#therecovery

Looking back at a lot of my old posts. Wow. I can’t say I’m happy now, but I can say I feel healthier. I feel more stable. More alert. More here. Some days still feel like I am watching a movie of myself, but its getting to that line where you aren’t sure if the issue is the normalcy of monotony, and not a reduction of one’s self from the world. 

I feel here. I feel aware, and I am eating. A LOT. Like a pendulum I have finally swung from eating a small 500 calorie meal once every 24 hours to eating TOO MUCH. SO MUCH. 

I’m ready to turn my life around. For anybody else out there struggling with eating issues, I would say this, go easy on yourself. The problem is not the food. Or the lack of it. Or at least it wasn’t for me. It was the control. 

When you feel like you are at the bottom of a well and its endless darkness all around, and you can’t do ANYTHING.  

Why not control the one thing that you could? What you allow into your body. Also, food sits funny in you. Perhaps its a problem of getting older too, but you know what it feels like. Some foods feel heavier than others. Sit longer. Make the stomach not able to clench as well.

The stomach, that is clenching from stress.

Treat the stress first has been my experience. Treat the stress and anxiety and the need to be in control by going to see a therapist. I saw one once a week for a year. Things stayed hard, but the therapist helped me keep my head above water when I felt like I was at the bottom of a well with no way out. The well didnt go away, sure. Some hard stuff does not go away.

BUT.

Therapists and medical professionals can help you learn how to cope with it. How to hold on to SOMETHING instead of just resting down there,. laying down there, letting things happen to you.

It took a year. And now I have swung back in the other direction, stress eating. I’m still vitamin deficient (hello long-term effects) but I’m getting there. Now I just have to change what I eat. Now I just have to accept that the same coping mechanisms that helped me when i was at my lowest, can help me when I am at my midpoint.

Even when I think I am better.

I am better.

But I want to stay better and if that means going back to therapy, then so be it. So we will see. This is me. I swear I’m the bubbliest person you may ever meet. And maybe this is on my mind because sometimes I feel that people look at me and go, “She’s so happy.So positive! So bubbly!” Like they are angry to see it. As if I have not suffered the bumps and scrapes of hard things.

sharp things.

Dark things.

I have been hurt and I have licked my wounds. But if I am to keep going in this world, if I am going to keep walking, running, jumping, spinning, dancing

talking loving laughing

so much laughing

then I have to be able to laugh

I have to be able to smile

because If I can’t smile at the DAMN SUN

a blade of grass

my dog’s paws

then what the heck am I here for?

What the heck am I doing it all for?

So for all the bubbly people you think haven’t experienced anything rough, we have. 

We aren’t smiling for you. 

“It’s a beautiful beginning, full of sights and sounds of busy minds. Hmm! Wondering if these happenings are sourced from sound minds. Boy! Extend my kind message to the media men crowded over there. ”  “I’m listening, boss.” “They should exercise patience; I won’t break a word but tomorrow………..”  That was the end of one part of my life elsewhere.

Really, it speaks loud and very unclear, mostly at times when the white clouds gather to hide the blue skies. The effect, very tremendous, especially when the great transformation is established by the cool air that sweeps across our inherited soils, and the frowning of the white mass which cast darkness over all mortals and lifeless objects. The heavenly stones may belt as water escapes the irritated clouds, and the light produced could construct a narrow path which sometimes give rise to simple patterns of its kind. The ancient fathers claimed that the heavenly stones strike before thrusting their voice through the celestial sphere. But indisputably, she sometimes comes unannounced.

A volume of tales have been told about their nature but the message remains a puzzle to the inhabitants of Kita. The days of migration to this settlement cannot be told without breaking words of the ferocious tussle which brought much anarchy to the summit of Mount Teta. Clearly, the various tribes of present day Kita had their share of the mental battle which ensued between them and the Lords of the sky. The late old Donald said, “It was a moment conquered with spirited struggle for safety space and a timely desire to be released.” Deception may be a good depiction of the event but prior to that colossal clash, Kitans thought the cross which stood on Mount Teta carried a message from their forefathers.

It was told that their muscles and bony framework had developed weaknesses from the day’s journey so they took some rest at the base of Mount Teta. Sleep was hard to find for some but to others, it was a delight keeping their nostrils and mouths busy with tunes they hadn’t composed for years. The nocturnal creatures also added their soft voices until everybody was almost wide awake. The cocks had as well crowed for some time, in anticipation that the last man pleasuring the charms of sleep could wake up to spread some grains for breakfast. The songbirds sang amidst flying from one tree to the other. The gigantic heap of fine and coarse sands before them had rich stocks of sparkling rocks shaded by palm trees and waving ferns which rooted from the base until they got buried in the neighbourhood of the first clouds. Approximately 885 stretched arms of middle aged Kitan women can altogether gauge the height of Mount Teta from the bottom.  

