#tima writes

When writing, it feels like the world has stopped and nobody else is listening to or looking at you anymore. The things you write are secrets you can share with no one but your pencil and a piece of paper. It’s a secret nobody can hold against you or let you feel bad for. it’s a secret you’ll never have to worry about seeing the light of the day when you don’t want it to. The secrets are fears and worries you can let out without having to worry or hesitate before writing down. a piece of paper could never betray someone.

One of your love languages is writing letters to the people you adore and appreciate. It’s easier to write down the stuff you want them to know without oversharing. You don’t have to worry about stuttering or saying something you would want to erase the second it left your lips. It’s always been easier to portray feelings through paper and it made you happier, too. Experimenting with words and synonyms, getting creative in using metaphors helped you for school- it could only be seen as a win!

You'd only ever tell close people how happy you felt with writing and reading, since it could be used against you. Sharing something so beautiful and personal is not for everyone to know, and you're happy you got friends that support your love towards it.

And Jungwon, your best friend, knows about it too. Jungwon knows about the comfort you seek in the letters written across an old page in a 100 year old book. He knows that you spent your day writing stories, escaping into a world only you can understand and would love to explain. Experimenting with concepts, your ideas and getting inspired by everything you see. He knows that when you two walk to school together in the morning or are on your way to the cafe that opened three months ago, your head is drowning in clouds of new ideas you’d write down right after arriving home. He also knows that with the way you’re walking towards him in the school’s hallway, letter in your hand, you spent your night writing a letter to motivate him for the upcoming week. He knows you probably sat at your desk for hours and wrote down all the happy memories you’ve made with each other and he also knows that you’ve spent minutes searching through different shades of blue to find his favorite and write his name down in the same color. She also might have gone through her whole closet to find a white envelope and stick some stickers on it, he thinks after you hold up the envelope in front of his face, a big grin on yours.

Your eyes shine as you see the smile on his face grow, his dimples showing.

You shake your head quickly and stretch out your hands to take his in yours. His hands feel cold in yours and you prevent yourself from asking him if he put on gloves on the way to school or left without them, again. He probably left them at home and would tell you Jay took them because he lost them.

“What 's this?” He takes the letter from you and eyes it slowly, turning it around and looking back at you. His fingers start ripping it open slowly, and your eyes widen.

What you don’t notice is how his smile falters and his eyes widen at the feeling of your warm hands on his cold ones, making his heartbeat speed up as you stare into his eyes with your wide ones.

“Don’t open it now! It has that one embarrassing pic of us and I don’t want anyone to see,” you explain in a rushed whisper, letting go of his hands.

“I thought you’d never let anyone see it.” He nudges your shoulder, a smirk now on his face. You roll your eyes and start walking besides him to your next class.

“Yes, but you’re an exception,” you whisper at him as Sunoo makes his way to you two. Once again, you don’t notice the blush coating his cheeks and the raised eyebrow Sunoo shoots at him after giving you a side hug, Jungwon a high five. You can feel your own face heat up, though, and decide to cover it up with a cough.

Why is it suddenly so weird between you two? Or more like, the things you say and do. It never was like this. You two got to know each other when you were still younger kids, 13 years old. Your mutual friend, Sunoo, introduced you to each other one day. You and Sunoo are neighbors and spend most of your time at each other’s house. One day, when you decided to visit him spontaneously after his mom approved of it, you walked into his room and instead of finding him sitting at his desk painting, like he’d usually do, you found him sitting on his floor building a lego set with Jungwon laying on his stomach next to him, an instructions book set in front of the two young boys. You frowned and asked who he was, which is how Sunoo introduced you. You remember having spent the rest of the day there with him and your new friend. And years later you three are still unbreakable best friends.

Jungwon and you used to joke around like this with each other, always. Calling each other special or an exception. You were loud with each other, always laughing and talking letting everyone know you were telling jokes left and right. How is it any different from what you said now? When did you two start feeling this way?

There had to be something that shifted between the two of you. Of course, people grow up. You’re still kids, but not the same you used to be. Feelings are more relevant now. There are secrets you keep from each other now. There’s stuff you’d rather share with others or even no one. But why is it that everytime your fingers brush against each other, it’s not normal anymore. It doesn’t feel like it used to. It feels like so much more, making you stay up at night and read into it. Did his fingers brush yours because he wanted them to touch? Has Jungwon always had an arm around you when walking home, or did he just start doing it? All these questions were being asked every night before falling asleep.

The feeling is so weird. Like a firework exploding everytime he gazed into your eyes with his, it made you feel so safe. He felt like home, like someone you could trust with your whole life. He’s the type of friend you’d go to whatever it is, whatever you want to ask. But who should you go to and talk about your feelings, when it’s Jungwon you’re feeling this way about? He’s the one that makes your face heat up when he jokes about something you’re afraid of, or holding your hands when he notices yours being cold. It doesn’t really help since his is cold, too, but it definitely makes you feel loved and safe. And he knows that, which is why he continues doing that.

And maybe, he felt this way too. When your hair brushes against his nose when you’re hugging, he can smell your shampoo and it makes his face go red because he realizes how close you are. He notices all the small things about you. He’s observant, that you already know, but never would you have guessed how observant he actually is. He noticed the way your face scrunches up when you’re focusing in class. Or the angry face you make when you’re searching for your pencil case at school, knowing Ni-ki hid it somewhere in the library and is trying not to laugh. He knows that you play with your fingers when you’re nervous, or bite your lip to try to calm yourself down.

Are those platonic feelings, he asks himself. Do the others feel about you the same way? The thought makes him kinda angry, and that’s how he knows it’s probably not platonic anymore. The idea of someone else feeling and thinking about you this way makes him feel uneasy and weird. Why would Jungwon, your best friend, be angry and pissed at his best friends feeling the same way he feels about you, though. Simple, it’s more than just being friends. And he hopes, deep down, that you may feel the same way.

After your last lesson, you decide to walk home with Yuna. Sunoo and Jungwon had to stay in school longer, talking about “working on a project” when you know they’d probably just end up joking around and not getting anything done.

“So, what did you give Jungwon this morning?” Yuna asks. Your head snaps to her, staring at her through wide eyes.

“What? I didn’t give him anything,” you mumble and try to prevent your face from growing a smile at the mention of your best friend.

“Oh, come on! Everyone knows you love writing. It’s not that hard to realize you give him letters. Besides, I literally saw you two last week and today in front of his locker again!” she notes. You roll your eyes and shrug.

“What? Am I not allowed to send him letters?” Your friend gives you a look and scoffs.

“Yeah, but you look like a girlfriend and boyfriend exchanging smiles and hugs every morning.” Your eyes widen and you try to hide your lips twitching into a smile by chewing on them and turning your face away from her.

“But we’re not,” you whisper.

“Everyone can see the heart eyes you make at each other. You should see his face when you wave at him after he stared at your face in class! He always looks like a tomato,” she complains. You can feel the butterflies in your stomach when she talks.

