Feb 7, 2019
you ever play therapist w yourself ?? i don’t have a therapist (i need one) and supplement therapy w therapizing myself sometimes intentionally sometimes subconsciously.
yes i know what this says abt me.
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you ever play therapist w yourself ?? i don’t have a therapist (i need one) and supplement therapy w therapizing myself sometimes intentionally sometimes subconsciously.
yes i know what this says abt me.
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sometimes i envy @battlestardidactica their weird weird brand of everything-matters people-can-be-closeread psych (by which i mean, uh, the entire field of psychoanalysis), basically entirely because i feel this pressure in therapy to bring things up that are productive, or problematic in productive ways, that can be read and advised on and solved. there is, probably, more space for me to be unproductive or self-indulgent than i’m allowing myself to believe, but imagine having it be explicit that it’s not actually the most unimaginable waste for me to try to closeread my intense resentment of my apartment shower for an hour or so
ok that’s not really what i’m mad about. i think what i want is to just express my feelings, even the petty ones, even the stupid ones, even that thing where i admit to myself that i feel actively wounded and mistreated every time the shower in this apartment runs out of hot water less than ten minutes in, which is every time i shower, and have it be treated like something legitimate. what i actually want is for it to be allowed in its own right; i want someone to nod and validate and agree that it’s okay for me to feel about things and even that maybe it’s okay to be upset that i can’t get to the end of washing my hair without the water going, that that’s genuinely annoying and shitty. but i’d take having my emotions be valuable as a source of data for deeper analysis, that would at least make them permissible.Â
what would someone even say as a “useful” problem-solving response to that, though? i can’t imagine it, so i can’t tell my therapist about it, and if i can’t tell my therapist something i certainly can’t subject anyone else to listening to me talk about it
thursday morning mood: “girls just wanna have fun” blasting in the starbucks you’re sitting in because your therapist texted you to say she’d be half an hour late to your appointment after you already woke up an hour early to catch the train
last week I was talking to my therapist and described something as “trigger[ing] my father’s fits of anger”. she said it was interesting that i’d used that word, because she’d noticed that her adolescent patients use “triggered” to sincerely describe the induction of any negative feelings and was very confused by their misuse of clinical terminology as teen slang. which meant i then had to explain the “MI internet community using trigger warnings—> anti-TW backlash and mockery by future alt-right communities—> semantic drift into sincere usage of the mockingly over-broad usage of the word” progression [note that the last step there is more surmise on my part than direct observation]. i didn’t ask the actual question i wanted to ask there, which was “does your bringing that up mean you think i’m misusing the word as well? does it mean you think i’m wrong to have been afraid of him? do you think i’m exaggerating? can i prove to you i know what i’m talking about?”
overall the tone of the interaction was pleasant and informative but slightly wrong-footed, like how i try to say “maladaptive” in her sentence before she can every time she explains to me about coping mechanisms inappropriately retained from childhood.
lmao i am SO uncomfortable saying im “traumatized” or have experienced trauma or whatever because like, that’s Not My Word, but also it turns out i am full of medium-level Tragic Backstory
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unfortunately, my therapist told me last week that my needs are valid, so i can never take therapy seriously again,
guess who emailed a couple of fucking therapists to ask about consultations: i did! i fucking did!
feeling BIG sad right now and I wish I knew why. Well, I think I know but I'm not sure.
Cuz it first started out as frustration as a sibling like just annoyance that has now snowballed into this AAAAA I HATE EVERYTHING THE WORLD SUCKS I WANNA KMS type of feeling but I know that its irrational so I'm minimizing it by habit.
Its a little different the usual meltdowns and I've already ruled out basic needs as the snowballing took place over the course of a few days.
It feels like stored kinetic energy in my body that I wish I could release but bc I can't I'm big sad instead.