I don’t know what it is that he likes about me. What about me that he finds attractive. It scares me. It makes me think that I’m crazy. That I’m feeling a connection that isn’t really there. But the eye contact between us makes me feel something very different. I feel exposed when he looks at me. Like he is looking through me and into me in a way that no man has before. I feel naked in those moments. But the not knowing is frustrating. All of the things that I know to look at as signs of attraction, he does not do. He doesn’t kiss me. He doesn’t touch me. He doesn’t compliment me, he doesn’t call me. These are all the things that tell me he has no interest in me beyond what I can do for him. But he listens to me. He cares a lot about what impression of him I have. He pays attention to my mannerisms and responses. So much so that he knows when I am about to come before it happens. Am I crazy? Am I falling in love with someone who does not love me? Does he have to love me for me to love him? Where can this really go? I see the fragileness in him. I see the person that has been beaten by life. I just want to be a safe place for him. That is not entirely true. That’s not just want I want to be but it is very important to me. I want him to know that he is safe with me. I want him to know that I would never try to hurt him. I hope sincerely that he would never try to hurt me. I must be crazy. I have to be to feel this way about someone who knows everyone genetically close to me. Someone who has seen me at so many stages of life. Someone who has seen so many ranges of emotions in me. Am I seeing what I want to see? I have to question myself because I know that I tend to attach myself to people simply because we have been intimate. Is that what I’m doing? I honestly don’t know. I have trusted him so deeply that the first glimpse of betrayal felt like a full heartbreak. I cried from deep within my spirit from what felt like actual pain. Something that many would look at as an extreme overreaction. But it was a genuine emotion. I want to tell him all of this. I want to tell him everything but fear is keeping me from bearing my whole soul. How can I tell him anything without knowing how he feels. I don’t even know what he likes about me. I don’t even know if he finds me attractive. And that scares me.
