#therapy.

me: i mean technically i have half a year to find a job. I wanted to move next year, BEFORE my roommate moves out.

brain: WHAT ARE YOU DOOIINNGG EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

TRYING IM TRYING THERES ONLY SO MUCH AVAILABLE IDK HOW IM SUPPOSED TO GET A JOB IF I CANT DRIVE AND NOBODY NEARBY HIRES ME I GUESS ILL DIE

Also made goals at my group and it’s: to combat my crazy shame monster, piss off my inner critic a couple times a week.

Any affordable apartment wants me to have 2x or 3x the rent or ‘rent can’t be 30% or more of your income’. KILL YOURSELVES!!!

Got my Kitty back. Surprised she came in a wooden box, the last cat I was around for the cremation of (Leo), was put in a paper box. The bottom slides open (almost dumped her ashes on my lap on accident). The letter came with a pamphlet about grief.

The whole thing was like $400 so it makes sense that it’s Nice. It really should be at that price.

Idk how I’m feeling still. Generally controlled by the logic part of my brain. Though it’s being much gentler than usual. (Logic part of my brain prone to screaming at me for never doing anything logically,,, but logically grief isn’t logical, so I guess there’s no steam to get caught up in). But the logic is like ‘this shit happens, you theorhetically know what you want to do to honor her, just focus on that’. I’m still sad but I’m so cut off from my feelings sometimes it’s almost hard to tell.

I want and wish I could wail and cry and mourn deeply. But my heart just can’t take that shit anymore I imagine. So much of that at a young age and never tended to gently. So my heart and brain just go ‘no point, don’t get upset, nothing will save you or fix your situation, worse yet it’ll become a problem for you or someone else’.

Agghh. I’m coping at least. It’s not like I’m doing anything too bad in my grief. I’m keeping up with my SAGA goal of brushing my teeth daily. I’ve been eating more sweets than usual perhaps, and I’m not that hungry in general too,,, weed has been a crutch as usual, but I’m keeping an eye on it, I am trying.

People are looking out for me in whatever capacity they can. I get hugs. I get advice. Its somethin.

Logic brain: I’m lookin towards how much it costs to get ash pressed into jewelry,,,, $30 to $300 for resin or glass,,, up to $1000 if you want somethin jewel-adjacent (‘pressed Diamond’ etc). Ughhh. What about wild violets, where do they grow? Violets grow from March to June (good, nice)—- but they’re more native to Eastern North America (AUGH). Googling Violets in Home Town like pls. Worst case scenario— I gotta plant em myself.

Woke up to tinnitus.

IVE NEVER HAD TINNITUS THIS IS SO ANNOYING THE RINGING WONT STOP NOOOOOO

Pls why isn’t this a NIGHTMARE I cannot have TINNITUS I’m not THAT BAD to my ear canals AHHHHH.