I’m starting my new job on Monday and I’m having complex trains of thought that I don’t think I consciously understand and am finding myself crying at seemingly the oddest triggers.

It feels like the end of an era; I’m finished 3rd level education for the foreseeable future. I’m starting a job in my field and my day to day life is going to change dramatically.

I’ve had the same weekend job for just over 5 years. I’ve been able to spend every second weekend with my mother. That is more time together than with any other member of my family, and for the most part, it was lovely. I’m going to miss it so much.

I’ve had the summer since I finished college classes basically to spend how I liked. I spent nearly all of it with Noelle and it was so wonderful. I only worked weekends so I had all the hours in the days between Sunday night and Friday afternoon to spend with her. As of Monday however, it will invert. She’ll be living with her parents like she had been all summer while working on her hats and her new business, while I’m living in town and commuting an hour each way to work. I’m so upset about this. I feel like I’m letting her down, or abandoning her. Her days are pretty hard, and I know I’ve been helping get her through them. She’s told me that I have no reason to feel selfish but I do, I’m going and taking a job in another county, and losing out on all the hours in the day that I’d rather be spending with her.

I’ve had an emotionally complicated relationship with my family for as long as I remember. I’ve always been standoffish with my parents and sisters, it makes family things like tonight’s going away party for my little sister particularly hard. I’d love to be bubbly and involved in the conversation, but instead, I find myself trying to find a quiet place to hide. It’s always the same too. I don’t understand the feelings and emotions I feel relating to my relationships with my family, but I want to work on that and perhaps that should be something I bring up early on when I start to see a new therapist in a few weeks.

I’ve been toing and froing over getting back into seeing a therapist for months now, but with seemingly everything in my life changing, I think now is a good time to do it. I’m getting weary of pushing down emotions and feelings so that I can try to be there for others or to save those feelings to evaluate later.

I’m just after finishing up my first week of college for the semester. The workload looks to be ok with the exception of my final year project. 

So when I got to my girlfriend’s house last night there shouldn’t be any reason for why I burst into tears and sobbed for 30 minutes. Right?

At the end of it and talking about what was going on (my girlfriend is beyond understanding and patient like no other person I’ve ever met. And has her own mental health challenges for years and experience that trumps my own) I got down to what I think has been bothering me for a while now.

I’m facing into the 10 year anniversary of my friend’s father’s death.

10 years ago I was sleeping over at my best friend’s house. We got up in the morning and went playing games in his sitting room. At some point, we heard his mother saying his father’s name in a panic. We both rushed into his workroom (the utility room filled with computers and a washing machine) where he was slumped over his desk. He was dead. I froze. I watched my friend break down and go over to his father and cry. I didn’t know what to do. I remember his mother asking me to go get a pillow from the room and saying a frantic prayer when I was there.

I think I was afraid to intervene and try to do CPR. It’s hard to remember. The rest of the time is like a whirlwind. An ambulance was called, family was called and eventually, I said that they should all go to the hospital now and I’ll lock up the house. I was alone in the house for a few minutes completely in a daze. I locked the front door and walked home, a good 1.5 KM alone, in silence.

I got home and my dad asked me what was up and I told him. I was in shock and just sat on the couch trying to distract myself until I got a group MSN messenger chat from out group of friends in a panic about our friend’s dad dying.

From here it's just a mess of memories. We all went over to our friend’s house. I still needed time so I walked over to a nearby supermarket to be alone while my parents went to the house. I bought a bottle of pepsi max ad slowly walked over, realising what had happened.

The next few days were spent with my friend, playing games ad keeping spirits up. The next weekend I was supposed to go on a trip with a group thing I was doing with the youth centre and nobody was sure I was up for it. I did go but everyone knew what I’d just been through. I could see it in their eyes and the way they’d talk at a distance from me.

When I got home on Sunday night, I had school work to do, specifically maths homework, to prepare for mock state exams the following week. I had a severe breakdown trying to work through some maths problem and I cried for hours.

That night I went from an A maths student to a D maths student and would go on to become a failing maths student.

I blamed myself for my friend’s dad’s death. I’d been taught first aid since I was 6 in scouts.I’d been thought how to call 999 in an emergency for someone since I was able to talk (My aunt has type 1 diabetes and is prone to go into comas). I was prepared to do CPR for my life but when I was faced with the need to practise it, I froze and didn’t think of it.

I blamed myself for his death for years and became very conscious of not letting myself freeze in these kinds fo situations ever again.

Failing my maths exams ment that I didn’t get into college. I would fail maths again the following year, while all my friends went off to college and I moved schools to take a 1 year course to cover 2 years of material. I would then move to cork to try and get an associates degree in architectural draughting only to fail that at the last moment and then cram for 3 weeks to take my maths exam again. I got a B1.

That summer I started going out with my girlfriend and I started to become a better person and started to talk about the things that I’d been through and how I felt. Previously I was in a long distance relationship with a born-again christian from arizona who was a despicable human being.

I grew and did a lot of other things and when I turned 23 was able to apply to college as a mature student. This ment that my state exam results didn’t matter for my application. I was accepted and started and am about to finish in a few months.

I think it was about 2 years ago I finally asked my friend what had happened to his dad. He was shocked that I didn’t know. We didn’t talk about that day and actually stopped hanging out for a long time. Things were not the same after that and I thought I was because he blamed me.

The dude had a genetic heart condition that had reduced its strength. It’s actually unclear if CPR would have worked. I still think it would have but I’ll always think that I guess.

I’ll always blame myself I think.

Right now I’m fragile and can’t afford to be. I’ve 2 months to create a game for my final year project and worry about my other classes.

The only person I have supporting my is my girlfriend and I feel very alone.

I should have done it years before I did but I was super afraid to, incase I was wrong about what I was going through