#thoughtsofaweirdo

So I am coming up on my first year of marriage and honestly I have enough stories and lessons to write a whole ass book (spoilers: that’s gonna be a thing in a little while) but the most imporatnt thing that I’ve found to help a relationship stay in the green zone is communication. I won’t go into a whole song and dance about how one should communicate with your partner, because well everyone is different, but yo communicate because at the end of the day no one can read anyone’s mind and if you want something a closed mouth never gets fed. No matter how many times it takes for you to have to say a thing, keep on trying because eventualy either what you or the other person saying will stick to some degree or something will happen for the other person or yourself to finally GET IT whatever IT may be. Don’t be a bitch, talk it out. And also no matter how petty yall wanna get, don’t; that don’t do shit but make everything worse. 

You know, I’ve always heard that marriage is a battlefield (song) or marriage is continuous work (the grapevine) and let me tell you gosh darn it none of that is a lie. I have never argued with someone and then at the end of the day been so emotionally drained from that one argument that I can’t do anything else but be happy that the argument is over, repair any hurt feelings, and then sleep a whole entire weekend. Like marriage is tiring and even though I would never trade this relationship for anything else in the world, its a full time job that is still super duper rewarding while at the same time frustrating af AND I never get paid tangible money for the work that I (or she) do but I still won’t quit which would literally be the definition of insanity if I were writing about any other thing. I have always been an emotionally controlled person, I don’t like to act without thinking, especially when it deals with people but I’ll be damned if this woman hasn’t pushed me to the edge and then back and then back to the edge and then over the cliff and then back again. Like I don’t think there has been a time in my life where I have gotten so emotional over anything anyone has to say or do. I cry, and I scream, and I get angry, I’m happy over nothing, I’m horny at random parts of the night because she moved weird, then I’m upset because she said something mean and then I feel so much better after we get everything back to normal but there is patching that has to be done to the relationship that isn’t damaged but we are both emotionally drained so we both have to chill and spend time with one another and then make love for two days straight and then Monday hits and I miss her all over again while at the same time needing a cup of tea because she also doesn’t like Monday mornings and gets snappy if she ain’t getting out of the door quick enough...mannnnn emotions are weird BUT like I said I wouldn’t trade any of this for anything in the world.

Here is something that I just discovered: if you have to cry, then fuck how it looks and fuck how you look doing it, cry!!! I just had to cry and I startled my cat and I know I looked absolutely hideous, but damn did it feel good. I feel way more level headed and less muddled as I did before, I feel a little more forgiving than I did a few hours ago. You know I have had to come to terms with the fact that there are some things that are out of your control and there are some things that are within your control and honey lemme tell you, the stuff that you can’t control then don’t try to control it (the second thing that I had to learn is marriage is a true battlefield and sometimes you will hurt and when you come out of whatever war y’all are in, the love that will eventually come back feels good but that is another post for another day). Like if someone (someone you really care about) gives you a reaction that hurts and is also a little selective of hearing when they’re angry, then let that be. Forgive, forget; let yourself heal from the hurt, forgive and learn your lessons (take your L’s) and slowly (and I mean fucking slow) begin to get to know that person, let them get to know you and in the process of getting to know one another, you will find yourself getting angry less at whatever they do and adapt your talking style to them so there will be a discussion and not screaming match. So once again, to forgive and move on, cry if you have to. Do what I did and do nothing all day, eat a whole bowl of homemade chili, read a book from Wattpad, do your financial budget, draw a little, program, ugly cry, let yourself heal and forgive and most importantly move on. If you hold on longer than you should to anger or hatred, bad juju whatever you wanna call it, those feelings will eat away at you and hurt you more than the person who originally did the hurting. You can’t control them and what they understand, but you sure as hell can control yourself and what you do. Okay, that’s it, rant over. Stay safe and know you are loved y’all. I’m still trying to be consistent but I have also accepted that I am an inconsistent bitch.