#this also spiraled

The one where destiny got a plot twist, Morgana and Merlin became magical soccer moms, and Arthur’s paper bag is his only refuge

“Papa Sparkles & Mama Doom’s Murder Baby 💕🧨”

(Renamed 12 times in the last 30 minutes. Arthur is breathing into a paper bag 😤📦)

Merlin (👨‍🦱✨): We have news! 🥹💙

Morgana (🖤👑): Surprise! We’ve officially adopted Mordred. ❤️

Arthur (👑💢): YOU ADOPTED MY FUTURE MURDERER?! YOU LOOKED DESTINY IN THE EYE AND SAID “YES, LET’S PARENT THAT.” 😱⚔️

Merlin: He’s really sweet now! He plays the lute 🎵, uses his inside voice 30% of the time, and only curses people who deserve it. 😇

Mordred: Hi, Uncle Arthur. I’m trying very hard to be good now. 🙃

Arthur: STOP CALLING ME UNCLE. 😭

Gwen (👰🏽🌟): I think this is beautiful. Mordred is turning over a new leaf 🍃. The leaf is slightly cursed, but it’s progress. 💖

Mordred: Aunt Gwen is so understanding as always. You don't deserve her. It is all water under the bridge now. 🌊

Arthur: THIS IS WHERE YOU TRIED TO DROWN ME LAST TIME! 💦😡

Gwaine (💘⚔️): Brooding teen adopted by two unstable magical icons? This is peak found family. I’m crying. 😭 Also not to be dramatic, but if Merlin and Morgana don’t end up with at least 5 children, what’s the point of love? 💞✨

Percival (🛡️🥺): He made me a cursed little clay horse. I’ve named it Butterhoof. 🐎 It bites people who lie near it. I love him. ❤️

🧨 Morgause (💄🗡️🔥) has joined the chat. 🧨

Morgause: So. You’ve adopted the little doomsday prophecy. Finally someone’s making sense. 😈 Mordred, darling, I’ll send you my grimoire. The one that screams when you open it. 💕📖🔥

Mordred (🎵🌿): Auntie Morgause!! Yes please!! Can we start with shadow binding? Or mirror fire? Or that spell you used to turn a bishop into bees? 🐝✨

Arthur (👑💢): NO. NO BEES. NO SPELLBOOKS THAT SCREAM. MORGANA. MERLIN. CONTROL YOUR SITUATION CHILD. 😭🆘

Morgana (🖤👑): Absolutely not. He’s not learning soul-splitting rituals from you, Morgause. ❌🖤

Merlin (👨‍🦱✨): We are starting with safe magic. No bees, no fire mirrors, no pacts with river gods. 🚫🐝🔥🌊

Morgause (💄🗡️🔥): Ugh. Sister you are so soft now and I am blaming your almost murderer for this. What happened to real training? I was summoning banshees at his age. 👻🔥

Arthur (👑💢): WHAT DO YOU MEAN "BANSHEES"? WHY ARE YOU ALL LIKE THIS? I AM SURROUNDED BY CHAOTIC WIZARD PARENTS? 😭⚡️👑

Lancelot (😩💐): I’d like to personally request Morgause not be allowed to mentor anyone. Respectfully. For everyone’s safety. 🙏🛡️

Morgause: Too late dear Lancelot. I’ve already sent Mordred a starter hex kit. 🧪📦 One vial giggles, one screams, and one turns water into soup. He’ll figure it out. 🍲😱

Lancelot (😩💐): Please do not directly address me, Morgause. 😰

Morgause (💄🗡️🔥): Still flinching at powerful women? Some things never change, sweet Lancelot. 💅 By the way, your new armor is very... flame-resistant. I approve. 🔥😉

Lancelot: I’m respectfully terrified. 😨

Gwaine (💘⚔️): Can we all agree she brings a very necessary “knife aunt energy” to the group? 🔪💥

Leon (🧱📏): Threat assessment updated: “Morgause — Glamorous but Unhinged (High Risk / High Drama)” ⚠️🎭

Merlin: YOU SENT HIM THE SOUP VIAL?! THAT’S LEVEL SIX CHAOS MAGIC. HE’S STILL ON LEAF-BOILING. 🍃🔥

Arthur (👑💢): I AM LITERALLY IN A PAPER BAG. IT IS VIBRATING. 😵📦

Morgana: Mordred, sweetie, you are not to open anything that giggles or sizzles without Merlin or me present. 🚫😈

Mordred (🎵🌿): Okay… but hypothetically, if I already opened the one that blinked? 👀

Arthur: OH GODS HE’S UNLEASHED SOMETHING THAT BLINKS?!?! 😱💀

Gwen (👰🏽🌟): Arthur. Breathe. You’re not alone in this. You’re just outnumbered. 💕🌿

Gaius (😐📜): I’ve updated the official documents: Mordred is now listed as “Dependent of the Realm (Chaotic Neutral).” Morgause is under “Wildcard Aunt (Possibly Feral).” 📝⚖️

