#thoughts death

I think I have one small problem, because one of my main thoughts since a while a go is dying. Mostly how scared I am of it. Like somethimes my brain just starts thinking of multiple scenarios of ways I could die in that particular setting that i am in. And no i don’t mean ways to kill my self, i would never ever do that. But I had this problem since I had 2 panic attacts. Don’t really want to go in that now, but I found out that I am just really scared to die. I don’t know why, maybe because there is no proper explanation about dying. What happends then? Nobody knows. Why does nobody know? Because no one came back to tell us. I know that there are people who can ‘talk to ghosts’ but that just does not make any sense. But why would it, and why does it have to make sense?

I don’t know. And I am really starting to think that i need answers. But how am i supposed to find answers? I thought about that maybe one of the many beliefs would have the answers but why would thay. A belief is there to give people hope, which helps in difficult situations. So that probably means that all of the beliefs are bullshit so this means that there are still no answers 

Nothing 

Suicide is one of those words that you just can't mention.  Bringing it up in conversation in relation to yourself immediately sends red flares and signals a sign above your head stating 'I can't deal with my problems in life - watch my every move because I NEED HELP'.  The words on that sign definitely may be true for some; their bringing up of the topic is their way of legitimately asking for help. But for others, myself included, it's just a thought that's being played around with, never actually to be done, but just fathomed and wondered about. Like wondering what it would be like to be famous or a professional athlete. The glitz, the glam, the exclusivity, the perks, etc. etc... Or thinking about what life would be like living in another country or socio-economic status. You're just thinking, wondering about the differences and making comparisons to how your life is now to what it would be like then.  Suicide as a thought. Can't it be just that?

I have thought about suicide many times in my [short] life starting in the 8th grade.  I had a horrible on and off boyfriend who I cared for waayyyy more than he cared for me.  Not only was I filled with that wonderful hormonal teenage angst (which hit me especially hard), every time we broke up I fell into a place of 'no one loves me, no one cares for me, it doesn't even matter if I exist'.  I would think of who I thought would miss me and mourn for me the most (pretty positive less than a dozen people came to mind).  I would think of how things would be easier for my mom since I was one less child to worry about. I would just think of the effects of my action. That's it. Just think. 

As I entered college, the thought of suicide came into my mind ever so often but never popped up as often, or intensely, as it did during my 8th grade year. Thinking about suicide became more of existential practice as I just wondered about death in general.  Death has been something that has always caught my attention.  I can remember being around 6 or 7 and asking my mom what she thought it was like to be dead. Naturally, she was horrified and told me not think about that (while I'm sure having a heart attack on the inside since her young daughter is thinking about death).  But for a good time before I turned 10 I always thought about what it may or may not feel like being dead. No one had died in my family. I didn't watch weird shows (that I consciously remember). But the topic of death entered my mind just to make me think. 

Those intense thoughts about suicide have now reappeared since graduating in 2011.  At my most depressed points, when I'm feeling the worst about myself and my situation, I've started to wonder but in a different way.  Beyond who, now, will miss or mourn me when I'm gone.  I wonder about who will find me, where they'll find me or even how I would do it (in the most painless way possible I've decided).  When thoughts about suicide have been so frequent in my mind why now do these questions come about? It's simple. It's because my future is a big wide gapping hole ready to be filled by my actions.  I no longer have expected actions to occur that give me glimmers of hope and change (attending highchool, attending college).  Now my actions are in my hands and my hands alone. No one can tell me which way to go. I can only find that for myself. So that great unknown which is my future needs to be found. But only by me.

The thought of suicide has become a thought of relief. Relief from my worries and pains. Relief from having to deal with the issues that I have created for myself through my depression. Relief from everything because it would be an escape. Into that area that I wondered so much about as a child.  Maybe it'll be freeing.  Maybe it'll feel good. Maybe I'll be better there and finally be able to free from this horrible frozen existence.

So I sit in my car and look at the sky and feel my mind, body and soul take one step closer to that ledge. And I cry and I cry and I cry.  Because I'm so desperate for a way out now that I've allowed myself to think about making that very real decision to end what I have here on this Earth. And I think.

Once I get back to my room and wake from a long self induced coma the thought still resinates but I come back to knowing I could never pull the trigger and do something to myself of that degree. So I have to deal with my issues and all that I've created here. 

When I was over at my grandmother's house one day I noticed a funeral pamphlet...I mean I see those a lot when I'm there and it just makes me think that one day that's how my(our) life will be someday...being completely aware of death and noticing how mortal we really are...seeing every one I knew since childhood passing away.  And the weird part is, I probably won't shed a tear and go on about my life as if nothing happened. Not because I don't truly care for people, just because it's normal around that age.