#therapeutic processing

As a person living with Cystic Fibrosis, I have had an extraordinary life. Yes, it has been difficult, but when I look back at all the friends that are no longer with us, I have to be grateful.  My sister and I, have outlived so many.  While my heart continues to break when I think of so many of my friends who were not able to experience half the things I have been fortunate to see, do, and feel; I am grateful that in some minor way, they had victory through me.

Why am I writing this now? First, I doubt anyone I know will ever see it.  Second, in the last year, I have been painfully reminded that CF is progressive.  It will not going to get better, no matter how much I work, it will progress.  A little clarification, I am a workout addict, healthy eater, diligent (well, mostly) manager of my health and the encourager to my sister and friends.  To quote a text from a friend today “I am crazy intuitive” and provide “encouragement and wisdom.”  Great description that I should feel proud and honored about, but in truth, I feel like a hypocrite. 

As I dutifully respond to the uncertainty in her life, encouraging her to remember how special she is and to stop living in her head filling it with doubt and fear. Reminding her of all her gifts and possessing a loving heart which draws others to her.  That allowing doubt into her heart would suffocate her spirit.  Regrettably, all she really needed is a hug from someone who accepts her unconditionally, but I am over 3000 miles away.

So as our text session went on, which quickly became a skype session, I was sitting in the midst of not doubt, but certainty that I am tired of this life, of fighting, of doing everything right and still the CF progressed.  I should be proud, excited, feeling blessed...I have so much to be thankful for, but alas, I am fighting anger, bitterness, and if I dare admit it, depression.  

I know some might think it's okay to feel these things, but in my head, I feel like a hypocrite and a coward.  I feel shame knowing that so many great and loving friends and family have not had, nor enjoyed, my opportunities.  So here I am now, struggling everyday to stay encouraged and hopeful.