#thoughtsiguess

But oh well I'd rather have a bunch of random people scroll past it then talk about things with people I know sometimes.

I'm always setting myself up for disappointment. I can't even stop myself anymore. 

I miss my fantasy world where I was able to see the brighter side of things most of the time. Now I sit here thinking to myself this isn't going to get better, it's always going to get worse before it gets better. I miss when I was able to create some impossible things in my head just to give me hope. Things that wouldn't ever work out the way I wanted them to, but they gave me hope that things would get better.

I pull off this act to make people think things that aren't real at all. I'm great at faking smiles. I'm great at laughing along with jokes that make me want to cry. I can usually hold myself together so no one can see that I'm over-thinking. Like recently I was making myself have hope by thinking "things are great he likes me." and that went on way more then that. Only having the negative thoughts in the back of my head. Things like "it won't happen...(wordsimnotputtinghere) Yes, I thought about that too. But I liked being able to wake up and think, well even if things don't work perfectly I still have that glimpse of hope that they will. That hope was able to get me through my days. I'm not stupid. I know how reality works. Nothing will ever be like my fantasy worlds. Nothing will ever be easy. Life is hard, it's never fair. The best of people grow up with the shittiest lives. I know there are many many people who have had much worse of a life then I have. And there are people who are handed everything. I might have grown up a spoiled child for many years getting pretty much everything that I wanted, but I was also beat by my step-father for 8 years. And when I told people I was just a liar. I grew up around drugs. Ive done more hard drugs then people can imagine at a young age. I've hurt myself countless times to try and fix things. At first for the attention that I wasn't getting, but after that it became my escape from reality(Idon'tdothisanymorei'vefoudnbetterways) My father ditched me. My mother was an addict and countless more things that most people don't have to go through. After all of this I still think my life could be worse, that things could be worse then they already are. I know that there is a HUGE difference between my fantasy and the real world. I like my fantasy world better. It protects me from the hurt of the world. Sounds like I'm crazy but honestly it helps.