#thought.is

Before you heal, it may get worse for a while. When you wake up to the empty space in your bed, when you start to feel his absence in your daily activities, when you miss him so bad and the truth sinks in that he’s gone forever — breathe and remember it will pass. It’s not easy to let go. I know. Letting go of him means letting go of everything you have known and loved for so long. When you’re so used to him that you cannot picture yourself anymore with anyone else, how can it be easy? But darling, it will get better. Breathe and let go, one day at a time. You may not believe me now but you’re going to get through this. You may fall apart at the mere mention of his name, cringe in pain when a song comes on the radio, break down when you find his old pair of socks in a corner of your closet or his pictures on your cellphone, and so on. These little things may break you all over again and convince you that you can never heal. But darling, trust me you will. One day you’re going to wake up and find that you don’t care anymore. So please try to make it easier for yourself and let go of the little hope you have that he might come back. Stop looking him up time and again on social networks, at the cost of opening up old wounds. Stop waiting for a text, a call or a knock on the door, ever ready to forgive. Until you let go of this toxic madness you will find yourself running in circles, unable to move forward. Just breathe and hang on, a little while more. I know you constantly wonder about what went wrong and why he changed. You wonder if it was you and the fact that you love too much, too hard. But darling, that isn’t true. It’s not a bad thing to love in black and white. Love was never made for grey anyway. He just wasn’t right for you. If he was, you wouldn’t have had to beg for his love or affection. If he was, you wouldn’t have stayed up most of your nights crying your eyes out. And if he was right for you, he would have stayed. So let go. He’s not the one. Have faith. And just breathe. Let time do the healing.

They say that sometimes change is necessary, And sometimes you will not like it; Will not expect it. Sometimes life will totally blindside you. Everything is fine; everything is okay, then BAM; Everything is shattered. Instinctively you fall to the ground with it all; Become part of the rubble. You try and pick up all the broken pieces, Place them back together in the same sequence you knew before; Painstakingly, until you realize, you are part of a different puzzle now. The pieces on the ground won’t fit together as nicely as you remembered; No matter how hard you try. Part of you will want to keep trying, Keep holding on to what worked before. But another part will know better. You are not part of the rubble. The wind may have shattered everything you knew, But stand up, See for yourself, You are still whole, You are still alive, And that is all that matters. Go ahead, pick up whatever you can carry, but don’t strain yourself. Pick up the pieces you still want, And walk away. You’re a survivor. And you’ll keep surviving, just as long as you keep living. And you’ll be blindsided again and again. But don’t worry. You’ll get stronger with every blow and one day you won’t fall. This is life and you’ve got to keep going.

What if ten years from now, I run into you in a cafe? My heart races and my palms sweat, I am overwhelmed by everything I wanted to say to you, the words never make it to my tongue. Your hair is longer than you’ve ever worn it before and you’re vegan now. But you still drink your coffee in gulps of three and you still bite your lip when you’re deep in thought and your eyes still narrow down to slits when you smile. What if ten years from now, I run into you in a cafe? I tell you that I have a drawer full of postcards I wrote to you from every place I went to, and that I’ve saved ticket stubs from all our metro rides, and that everyday for the last 10 years, I’ve been sighing over my morning brew because the coffee never makes me feel as heady as the taste of your cappuccino stained lips from that last breakfast before we said goodbye. What if ten years from now, I run into you in a cafe? You say that you still dream of me sometimes, that happiness is simply a kind of decision and that no complication we’d ever come across compares to that of not being with each other. What if ten years from now, I run into you in a cafe? This time, would I ask you to stay? And if I do, would you?

I don’t want to be the one you call when you’re stumbling home from the bar and want to fall into a warm body.

I don’t want to be the person you text when you need a date for the night, someone to stand next to, someone to fit the part.

I don’t want to be the hand that rubs your back and comforts you to sleep when it’s 3AM and you’re feeling vulnerable.

I don’t want to be the voice at the other end of the telephone when you just need someone to listen because she doesn’t answer anymore.

I don’t want to be your second best, your for-the-time-being, your parachute, breaking your fall. I don’t want you to be the girl you need, but don’t really want. The one who covers over the empty spaces in your heart but doesn’t fill them.