Moments later, caked bread and a beverage made from dried dandelion leaves was served to break the night’s fast. The ambiance away from Mount Teta was neither warm nor cold and many faces smiled to compliment the weather. The heads of families were also hopeful the cross rooted on Teta could be a good indicator for their voyage since they had lost their bearings while in search for a better place to settle. As for their abandoned abodes, the lava from the Fire Mountain wouldn’t stop invading them until mother earth gives it an alternate feeding ground.

Initially, a unanimous decision was made on the matter and preparations were underway.  However, an old midwife suggested, “Only those born after normal duration of pregnancy should follow the leaders to the peak of the mountain.” But the elders resisted. “What’s this old lady nagging about? Is any woman in labour? Perhaps she’s now a soothsayer” They made fun of her.

That wasn’t long until fathers started leading their families as the young ones held tight to their mothers. The mist which had swallowed the mid portion of Mount Teta as well as its peak began to fade out. The indicator at the apex became very prominent as the narrow path from the base increased behind the pilgrims. Noisy sounds of water which gushed out of an indented rocky portion of the mountain were heard as they climbed up the mountain. The waterfall flows directly into a river which expands along its course. The journey was a little easier than they had imagined though they spent a quarter of the day’s light trudging on the tortuous mountain. The old were the cause of the delay.

“Barely a moment ago, adrenaline was pulsing, expectations couldn’t be underestimated and all eyes gazed beyond the planes for a historic trek. And there lies the prize we charged our vim for” a hunter grumbled. Even the chief herbarium couldn’t make out the species of that plant.

It was a fully grown tree with a green bark and two branches emanating opposite each other. The branches were on the three-fourth level of its stem as seen from the ground. The most prominent buttress root measured approximately the sum of the heights of nine young Kitan men from the west branch. The other branch pointed towards the direction of the early morning Sun. Noticeably, only dried leaves survived on the eastern branch and the western one bore slightly curled and yellow leaves. The stem may fit into the circle formed by six female adolescents when doing the traditional whirling dance.

Shortly, river Ed engulfed a third of the sun and there was no sign of the divine direction they had expected for their voyage. A dark threatening shadow suddenly covered the blue skies from beneath. Mount Teta’s peak runs into abject turmoil. The atmospheric peace was thrown into an unimaginable chaos. A cloud of dust formed a pact with all directions of the violent wind. The anonymous tree stood stable without waving any of its leaves. The clothes of Kitans started struggling to loosen off their staggering bodies. There were no nature’s refuge and enough space to run for cover. Midnight darkness had ambushed the entire vicinity. A few moments passed and all they saw were the lightning display which was believed to have sourced from the switch in the Sky Lord’s compound. Inadvertently, a second force accompanied the former. Their haphazard behaviour could be likened to the waves and tides of the Gulf of Zo. It sang anthems with its ferocious voice. But the magnificent nature of the thunder they were familiar with was far beyond what they experienced. “Probably, the Rain thunder and its twin sister might have merged strengths for this event.”

Lightning and cracks of thunder emerged from all angles of the sky. Emotions and bodily tension built among Kitans and an unexpected drama possessed their psyche. They heard voices from the thunder and saw flaming epistles in the lights which formed in the clouds. Kitans held tightly to each other anytime the twin sisters put up a performance. But the curiosity of some optimistic individuals couldn’t prevent them from looking at the burning letters. “Can’t tell if it was an illusion or otherwise. Hmm! it was very abrupt.”  

Time whiled away and it was miraculous to see everything restore to calm. The day reappeared like the birth of a new indigene. It was morning again. The smiling sun arrived quickly and the air was utterly enriched with freshness. The atmosphere was clearer than before but only the ambiguous feelings about timing remained inert in the minds of Kitans. The day restarted after that horrific moment. A few later realized times had changed and everything seemed to have moved ahead. “Such people were quite strange in their thoughts and perceptions. But others were still the old Kitans I knew.” Old Donald explained.

After building their homes a distant away from Mount Teta, it was so obvious to distinguish between the old and the transmuted Kitans. “Perhaps, these aliens might be persons who were expelled from their mother’s womb before the expected time. It was even demonstrated that the great transformation occurred among some identified individuals who were once preterm babies.” But old Donald couldn’t understand the reason behind the midwife’s caution so he posed a lot of questions to his great grandma. “That was the last bedtime story she told me about our people and their history. The night took her last breath away!” Old Donald yelled to me.