#thisprobablysucks

In which Reagan never interrupted that precious scene of Cath and Levi after they finished ‘The Outsiders’  before Levi had to screw everything up in the next chapter. This may be horrible, and I suck at Levi’s personality, because I’m not a bubbly person, and also some parts (like Wren talking in her sleep) I made up because not that much info is given to us, but enjoy!

Also this is starting from a scene in ‘Fangirl’, and all characters are of course from the lovely Rainbow Rowell!

                                                   ~

Cath had been in quite a few precarious positions waking up into during her short duration of life she had been allowed so far. You don’t get normal mornings living with a twin sister who tends to be so outgoing, she transfers that energy into her sleep.

    By talking in her sleep.

Or having a father, one who you so love but desperately wish would go to sleep rather than stay up during the night and question if one could put a fireman’s pole through you and your twins room in order for a quicker way to the bathroom. 

    All in the name of efficiency.

This was how it had been for too many years to count, since Cath’s mother walked out on them when they were merely eight, because she quote, ‘Needed to figure things out’ and didn’t know how to be a mother. Cath thought that was a load of rubbish. What mother has twins, surrounds them with love, (not as much as their father) and then just decides that she’s had enough when their in third grade, when they needed a motherly figure then more than ever to lean on.  

    Cath was still angry at her sister Wren for speaking to their mother again, but that isn’t why she woke up.

If you asked Cath, she would probably recall the last things before she went to bed that night in her shared dorm with Reagan would go along the lines of something like this;

    Brushing her teeth earlier that night, so not to disturb herself while writing.

    Eating a Blueberry bliss energy bar because she was hungry gosh darn it.

    Getting a decent amount of Baz and Simon fanfic written since they were getting to the good part (all the parts were good to Cath, but some were just a notch or two higher than others).

    Falling asleep writing said Baz and Simon fanfic because everyone knows a laptop keyboard is as comfortable as a pillow (well maybe a wooden one, or one with all those weird feathers in it that people slept on during the 1900s.)

    This routine to Cath was becoming as normal as waking up to Wren talking about her latest boyfriend that she getting ready to dump (Alex, or Alfred?) in her sleep. Not that anyone could take her sister’s place. Reagan was barely in the room to count as a roommate, and when she was asleep she was practically a rock, making no noise until she woke up, and then the dam broke (not a literal dam, though with how hard she opened their door, Cath wouldn’t be surprised to hear about one breaking down from the shockwaves).

    So the fact that she not only heard someone in their room, but that said person was currently encompassing her in their arm, she was a little more than surprised, and also to be completely honest, freaked out. 

    It’s okay, calm down, just...recite the facts of last night, then if they lead to something disastrous I have permission to freak out.

     Cath thought this was a good plan, since she usually freaked out in her head, and no one seemed to notice, well, except Wren, but she wasn’t here at the moment, and they weren’t on speaking terms since she didn’t come back for Thanksgiving, but instead staying the day with Wren’s backstabbing mom. Their mom in reality, but Cath didn’t like to think of her like that, she didn’t deserve the title of it. 

    She lost that when she never came back. 

Inhaling a scent different from her own, one of cigars and a hint of coffee, brought her back to reality, and resumed the pounding in her chest and tingling in her limbs from being caught up in someone else’s body parts during the night. 

    Oh god, thought Cath, trying to remember the night before. She had a hint of Gingerbread Mocha in the back of her mouth, and a Blueberry Bliss Energy Bar flavour on the tip of her tongue. 

    That can’t be right, I haven’t had one of those since before Thanksgiving, Levi ate them all. 

    Levi.

    Oh god.

Cath immediately remembers the late night session of ‘The Outsiders’ that Cath read to Levi as a thank you for… well, everything he’s done. And also because Reagan was out again partying, and forgot she promised Levi the study session so he wouldn’t fail his Lit. Class exam on the book. Cath thought maybe Levi was dyslexia, but didn’t they get diagnosed before the age of College? Cath didn’t know, and she did care, but two things popped into her mind before that strand of thought could harbor any more room in her mind. 

    Levi is in my bed.

    I’m sleeping with Reagan’s maybe boyfriend.

    Reagan could come home at any time,

    Shit.

Okay, make that three thoughts. 

    The last two were obvious encouragement to what she was supposed to do, which was to get out of the bed, her bed, and wake up Levi. Or maybe she could just leave him here and go get a coffee at Starbucks and come back feigning that nothing happened, because nothing did happen. 

