I went to find out based on the tip you gave in the comments and now I feel bad because I followed one of the people involved but I didn't remember that this specific account belonged to that person
Never feel bad friend. I was mutuals with one lol. Once they expose themselves just block and keep it moving. I don't know about everyone else, but I personally like to do a little dance when I hit the block button
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Amazing one-shot (as in “shot in the heart and left for dead”)
Hotaru_Tomoe’s “This Dance (is not for me)” (997 words)
https://archiveofourown.org/works/32903182
Oh. OH. OH MY GOD. It got me, all right, and I can’t catch my breath. BUT I did immediately subscribe to the writer.
“There was a time, and it was the best time of your life, when you were an open book for him, his eyes were always on you, as if you were the most beautiful of novels, the one you read and reread until the corners of the pages are worn and and the corners curl, and then you reread it again until you learn whole passages by heart, because it's too good to break away.”
This ficlet is so powerful, poignant, evocative I immediately read it again. ‘Beautiful’ seems to be much too little to say to say about this ficlet, but it is—also—beautiful. Thank you writer for sharing this to the Getting to Know You / Johnlock Ficlet collection. https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Johnlock_ficlets
I knew there were so many Johnlock writers out there I didn’t know, but I had no idea how many, and now I’m going to spend the rest of my life in Johnlock fic heaven.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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As soon as you made it inside the building you ran. Ran through the hallways as though death himself were trying to catch you by your heels. There were people, the team, you passed in the halls, but you did not see faces. They were merely obstacles to avoid as you moved towards your destination. You had to get out of the building, the walls were closing quickly, and you were not sure if you would make it out before they caught up with you. Calls of your name behind you made it to your ears, but they would have to wait. Everything and everyone would have to wait until you could control the chaos inside you at that moment. As you burst outside the building it felt like you could breathe again. The air cool, filling your lungs easily as you bent over with your hands resting on your thighs. There were people on the sidewalk, a few giving you the side eye as they took a wide berth around you.
The need to keep moving was clawing inside your chest forcing your feet, which were bare because you had no clue where your shoes may have been kicked this time, to move against the warm pavement. There was no particular place you wanted to go but you could not stay there. The sun had already set, and the lights of the city had begun to glow for the night. The city that never slept always felt as though it was there to make sure even the oddest person felt like they had a place to belong. The early risers in their designer suits working themselves into early graves in those corporate high rises. Or the night owls who roamed the streets looking for their next big artistic discovery. The thoughts of the students who did not know the time of day due to papers due and exams to take. There was always something to do. You grew up in the city, finding it the ideal place for a girl who could not figure out what she wanted her life to be or how it should turn out.
Your journey through the streets tonight took you to that pizza place six blocks away from the tower. It was the place you often ordered from on the nights you were on duty at the station. You stood outside looking in at the bustle of the evening crew working to fill their many orders. Jason had first taken you there when you joined the department. He had played it off that he was welcoming you as one of the probies. When he kissed you at the end of the night you knew that was not all it had been. The knife twisted in your chest as everything always ended with thoughts of him. Your bare feet moved again, this time though to a place that did not remind you of anything related to him. One of several parks in the city, Tony had built after the attack on New York. He touted it as rebuilding of the community and a place they could all come together. Whatever it was for it was a quiet place to sit.
The streetlights cast a pretty glow on the trails through the park. There was a pond with a fountain in the middle, and large grassy areas that during the day, families would have picnics. You found an empty bench, taking a seat you pulled your knees up against you, wrapping your arms around them. It was then you realized that your feet were throbbing from the abuse you had inflicted upon them from the hard streets. You were going to have to take care of that once you walked all the way back to the tower.
“Too bad you didn’t stay at that pizza place back there. That place smelled amazing as I ran by. I was tempted to stop but Steve would have probably killed me.” Bucky’s voice called from behind you before the man came to sit beside you. You rolled your eyes, refusing to look at him. It was not surprising that he was able to find you. You were fairly certain there was a tracking device in the watch you wore. The whole team wore one.
“You didn’t have to follow me. I needed…” He interrupted; his voice quiet.
“I know what you needed. You needed to feel like everything wasn’t closing in on you. I’ve been there many times.” It was then you looked over in his direction, your arms still locked tight around your needs. Bucky was not looking in your direction, he was looking off towards the fountain and the lights that dancing within it. “That was me every day for a good while. Running, screaming trying to avoid everyone to not burden the team, my friends.”
“How did you get it to stop?” A corner of his mouth lifted as he looked over at you.
“It hasn’t. Not completely. I know you have heard the nightmares. Everyone has.” You nodded as you looked off.
“Yeah I have heard them. I got up one night and ran towards your room, I think it was the first week or so I moved into the tower. Thought someone had gotten in or something. Steve told me about the nightmares.” He sighed as he leaned back on the bench, studying your position and how tight you held yourself. “You haven’t had one in a while.”
Bucky shrugged. “I have them, not as often anymore but I have them. Steve has helped me a lot. We have talked about things and… it has eased somewhat. I don’t scream out as much anymore.”
As you thought about talking to someone, you realized Steve always seemed so protective of Bucky. It no was secret they had known each other growing up all those years ago. Steve had his back and would do what he needed to, to protect his friend. But honestly it was not just with Bucky. He was the person just about everyone went to, to have someone to talk to. Except for Tony but that man was different in every way possible.
“Tell me what is going on in there?” Bucky tapped the side of your head lightly.
“I talked to someone… a shrink after it all happened. She diagnosed me with PTSD. Said it would get better if I talked about it. It didn’t feel like it. Felt like the more I talked about it the worse it got.” There was a quiver in your voice, but you swallowed hard, refusing to cry in front of him.
