Fail Film 1: The Return of Captain Invincible
Ever seen the Incredibles? As I watched the beginning, all I could think is "Pixar must have seen this movie." Captain Invincible (Alan Arkin) was a cheesy hero during the 1940s who brought down Nazi planes and inspired little boyscouts to become the President of the United States (remember this point), and happened to be caught on film beating down gangsters. Yes, he was brilliant until they began to question his red cape in the 1950s. Apparently, a red cape means you're a communist. Tell that to Superman, why don't you... Rejected, Captain Invincible becomes an alcoholic in Australia, becoming lost for years.
Fast forward years later, when the President of the United States (Michael Pate) and his loyal cabinet discover their Australian defense base full of naked women and giggling people. Turns out the earlier stolen Giggle Ray has been used to steal the Hypno Ray! Oh no! Of course, the cabinet declares it is the fault of the Russian communists. The President has a simple response: BULLSHIT!
Remember that kid who wanted to be President? Yeah, he made it. He's the President now and he has full faith that he will be able to find Captain Invincible and he will get the Hypno-Ray back and catch the villain.
Now, who is the villain in this movie? It's none other than Saruman... I mean, Mr. Midnight. Christopher Lee plays yet another villain with the goal to use the Hypno Ray to move all non-White people out of the US and kill them.
Not only does he want to kill all the minorities, but he feeds slugs to a wooden frog! How dastardly! His squeamish alien sidekick doesn't much like this side of his master, but enjoys the orgies he has in Mr. Midnight's evil crib. It is seen later that he has to fight the foreign servant for his spot with the two ladies, but back to the plot.
Now, Captain Invincible is stumbling around Australia (what a coincidence!), where an ambitious police officer, Patty Patricia (Kate Fitzpatrick) watches him kick a car of criminals off the road and continue walking on. Bingo! There's her new rise to fame. She tries to get him to come back to the president, he says that he is too drunk unable to tell the good guys from the bad guys. As she turns away, the ever-fanboy of a President comes to beg for his return. This gets Captain Invincible going - he's off to train!
Of course, he first must remember how to use his powers. What are these powers? He can fly, become a magnet, and have a computer like ability to gain information - in other words a robot. However, it seems that all his training fails, though he does start attracting everything after seeing Patty's butt wiggle. This power inducing butt wiggle, along with a wanna-be seductive doo-wop song not even sung by the actress, encourages Invincible that he can do it. Next day, he uses his computer brain to discover that one villain could be found at a vacuum store, afterwards going into a computer-brain malfunction and a sucky scene in which he and Patty are attacked by snake-vacuums, controlled by Mr. Midnight. After that, the Captain remembers his nemesis and decides it's time to attack after deciding it must be Midnight behind the Hypno Ray's theft.
Unfortunately for the Cap, Midnight's used the Hypno Ray to make all of Australia turn against him and Patty. Time to flee! After a song about the evil of Mr. Midnight in which you see Midnight with his harem of women, the Captain takes Patty for a magic carpet ride, in which he is the carpet.
They make a quick flight over to New York City, where he sulks for a little while about the loss of patriotism as he looks out from his Statue of Liberty crown room. Eventually, he makes it out to a deli, in which he finds a member of Midnight's gang. This fight scene is not much better than the last one.
After falling into Midnight's lair, he is offered his choice of alcohol. This distraction ALMOST wins him over, but Patty decides to transmit "God Bless America" to the Captain's radio, allowing him to overcome the temptation and stop Mr. Midnight before he could create "a fresh Manhattan/ With white Anglo-Saxons everywhere."
"Evil Midnight"
This is a fantastic duet by Arkin and Lee talking about the evil of Mr. Midnight. The song has a great melody, and the scenes are far too entertaining to skip over.
Christopher Lee
This man in the role of Mr. Midnight was a ton of fun to watch. That man was born to be a villain. I am predisposed towards all performances by him as many who know me understand, but he is just fantastic in this role. I cannot stop recommending his solo song.
"Heaven in Your Eyes"
This song was just far too weird. The entire scene is awkward, as Fitzpatrick seems to seduce Captain Invincible. The song, actually sung by Beth Lawrence, seems rather tinny and irritating. It's another one of those damn love ballad things, a failure of an attempt at recreating an old fifties sound.
The Opening Montage
Really, this opening made me unsure if they were trying to mock superheroes or if they really thought they were doing a good job at introducing Captain Invincible.
"We Need a Hero"
This sounded like a bad attempt at getting a spiritual song together. I wanted to cover my ears up and just let it pass over me.
Kate Fitzpatrick
Her acting was flimsy, her actions were clearly faked, and it was just a poorly played role overall. Her movement to "help" Invincible by her own ideas is so disgustingly fake. Her character is only there to have her bra exposed due to magnetic powers and to shoot things with guns. Also, her seduction-like scene just was a failure.
Mr. Midnight: Same old dreary demands. Self righteous, messianic, moralistic and increasingly tedious.
Captain Invincible: Fine talk from a sociopath paranoid schizophrenic with delusions of grandeur.
Mr. Midnight: Thank you.
This song combination, opening with "Bullshit" and leading into "We Need a Hero"
Man vs. Vacuum - the attack of the Hoovers
"They're sucking all the air out of the room!"
The Fish-Gun in the deli-fight scene.
The fast paced scene in Mr. Midnight's lair in which his alien sidekick and his servant take turns and then fight over having threesomes with the two leather-clad ladies in the background as Mr. Midnight calmly eats his dinner.
The consummation of his birth, watched over by aliens. After the woman notices them and is asked how the sex is, she responds to her man, "Out of this world."
After accidentally activating his magnetic powers, this is what happens.
Next week, I'll be watching a surfer movie! What should it be: Surf Ninjas or Surf Nazis Must Die? Stay tuned and let me know if you plan on watching this movie!
