#thisshitreallyhappened

           As far as relationships go ours was perfect. We were the classic, cliché, disgustingly adorable couple. Our first official date was Easter day, I was supposed to go with my mom and stepdad to his family’s house but one of his young cousins had a crush on me and I found a way to spend time with Chris, so I ended up in Denver instead of Eastern Colorado. I left my car at his house and we went on a series of adventures. The first thing he said when I got into the car was “I got you a present, look in the back seat.” Right behind me was a stuffed monkey almost the size of me. My whole life I’ve been obsessed with giant stuffed animals, and no one has ever thought to get me one, no one ever really heard me when I talked about how much I loved them, but Chris did after one mention.  This monkey used to be his merch monkey, he'd wear the shirts at the merch table, but he had a new animal now and knew how much I wanted a giant stuffed animal.  I spent the incredibly warm day hugging a giant monkey in Chris’s car. It was way too hot but I was too happy to let it go. Upon his mothers advice of what to do for the day, a strange thought looking back.  He brought a bunch of candy and a blanket and we went to the lake by his house and had a picnic, I remember my mom texting me a joke about using protection, he took my phone and assured her he was going to take good care of me and he wasn’t that kind of guy, he looked at me and said, “Don’t worry, I'm going to marry the fuck out of you.” 3 days into dating and that wasn’t weird for us, we hadn’t said it, but we were in love. We spent the rest of the day in the mountains, going to Lookout and throwing rocks, kissing, giggling, just fucking around. It felt like the most difficult thing on the planet when I finally had to go home. I never wanted to be away from his side. It was only in the next week when we told each other we loved each other. We were in my basement watching TV and making out, he pulled back from kissing me and whispered “I love you.” No question, I said it back.  I have never felt more beautiful than I did under his fingertips, swimming in his eyes.  Never have I felt more like a diamond than I did when he looked at me.  I’ve hated my body all my life, but I felt so safe with him, I felt like I was a goddess. Taking off my shirt wasn’t scary to me with him, feeling his hands on my ribs, shoulders, hips, collarbones, was like electricity. It was more than sexual, it was spiritual, soulful. I was on his lap and I pulled back to smile at him and he held me there, he traced my sides, my collarbones, my neckline, every curve of my body. I managed to ask what he was doing, without looking away from where his fingers were, he responded, “I'm observing.” I muttered some response in agreement and let his hands feel and just lost myself in the feeling of him here with me, surrounding me. My mom was upstairs making dinner, she texted me, letting me know it was ready.  We both slowly gathered our composure, replaced the clothes that had left our bodies. He changed into pajama pants and started laughing, "You know, putting ON pants is the last thing I want to be doing with you." I smiled, my virginity was something he could gladly take from me.  After that, the nights he was at my house came so often that they blur together now.  In the beginning I stayed at his house as much he did at mine, we practically lived together. But when things started to go south with his family, it came to him only staying over when he could get away with it.  I long for the days when I was happy and things were simple with me and Chris.

