#tinabodina

I was somebody who had a sense of purpose, not a simple goal or ambition, but a person, someone I wanted to show up for, protect, grow with, someone whose existence gave weight to time itself.  after all, is in the alleviation of suffering: "both the suffering of not acknowledging our neighbor's pain and the pain of the neighbor who is also suffering. "

It's just that without you, the world has not collapsed it's worse than that, it simply goes on. The sun will still rise, people will keep laughing, cities will keep breathing while I wander through it as a ghost who is burdened with memories heavier than his own body.

Days blur into each other, not painful enough to scream or merciful enough to end. it's all in my head, all in my mind, i keep looking at the mirror asking myself what is happening to me?? did really one person cause all of this? but then again i say, it's all in my head, all in my mind.

Its not loud that's the worst part. It's quiet, very methodical, like something inside me is aware of the exact spot where it can make the cut without getting noticed. I am running through my days like a machine, talking, breathing, while something underneath the surface is constantly tearing me apart, piece by piece.

I feel it all the time this weight on my chest, this pain that does not have a climax, does not get solved, just keeps spreading. Like I am bleeding from a place where no one can reach, losing parts of me so slowly that neither other people nor I realize this.

I am not falling down, I'm rotting. Each memory tears the wound open again and every thought pulls it even wider. I am trying to keep my mind off it, yet the suffering is there always gnawing at me, it's patient and ruthless, it's stealthily sucking the life out of me while I am acting as if I am just fine.

I can laugh, I answer when someone speaks to me, but deeply at the very core, I am splitting bit by bit, watching as I emotionally waste away wondering how much of me can be missing before there is nothing left to move forward.

I'm not running after a future anymore rather I'm facing up to this present time. All that I am involved in now seems like a mere practice for a life that I was permitted to live but never will. it is because the part of me that knew where home was is no more.

Life with you was a giving of love so that my life had a meaning and losing you was not just the taking you away from me only but it was also the taking away of the me who knew why he was here.