“About the attack from Loki? I know lots of people were killed that day. You were a firefighter, right?”
“Yes, I was a firefighter. I will never forget the screams that day. I still hear them at night.” You did not want to elaborate about how the screams were coming from your team that day. How the building collapsed and there was nothing you could do to help any of those trapped, including Jason.
“If you don’t want to talk to some stranger, maybe one of us could be your sounding board. We have all had some issue that we have had to get over. I swear, Fury only recruits the really damaged ones because no way a normal person could do the things we have to do.” It was then you were graced with one of the few times you had ever heard Bucky laugh. You knew it was not a real one but enough of one that he at least gave you a smile. He was not wrong; everyone had some kind of trauma in their lives. Some probably more so than you had. Which did not make anything any better but maybe there was a possibility you would not always be this empty shell. That is really all you had been for four years now, empty. You did smile a half-hearted smile in return.
“I guess we are a fucked-up band of misfits.” That earned a real Bucky laugh and a bump of his shoulder against you. Slowly you began to loosen your hold around yourself, letting one leg relax completely.
“You seriously don’t have shoes on? [Y/N]… this is New York. You know the kind of stuff that people leave and do on the streets and sidewalks. That is disgusting.” It was your turn to laugh as you stood up.
“I wasn’t thinking about shoes when I left. I’m not even sure where my boots are anyway.” Bucky followed your movements and stood beside you.
“I believed you kicked them by the training room doors earlier. Either way I refuse to allow you to walk back to the tower like that.”
Raising a brow, you crossed your arms over your chest. “You refuse to allow me? And just who are you Bucky Barnes?” He held his hands up trying to keep you from killing him.
“You know what I meant! You can’t walk back like that. I will call one of the others to come get us. Please don’t make me suffer watching you step on the sidewalk like that all the way back home.”
When you returned to the tower, there was no missing the concern on everyone’s faces. You gave a small wave before you went up to your room to take the hottest shower you could to try to wash away the events of the day. Bucky had helped you get a different perspective. Truly you did not want to talk to some random person about things they would not understand. Being an enhanced/inhuman whatever they wanted to call it made it even more difficult to open up to people who did not understand your new and altered world. Perhaps, you would talk to one of the others, at least they would be able to understand some of what you were going through. Then guilt began to claw its way through your chest. You did not want to burden anyone with your issues. No one needed to listen to you failing your team and Jason.
You had missed dinner Sam had made for everyone. When you snuck down to the kitchen later on you found he had saved you a portion with a big note on it in the fridge with your name and a warning for Bucky not to eat it. Pulling it from the fridge you popped the top of the container open to warm it in the microwave. “Hey [Y/N], want to watch a movie with everyone? They all agreed to sit down and be quiet for once.”
Nat stood in the kitchen doorway that led to the living area with the television. You could hear the voices of the others in the other room. “Umm sure… just let me finish heating this up.” She smiled as she waited on you and your food.
“I hope you are feeling better. I know you have had… a not great time lately.” Nodding with a half-smile you pulled the food from the microwave as the timer went off.
“Okay I’m ready I think.” You pulled a fork from the drawer before following Nat to the living area. Sam and Tony were bickering on the big couch as Steve was lounged over the armchair. Bucky and Clint were on the floor leaning against the couch. Wanda was sitting by herself on the love seat, patting the open cushion for you to sit while Nat went to join the boys on the couch. “Umm so what are we watching?”
Clint perked up with a grin. “Back to the Future. Wanda has never seen it before. I thought it was time she got to know good movies and not the trash Sam makes us watch.”
“Hey! My movies aren’t trash. You just have no taste.” Clint laughed as you took the spot next to Wanda. The movie brought back a lot of good memories.
“That was Jason’s favorite movie. He probably watched it a thousand… times.” The whole room got quiet as you realized that you had just let the words slip out without thinking about them. When you looked up, everyone was staring at you. It wasn’t every day you shared something with the team.
“Who’s Jason?” Sam asked from the couch. He was the first one brave enough to ask though you could see it on everyone else’s face that they wanted to know as well.
“Oh… he was… he was my husband.” Pulling your legs up beneath you, you began to focus on the food in the container in your hand as everyone looked at each other before Clint piped up.
“So, let’s uh, get this movie started. Right folks?” There were murmurs from everyone in agreeance. A moment later you glanced up to find Steve, who was seated directly across from you, looking at you. Once he realized you caught him, he gave you a reassuring smile and a quick nod before looking back to the movie.
Everyone enjoyed the movie and you were able to relax more than you had with them previously. Not having to pull your entire body in to hold yourself together. Once the credits began to roll you thanked Clint for choosing the movie before you left the room quickly. You cleaned your mess before you tried escaping quickly back to your room. “Maybe those walls aren’t so thick anymore.”
Steve’s voice called from behind you just as you made it to the doorway leading to the main hallway towards the bedrooms. So close to getting away with not having to talk to anyone else. “What’s that Steve?” You asked as you had one hand on the doorframe, looking back at him.
“You told everyone you were married. That was something none of them knew. Maybe it’s a step towards bringing those walls down.” There was a hopeful look about him as he gave you a tentative smile. He was trying to gauge how you were feeling after the admission.
“It just came out…I didn’t do it on purpose. Just reminded me of a good memory.”
“You might have not meant to, but it was the first time in three years you let something like that slip. It means something to the rest of them. More than you probably realize.” You were not sure that you believed what he said but you nodded.
