#thoughtfulmixtape

Yes, every single time that happens, it cuts you deeper.

Take that risk over and over. 

I wonder how you do it, no matter what you've done to me since our break-up five months ago I still can't seem to find it in my heart to hate you, or stop all connections with you. My heart wants to walk away so badly, I just don't know what is stopping me in my tracks ; and that bloody annoys me. Even when I have a 1001 reasons to walk away, I still wouldn't.

Screw it. Exactly like how Rihanna puts it, "I hate that I love you." I'm still frantically trying to figure out what is this spell that you have on me, that doesn't even allow me the option of considering ever falling for someone else. I admit it, even know, whenever you talk to me, it puts me in bliss and I can't experience the same whenever I'm talking to someone else. Trust me, I've tried a million times, I've said yes countless times whenever someone asks me out and he seems like a nice person. It doesn't matter, I can have the most fabulous dinner, with a total gentleman of a guy out on a date, I still find myself not being there. Get this, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that gentleman either. Chivalry, check. I feel guilty at the very most to not feel a thing.

As much as I don't want to, it is crystal clear in my memory, each and every detail of the times we were together. The little things you do, just you being you was the main reason I fell so hard for you in the first place. Up to today, I still get butterflies whenever I recollect those memories.

Hearing you confess over Skype today, did made my day though I'm still denying that it did. Hey, a girl has got to have some ego right? After the whole break-up thing. duh. You said you'll come back for me. One thing though, I hate that girl you're with, hate that she's in my place now. Though you tell me she can't compare to me, it fucking poaches my heart that she gets to act like she's your girlfriend and stuff. That's where the whole "just friends" will never happen. The whole "just friends" thing fucks even the strongest long-distance relationships.

I wanna believe everything that you said, I love you so much, but I'm not that gullible enough to believe them. I'm sick of all these false hope, I'm sick of wishing you would turn around. Sick of the tears, sick of the emptiness, that I'll know I'll someday get over with. No doubt, you'll always have a spot in my heart but that doesn't guarantee that it'll come easy for you. In fact, I'll make it even harder for you to fight for it. Don't just say it, but actually fight for it. Please just save me the pain.