#thoughtcreature stuff

on a quandary between being "we" vs. being "i": why is there no third option. both will do for now. but only because neither do at all.

on the shapeshiftering: well we left the realm of the tangible for a while, but might be back now. who knows. every time i try to catch my identity it adapts to slip the trap! aha! but there is fun in slipping the bonds my captor has set, yes. so we continue to play this game of course. it is all we know

so funny that we were reading this book for work and the author starts one of the chapters with an LSD trip for a research study . and as he is describing the experience right. and we are like

wait. minus the hallucinations that's how i feel. that's how we feel. that's how we are. this guy gets it

chat what the fuck

this is also made funnier by the fact that every psych med we've been put on to date has had absolutely no psychological effects, or (occasionally) not the intended ones

we have.

ok so normal mental breakdown right. right. and beforehand (it was one of those ones that is easier to see coming). beforehand we had split our consciousness into two so we could really hash it out. basically so our friend that we were talking to and also i (the offshoot consciousness/secondary/auxiliary one) could attack the problem from two sides at once right?

so basically i (the root consciousness/primary/main one) got quite, uh, distressed. yk how you just sorta make yourself small when you get overwhelmed. it was like that! but instead of just that, the secondary *took over*. usually auxiliary ones only last 30 minutes, maybe an hour at most. nope! so suddenly there were like actually really really distinctly two of us and the main one was not the one piloting everything which was so weird. weird as fuck even.

so we remember everything from both sides but mainly from the auxiliary perspective since i as the primary was taking a break in the subconscious or wherever the hell that was. and oh my god.

have you ever been a background process that gained sentience for a day.

have you ever known you were living on borrowed time like a goddamn rover on mars.

have you ever felt the hope of literally having come into existence yesterday and knowing that you probably won't see tomorrow but wanting to fulfill what you were made for

holy shit it was a philosopher's wet dream probably. but yk i as the secondary really was different than the whole usually is. a lot of latent traits got expressed very strongly and somehow i (secondary) got hold of some very strong beliefs about ourself and about what it means to not be perfect but still be good.

and so. when we came back together. those stayed. they kept existing. they got folded back into the whole. somehow we put a piece of ourself out there and it came back changed and grown by just having been there at all. and now there's more there. the auxiliary was so sure of us as a whole and had so much hope and love and it was always as much me as the primary but now i (whole) have changed

and you know, with one of us on a break and one of us being seemingly shielded from a lot of what's plagued our mind recently, it was nice to have a day where the bad stuff didn't get to grip us so tight.

weirdest split ever.

TL;DR still barking but can talk now too.

so we went to therapy this morning as per Monday usual and ok. our therapist is very cool and awesome shoutout to her. she just fuckin rolled with it. but she was quite confused.

we had to do the whole session with us writing in one of the several notebooks we carry for various purposes. anyway. so she's gonna talk to her supervisor. (guys we won therapy)

we just got our regular voice back like an hour and a half ago? but we are also barking. barking barking hehehe :03 she said we could do it as much as we wanted :03 so we are kind of enjoying it now that we can talk!! it feels good actually.

shapeshifter-wise we are obviously still dog. cool dog. but we looked in a pool of water earlier (internally) and saw a nice lookin fish staring up at us so maybe that's next? kinda enjoying the idea of being a flat fuck fish. but still dog for now. sand dog aourf :03 awof! awofwoof!! barkbarkbark!!!!!

-this bunny hat we have reduces barking by a lot for some reason when we put it on (armor equipped, debuff reduced)

-when you google "can't stop barking" it assumes you're talking about a dog and not your own shapeshifter ass

-friends become concerned when you tell them you can't talk, can only bark, then proceed to demonstrate in a discord voice chat

except that we're also kinda. not. like yes we use the label and yes we identify with a gender experience that doesn't fit with the body that we were born in, but...

the body we were born in will never match how we feel inside. ever. and if that were to happen, if the stars aligned and everyone perceived us exactly how we are at each moment- they would find that a gender isn't really compatible with our framework. we have said that if we were to label ourself then we would probably use both agender and omnigender to refer to ourself.

to assign us a gender internally would be the same as assigning a pile of leaves a gender. one leaf may feel more feminine or masculine or something else than another leaf, and additionally that could be a completely different perspective from another person's view of it. we're a cluster of concepts. gender is not inherent to that, but if there is, it is a matter of perception.

we have masculinity in us. we have femininity in us. we have god knows what else in us. the way that our mind works is that everything is an experience. we have attempted to do that "inner monologue" thing before, but we end up knowing what it will say before it says it. we are as much the taste of a raspberry as we are a boy.

no, we're not cisgender, but the only reason we say we're transgender is that the label is a bit closer to our lived experience. really we don't understand gender and probably never will, because we're not an entity that is really compatible with the idea.

it's the same with a lot of labels- they just don't make sense to apply. nonbinary? ....what the hell is on a binary here? how do you put a conceptual clusterfuck on a binary? it just makes more sense to people so we make concessions to the vast gap of imprecision that communication creates. like we know we're not a girl or a boy (at least not solely) so we call ourself nonbinary. but really we'd prefer to eschew it altogether. or only use negative definitions like how we're not singular and not plural. or how we're not human.

about us! we are ... (what are we again? oh yeah!) we're a collection of small tiny little conceptual pieces that share a consciousness. we are also a shapeshifter! we like to say that a million faces can only look through a window a few at a time. it's a temporal thing; we notice a shift in representation about once a week or so. temporal metashapeshifter and thoughtcreature. a being of pure concept and all that. someday we'd like to become a curator of cognitive thought. we are everything we have once been, and have died a thousand deaths only to stay alive.

enough about that. we are a psychology student at an undisclosed college location. we like tally hall and will wood and lemon demon and corru.observer and a lot of other things!!!!!!! it's so cool so cool we are so normal about our interests over here. we are cool w asks and that sort of thing

what is folkdelta and why do you post about it so much?

folkdelta is our extended story universe and it has aliens and transhumanism and themes of personhood/what life means we guess. we think it's p cool.

the discord server link (open to non folkdelters even though that's lame)

what are you called?

Excellent Fucking Question uh we have some names in rotation but you can call us tally because that's our permanent online name. if you wanna know all the other ones we can tell you but there's a lot so they're not going here aha