Introducing the TrumpBufferâ„¢ 1.0: Because Reality Has a Seven-Second Delay
Tired of the cognitive dissonance of watching a man verbally face-plant for hours on end? The TrumpBufferâ„¢ is the revolutionary latency microphone that does what his synapses can't.
Simply speak into the microphone, and our proprietary "Bullshit-to-English" algorithm gets to work:
Scans the raw audio for nouns and verbs, discarding all adjectives as they are universally "great," "fake," or "crooked."
Replaces conspiracy theories with a neutral, non-committal hum.
Instantly corrects for "covfefe"-level system failures by inserting a pre-loaded, focus-group-tested phrase about "winning."
Completely redacts all mentions of classified documents, substituting them with a proud declaration about "the best hamburgers."
Warning: The TrumpBufferâ„¢ may frequently overheat and emit a loud, continuous whine when attempting to locate a factual anchor point. Normal operation not guaranteed in litigious or humid environments.
His brain is outputting corrupted data, a continuous stream of consciousness dump filled with syntax errors and non-sequiturs. This is a human-powered audio bullshit buffer, not an AI-powered seven-second delay where a dedicated server farm works around the clock to translate the primal grunts, vengeful ramblings, and shattered nursery-rhyme cadence into something resembling a subject-verb-object agreement or a device that intercepts the synaptic misfires, the noun-salad and the vengeful gibberish and runs it through a predictive algorithm trained on basic civics and coherent thought….no, but a team of exhausted linguists and psychiatrists specialized to translate the basic human function of coherent speech that his brain can no longer manage. A time delay wouldn't be to protect the public, but it’s to give the team time to deconstruct the primal scream into something resembling the English language.
It would filter out the nonsense, the lies, the sudden, jarring non-sequiturs about airports and electric boats, and simply output the one true message that's always there: "Validate me. Avenge me. And for God's sake, someone get me a diaper because I didn’t win the Nobel Peace Prize."
The fact that we have to imagine a real-time bullshit filter for a 79 y/o man, just to make him sound like he hasn't already pissed himself on stage isn't just a joke, it's a terrifying national security diagnosis.
The subscription model would be priced as a "Stupidity Tax" for those of us forced to live in the reality he's constantly corrupting.
The man's brain is a 404 Error. The synapses are firing, but the page cannot be found.