Does he really blush when you look at him, and does he really see you as more than a friend? It’s clear, you and Jungwon have always been closer than others would like. You’re used to some of your friends teasing you, even teachers pulling the old “stop flirting,” card when they warn you in class for the third time. It’s normal for you two to be attached to the hip, always holding each other or thinking about one another. But did it really look like a couple? Maybe, every time you look at him and his friends talking and he tells them to shut up when you’re walking closer it could be because they were teasing him, just like your friends do when they see him walking to you.

"What? You're being delusional," you roll your eyes at her and scoff. She's lying. There's no way Jungwon could feel the same way about you. In the end, you two were best friends.

"Trust me if I was, I'd tell you he does not feel the same way. Now take that however you want, but when you announce you two dating I'm not gonna hesitate saying I told you so," she gives you a look with raised eyebrows.

You go straight to your room after arriving home and sit down on your desk after disregarding all your stuff. There’s a white envelope with Jungwon’s name on it sitting on one of your textbooks, and you can feel your heartbeat pick up and your eyes widen as you take a better look at it.

Isn’t this the letter you wrote for him yesterday? No, it can’t be. You usually put the letters you aren’t planning on giving anyone into a box, so this one probably got left out and you forgot to put it into the box.

Who said you couldn’t open it and read it, though? So you do just that and quickly open the envelope while silently whispering how it should not be the letter you were supposed to give Jungwon today, and actually the one you’re supposed to hide from any daylight and person that could get their fingers on it.

You open the letter and start reading through it, starting from the top. And that’s when you feel your heart drop to your stomach, eyes widen and slamming the letter in your hand on your desk. It takes a couple seconds for you to find yourself again after staring out the window with a horrific look and realize what happened- you gave Jungwon the wrong letter. So now your best friend, who you’ve had a crush (it’s more than that, but you tell yourself it’s only that in hopes it’ll go away) on since years, is walking home not expecting anything from the letter in his backpack besides you asking how he is doing today and wishing him a great and amazing week.

Turning around slowly and walking to your bed, you throw yourself facedown on it and let out a loud whine. He’s going to go home, open his backpack, then the letter. He’ll read through it and then take his phone to call or message you and tell you how he doesn’t feel the same. And that’s only if he’s nice. He’d probably tell the others and secretly laugh at how you thought you’d have a chance with him anyway-

Your phone buzzes and you turn your head to look at your desk, still laying down on your bed, to see it light up twice. You received a message. Maybe if you close your eyes and try to ignore it, the message will disappear.

The phone keeps buzzing and lighting up with messages. It takes a couple of seconds to sit up and walk to your phone and unlock it. And you were right- it’s Jungwon who messaged you. You could open the chat, read his messages and talk about it. Or, an option you liked a lot, you could ignore his texts and act as if nothing happened. Walk into school tomorrow, greet him like you always do and try to change the subject everytime he brings up the letter.

Your eyes widen again when you see your phone vibrating in your hand, your best friend’s face showing up on the screen. Now he is calling?

“No, nope and no! Call as many times as you want, I will not respond,” you whisper and turn your phone off completely.

It’s only four, so you still have time to study and do some homework. And that’s exactly what you do, trying to distract yourself from the fact that you might have just destroyed a years-long friendship just by writing a letter.

~

The next day, you walk into school not looking up from the floor once. If you ignore the students around you and the weird looks you get as you pass by some of your classmates without saying hello, this all might stop.

You walk to your locker and try to take out your book as fast as possible, knowing Jungwon might show up any second if he really wants to talk to you. He ended up calling five times yesterday and leaving a lot of messages and you know him as someone who doesn’t give up quickly. It doesn’t help that his locker is three lockers away from yours, right after Yuna’s and Sunoo’s.

Your calm state gets interrupted when you feel a tall presence behind your locker. You try to ignore it, you really do. You try to distract yourself with the textbooks in your locker and act as if you were searching through them (you already had your history textbook in your arms, which was the one you’d need for your first class), trying to look through the papers and act as if you had to read through them. But the person won’t leave you alone and you only think about closing your locker slowly to look at them when you hear them cough uncomfortably- instant regret. There he’s standing, Jungwon, your best friend, lips pulled into a tight line and your letter being held up in his left hand.

You try to search for any sign of disgust or embarrassment in his eyes, but fail. How could you search through his emotions when you couldn’t even look straight into his eyes?

“Uhm, I think you might have given me the wrong letter. I don’t know,” he starts. He’s scratching the back of his neck with his right arm and that’s when you know you fucked up.

“Mh? Wrong letter?” Maybe playing dumb will help. Or you could avoid him. Right as he opens his mouth to say something else, you see Sunoo and Yuna walk to you from behind him. Jungwon frowns at you when he sees you staring behind him and turns his head to look at your two friends waving at you with big smiles on their faces.

He realizes he shouldn’t have turned around to check, because he notices you’re gone the second his eyes are back on the spot you were just standing on. He groans and throws his head back.

“Did Y/N just run away from you without saying goodbye?” the girl alongside Sunoo asks, her finger pointing into the direction you just ran away in. Jungwon nods slowly, chewing on his lip.

“What happened? She looked pretty nervous,” Sunoo notes. Jungwon’s eyes widen as his stare focuses back on the letter in his hand. They don’t know.

“Well, uhm, look for yourself.” He gives his friends the letter and asks them to read through it, while waiting for their reaction. He can see how their confused looks turn into shocked ones the more they near the end of the letter.

“Holy shit. I knew she was gonna be the first one to confess, but I didn’t think she’d do it so soon. And in such a romantic way, too!” Sunoo exclaims, holding up the letter with a big smile.

“What are you going to do next? Are you going to confess, too?” Yuna asks with a hopeful smile.

“Now wait. Who said I was going to confess? And I’m sure she didn’t mean to give me this letter. She seemed really nervous and embarrassed when she saw it in my hand and also asked why I called it a wrong letter,” Jungwon explains. He can see Sunoo’s smiley face fade and turn into a strict look when he talks about how it’s the wrong letter and that he doesn’t plan on confessing.

“Boy, you’ve been crushing on her since we were 14. If you don’t confess, I’ll tell Beomgyu that he should ask her out.” At that, Jungwon’s face converts from unbothered to offended.

“What? Don’t tell him that or else I’ll,” he stops talking to think about his next words- he doesn’t have any. Sunoo is right. Jungwon has been crushing on you for too long to not do anything against it. And what other amazing opportunity than having you confess first? Even if it was an accident and you didn’t mean to give him that letter, it still confirms that you feel the same way about him. It hurts and panics him to think about what you must feel right now. Is it shame, embarrassment? Are you trying to find another person you can befriend so you’re not alone anymore when you try to avoid him?

“Well, then you know what to do,” Sunoo tells him with a raised brow and continues walking to class with Yuna, leaving his friend behind.

You try avoiding Jungwon for the rest of the school day. It was already embarrassing enough that he read your letter, seeing him face to face wouldn’t be any better.

But it seems like he did the exact opposite. While you tried avoiding him, he tried his best to find you. Which is why you find him waiting in front of your doorstep with Sunoo.