It's amazing to look back and see the girl I once was, and compare her to the one I am now, you wouldn’t even know I'm the same person.  I was once surrounded by friends, trusted, loved, and important to a lot of people. I had people fight over who was my best friend, people look upon me with jealousy of the 'wild' life I lived, friends asking how I always had guys interested in me, never a dull moment. Now I'm closed off, no one is my best friend, I hardly even have close friends, and no one, wants to be me, not anymore.  Reading that seems like I was simply humbled, the problem is, I didn’t even know what I had, until I didn’t have it anymore. I wasn’t cocky or selfish when I had it all, I wasn’t even aware I had it all.  I took it for granted.  Allow me to backtrack for clarification.  After me and Chris hit it off there was endless talking, getting to know each other, flirting.  We'd hangout at shows, sometimes outside of them, but nothing happened for a long time because he recently turned 20 and I was 16, almost 17.  The band had a pact that they wouldn’t date under 18 because one of them had a thing for under-aged girls, he was 23, this was bad for their image so they couldn’t have two of them dating younger.  I understood this, but we both knew we were interested in each other. Prior to my meeting Chris, I dated Dalton, the classic long-haired, clad in black, quiet-and-mysterious, bad-boy type.  All the girls wanted him, a few got him before me, but I'm the one he broke hearts for.  He caused a lot of bad decisions on my part, and we ended in a burst of flames.  When I met Chris, I had gotten through my brief heartbreak over Dalton and had him crawling back to me, but I had found a better option.  Dalton wanted me back, I wanted affection, I wanted Chris more, but if I couldn’t have him yet, I could use Dalton to pass the time.  I talked in length about our options with Chris and we came to the conclusion that we'd have to wait, he knew that I had other options, but that he was my first.  I took Dalton back, mostly because I was bored, which was why it didn’t hurt that he cheated on me.  Even while dating Dalton I was always talking to Chris, which drove Dalton crazy, that and I wouldn’t sleep with him. In the end the combination is why he cheated on me, which is when I dumped his sorry ass in the most satisfying way, and continued on with my life. Chris was furious when he found out Dalton cheated on me, he said it was his loss because 'he doesn’t realize the value of diamonds when they're in his hands'. This was not long before my 17th birthday, I'd been telling Kayla for ages that I wanted Chris to come up and kidnap me for my birthday, but she kept telling me he couldn’t come.  I didn’t get my hopes up, thinking she was telling me the truth, until the end of the day when I was cleaning up the classroom I aided in and a horde of my friends came in with smirks and their cameras rolling. I stood confused until he walked in, screaming I ran and jumped on him, he picked me up and spun me.  The rest of the day was easily the best birthday I've ever had.  A bunch of us piled into my car and we just drove around, dropping people off, listening to Chris excitedly DJ with my aux cord.  I don’t know when I fell in love with him but I know I don’t remember ever being as happy as I was that day.  My friend Corbin was in the car, and I remember him just looking at me and saying, "You look so happy!" never having seen true happiness on me before.  After everyone was taken home we went to my elementary school playground, we just played in the dark and swung until our friend Nicole, who had something for Chris, met us there. We talked for a while but soon went back to my house because Chris had never seen Mean Girls.  Back at my house we put in the movie and cuddled on the couch. He gave me my present, I never asked for anything but him. While I didn’t get to keep it, it was still amazing. I got to look through all of his lyrics for songs he'd been writing, something I'd wanted to do since I found out this folder existed and something he didn’t let others do. After I read them all, discovering that many quotes from me and about me were featured, including the one about the value of diamonds, I promptly passed out on his chest.  I awoke to him laughing at the movie, and watched the end with him, as much as I wanted to kiss him that night, I didn’t have the guts, and he resisted his own urge to do the same.  But as soon as he left we were texting about how much we just wanted to be together. For the next three days we discussed in detail the pros and cons of it and eventually couldn’t take it anymore, neither of us could stand the thought of being with someone else. The first words out of my mouth the next morning were directed at my mom when she woke me up; "guess who's dating Chris?!" It was the start of a crazy, bittersweet, life-altering time in my story.

It wasn't like one day I heard a song, fell in love, and became obsessed or anything, no, I met them when they played at my school. Shameless isn't your ordinary band, but in order to tell you why they're so special I have to give away who they really are, and therefore, giving me away. So you'll just have to trust me.  Meeting them sent me spinning into constant concert-going, a habit that has yet to be broken. While music is my ongoing love affair throughout this story, the biggest was me and a member of Project Majesty, a fellow local band, like Shameless, but we'll get to that later. Shameless has brought me into a lot of peoples' lives and a lot of people into mine. In the beginning things were fairly calm, no major issues, just a few people annoyed with my groups' initial fangirly ways. As the fans from other bands seeped into our world, and we seeped into theirs, more friends were made, and for a while, we all got along splendidly, all of us forming a giant group that hung out together at shows, and made giant plans together.  It seemed as if everything was going perfectly fine until I actually started dating Chris.  Everything interesting in my life started the night I met him. I was working merch for Shameless at a show they played with Chris's band. I knew I was in trouble the moment I saw him up on that stage, from that night on we were always in contact. The next time I saw him was another Shameless show a couple weeks later, over Facebook he kept asking me to come because he was going to support them.  The whole trip to the show I was nervous beyond belief, not sure how to act around him, unsure if he liked me like I liked him. When I got to the show I found the one friend I knew was going at the front of the stage and joined her, immediately forgetting my worry about Chris's presence.  I was happily singing and dancing along with Shameless when I felt eyes on me from somewhere else in the crowd, I glanced to my left, immediately spotting Chris staring at me, he smiled and waved, I waved back and went back to watching the show.  A few seconds later I was startled by someone's hand on my back, turning around to find Chris smiling at me, he opened his arms for a hug, which I gladly took and asked how I was in my ear, I pulled back and mouthed 'good' at him. We both went back to watching the show, him staying behind me while the rest of the set played through.  I felt like he kept looking at me but I didn’t know why, there was no way someone like him would be into me.  I went into the other room to check my phone, which was charging behind merch, I had one notification, a Facebook message; from Chris.  It read "So I'm too shy to tell you this in person but I think you're beautiful and I have a mad crush on you."  So I was wrong, this insanely out of my league guy liked me, maybe I had a chance after all.  I spent the whole rest of the night talking to him, among other people, but soon enough his friends were dragging him towards the door, I handed him his jacket, which was hiding behind merch with my things, but before I could get too far, he leaned towards me and said, "You know, I'm a sore loser. So if I gave you my number would you text me?" Grinning and nodding I handed him my phone to input his number into.  His friends ushered him out the door and I went back to my station behind merch.  Waiting a few minutes so as not to seem too eager, I texted him so he would have my number. Feeling confident I teased him about leaving too early, now neither of us would have a good New Years Kiss. Surprisingly he flirted back, saying he wished he'd stayed. Until many months later, there was hardly a day where we didn’t talk, often far too late into the night. But now? Nothing but radio silence.