     But there were two things wrong with that statement. 

One, Levi made the best Mochas and nothing would compete, so it would be an utter waste of money to spend. And two, something did happen. 

    We kissed.

Cath remembers it now. It’s funny how the human brain works. When we want don’t want to remember something incredibly painful or not possible, it tends to block out said memory, but one thing about memories were that they connected to other memories, and unless she wanted to forget the whole last night, she was stuck with the memory. 

But to be completely honest, Cath quite liked the memory.

Cath remembered the way Levi had hooked her to his side as she read ‘The Outsiders’ to him, and how her drowsy and impaired mind (she blamed it on the mocha) attached all her thoughts not to the book, which wasn’t half bad, but to the feel of Levi’s flannel against her skin, or the passing look of seeing his lips before she quickly looked up to see if he was still awake, which he was. 

    Watching her with his startling blue eyes. 

Now in the morning, Cath had to be reasonable with herself. Which she did sometimes, once or twice. 

    A day.

Look, he probably thought I was Reagan. Or remember that the first time he saw Wren he said with complete factuality that she was the hotter twin, and that was just by a passing glance. I’m just a quick kiss. Okay, yeah, quick. Kiss.

    But Cath realized she didn’t want to be a quick anything. She deserved way more than that. She wrote dozens of Baz and Simon scenes of their love, wasn’t it time for her to get something like that? A love that isn’t fictional and based on a wizard and (presumably) a  vampire. 

    Cath like the idea of sharing these stories with Levi. He seemed to enjoy them (at least tolerate them) and he always had his opinions and questions on them, which Cath actually liked to answer. It wasn’t everyday you met someone who hasn’t read Simon Snow (because watching the movies don’t count).

    But she also had to admit one fatal flaw in her plan, she hasn’t even asked Levi if he liked her the way she did, and also Reagan.

    Shit.

Cath heard the intake of breath, well, deeper breath, and felt Levi move. Now was the time. Was he going to slowly take his arm that he had encompassing her back and leave without so much as a glance, or was something else going to happen, something more magical. 

    Cath didn’t know what was going to be scarier. 

But what Cath didn’t think of was Levi kissing her on the top of her head, and pulling her closer to him.

    Oh Shit, Oh Shit, Oh Shit

She was completely and utterly screwed. 

    Though at that moment she didn’t know exactly why. There was no menace to the name Reagan, or thought of impending doom if she missed her morning classes. No.

    All she could think of was the way he kissed her on the head, with that small but cute mouth of his, the one hours earlier she was questioning if he could easily eat an apple with. The one that caused her whole body to go flush and red just by that little move. 

    She felt more than saw (because her head was still by/on his chest persay, and couldn’t see him) him smile. The muscles coordinating it gave him away like a whale breaching the water for all to see, it was very obvious. 

    Cath looked up, and got a bruise on her forehead. 

    Holding her head, she reopened her eyes and saw Levi, looking a little less beaten and smiling quite a bit more than her, more than anyone really, at her as she felt around her skull for adjustments to her temple area. 

    “Ouch” Cath said, and mentally scolded herself.

‘The first thing I have to say after we slept together, well...not like that.’

    “Sorry, I didn’t know you were awake.” Levi said, putting his one hand on the bruising temple as Cath brought her hand back down. 

    “It’s fine, just if I was sleeping, why were you tilted downward, since I did not hit your chin. The area I hit was definitely smoother.”

    “Ah, so are you a chin expert as well as a Simon Snow lover?” Levi asked with a smile on his face, a continuing smile. 

    “Of course, one must be knowledgeable in all types of things.” Cath waved her arms vaguely around to show all the types of things. 

    Also, Cath wanted to point out that they were still laying together.

    On her bed. 

    Oh Shit?

“So are their any other area of the body that you and that brain have been studying?” Levi shifted, but still kept one arm under her around the waist while the other was free, watching her contemplate the question. 

    She had, and the answer didn’t need verbal response. She turned red. Again. 

“I’m going to deny all wrongdoing to the court.” Cath mumbled and she shielded her face from Levi, instead putting it against her pillow, but he had already seen her face, and had started to giggle, giggle and not chuckle. 

    Cath felt him stretch again and reach for his phone. 

“Oh.”