“Uhm, what are you guys doing here?” You clear your throat and take out your keys, trying to open your house door as fast as possible with shaking hands. Jungwon doesn’t miss how you’re trying to avoid eye contact as much as possible and focus your gaze on your hands.

“I thought it wouldn’t be a bad idea to study together for the math quiz next week. Right, Jungwon?” Sunoo nudges him with his elbow. The boy shakes his head and his eyes widen.

“Uh, yeah that,” he coughs. You press your lips into a thin line and nod slowly, opening your door.

“That 's great. But I don’t think I’ll have time for that today and-” Sunoo frowns and steps forward, holding his arm out between you and your door, blocking the way.

“No, no. Who said you could leave? We always study together and you already said you were free this week yesterday, remember?” He raises an eyebrow at you, nodding towards his friend awkwardly standing behind him.

“Shit…,” you curse under your breath. So Sunoo also found out about the letter, you note.

“Now, Jungwon and I are going to walk up to mine. I hope you won’t be late or I’ll come back down and carry you up,” he says before turning around and taking Jungwon with him. You wait until both boys are out of ear shot and throw your head back, groaning.

Not only would you have to face Jungwon, but also Sunoo after he found out. It doesn’t calm your nerves knowing Sunoo has always been annoying you about how you and Jungwon are “just right for eachother,” as he’d say. This means he won’t stop trying to play cupid until you and Jungwon make up.

But does he even need to play, if Jungwon already found out about your feelings you wrote him in a letter and read it?

You walk into your room and change your backpack to a smaller one, only taking your math book with you.

The door to Sunoo’s opens immediately after you ring his bell once, being greeted with a smiling Jungwon. Your eyes widen and you try to look behind him, searching for the blond boy whose idea it was to meet in his home. Jungwon’s smiley face drops as he realizes who’s standing in front of him. His hand goes up to scratch at his neck, also avoiding your gaze.

Are we just going to continue looking at the floor, or.. ,he thinks. It’s awkward, really awkward.

He makes space for you to step in and closes the door after you come in, walking behind you slowly.

“Where is Sunoo?” you ask and drop your backpack next to the green sofa in the middle of the room. The TV is on, they must’ve been waiting for you to come up before starting to study.

“Uh, he said he needed to go to the bathroom.” Jungwon responds. You nod slowly and sit down on the sofa.

This isn’t like always. The atmosphere between you two is tense, and it’s obvious. It’s obvious by the distance kept between you two, with you sitting down and Jungwon still standing in the middle of the room. Your body’s stiff and you don’t exactly know what to do with your hands, fiddling with your fingers on your lap. Jungwon notices the interest you picked on your hands and lets out a sigh.

So I’m not the only uncomfortable person here.

He starts walking towards Sunoo’s room and disappears. For a minute, you think you’re safe until Sunoo is back and let out a relieved breath, closing your eyes and leaning back on the sofa. But only for a minute, because the silence gets disturbed by wrinkling paper you hear behind you.

Your eyes snap open and you turn around quickly, catching Jungwon’s unsure eyes. He’s holding a paper, your letter, to be specific. He takes slow steps towards you and sits down next to you, leaving a distance. You can feel your cheeks heat up and your face warm, also noticing the rosy color spreading on the boy’s cheeks.

“Uhm, I think we need to talk about this,” he clears his throat and holds up your letter, staring at it. There’s a silence between you two, Tom and Jerry being the only thing heard from the TV.

“I’m sure you didn’t mean to give me this, because you looked happy before finding out what letter you gave me. And I’m sure you wouldn’t want me to know what you wrote here,” he explains. You gulp. You scold yourself mentally. What the fuck had you written in the letter again?

“So I just wanted to ask if you-”

“No,” you cut him off quickly. He raises his eyebrows in surprise, frowns on his lips.

“No?” You nod slowly, suddenly feeling unsure of your response. You should’ve let him talk.

“I- I was going to ask if you meant what you said in that letter.” His voice gets quieter and you feel a pang of guilt in you. He’s clearly hurt and embarrassed, and it doesn’t help that you don’t know whether it’s because he wants you to feel something for him, or because he thinks you hate him and could never see him as someone who deserves love. You hope it’s the first one.

“I’m sorry. I should’ve let you talk first,” you say. You dare looking up at him and make eye contact for the first time since entering your mutual friend’s house. For a second, everything feels like usual.

You’re back to being friends only, the letters hidden in your favorite box not seeing the daylight. His eyes take you back to summer, when you two first met years ago. They take you back to yesterday morning, when you still thought it was a normal letter and Jungwon thought it was just one of your motivational speeches to get him through the week of school. They take you back to the time you saw his dimples for the first time after telling a stupid joke to impress him after Sunoo left the room.

“Yes. I just wanted to know if you actually mean it? Because, uhm,” he stops talking and frowns, playing with the letter in his hand. You purse your lips, lost in your own thoughts. He hands you the letter and you take it with a questioning look. He nods towards the paper.

“Read it. I think you might’ve forgotten about what it actually is,” he explains. You feel your face getting hot again, wanting to be swallowed by the ground alive.

Please don’t be something embarrassing.

You unfold the piece of paper in your hand and start reading through it after sending the boy next to you one last unsure look.

Jungwon,

I’ll actually never give you this letter. I have this hidden box in my room where I put all the pieces of paper I’ve written on and don’t want anyone to know about. Like what I’m about to write next.

I’ve had a crush on you for a long, long time now. And to be honest I don’t think I can call it a crush only. It’s more like a feeling, it’d be better to say that I’ve liked you for a very long time. I like everything about you, all the stuff you do. I like that I feel so safe and secure around you and that I can talk to you about everything. I get happy when you’re around and all I want is that you feel the same way about me, too. I want to be someone you feel safe around and I want you to be happy when you’re around me. I want to be the reason for the dimples appearing on your face when you smile and laugh, I want to be the reason why you giggle when you look down at your phone in the middle of class.

I hope that you can soon tell me whether you feel the same way about me, or not. Although I think, as I’ve already mentioned, these hidden letters will stay hidden forever, or at least for as long as possible. It’d be embarrassing to me if you’d ever touch one of these and see what I write, because I’m sure you’ll never see me as anything different than your best friend :(

But still, I keep hoping someday I’ll be the reason for your smiles and giggles. Still, I hope someday to be able to call you mine.

Your eyes widen and you’re sure, for someone looking at this from a third pov, it may look like they’re about to jump out of your eye sockets and roll on the floor. You fold the paper and put it back into the envelope he placed on the empty sofa space between you two.

Your Y/N <3

Where the fuck is Sunoo?, you think. Now would be a great moment for him to appear out of nowhere and calm the tension in the room. It’s like you could cut it with a knife.

“I- I forgot I wrote this,” you whisper and place the envelope on the empty space between you and Jungwon. He nods slowly, clearing his throat.

“Yeah, I had assumed that already. It’s, uhm, a really personal thing you wrote there. I doubt you’d want me to read it,” he mutters.

