#tinytinyhands

You give in too quick.

At the bat of an eye,

The catch of a stare.

You fall so easily.

Slow down.

You have plenty of time.

Your eyes flickered something familiar.

I am entranced.

I heard your warnings loud and clear You told me over and over "No expectations” “I’m no good”

But you would kiss me in a way I couldn’t fight

The lips that I had dreamt about at seventeen finally met mine

And you tell me that you have wanted me this whole time?

I call bullshit but I let it slide.

And how was I supposed to real myself back from that

I couldn’t help the way you effect me And my god, did you effect me

You had me questioning everything You had me.

I tried to push past that

Talk to others

Drink until my lips couldn’t remember how to form your name

But I couldn’t drink away the feeling of your lips on my neck

On my collar bones

The feel of your face pressed against mine

All those nights as the sun rose and we sat unaware

Drunk in a dark room listening to music and talking about life and I could feel my soul glowing

I tried to hold it back as much as I could

I played falling in love drinking games with myself

“Take a shot every time you have a cringe-y thought”

Those nights I refused to look at you because I knew my glance would give it away I am drowning in infatuation

All the nights you asked me to stay and spend the night

To lay in bed with you

You said you just wanted to wake up to my curls beside you and when I finally spent the night after a fucking month

When I finally woke up next to you i think it was me who was in awe

Your body next to my body

The way the sun crept through the window

The way it painted your bedroom and I purposefully turned off my alarms because I wanted to make it last a little bit longer

And when you asked me if I loved you yesterday for the second time, I couldn’t say anything

I asked why you wanted to know..

You told me that you already knew.

And I was screaming internally

How could you?

My mind was racing and all I could think about was

did you see it in my eyes?

I didn’t want you to know

Good god

I don't want you to know

But I never said a word

You changed the subject

I am trying my hardest to keep this to myself because you’ve warned me

I told you I wouldn’t fall

“I don’t do feelings”

you told me you wouldn’t let yourself

But how can I not fall for you when everything you do is like music that’s bringing me back to the part of myself that I had lost and had been so desperately trying to unlock again

How can I not fall for you when I see you talk about the things you love like it’s the only god damn thing that matters and your passions are my passions and my soul is taking screenshots and saving them for later for when I have no inspiration at all

You brought back my urge to write

I thought I lost that when I lost my faith in god and my health deteriorated and my marriage fell apart but you

You have me praying again

You have me studying every religion because I want to find whatever made you and personally thank them

And you told me one night that you loved me when you were drunk. “I love you, in my own way”

You told me beautiful things I doubt you remember and I hold on to them for my own sake because when things get too hard and I feel like I’m losing every battle I am fighting, I remember that there’s a part of you that cares. It may take half a bottle of whiskey to get too. But it’s in there.

And you are like the ocean

Constantly coming in waves

One week you’re pushing me away but I spend that weekend with your family and you at your house.

You are the definition of mystery

We get drunk and you tell me that I am worthy of worship.

But don’t be confused. I do not love you because of the things you say to me.

I love you because I see your soul.

I see that damage.

I see those fucked up parts of you that you apologize for in the morning.

I see the things that you try not to let slip out and they do.

I can see that sometimes you are mortified and others you don’t fucking care but it isn’t always pretty with you and I don’t want it to be.

The ramblings of a man who is trying to be better the best he can.

I love you because when you turn on a song I can feel you connect with it.

The way that every song you play for me has a story and you feel things so fucking deeply.

I love you for the way you speak.

The way that you create.

The way that you hold your glass of whiskey.

Around you, I say very little.

I feel the most human. The most vulnerable.

I have never been a woman of few words but now I find myself trying to keep my remarks slow because if I get lost in my head and let myself speak without filter I’m afraid that my mind will trail off into these words and I don’t want to ruin whatever the fuck we have going because it is confusing and lovely and you’re fascinating and I have never felt so many things at once.

Last week I wanted answers.

I don’t know that I need them anymore.

I will learn as I go.

Trail and error.

But I can’t get over the way you say my middle name like it was born on your lips.

“I’m no good..”

You kiss me.

“But I’m not that bad either.”

I am owned by no one I long to owe no one nothing My heart aches for endless adventure A life spent going wherever my soul feels a pull A life of- “what city is this?” breakfast for dinner staying up talking to the moon concerts and festivals and green tea and whiskey a life of “hold on, take my picture!” a life of wandering and joy and learning a life of loving a life of feeding my soul what it needs

I don’t know how to stay anywhere too long and my heart belongs to the road and my art but if I can find a soul that finds happiness in my passenger seat, I’ll let them stay there.

I am the definition of “fucking try to catch me”

I used to fall for people all the time. The stranger in the grocery store with kind eyes who helped me get something off the top shelf. The boy in a band with the epiphone. The girl with the purple hair at sephora swatching lipstick on her hand

Everyone wants that 2am love- That posted up on a rainy day watching Disney movies love- That hair in a mess and no makeup love- That “he burnt the toast but I still ate it” love-

We dream of people knowing us as the stranger they momentarily fell for in the grocery store, at the concert, at the park, at the beach We dream of being the one that stories are told about

“I met this girl…” “I saw this boy….”

But what about when you catch yourself in the mirror

And you are satisfied

What if instead of falling for others you fall for your own eyes

Instead of waiting for that someone to trace their fingers on your curves, you trace your own

There is a purity in sitting alone at 4am, watching YouTube videos, drunk and alone on a Wednesday night

There is serenity in good conversations with yourself in the car

The freedom of listening to the same song over and over and you know every word, and no one is there to tell you that they don’t want to listen to that song anymore

I still fall for people, not as often Lately I’m infatuated with myself As much as I fall for others they have to offer me better company than I provide for myself."

“And I will go anywhere you go if you lead Call my name Show me where you bleed Eyes closed or open Blind folded trust I care not for the temporary All in this world will in time rust Expose your soul Let down your guard I crave to witness truth With gypsy heart and muddied blood I pledge myself to you”