#things change jo

I stopped posting because I felt dead inside. And each time I go through this blog, I am heavy. Everything I posted meant something to me.

It’s been hell, but I’m okay.

I’m 20 now. I’m in college on a music scholarship for Voice, and I am also in the Pre-Med program. I have my own apartment and group of true friends who talk about current issues, make wonderful music, and encourage me to be the best person I can be. I have traveled to Brazil and met the most amazing people. I drove to Kansas City to have Joyce DiDonato serenade my soul. I took chances, went out into the world when I could, and studied as much as I could. Most importantly, I like who I am now.

My dad died the week before I started college. I haven’t been the same since. Neither has my family. We are a lot closer now (moving out also helped). We are all we have, and somehow death has linked our stubborn hands together.

I don’t like to think about my aunt, never did, never will I suppose. I guess some things are unforgivable. I don’t know if I will ever recover, but I can do my best.

I’m not sure if anybody cares to fill in the holes of my life. I never post, so why care now? Besides, I went back and hid all my personal text entries. It will be troublesome to trace back the few steps I made through this blog. This blog. It was dedicated to one person, a throwback to my highschool first love. While I can sit here and exploit him, it really doesn’t matter anymore. I am not the fifteen-year-old girl whose life centered around the happiness of one guy. I am 20 now. I am the person I needed when I was young and in love with him, when I lost myself in his game, when I cried myself to sleep every night. I don’t know how to describe this asswipe without slewing a string of profanities around his name. But I know I lived to see beauty again. I will forget him and his meaninglessness, but I will never forgive the abuse he put me through. 

I learned a lot about myself when I was alone. I hurt people. I became my worst. Loneliness, emptiness, apathy--none of these justify hurting others, and forgiveness is a luxury that I cannot decide for myself. I learned to educate myself, regardless of a religiously fanatic background, and I learned to share this information with others, to empower women, and to point out the prejudice in everyday life. I made my own decisions. I feel like I was the least likely for a pre-med candidate, but now I know no other way would be as fulfilling as this realm of medicine. I also found mature, consenting, mutual, honest love--unexpectedly, in a goofy composer who has an affinity for John Adams and Shostakovich. Maybe it will last, maybe not, I don’t care to speculate because I am 20 and we are having a blast. I also denounced my religion and became something along the lines of an agnostic heathen. I still have many sleepless nights as indicated by the leftover posts on this blog, but now they are accompanied by coffee and textbooks, and the only pain and regret is from taking too many hours and procrastination. I found out I have the grit and will to cry through five hours of homework, sleep for three hours, and wake up at 3am to study some more. Everyday. I have dreams and aspirations, and I want them to be a reality, so I work. I have a singing gig, and I am one of the few college musicians who can support themselves on performing gigs. I also learned one of the hardest roles (possibly ever) of my operatic career and managed a 3.9 GPA in school. I joined a fraternity, Sigma Alpha Iota--a professional, international music fraternity for women. My Delta Iota sisters are seriously the most inspirational women I have ever had the privilege to know. I found that I really enjoy voice science, vocal pedagogy, and literally everything about the voice is my favorite thing ever. I plan to conduct research under a highly esteemed pedagogue, who happens to be on the faculty at my school. I also watch a lot of anime now, which is okay. I spent a lot of energy trying to stay away from something I genuinely enjoy out of embarrassment, and while the professional world is not ready to know that I like magical girl anime, I will just enjoy myself. I quit piano because I needed more time for my pre-med courses. I miss it, and I like to sightread through music in my free time now that I don’t have a piano teacher anymore. My favorite writer is still Nabokov, though I recently discovered southern gothic and its macabre depictions of the south. (Southern gothic music is actually pretty cool as well--and it is one of the few music genres that somewhat correspond to their respective literary category). And Brazil--I will never forget my trip to Brazil. It was truly the most magical time of my life thus far. 

By the next few days I will have completely moved into my new apartment. By Monday, I will be flying to upstate New York to visit my old roommate and hang out in her hometown. I’m dying my hair pink the Tuesday after that. And I will be cuddling with my boyfriend and watching anime and British television a lot. My sister and I will hang out a lot this summer--maybe we can take a trip to Wisconsin for my dad’s memorial. If not, I guess I’m driving there by myself. I have been itching for a tattoo for the past few years, so I might actually go for it sometime in the year future. I’m happy. Sometimes I am still filled with doubt and some unshakable sadness, but I wake up every day and I get out of bed. I am propelling toward a bright future. I don’t know my next step, but I have an idea of what I would like to do with my life. I’m sure the old me would be dissatisfied with my vague explanation, but I guess I grew up enough to disapprove of my old self as well.

Also, the title of this post. The operatic role I learned was Jo March in Mark Adamo’s Little Women. Meg March sings an aria called “Things Change, Jo,” in which she speaks to her younger sister Jo about change. It is by far the most beautiful aria in the show. Here is an excerpt:

Things change, Jo. And oh, what happens when they do? Your heart, Jo... Your heart! It’s a bird in the nest, with its head beneath its wing, half asleep it cannot know it wants a thing. Still--your heart, Jo, I know will dream of something new. 

Joyce DiDonato premiered the role of Meg March, and she wrote in her blog that Things Change, but it’s a good thing. I really feel this sentiment.