There’s another silence between you two and this time, it’s you who decided to break it.

“You know, it’s okay if you don’t feel the same. As I said in the letter, I’m sure you don’t see me as more than a friend and I also understand if you feel uncomfortable and awkward from now on,” you go on explaining, your gaze focusing on your fingers instead of Jungwon. His eyes are fixed on you, a small smile on his lips and any sign of embarrassment gone after listening to your small rant. He could cut you off and tell you he likes you, or stay quiet and hear you talk.

He decides to stay quiet and hear you talk.

“I also know you’re probably disgusted or weirded out because I wrote so many letters that I hid from you and I promise you it’s nothing weird. We can either act as if nothing happened between us and continue being friends. But if it makes you feel better, we can also just ignore each other. It’s going to be hard, but I’ll move on at some point,” your voice gets softer at the end and quieter, which doesn’t go unnoticed by the boy with you in the room. His smile falls slowly, realizing what pain it’d actually cause you if he decides to ignore you or act as if nothing happened between you two.

“All of this is unnecessary, Y/N,” he starts. You raise your head slowly, frowning and sending him a perplexed look.

“I mean it’s unnecessary for you to feel this way and be scared I wouldn’t want to be friends with you anymore. I could never picture my life without you,” he explains. You suck in a breath, preparing yourself for the rejection that is about to come.

But it never happens. Instead, your eyes snap down to your hand as he takes it and links his fingers with yours.

“I’ve liked you for a really long time, too. I was just too scared and shy to admit it, even though I tried sending you signals.” He pauses, breathing in and looking down at your connected hands.

“You never did anything to show me you could've liked me in that way,” you note.

“I guess you could say that. I was hoping that asking you to write me more letters and asking if you wanted to hang out every day was enough to show you,” he laughs. You’re even more confused now.

“But that’s exactly what we’ve always been doing.”

“I know. That’s the only way I could show you how interested I am in you and I don’t really know that much about showing emotions when you,” he pauses and purses his lips, “like someone like this” He motions between the two of you with his free hand, making the corners of your lips turn up into a shy smile.

“Wait so what you’re trying to say is-” He cuts you off by pulling you closer to him by your hand.

“That I like you?” he asks, and you nod slowly, staring into his eyes.

“Well, yes. Unless you don’t feel the same. Then it’s more like a friendly way-” This time it’s him getting cut off by you pressing your lips against his. You can’t really explain the feelings and fireworks exploding within you, and neither can Jungwon. He’s shocked at first, gasping and his eyes widening, but instantly closing in relief when he realizes what just happened.

He squeezes your hand and you feel your face heating up again, sighing into the kiss. His touch is different now. It makes you regret everything that made this moment come so late. It makes you regret not having confessed to him sooner, makes you think about where you two could’ve been with your relationship now, if only you had shown your attraction to each other sooner. His hand in yours mixed with his lips moving along with yours makes you drown, his scent and fingertips on your cheeks being the only thing you register.

You’re glad he’s the first one to break the kiss and pull back, else you’d stay like this forever. You open your eyes slowly, finding him already gazing back at you. His eyes are soft, shiny. You pull your bottom lip between your teeth, trying to hold down the smile creeping up your face.

“Uhm, I take that as something good?” he says, but it comes out sounding more like a question as he finishes the sentence with his voice going up.

“Yeah, I thought it was obvious after I just kissed you,” you giggle. He purses his lips.

“I’m just saying, what if I interpreted it wrong?” he defends himself, chuckling. You roll your eyes and look at him.

“Isn’t it obvious? I like you,” you say and glance down at your hands together.

“That’s good, because I really like you, too.” You frown after his confession, focusing your gaze on the bathroom door behind Jungwon.

“Wait, didn’t you say Sunoo was in the bathroom? Why’s he taking so long?” you voice your thoughts. His lips press into a thin line, avoiding your eyes. You tilt your head in question.

“Yeah, uh, I might’ve lied. He said he’d stay in his parents’ room until we confessed,” he confesses.

At 10, you remember watching a TV show and not understanding why your big sister told you to leave the room when the two characters hid in a room alone. Or every time she’d make you leave her room you wouldn’t understand why she got so angry after entering her room. 

There’s so many things you don’t have an explanation for, even today. So many things that make you stay up at night or write about, wondering why it is the way it is. It’s things that make you forget everything around you in the moment, for example in class, and think about something else. 

One of them is falling in love with your best friend. You don’t really remember when the first time was that you thought about her in a not-so-platonic way. In a way you’re only supposed to see your lover. Your eyes take a heart form every time she walks past you, or even just looking your way. You’re sure whoever is watching from the outside when Mj is in your presence, is aware of your big and fat crush (you could call it love, you think). It’s gotten to the point where you hope your teacher partners you up with her when there’s a partner or group assignment. Even if you know that it’s unlikely, considering teachers don’t like to put best friends as partners or into groups, there's always hope to spend more time with her, right? 

That’s one of those things you can’t really explain to yourself.

Things that distract you so much you don’t even realize somebody is calling for you. 

“Y/n! I’ve been calling you for so long!” Betty snaps her fingers in front of your face, rolling her eyes. You snap out of your thoughts, flinching at the small distance between her fingers and your face. She almost hit you! 

“What? Where’s everyone else?” You look around surprised, seeing that only you, the blonde girl and another student talking to the teacher are in the room. The young girl stands up and starts packing her stuff, sighing. 

“Class has ended already, but you were staring out the window for so long so I got worried you died.” You snort at her comment, standing up too and putting your backpack over your back. 

“I was just…thinking about something,” you explain to her and leave the classroom, your friend walking following behind. 

“Yeah, something or someone,” she teases, catching up to you with a smirk adorning her face. 

“What? I was just thinking about what I’ll do later today!” You lie, feeling the heat creep up your face at being caught daydreaming about someone. Truth is, Betty isn’t dumb. She notices all the times you spent your classes staring out the window or at a certain girl, not really paying attention to your teacher or students talking. The blonde girl is an amazing friend, always encouraging you to confess your feelings to your mutual friend and see how it goes. She’s always full of positive vibes with a smile on her face, trying to help you. But it does get annoying sometimes when the only thing you can think about is how you’d get rejected, while she’s standing next to you telling you to just do it. 

“Come on, Y/n, when do you plan on telling her? I’m sure you won’t get rejected anyway. The way she looks at you tells me there’s no chance for her to do so,” she giggles, covering her mouth with her hand. You turn your head to her slowly, hope filling you. 

“What do you mean? I’ve never caught her looking at me,” you say unbothered. Maybe trying to seem chill and unbothered will get her to say more. 

“Oh, you know, she’s also my friend and tells me things.” Betty shrugs and winks at you, coming to a stop next to her locker. 

“Betty, you can’t just say that and not expect me to demand more!” You frown and pout at her, adjusting the straps of your backpack. The girl shrugs and turns her back to you, getting her book for the next period out. 

