to be dragged around this time. If anything, that was your job. You were the one pulling them into loud places and dumb experiences, convincing them to try things they wouldn't normally bother with.

Tonight, the roles were reversed.

Their hand held yours, warm and firm, as they tugged you along the boardwalk a bit quicker than you're used to. The wood beneath your feet creaked, the air was cool from the night breeze.

Weird scene for a date.

"I can't believe you've never been on a ferry before." They said, and you could hear the smile in their voice without even looking.

Guess they liked being the one to introduce you to something for once.

You scoffed. "I think the water park incident drove me away from water for a bit."

They stopped walking and turned to face you, backing up so they could still lead the way. "Well," they began, "no one's pushing you off here. I promise."

"I'd fucking hope not."

The ferry was ahead, dock lights reflecting off the dark surface of the water. It looked calming. Quiet. Empty. Scary.

You climbed the steps slowly, your grip tightening on TK's hand the higher you went. The moment you reached the top and saw nothing but black water stretching underneath the moon—you felt sick to your stomach.

TK came up behind you and nudged you forward by your shoulders. "Come on. You won't die here."

"Hey! Hey! Hey! I thought you said no pushing!"

They raised both hands in surrender, letting go of you. "Okay, fine. Be dramatic. Not my fault anymore."

The attitude only softened when they saw how stiff you were near the railing. Leaning forward to see your face. "Do you get seasick?"

You glared at them. "How would I know if I've never been on a boat?"

They hummed. "Fair." And this time, instead of pushing, they rubbed your back to soothe your nerves. Their own way of apology.

"Hey." They called out. "You don't look down. Look...here." You felt their hand gently raise your chin up until you looked straight forward at the lights of the city at the other side of the water.

Huh...

You didn't even realize the ferry had started moving until the dock lights drifted away. The swaying beneath your feet was subtle until it wasn't anymore.

"Sorry! I'm not having this!" You flaked out. Being near the railings was no longer safe in your mind and you immediately stayed close to the cabin wall, palms attached to the cool metal every time the boat swayed with the waves.

Even if this wasn't the view TK meant to show you, they stayed beside your little hiding spot anyway.

When you finally looked at them, they weren't watching the water. They weren't looking at the city lights. They were looking up.

The clouds dragged on across the sky, hiding most of the stars, but the moon still hung bright enough to see. You leaned forward from the wall to see what they were looking at. At a safe distance, of course.

"Our mom used to take me and my siblings on these rides when we were younger," they explained. "I don't even know why. But I kind of…got attached to it."

You snorted. "That's corny as hell."

They rolled their eyes. "Yeah, well. It stuck." TK's gaze drifted, like they were seeing something else. "I think I lost a tooth in the lake once. I cried the whole way home." A quiet laugh escaped them. "My mom spoiled me that day. Which…almost never happens."

"…That's actually cute," you admitted.

Then you looked back at the water. "So why'd you bring me here? Sounds like it was a family thing."

They stared at you like the question didn't make any sense. "Who said I can't share it with someone else?" they said quickly. "Besides…you're basically family to me."

They paused.

"Well, in a partner sense," they corrected themselves. "But also family—no, that doesn't sound right." They groaned. "I love you in both ways? No—shit—uh..."

They were talking themselves into a pit trying to make sense of what they wanted to say. At some point you were pretty sure they were just saying their thoughts aloud.

When you laughed, they stopped. "Thanks," you said. "I think."

Silence settled. The water splashed and rippled beneath the ferry, the wind brushed past your ears. The ferry ride was starting to feel a bit less uncomfortable and scary. Yeah, it was kind of relaxing. Romantic even.

"What about you?" TK asked out of the blue.

You blinked. "What about me?"

"I mean…what did you used to do with your family?"

"Curious about me so suddenly?" You gave a smile and bumped their shoulder. Now, you know why they brought you here. It just made a good segue to ask about you, didn't it?

TK shrugged like it was pretty obvious. "How could I not be? You never really talk about your past."

"You never asked."

"I asked just now."

You laughed, then let out thoughtful sound. "…I...existed." A dramatic hand gesture towards the horizon came with the reply.

They snorted. "That's not an answer."

"I mean, it kind of is." You shrugged half-heartedly. "We did normal stuff. Dinners. Holidays. Argued about the TV remote."

TK waited.

"Uhh...Oh! I've got an older brother," you added. "He was the overachiever type. Real ‘future framed on the wall' type of guy. I always thought he was cool though."

"You're the younger one. Makes sense." TK said as if it was some stunning revelation. They leaned on the wall, but you could see how they glanced back to see your reaction.

You crossed your arms, feigning offense. "Excuse you? Younger siblings are fun, unlike you."

"Yeah, you do your fun and I pick up after you. That's how it is."

"Puh!" You tapped the railing with your fingers, the huff through your nose was visible in the cold air. Being a little stupid, was always a little fun.

Continuing your story, "Anyway...when I finished college, that's when I dipped. And, boom, here I am! Stranded in this town with you."

TK studied what you said, waited for more. None came. "So, that's it? You lived there, grew up, and left?"

"Well, not...exactly? My brother texts me sometimes. I get postcards. So, we keep in touch. I never told them about... certain stuff, though." You looked away.

You added quickly, a bit more honest, "They were never bad to me, but, y'know, at some point I felt like I didn't belong there and I just wanted to do my own thing."

"So, no family place?" TK asked, nudging the conversation back to what they were initially curious about. A more...light topic.

"Best place closest to that is was the movie theater, I guess? Nothing like watching movies on the loudest volume and nobody minds."

They hummed. Guess they pieced together why you liked suggesting watching a movie with them when you had no creative ideas for a date. A fine enough answer though.

"Sooo, this was a pretty good plan, right?" TK took a step closer.

"It's nice."

"Mm. I meant how I eased you in before asking about your family."

"Aah, I knew it. I fucking knew it! You planned this!" You jabbed a finger at their chest. Both happy and pissed off that your intuition was right.

"On the bright side, you got to ride a ferry."

"I hate you."

"Aw. How sweet—"

You took the collar of their jacket and kissed them before they could finish.

"Next time you pull something like that," you said, shoving them away playfully, "I won't be so generous." They just laughed you off.

Though they relented to your threat, you caught a bit of a smile that lingered too long. There were plans behind that stupid smile.

This was going to be a long night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Busy busy week. I've also got an overload of fic ideas that I can't figure out what to write first and how to write em.

But I got this idea from a YouTube video that talked about the psychology of the order of children in a family. Hence, a reason why I made Y/N a younger sibling. Cuz...uh...they give that vibe in the game kinda when they interact with TK.

This was merely a self indulgence fic that I decided to send inspired by all the scenes of stuff I watch.

Also no fanart today sorries!