“What?” Cath said, a little more nervous than she was before. Not knowing what Levi had seen on his phone. Had Reagan walked in on them and saw the precarious position they were in, and had left fuming and given a threat to Levi that whatever they had was over, done with?

    Cath also realized that she picked a good major to go into, since it seemed she was always so dramatic.

    “I’m an hour late to work, I better go before the customers start to get angry that no one knows their order.” Levi untangled their limbs (which caused Cath to finally be able to feel hers again) and rose from the bed. Grabbing the empty Starbucks cups, he maneuvered between her and Reagan’s bed (Cath had a conspiracy that their room was just a walk in closet converted over to a dorm room, but that’s for a different discussion) and brought them over to the trash by the door to be thrown out. 

    Cath really didn’t know what to do in a position like this. Did she start to say goodbye to him? Tell him that she had a nice time reading (and the things that came with it)? She didn’t know, but what she did know was that he was opening the door to leave, and they barely had a civil conversation, and that was only about various studying of body parts. 

    Wait, reading!

“Levi, you forgot your book!” Cath said as she starts to fumble around the bedsheets, and finally produces the same copy (albeit a little dented) of ‘The Outsiders’ that she read him the night before. 

    “You might need this to study from for the exam.” Cath got up, saw her shirt was riding up a little too high, and fixed it. She continued her trek to Levi when he held up a hand for her to stop. 

    “I don’t need it.” He said, smiling at her again like she just said something funny.

 Did I say something funny? Did I look funny fixing my shirt?

     “Well, I might be a good reader, but even I can’t remember everything in this book, and we just read it last night.” Cath was really grasping for straws here, or needles, but straws hurt less. She started to recite what she had done ever since she woke up, and didn’t find any (too) mortifying as why Levi stopped her going to him.  

    Why doesn’t he want his book?

Would it bring back painful memories of last night, of them together. Him (maybe?) cheating on Reagan with her, but they just kissed. And tangled limbs. Did he not like her, and given her that kiss in the head as a friendly gesture, but then why did he watch her sleep?

    Sometimes boys are so confusing. 

“I don’t need it.” Levi says, sounding like he’s been saying this for awhile but Cath hadn’t heard him at all.

    “Why not?” She questioned, she wanted to get to the bottom of this before heading off to her classes, so her head wouldn’t be stuck in the clouds (well any more stuck than usual).

    “Because I’m going to work and I don’t think my coworkers will want me to be reciting ‘Stay Golden, Ponyboy’ to them.” He looked at her however like that would be a fun endeavour, and told herself to warn Levi’s coworkers about him and classic novels. 

    “So what do you want me to do with it.”

    “Keep it”

    “Really, why?” She figured this was the question to get the answer they had both been swimming around for the last two pages, oops, last two minutes. 

    “Because then I have a reason to come see you again, not that I need a reason.” 

Cath starts to speak out of habit from this conversation, then realizes what he means, and starts to go red for the third time that morning. Cath think she broke her record. 

    “Oh, Okay.” Cath looked down at her socks that she left on from the night before (with ‘Carry On, Simon’ on the tops of them. A gift from Wren for her birthday one year).

    She realized Levi had said something. Again. And that she had missed it. Again. 

“What did you say?” She asked as he was about to shut the door, about to end the conversation, one of her favorites to date. 

    “I said six o’clock I’ll be done at work.” Levi said, moving his blond hair back from where it fell in front of his face to look at her. A face full of cute eyes and lips. Oh boy. 

“Great” Cath replied.

“Oh, and also expect the best Gingerbread Mocha to date.” He said, and shut the door, but not before seeing his smile, and heard him walking down the hallway. 

“Even better.” Cath replied to no one in particular, but maybe to the Baz cutout that was currently peeking out from her closet area. 

    ~

And that’s all she wrote folks!

sitting in my room waiting away

tv screen static seems like

my life

my life

always a weird lost state

darkness under eyes never going away

so am i

dream 

dream 

of better things 

picking flowers 

laying under the moon

gazing at stars from my window 

everything seems unreal and far away

so far away

As he finally got to his bed and laid down, he couldn't even attempt get some rest. His mind was plagued by his thoughts far too much at this point. He had been drinking all night for the first time in a long time. Was he so drunk that he couldn't even see the answers to his question? "This is why I don't drink this shit!" he growled to himself. "Was it the way I acted after I won? Was I that much of an asshole? Was I that drunk? What the hell did I do?!?!"