“Hi, girls!” You gasp at the hand colliding with your shoulder, making you look at the pretty face of your friend greeting you. 

“Mj!” You smile and give her a hug, not having seen her through the whole weekend. Your eyes widen after remembering what your conversation with Betty consisted of, wondering if Mj heard any part of it. 

“I’m so happy right now. Just had my last exam,” Mj announces, doing a motion of wiping her sweat off her forehead. You chuckle and pat her shoulder, nodding. 

“That 's good. I still have math on thursday. Then I’ll be free, too.” Mj frowns and looks at you. 

“I thought that was already done last week?” She asks and tilts her head. 

You gulp, looking at her through wide eyes. The way she is looking at you right now has you biting your lip to hide a  smile. She looks so cute. 

“Uhm, yeah but the teacher was sick so we had a free period,” you explain and try to distract yourself with the sleeves of your jacket, playing with them. 

“Oh, that 's bad. You know, if you want to, we can study together. I can help!” She expresses happiness. You shake your head quickly, not knowing how you’d survive studying alone with your crush. 

“Oh, no no there’s no need to! I don’t want to annoy you more. Betty and I can lea-” Before you can finish responding, said girl turns around quickly and shuts her locker with a loud bang, startling you and Mj. 

“I forgot to tell you, but I can’t this week! My, uhm, my mom said we had this appointment we have to go to. And on Wednesday I have chore practice, yeah.” She nods, looking at you with a raised brow. You purse your lips. Something is telling you she is lying. 

“That 's perfect! Does tomorrow seem good to you? Then you can ask me the questions and if you still need help, you have Wednesday to study,” she says and turns all her attention to you. 

You nod quickly, trying to not seem too intimidated by her gaze and knowing that she has no problem with meeting you alone. You, on the other hand, can already feel your heart beating out of your chest so loud you’re sure if it was quiet in this hall, she’d be able to hear it too and your love for her would be exposed. 

You say goodbye to your two friends after the bell rings and make your way to your next and last class, thankful that only two hours separate you from laying in your comfortable bed and drowning in imaginary scenarios of what could happen between you and Mj tomorrow, if you happen to confess to her. 

The next day comes quickly, being woken up by the shrill sound of your alarm clock and groaning as you try to tune out the sound, slapping your pillow over your head and ignoring it. 

You click snooze, getting up from your bed with a loud sigh and getting ready for school, starting in the bathroom. You make sure to collect all the stuff you’d need for math studying, in case Mj decides to study right after school. If it was anyone else, you’d definitely get pissed at them wanting to study with you right after school. Like, we just had classes and you want to give me another one? No. But since it’s her, you could at least look forward to spending time with her alone. 

Your two friends greet you in class, Betty giving you a hug while Mj just nods at you, smiling, head buried in a book (like any other time, actually). You smile back at her, sitting down at your desk. 

“Do you already know what you need help with? I understand most of the stuff, so I don’t think we’ll have big problems trying to make your head understand.`` She smiles and closes the book, using her phone as a bookmark. 

“I looked at everything yesterday and highlighted what I needed for the exam, so I think I'm prepared for whatever.” You nod slowly, taking your stuff for English out of your backpack. The teacher walks into class, making all students stop talking and sit at their desks quietly. 

After classes, you follow Mj into the library and sit down at an empty table, silently thanking whoever decided to give the other students longer classes so you could sit alone with her at a table and not be interrupted by annoying students being too loud there. 

You watch her taking out her stuff, putting it on the table and opening her math book to look at a page that resembles everything coming into your exam on thursday. You watch her take out a pencil and an empty sheet to write on, already writing the date of today into an empty corner. Her eyes meet yours as she looks up. 

“Do you want to stare at me for the whole study lesson or also learn something?” She raises her eyebrows, smirking. You feel the heat creep up your neck and try to cover up your embarrassment with a cough, looking away. 

“What? I- I was just thinking about the questions I had for you,” you lie and shrug. She doesn’t let go. 

“I don’t know. I don’t think your questions will appear by staring at me the whole time,” she says, indicating that she doesn’t believe your explanation. 

“Can we just start,” you mumble and roll your eyes, ignoring the smirk grazing her face as she sighs and waits for you to get everything out that you need and start asking questions. 

After an awful (studying was the awful part. Being able to sit with her in this library was not the awful part) two hours of burning your brain with numbers and formulas you’re sure you wouldn’t ever need, the torture is done and you’re packing your things with Mj. 

“Thank you for using your time to study with me. I’m sure you probably had something else to do,” you thank her as you’re walking side by side out of the school building, fiddling with your fingers and trying to set your eyes on anything but her own. She’s looking at you, you can feel it. 

“Nah, I would’ve probably spent my time just staring and scrolling through my phone, anyway. This wasn’t wasting time either.” She says and shrugs. She pulls on the straps of her backpack, chewing on her bottom lip. Is she nervous? You look away shyly. 

“You know Y/n, I like spending time with you.” Your face light up at her statement. 

“I like it, too! It makes me feel at ease when we’re hanging out, all three,” you agree with her and frown when she comes to a halt next to you, sighing. 

“I meant us two alone, not with Betty. Like, when we’re doing things, y’know,” she trails off, her eyes moving to focus on something. You frown confused, already having an idea where this could be heading but a small part in you is still telling you it won’t be what you hope for. 

“What do you mean?” 

She shrugs. “Do you think that I don’t notice all the times you’d stare at me and look so out of it?” Now this is like a slap right in your face. 

Never would you have thought the girl herself, Mj, would take notice of your feelings for her and the daydreams plaguing your mind during class in which she is also a part of. Now you have two options; lie and say no, you don’t know, or admitting to everything, running away and changing your name. 

Your heart is beating out of your chest, feeling the thumping even in your ears and hoping she wouldn’t be able to hear it. Can she feel the heat radiating from you? You don’t know, but you’re sure flames could appear next to your face and smoke coming off your head any moment by the heat that you’re feeling on your face right now. It’s not everyday that your crush, the person you love, notices the stares you give her and how most of the time all you think about is her. So why did it have to be you that has to go through this embarrassment? 

“Y/n? See, you’re doing it again! You’re staring at me and not responding!” She huffs, seeming annoyed. You clench your jaw, nervously. Is she angry that you like her? It just keeps getting worse,you mentally slap yourself to wake up. 

“I’m not doing anything!” You protest, still confused at everything. 

“What I’m talking about is that if you’re so into me, why did you never plan on making a move?” She expresses annoyance. You open your mouth to respond to her but nothing comes out. Too speechless to even respond to her. 

Excuse me?

“What do you mean? You knew all this time?!” You ask shocked, your mind lagging at the fact that she knew all this time along of your feelings but didn’t make a move and now is asking why you didn’t make a move. 

“So you knew that I had feelings for you but never made a move and expected me to do the first step, when it was you who should’ve done it if you knew all this time?” You scoff. 

“Well, if you say it like that,” she shrugs shyly, pressing her lips into a thin line. 