Lancelot (😩💐): I’m just here to make sure no one dies before the second act. 🤞

Arthur: I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE MAIN CHARACTER. I AM THE KING! WHY NO ONE LISTENS TO ME? 😡👑

Percival (🛡️🥺): My king… he’s just a kid. Everyone deserves a second chance, even if they have tried to kill you. Multiple times. 🥲

Arthur (👑💢): DOESN'T ANYONE REMEMBER THE TIME HE WAS HOLDING A SWORD TO MY NECK?? 🛡️⚔️😡

Gwaine (💘⚔️): He said sorry with eye contact, Arthur. That’s legally binding in redemption arcs. 👀❤️

Leon (🧱📏): Okay. Let’s break this down. The murder was technically in a different timeline. Adopting Mordred may alter future events. He’s now listed in the defense roster as "probable ally," which statistically improves our chances by 7%. He does not yet have access to the treasury. 💼📊

Arthur (👑💢): DID YOU JUST DO A SWOT ANALYSIS ON MY TRAUMA?? 😵📉

Elyan (😎🔧): Look, if Merlin and Morgana want to co-parent a murder muppet, who are we to judge? This is character development. Let them be chaotic magical soccer moms. ⚽✨🧙‍♂️

Arthur (👑💢): MAGICAL. SOCCER. MOMS?? 😡

Morgana (🖤👑): He calls me "Mama Doom" 🥺💀

Merlin (👨‍🦱✨): And he calls me "Papa Sparkles" 🥹⚡️

Arthur (👑💢): I’M MUTING THIS GROUP. I’M MUTING ALL OF YOU. FOR ETERNITY. 🔇🕰️

Gaius (😐📜): Please check the Realm Health Insurance Form. Mordred is now under “Magical Dependents & Potential Threats.” ⚕️🧙‍♂️

Gwen (👰🏽🌟): Reminder: All magical guardians must now attend quarterly parenting workshops. I signed Merlin and Morgana up for “Raising Your Murder Baby Without Summoning Plagues.” You’re welcome. 😌📚

Lancelot (🛡️😤💐): It’s okay, Arthur. We’ll all survive this. I think. 🤞😅

Mordred (🎵🌿): I wrote a song called "Please Don’t Yell, I’m Healing." It has twelve verses and light ukulele. 🎸😌

Arthur (👑💢): NO MORE LUTES. I BEG OF YOU. 😭🎶🚫

🔥🐉 Great Dragon has joined the chat 🔥🐉 ✨🐉 Aithusa has joined the chat ✨🐉

Great Dragon (🔥🐉): “MERLIN! WHAT IS THIS INSANITY?! YOU’VE ADOPTED THE DOOMSDAY PROPHECY AND EXPECT ME TO JUST... CHILL?!

Merlin (👨‍🦱✨): “Yeah, about that… since when have you ever been calm? Didn’t expect a change today either.”

Arthur (👑💢): “FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO GETS IT. MAYBE WE SHOULD START A SUPPORT GROUP—’DRAGONS AND KINGS ANONYMOUS.’ MEETINGS EVERYDAY, TEARS AND FIRE BREATHING INCLUDED.”

Great Dragon (🔥🐉): “COUNT ME IN. I’LL BRING THE FLAMES, YOU BRING THE PAPER BAG. WE’LL SURVIVE THIS MADNESS TOGETHER.”

Arthur (👑💢): “BEST ALLY I’VE HAD ALL DAY. FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS THE STRUGGLE.”

Aithusa (🐉✨): “Mordred’s my little brother now! I’m rooting for him! But seriously, NO MORE FIRE MAGIC WITHOUT A DRAGON ON CALL. Last time I got involved, I literally turned into a frog. 🐸😱”

Morgana (🖤👑): “Relax, my little dragonling. We have everything totally under control. (…Or as under control as Mordred and magic get.)”

Arthur (👑💢): “NO, YOU DON'T! SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY I’M THE KING AND YET I FEEL LIKE THE CIRCUS CLOWN! 🤡👑🔥

🆕 Group Name Changed by Elyan: “Destiny? We Don’t Know Her 🧙‍♂️🖤🔪👨‍👩‍👦” (Renamed 14 times in 35 minutes)

Arthur renamed the group: “Everyone Is Insane Except Me 😡👑” (15 renames total)

Gwaine renamed the group: “Papa Sparkles & Mama Doom’s Murder Baby 💕🧨” (16 total)

Arthur: has left the chat (Muting enabled for 48 hours)

48 Hours Later…

Arthur (👑💢): I UNMUTED FOR TEN SECONDS. WHY IS THE GROUP NAME NOW: “MORDRED & THE TRAUMA BAND (feat. Screaming Bag) 🎤😭”???

Merlin: Oh you saw that? Gwen thought of the name 😌🎶

Arthur: combusted in righteous indignation. 🔥💢💥👑

Gaius: I’ll get the aloe.