#this year is hell

Still bitter, still sadder than ever, still heartbroken. Yet I still wish the best for her. I just want what I deserve, too. I want my happy ending. Where is it.

And like? The real kicker? I stayed closeted my whole fucking life. I didn’t date anyone unless I was really damn sure it had a chance of working out. And even when I did date those very few people, I didn’t tell anyone about it for months in case it ended up falling through. I didn’t wanna come out and tell people “I have a gf!” just for it to end and then everyone saw it as a phase/joke.

I date my first gf in secrecy and to this day no one in my real life knows about that. My second real gf I dated for weeks before I told only my mother, but didn’t tell anyone else, and lo and behold 2 months later she broke up with me. Same with the next one I dated, she broke up with me after a few months, glad I never told anyone about her either.

But Mel? I dated her with my whole heart and soul. I waited until I was sure we could work out before I invited her to my house, to meet my parents, which no one I’d ever dated before had gotten to. I waited half a year before officially coming out to everyone else in my life and revealing that I had a gf and was happier than I’d ever been in my life. I waited 6 fucking months.

And what happened anyway? The very same thing I’d been trying so hard to avoid. She dumped me a few weeks later. Just like that. Like those 8 months had meant nothing at all. So I ended up coming out to everyone just to get tossed aside. To put that relationship status from “in a gay relationship” to “single again” within the course of a few weeks. My whole damn life I walked on eggshells trying to avoid humiliation and heartbreak like that. I waited half a year of dating her to finally make that revelation.

And what ended up happening anyway? The exact thing I was trying to avoid. Years and years of being closeted because I didn’t wanna come out with a gf who’d just end up dumping me anyway. And that’s exactly what I got. Even though I waited so long, and made fucking sure we had something real. Even though I waited until we said “I love you.” Even though I did literally everything within my fucking power to ensure it would be my happy ending.