“What do you mean? I’ve been stressed all of this time, wondering if we’ll even stay friends if I confessed only for me to find out now you had feelings, too?” You’re about to add something else when her next statement knocks the wind out of you. 

“I don’t think we can stay friends after this,” she breathes out, gazing into your eyes with a grin plastered on her face. How could she smile in this situation?

“What-” 

“I think it needs to be more than that,” she whispers, stepping closer to you and holding her hand out to grasp yours, pulling you closer. You look at her through wide eyes, no words coming out of your lips and too shocked to talk. 

“Did you really expect me to say we can’t be friends or anything anymore, after confessing?” She tilts her head, face moving closer to you. You gulp at the small distance between you two, butterflies exploding in your stomach when you feel her breath fanning over your face, noses touching. 

Your eyes flutter closed when you notice her moving closer, praying this isn’t some kind of dream in your head and that everything is real. Your prayer is answered when you feel her lips pressed into yours, moving slowly and savoring the moment. This feels way too real to be only a dream. Unless it’s a lucid dream, nothing could ruin this moment anymore. 

Your head feels dizzy and your whole body feels as if it was standing on a cloud, threatening 

to fall any moment in case all of this stops, after she pulls away. There’s a red tint painting her cheeks and you can’t hide the proud grin adorning your face at the realization that the reason for it is the kiss you two just shared. 

“Don’t laugh! You should be happy I said something, else you would’ve gone home wondering why you didn’t do anything,” she argues. You gasp, ready to protest but then shut up and roll your eyes at her after the thought of her being right sinks in. 

“Just shut up. I want to go home.” You joke and turn around, wanting to leave. You shriek with wide eyes when you’re pulled back by her hand, falling into her chest. 

“Not before you give me another kiss!” She laughs and leans in. 

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permanent @prancerrparkerr @selfcarecap @prancerrparkerr @aayaissaa

you always told peter everything was hopeless, that people wouldn’t keep their promises so they should never even try to make one. especially when it is something as serious as this one.

“look, you write your name right here. and then give me your signature, promising you won’t do anything until our next meeting.” the woman sitting in front of your desk had a sad smile plastered on her face, her eyes showing you nothing but pity. in the other room, behind the white door, was peter sitting on the green sofa and waiting for you to come out. he had offered you to come with you to your next therapy session, but not come inside. your therapist wouldn’t let him in anyway.

“what exactly does this do? last time i was here, i didn’t need to sign anything,” you question as you sit up straight, grabbing the pen she handed you and starting to write down the first letter of your name.

“it gives me the permission to let you go home and not take you anywhere. and also lets me know you won’t do anything to yourself. i trust you,” she sighs. you frown and stop writing.

“take- take me where? you promised i wouldn’t need to get admitted anywhere. my dad-”

“you have an awesome support system. your boyfriend outside waiting, your dad offering you to hang out and more. but we don’t think that’s enough if you won’t come out of your room or at least try to get better.” she explains to you, nodding to her notebook, remembering you of the other sessions she had to use it in and write down your current routine. wake up, lay in bed for hours, sometimes get up and eat, go back to your room.

“i’m already trying to get better. what is this if not getting better?” you give her a spiteful smile, leaving your signature on the open page and putting the pen back down.

“alright, i’ll let you go for now. if i see you not getting any better, we’ll have to talk with your dad. and i don’t think you’d be content with the decision we’d have to make.” you roll your eyes, leaning back.

“i don’t think i’m content with whatever decision that’s going to be made without my consent. i’m good!” she sighs once again, hiding the notebook in her desk drawers and getting up.

that fucking notebook. a look at it and you regret every word you let out to this woman.

you get up too, and make your way to the door.

“i hope to see you next week. enjoy your time, and say hi from me to peter and your friends!” she waves at you, a little too happy for what conversation you just had with her. you give her a forced, tight-lipped smile and leave the room. closing the door behind you, you’re met with peter leaning on a wall and on his phone. when he hears the door and sees you standing there, he puts his phone in his pocket and instantly takes you in his arms.

“how was it?” he smiles. why the fuck is he smiling.

“meh. had to sign some paper and promise i wouldn't do anything until our next meeting. dumb promise.” his smile falls, frowning.

“what- why is it dumb? you won’t do anything, right?” you turn to look at him.

“i mean, i try? like, do you think that if i was on the verge on doing something i’d think about that page in her notebook and stop? of course not, peter! that’s not how it works.”

“i- i hope you won’t do anything to yourself,” he whispers. you groan and throw your head back.

“you all need to stop for hoping so much.”

the day before, you two had a fight over some useless thing. well, for you it was useless. it meant so much more to peter. of course it did, but of course you couldn’t understand.

because how would a person that has given up on everything understand a person that still hoped for the best and for the light at the end of a tunnel? it wasn’t possible.

he begged you to look at the situation from his point of view, and you did. you told him you tried to and could understand that it hurt him. but you also told him how selfish it is from him to want you to keep going in all this pain, just because he would miss you. apparently, it meant that you’d continue for him, not for you.

peter didn’t pick up. he didn’t feel like listening to you blaming him and accusing him to be a selfish boyfriend, asking you to stay for him instead of giving you reasons to stay that would help you.

he didn’t feel like yelling at you again, or hearing you yell through the phone.

but he wished he did. now, he wished he picked up the phone more than ever.

with a shaky breath, he clicked on the first voice mail you left on his phone with his thumb, waiting for the worst.

a sob could be heard before your voice rang through the speaker of his phone. it had a crack on the screen after he threw it against his wall when tony told him what happened. he felt like letting out all the build up anger he had from your fight.

“peter-” crack “i’m sorry, i just really need you right now”

“can you please pick up...please”

“scold and yell at me later, but this is important just call me”

he shuts his eyes, letting out a breath.

“if you call me later i don’t know if i’ll be able to pick up” your voice cracks again, and he hears your sobbing for a couple of seconds before there’s a long bleep.

yesterday was okay. he saw you. then the fight ensued. and now he’ll never, ever see you again. he wishes time between friday afternoon and today morning never happened. he wishes he could take the blue clock hanging on his wall above his desk, rotate the pointer all the way back and never mention your problems or therapy sessions.

he opens his instagram, going through the messages sent between wednesday and thursday. you hadn’t attended school, said your head hurt too much and that you felt dizzy. you only messaged mj telling her how you felt. she was the one telling peter and ned that you wouldn’t come to school the next few days because you were sick.

he then visited the compound on friday. directly going to your room, ignoring steve’s hello and bucky asking him why he seemed so nervous and mad.

“the door to your room opens, startling you and sending your laptop on your lap almost to the floor. you quickly shut it, not letting the person entering your room see whatever was playing on the screen.

you let out a breath of relief when you see it’s only peter. oh.

“you scared me. do you not know how to knock?!” you groan, placing the laptop on your nightstand and draping the covers over your frame. was it always so cold in your room?

“oh, so now you feel better?” he snarls. you frown confused. why the fuck is he so angry at you? he just came in.

“what are you so angry for? and don’t we have school until three on fridays? it’s one, peter”

he rolls his eyes and closes the door, stepping closer to your bed, but not sitting down.

