#thiswaspointless

I have come to pray in the form of text and shouting into the internet’s crowded streets where nearly no one knows me. I have, of late, been very confused on nearly every front of my life. Why am I alive? quite literally, I do not understand why I “exist”. The best answer I have come up with is that there is no reason and that things just “are”. There is no purpose. It is simply how all the energy and matter and stuff has happened to collide and interact. I would be ok with this if it weren’t for the fact that I don’t know what to do. Ok, I’m alive, but what the hell do I do with this. I’m trying to think of an analogy like “if someone were to give you a ball for no reason what would you do with it” but it’s even more simple than that. We aren’t even given existence. It just is. So what the fuck do I do? I could lay in some grass and meditate, live in a trailer park, become a business man, kill a person, go buy a pen and chuck it at someone, fuck a rhino, write a history book, save millions of children, I could do whatever I wanted and in the end it would all be the same. This isn’t even well written or a good explanation of what I’m trying to let out, but I’m going to post it anyway because I made it and I want to and I guess as a wrap up we can do whatever we want so swag. 

Like, to know honestly in my heart that one or two people maybe look at me different than anyone else. I want to actually be able to reassure myself that someone loves me and thinks that I'm different, therefore they treat me a little differently than they would treat someone else. I don't know if this is selfish or what, but I really want that. Someone who thinks of making plans with me all the time and actually does it. Someone who wants to be with me more than anything else. Someone who wants to be my friend. Like, really wants to. I'm not very good at making or keeping friends because pretty much everyone leaves or becomes distant with me, so I don't know. It'd be really nice to feel really loved and special and cared for for once. I hate being replaced or knowing that ill never be something for someone. I really just want someone that puts me first for a change. I hate feeling anything.

Devin:...noo

and I didnt

I titled my head back so the nasal spray would actually get up in my nostril. And it's a fucking flood now. And it fucking burns.