I don’t want to be the one you lie to, and make promises you can’t keep.

I don’t want to be the one you use to pretend you’re not still missing her.

I don’t want to be the one you love just because you’re lonely. Because that’s not love at all.

You’re wasting time with me. You’re milling about, acting like the bruises don’t ache. You’re looking at me, but only seeing her. You’re wishing for love, but knowing you’re not ready to find it with anyone else. You’re trying to have me fill this giant hole in your heart, but I can’t. I won’t.

I cannot be the girl whose hands only remind you of her touch.

I cannot be the girl whose eyes are too brown and not enough blue.

I cannot be the girl whose laugh doesn’t make your heart catch.

I cannot be the girl you look at but don’t see.

I cannot, and do not wish to ever be the girl you love when you’re lonely. Because you don’t love me, you’re just using what we have to cover over your pain. You’re wishing away the loss of her in my arms. You’re kissing me and still tasting her. You’re pretending my touch will heal. But I can’t heal you. Only time will heal you.

And I don’t deserve someone who only loves me for what I can give, only loves me for what I can fill, only loves me to forget.

To the girls who have loved someone who didn’t deserve them, I salute you for your very act of loving. For having the power to love the people who can’t love you the way you deserve to be loved. I salute you because even when it hurts like hell, you still choose to stay. I salute you for your belief that people can change. That maybe one day, he would realize just how important you are. That one morning, he will see all your efforts and appreciate it. That a time will come and he will take into consideration all the emotions you invested in him. That one special moment, he would simply decide to reciprocate the love you deserve. I salute you for giving so much more than what you are receiving. I salute you because you’ve been used and yet you choose to forgive. You’ve been hurt yet you choose to heal. You’ve been taken for granted yet you choose to exert effort beyond comprehension. I salute you because no matter how wounded your soul is, no matter how damaged your heart is, you always choose love. You always choose to learn, forget and move forward. You still choose to accept the pain, overcome it and let go. I salute you because after all, loving is never easy. Loving can be scary. Loving can be tortuous. Loving can be distasteful. But you still choose to see love for all its fascinating attributes. You still choose to love, and not just love the easy people, or the people who can give you the world. You didn’t love the right people, you loved all the wrong ones and that reflects nothing but total bravery.

I want my life to be full of unimaginable people. I want my days filled with the type of people who make me see the beauty of the world. I want adventurous people, the ones who chase sunsets, and let the fire within them rage. I want people who don’t see the world the same way I do, the people who have the ability to make me question everything I always thought was true. I want late night conversations and early morning coffee dates. I want to surround myself with the people who see the kindness in the world, the people with soft hearts, and forgiving souls. I want the people who push me to become a better person. People who see my humanity, and forgive my selfishness. I want to be surrounded by the people who stand up every time they fall. Who fight like hell to survive, the ones who never give up in the face of tough times. I want to be with the people who see light even throughout the darkness, who appreciate the how the night sky allows the stars to shine. I want the authentic kind of people in my life. I want people who are real. These are the type of people I want in my life. These are they kinds of people I need in my life. Because you see, these are my type of people.

To the best friend I lost, As this new year begins, I want you to know that I love you. No matter how far we both have drifted away, I will always care for you. We don’t talk to each other like we used to but I still value you. You will not be forgotten. People say that losing your lover is the worst heartbreak ever. But losing a best friend hurts just the same. It shatters your heart in a different way. Distance came between us and other people lingered in to fill the spaces. We both thought we were busy and ego played its part while secretly wishing for the other to reach out. Many a times did I feel betrayed and angry. But I want you to know that I will never forget how special you made me feel. I will never forget the times when you held my hand and believed in me. The torn thread of friendship may not be grieved upon anymore but will definitely strike me hard when I am reminded. When I see your photo with someone new my heart aches because now I don’t get to know you. I don’t get to hear the laughter, have those sleepovers and the late night phone calls with incessant chattering. I just miss you, that all. You were my shoulder. You were my person. And, no matter how much we move on, a part of me will never stop missing you. I will always be thankful for every time you stood up for me, for every tear turned into smile and mostly for being you, my best friend, my home. And even though we are now strangers now, ours are memories I will always cherish and never trade for the world. I will always appreciate you.