“you don’t come to school for three days, not reading any of my messages, ignoring everyone sending you a message or asking where you’ve been. and then tell mj you won’t come because your head hurts and you’re dizzy?! stop lying!” you gasp, slowly getting up, scared stars are going to cloud your vision once again.

“are you fucking accusing me of lying? i feel dizzy and my head hurts! not as much as it did the past three days, but it does!” you yell.

peter’s gaze wanders through your room, halting on the lunch box on your desk. he nods to it and your gaze follows his.

“did you eat yet?” he murmurs. you throw your head back, instantly regretting it. maybe you should’ve taken your vitamins today. and yesterday. and wednesday. or maybe just the whole week.

“no. but i-” you get cut off by him scoffing and throwing his arms up.

“well, of course you’ll feel dizzy and like shit when you don’t eat or drink!”

“i did drink something! wanda made me some orange juice. and i had soup,” you argue back.

“yeah, because a cup of orange juice and bow of soup equals three days of meals, right?” he asks, raising his brows.

“you’re annoying. just leave me alone,” you say and sit back down, holding your head between your hands that are propped on your knees. peter doesn’t seem to let go. his voice echoing in your head, making the throb in your head worse.

“do you-” he pauses, running his hands over his face and sighing,” do you not understand that this is serious? you are hurting yourself. not just yourself.” your head snaps up, but you try to ignore the pain by squeezing your eyes shut before talking.

“what is that supposed to mean? i know what i am doing! i am not a child,” you huff.

“well, it feels like it when your family has to go after you and ask whether you ate. or drank. or took a shower!” he lists.

you lower your head, breathing out. he never knows when to stop, does he?

“can you just leave me alone? i’m so done,” you tell him, standing up and making your way to your door. you open it, patiently waiting for him to leave. he frowns and cusses.

“what the fuck? we just had a fight and you tell me to le-”

“if you don’t want me to fall down and fucking faint, then leave! this is too much. we can talk tomorrow.” you point to the door, stretching your arm out and waiting for him to leave. he steps closer to you, halting in front of you. you expect him to apologise or ask if you’re ok. never in a million years would you have expected the next words slipping through his lips.

“sometimes i ask myself why i even stay and help you.” the words slip through his words like honey, annoyance dripping off his voice.

he steps out the door, not turning around before walking to the elevator. your eyes don’t leave his figure until he’s out of eyesight and you close the door. feeling tears fill your eyes, you squeeze them shut and throw yourself on the bed.

there’s a knock on his door and he turns off his phone before responding with a quiet “come in,”. he’s afraid his voice might break if he speaks louder. like yours on the voice mail.

may steps into his room and closes the door quietly behind her. she knows what it is like to lose someone you love. but for peter, this may be the second person he lost.

his eyes are cast on his brown nightstand. a picture of you and him framed standing on it. that was the first time may had met you two years ago, she took the picture. it was one of you staring with wide eyes and a smile at the camera, peter turning his face to you when he heard the camera click and pressing a haste kiss on your cheek. in any other circumstance he would feel butterflies erupt in his stomach thinking about the moment. but, right now? he just wants to feel what he felt that day, happy and relieved.

“they’ll do an autopsy today,” may whispers as she sits down next to him. his head snaps to her.

his thoughts occupy his mind. will she feel it? will they give her a bath, and who will take off her clothes?

he remembers the first time you two took a bath together.

“the funereal will be first saturday in september,” she continues.

“in two weeks…” he whispers. his fingers are grabbing on his hoodie, the material hunched up in a fist making his knuckles turn white. may senses his nerves.

“tony asked if you’d like to visit the compound later. you- you can help him and pepper go through her room.”

the breath in his throat hitches.

he didn’t think about your room, clothes and stuff yet. he doesn’t want anyone to go through your notebooks or diary. to go through your phone and inspect the messages, pictures and videos shared with friends and other people you loved. he knows how much you hated it when someone goes through your phone, even if it’s just pepper or tony asking if they could search something on google.

peter nods, finally looking up at his aunt and staring into he eyes. they’re red, glossy and puffy. she’s been crying, too.

“ok, yeah ok tell him i want to help.” she nods, a sympathetic tight-lipped smile on her face as she hugs him carefully. he’s like glass now, she’s scared to break him if she touches him too rough or fast.

may leaves the room after a couple minutes of sitting in silence with her nephew, closing the door behind her and leaving peter alone with his own thoughts. he feels a shiver run down his spine and hugs himself. his room is suddenly so cold. like her body must be by now. it’s probably been around fourteen hours since they found her.

a sob escapes his lips and he cradles his head in his hands, squeezing his eyes shut as he tries to ignore whatever is going on in his head.

~

the next day feels like torutre. he has to force himself out of bed, not bothering to make it before walking straight out of his room and towards the kitchen after brushing his hair. he still has on his clothes from yesterday, not having felt like changing and instantly falling asleep on his bed.

may’s already sitting on a chair, breakfast prepared in front her. he sees a plate filled with mini donuts where he normally sits.

“i thought you’d want to eat something before going to tony. it’s already one, and i didn’t want to wake you up in case you needed some rest.” she blows over her cup of tea, looking at him. he sighs and steps closer to her, engulfing her in a tight hug. taken by surprise, she sets her mug down and pulls him closer. he can’t waste another second not letting the people he loves know he loves them. i shouldn’t have left her. may breaks the hug as she feels him sob on her shoulder, sighing.

“it’s ok. you’ll go to see a part of her today, pete,” she smiles and holds his head down on her shoulder. he nods slowly, brushing his wet face and the tears away, pulling away from her hug and taking a deep, shaky breath.

“i should-,” he clears his throat,” i should get going. i don’t want them waiting just for me.” he turns around and walks to the door and his shoes, putting them on.

“you call me when there is something, alright?” may stands next to him, hand on her hip and her other hand holding the cup she was sipping from before. peter nods.

“if you want to stay, you just call me or send me a message. i won’t be mad,” she hugs him again, letting him go only for him to open the door and leave after a quick goodbye.

when he finally arrived, he walks in not greeting anyone, making a straight bee line to the kitchen. he hoped tony would be there waiting for him.

