#thetaleofphillip

“I’m going away.”  She had brought up the idea suddenly to Phillip, blurting it out at the first opportunity she had.  She saw the look of confusion on his face, so she continued before he had the chance to speak.  “Phillip, I’m… I spent a lot of my life living alone and taking care of myself, and as much as I love you and care about you, I need some time to...”

Raven had not really thought about how that would probably sound to him, and she instantly regretted her choice of words.  She could not fault him for thinking that she was breaking up with him, but that could not be farther from the truth.  She was taking this break to better herself and to better their time together.  For so long, Phillip had talked about their future, about getting married and having children and growing old.  But there was so much about Raven that was a mystery.  Could she cope living a life where she was constantly beside another person?  Could she be a mother when she never had a mother of her own?  Could she even conceive children, given the body that she had?  Would she age like Phillip, or would she be left alone after a lifetime of companionship?  Even worse, would her body fail her earlier than anyone could have expected?  All of these questions had been rushing through her mind, repeating, repeating, repeating.

Phillip was angry, rightfully so, and she tried her best to rephrase and reassure him that she would be back, but damage had already been done.  “No… Phillip, I… I’ll come back.  I’m coming back,” she stuttered over her words, panicking as tears welled up in her eyes.  “I just need to go away… not away from you; away from Sharance.  Away from everything I know.  I need to understand who I am before… before I…”  Her words drifted and she looked away from Phillip.  She looked at Rose, who was playing in the grass and sniffing all the plants and flowers and grew on Phillip’s farm.

Raven took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and then opened them, forcing a smile.  “Will you take care of her?  Of Rose, I mean.”  Another breath.  “As a promise that I’ll be back.  A year… at most.”  She winced at her own words.  A year was a long time, and she could not fault him for moving on from her in that time. She honestly felt doubtful that he would wait.  “I don’t know how long I’ll be gone, but I’ll come back.  I promise.”

They talked for a little while longer, and Raven’s memory of the moment faded and she thought of the weeks after she had left.

At first it felt liberating. A creature of the wild, Raven felt at home in the forest, among her fellow monsters.  She slept outside and lived like she had so many years ago.  She felt like a child again, when she was alone and dependent on nobody but herself.  She recalled all those years after she had first settled in Sharance, when she would disappear into the forest, sometimes for days, and live comfortable in the wilderness.  But she would return; she would always return.

Then the loneliness set in. However, she knew her journey was not over, so she found civilization again.  Raven stayed in a large town that was much larger and much busier than Sharance. She rented a small apartment and made a meager amount of money by sending jewellery back to Gaius at the shop.  An indefinite amount of time was a long time for her father-figure to spend running the shop on his own, especially without the extra income that came from Raven’s accessories.  She did not really interact with any of the citizens of the town, and she blended into the crowd.

However, Raven had come to this town with a purpose in mind.  One of the defining features of the town was a massive library.  The library was an old church that had once belonged to a religion that was all but forgotten.  Now, the massive interior was overflowing with thousands and thousands of books.  She spent days among the literature, searching for any sort of answers that would help her to better understand herself, her body, her curse.

She must have read nearly a hundred books on curses and monsters and magic before she finally found an answer she was looking for.

FILED UNDER: Curses TITLE: Transmutation Magic SUBSECTION: The Forbidden Phoenix CHAPTER: Lost to Time

One paragraph read as follows:

When man craved the power of the gods, they cursed their families. Passed on from generation to generation, this spell is irreversible, supposedly as a punishment for misusing the powerful magic that had been granted to so few.  The spell can skip generations, or it may only be passed on to a portion of the monster’s children.  As a result, the descendants of these mages have long since gone extinct. The spell had been forbidden, and ultimately, lost to time.

The rest of the chapter was informative, but she had finally found what she was looking for.  After a lifetime of research, those 80 words answered so many of the questions she had always had.  She spent weeks mulling over this information, reading over the same sentences over and over again.  Acting out in rage in her room, spending the small amount of money she had on alcohol to drown out the pain, and crying until she was choking on her own tears. It took time to accept, but she could not give up as there was still one more important part of her journey, and she refused to allow this knowledge stop her from finishing what she had started.

During her stay in such a large town, she saw countless families with their small children held closely to their chests or toddling along beside them.  She thought of being a mother, even with this new information so pertinent in her mind.

Finally, one day she sent a letter to Gaius, containing the few rings he had requested, along with a brief message (normally her packages contained nothing but jewellery, as she wanted to minimize contact with her old life as much as possible).  I’m moving. Don’t send anymore letters to this address.  I’ll send again once I have settled in to my new home.

And then she was off.

Her final destination was far, but she finally reached it, grateful that her wings could help her travel so quickly.  On the outskirts of a small town, there was a large, isolated building.  She went inside.

The main room was a circle with nothing but a few chairs and a desk.  On either side of the circle there were doors leading to different parts of the building.  The door on the right said “OFF LIMITS” in big, dark letters.  A dwarf woman sat at the front desk, obviously startled by Raven’s sudden appearance.

Raven had to make a case for herself.  The building was an orphanage, and she wanted to volunteer at the old, dilapidated building.

The only child Raven had been around since she was very young was Monica, but Monica had grown up, and Raven needed to understand herself better.  She needed to know if she was patient enough to be a mother. She needed to know if she even had a single motherly bone in her body.

The dwarven woman had given in, believing Raven’s story that she had been adopted from a young age and just wanted to give back to the system that had saved her (all lies). She spent the next several months among the dozens of children that the orphanage cared for.  Some children were young and full of energy, while others had been there for years and had regressed into something that was so similar to what Raven was like when she was a child.

She sent a message to Gaius, telling her where she was, and that she might not have as much time to work on the jewellery, but she would still try to send as many pieces as possible (the children, as it turned out, loved watching her work and many even insisted that they help her to the best of their abilities).  Along with that message, she sent her first letter to Phillip, though she decided against leaving a return address.  Just be patient for a few more months.  I miss you.  That was all the letter had said.

At first Raven was hesitant around the children, but all of them warmed up to her so quickly that she felt her heart open up immediately.  She loved them.  She loved every single one of them, though one particular child stood out.  The child was mute, but Raven understood her regardless.  They bonded, the child was adopted, and it seemed like that was Raven’s sign that it was time for her to leave.

During her stay at the orphanage, Raven forgot about her old life.  She forgot about all the uncertainties she had, and she forgot about all the fear she had felt.

She knew who she was.

The trip home took a long time, and Raven relished in her final days living among the wilderness, but she was also ready to go home.  Once she finally reached Sharance, she spent a little over a week settling in before she finally made the trip to go visit Phillip.

Raven had no idea that Konohana was having a bazaar that day, so she was surprised when she saw the small town so loud and crowded.  But she pushed through the crowd and found him.  There he was, talking to two girls that she recognized as being citizens of the small town, though she had only ever spoken to them in passing.  She stared at him, her face blank, afraid, unsure of what she should say or do.