lexišø//16š//lover of pigsš·//occasionally reads a bookš//clarinet playerš¼//class of 2018š
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lexišø//16š//lover of pigsš·//occasionally reads a bookš//clarinet playerš¼//class of 2018š

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Hello Universe,
God, Allah, Jah, Shiva, Vishnu, Krishna, The Great Void, The Internet(lol)
I have come to pray in the form of text and shouting into the internetās crowded streets where nearly no one knows me. I have, of late, been very confused on nearly every front of my life. Why am I alive? quite literally, I do not understand why IĀ āexistā. The best answer I have come up with is that there is no reason and that things justĀ āareā. There is no purpose. It is simply how all the energy and matter and stuff has happened to collide and interact. I would be ok with this if it werenāt for the fact that I donāt know what to do. Ok, Iām alive, but what the hell do I do with this. Iām trying to think of an analogy likeĀ āif someone were to give you a ball for no reason what would you do with itā but itās even more simple than that. We arenāt even given existence. It just is. So what the fuck do I do? I could lay in some grass and meditate, live in a trailer park, become a business man, kill a person, go buy a pen and chuck it at someone, fuck a rhino, write a history book, save millions of children, I could do whatever I wanted and in the end it would all be the same. This isnāt even well written or a good explanation of what Iām trying to let out, but Iām going to post it anyway because I made it and I want to and I guess as a wrap up we can do whatever we want so swag.Ā
I kind of want to feel special for once
Like, to know honestly in my heart that one or two people maybe look at me different than anyone else. I want to actually be able to reassure myself that someone loves me and thinks that I'm different, therefore they treat me a little differently than they would treat someone else. I don't know if this is selfish or what, but I really want that. Someone who thinks of making plans with me all the time and actually does it. Someone who wants to be with me more than anything else. Someone who wants to be my friend. Like, really wants to. I'm not very good at making or keeping friends because pretty much everyone leaves or becomes distant with me, so I don't know. It'd be really nice to feel really loved and special and cared for for once. I hate being replaced or knowing that ill never be something for someone. I really just want someone that puts me first for a change. I hate feeling anything.
SO THIS GUY WAS TALKING TO ME AND HE HAS A ZILLION SKULL TATTOOS BUT
Devin: Oh yeah, you should check out my new tattoo.
Me: oh? Well, please don't say it's another skull one.
Devin:...noo
so today I went to this temple and like there were kids running everywhere and I was being awkward a f with my sister and I decided this isn't going to work out I'm not going to make friendsĀ
and I didnt

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omg wow. I ordered two books from Amazon yesterday and they already arrived! Wow, I am actually really impressed. I didnāt even get express shipping or anything. C:
FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUU
I titled my head back so the nasal spray would actually get up in my nostril. And it's a fucking flood now. And it fucking burns.Ā