“-body found in her own room, yeah.” steve’s voice interrupts peter’s train of thoughts, making him snap his head to the blond standing leaned against the kitchen counter and with a phone in head, back turned to the entrance so he can’t see peter walk in. he turned around instantly when he heard steps behind him, eyes widening when noting the brown haired boy standing on the other side of the counter, hands fiddling with his hoodie.

he mutters something into the speaker of his phone, hanging up and placing the phone on the counter. peter’s eyes are glued to it, as if staring into it could bring you back. as if he stared long and strong enough, the bubble would break and you’d walk out of some corner with your arms wide open yelling “surprise!”

he misses you already. he misses every time he’d pick up the phone at two am because you had another nightmare. he wants to tell you love is endless and hear your giggles instead of groans saying “stop hoping too much, peter” he wants to be able to see the old you.

or maybe not. were you always the way you were? or did you pretend to be happy, until it reached a breaking point and everybody thought this was temporary or going on since a couple of months instead of years.

he thinks about the salty tears on your cheek every time you’d cry on his shoulder and vent and he starts regretting all the times he saw the red flags and chose to ignore you, chose to tell you to continue and stay for him instead of giving you reasons for you.

but it’s too late. sorry is a word. he doesn’t know how to bring you back. sorry won’t do anything. sorry won’t make time stop and let him grieve. or better, bring you back into his arms. he hoped you could at least have given him a warning. maybe then, then he could’ve ran to you and stop you? or maybe stop whatever reason made you end up like right now.

the calls. he remembers all the missed calls and voice mails, squeezing his eyes shut. those were the warnings. you tried to ask him for help. you begged him for help and he didn’t listen. he decided to listen to his brain instead of hurt, the only logic solution being ignoring you so you saw how hurt he was. but, he didn’t think about you. he didn’t think about how hurt you were. because even after visiting therapy and having a support system, that’s not enough. it has to come from you, but he didn’t know how. he didn’t know how to make you realize there was a reason to stay. not only one, but more.

“do- do they know why she-” he won’t speak it out loud. his brain stopping him before his words left his lips. steve sighs, eyes cast down on the phone. it lit up with a message from pepper, telling him to get more plastic bags. they must’ve started cleaning, and found more things to throw away. or keep. tony had a lot of space here, he knows where to put things even if he won’t use them for years. or ever.

“they’re not sure what the cause was. judging by the situation, we got told it could- could’ve been her. but she was already weak. maybe it was that,” he whispers. peter had never seen steve so emotional.

steve felt like the scariest situations in his life kept repeating and leaving him speechless and in pain. first he had lost bucky thinking he died, then he lost peggy. now you. he hadn’t seen you a whole day before it happened. didn’t even have the chance to say goodbye. it made him die inside. but then again, he couldn’t have known this would happen.

peter nods for what feels like the hundredth time today. he won’t open his mouth. words could spill out like a waterfall or crack like glass hitting the floor and he just doesn’t trust his mind anymore.

“can i go into her room?” he asks. steve nods, giving him a sad smile. peter makes his way to your room, silently staring at the floor and every step he takes. usually, you’d be walking next to him. there’d be small skips in his steps, excited to enter your room and throw himself on your comfortable bed. the last time he visited before the fight happened, it was his turn to pick a movie and he picked tangled. you giggled at his sweet decision. but what could you say? it was one of his favourite movies and you loved seeing him mouth along to the lyrics of the songs, or seeing his eyes lit up when rapunzel and flynn finally kissed. it melted your heart.

now she’s forever cold.

the door to your room is open, shuffling and words coming from inside.

he pinches himself, wishing this was all a nightmare and that maybe if he walks through that door and into your room, he’d find you sitting on your bed with two bowls of your favourite ice cream in hand, waiting for him with a bright smile.

at some point she stopped taking more than two scoops of ice cream, telling me the rest was mine because i loved it so much.

he blinks back tears before stepping into your room, coming eye to eye with tony.

“kid,” he says, walking to him. peter spots the book in his hands, your name written on it in cursive letters. your diary. tony notices the gaze on the item in his hand, stretching out his arm, signaling for peter to take the book.

he takes it with a frown, gulping. he doesn’t want to read your deepest thoughts or the things you’d write inside it every time you felt like there was no way out and didn’t dare to tell anyone, call him.

you wouldn’t have picked up anyway.

his eyes fill with tears again and he bites down on his lip in an attempt to stop his lips from quivering. tony notices, stepping closer and engulfing the teenage boy in a tight hug, letting him sob into his shoulder.

he can feel tony’s shoulder shake too, letting him know that he’s also crying.

“i’m sorry, i’m so sorry. she called me and i- i-,” tony only hugs him tighter and he shuts up. the room is quiet besides the small sobs and whimpers coming from the two in the room.

it feels empty with with all your bookshelves not filled. the white one next to your bed used to have all the books you had to read yet and the one you were currently reading. the other one, next to your desk, had books you had already read and some school books.

the wall next to your wardrobe used to be decorated with pictures of thing you liked and your friends. there were selfies of you and peter, mj, ned. all together, some with you and each one of them alone together in one. there used to be a row of pictures of your favorite movie hang up. the wall in front of your desk still has pictures of high buildings, the ocean and beach. every time peter visited your room, there was a picture more of a place you wanted to visit or live in. you used to hang up pictures right in front of your workspace to motivate yourself to work harder, better. to not get distracted.

to his surprise, your desk is still filled with books, notebooks and more.

tony pulls away first, patting the boy in front of him on his shoulder but not making eye contact. he looks sadly around the room. your bed is so empty.

“we should get going. i put all her books in that corner,” he explains and points to the corner behind the door. there were three stacks of books. the boy nods.

“i’ll give you a plastic bag for all her clothes. if you see something you’d like to keep, like a shirt or something, keep it. the rest is getting donated,” he says. peter gups. he isn’t ready to let go like this. it’s just clothing. his mind tells him. he’s right, it’s just clothing. but they were worn by his girlfriend. it reminded him of you.

when he was done with emptying your drawers and wardrobe, he turned back around to tony. he didn’t expect to be done this fast, but pepper came in and decided to help both of them.

“mr. stark, what about her desk?” he pointed to the desk, still filled with all your belongings. tony gives pepper a look.

“we thought you’d like to go through it. we found some texts, letters and stuff. most of them were for you and friends,” pepper says behind him. he turns to her, frowning.

“what-what should i do with the rest? when i keep the things i want to keep, i mean.” he asks.

“you can take the letters and texts and give them to who they belong to. the rest, you can keep if you want. pepper and i went over it earlier and took,” he breathes in, memories of the words you had written down months ago flooding through his brain,” we took some letters that were for us. i won’t throw away the rest. only going to store it in another, smaller room.” peter can’t help but sigh. why do they have to clean your room so fast? it’s not even been twenty-four hours. as if tony could hear his thoughts, he cut him off.

“we’re cleaning in case we find something that could hint to all this,” he explains.

tony and pepper leave the room, leaving peter sitting alone on your bed and pulling out his phone.

he notes the voice mails he didn’t listen to yet, mentally preparing himself to hear your voice once again. he decides to listen to one of them.

“can we solve this tomorrow? i just- i really need you right now, please,” your voice comes out muffled. he guesses you may be holding your hand over your mouth. it hurts to think about you trying to muffle your cries because you were going through too much at once.

he sees a tear drop down on his phone screen, wiping it away and scoffing.

he didn’t pick up the phone when you needed him the most. so why is he crying? why is he said?

“you’re mad i know and i know you’re on your phone,” that was a lie. he wasn’t. he was crying into his pillow after your fight regretting what he had said and throwing his phone against the wall.

“please please i can’t do this alone. i don’t want to.”

he listened to the rest of them. all fourteen voice mails.

thirty-three. fourteen.

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