#tipsyfox

Now I think I lie to her to buy me sometime to fix my adult mess ups, to try and be an adult. I'm kinda stubborn and hard headed, and think I need to do this on my own, and sometimes, it makes me upset if I have to ask for help. So I don't tell mom I can't pay it, I'll pay it next week, cuz to me, I'm telling her I'm not good enough to do it right now.  I never feel good enough for my parents anymore... I'm gay, I dropped out of college, working a dead end job, no car, and it looks like, to them, that on my days off I do nothing productive.

So, I fucked up bad, and lied to her, now I broke her trust, again, and she's really hurt, mad, and disappointed in me. Truth be told, I don't know why I didn't call when I was s'posed to and just pay the bills. But I'm so tired of being under her thumb. Always asking if I did this and did that, when I;m going to do that and why my room isn't cleaned. So maybe, when I visit Trish this weekend, I can start putting this plan into motion of getting out, since mom said "you can get the fuck out. I don't wanna see you live this way."

I don't do drugs, I hardly drink anymore, and I'm keeping this shitty job. I'm not happy living this way. She thanks I'm satisfied but I'm not, but because she doesn't see me moving mountains, I'm settling. Who the fuck would settle in some shit hole when I could live up north with/near my girlfriend? When I can get out and start learning to be an adult? No, I"m not happy, and I won't be happy with my life until I can get paid for having a pencil in my hand. Until I can wake up every morning next to Trish. When I can say "This is my life. I created a life for my own."