#thepressureinside

Hey, It is I, Pressures.

I have realised over the last months to years that I am not particularly good at thinking actively... as in, I can think passively very well... understanding things, connecting the dots, making associations between different things... but most of what I think is a reaction to my surroundings... I see the motives behind what people say in a conversation, or think about a sign while I see it, think about a picture while its infront of me, but I find it very hard to think independantly of an input... if I try and have a conversation with myself, it fizzles to a halt very quickly... and yet when im writting, Its a lot easier for me to actually finish thinking a thought... I can think about myself without things seeming banal... when I think about my own thoughts, about myself, I get confused... it may be like a dog trying to catch its own tail... everytime I think of my own thoughts, that is a thought to be thought about, etc. as soon as I think about myself thinking about a subject, I think about the subject and not about my thoughts on the subject... when im writing or typing I can actually finish a thought... I am not just having a monolog in my head, I am actually putting output into the world... something that I can, but need not read. I can start a new topic, if i have a thought i want to explore, I can, and I wont forget about it because I nolonger have the input which caused the initial thought infront of me. At the moment, for example, I have a series of topics in my mind which i am rather afraid of forgetting or am unsure why i dont think about them. 

What do I want to study?

how do I actually feel about the appointment I had at the doctors in munich?

Do I really constantly need "saving" by other people?

Do I really want to travel?

Where do I want to live?

How present am I really in the physical world at the moment?

Whats with begging?

Now, these topics may seem a little garbled to anybody actually reading this, but they make sense to me, and this post is basically only here for me to figure these things out for myself. I really dont expect anybody to read it... in fact, Ill put that as a title, to not waste anybodies time. (also post onto pressureabove ..nobody whos horny wants a load of text without the warmth of skin in it)

Now that thats sorted, I can get back to the topics I want to think about. I just thought of another topic to think about, so im going to be just adding them into the text like so.

What happens at school?

Think about your book for a while!

And im realizing that the main problem im going to face is that i dont know how im going to start out with these topics. I guess I just have to start with a random comment on the title, and work from there, I suppose.

Getting lost in your own head? whats all that about?

Do I really need saving by other people? My initial response is the instant rebuke that I gave, and thought with all my mind when it was suggested: NO!! Of course not!

And then I realized that I am constantly saved. I was saved by my brother when I was exhausted hopeless and alone on the mountain in Scottland. I was saved when I got out of the mountains, when I ended up, exhausted on the road only to find that the town I had expected did not really exist. I was rescued when I started stumbling spiritually when I got back to my home town and noticed how the lives of people around me influenced me... dragged me down... how the aims of other people crept into my life... how even though I had lived without time while traveling, people said things like "lets meet up at 4", and suddenly, time was relevant again. how somebody said "you can stay at my place", and suddenly the park was no longer a worthy home. and yet I still dont know why I have a problem with sleeping outside

why is sleeping rough a problem for me?

I was starting to feel really negative, and I didnt know why, and then I was reminded to not have expectations, and to silence my ego, and then I started feeling better instantly, thus, saved.

And last night, I was travelling back from Munich, and got to a gas station on the motorway while hitchhiking, and it was 21:00 when I arrived at the station, 

why do I kill bugs if they are a nuisance to me? How is that ethically acceptable?

and by midnight it was clear that I was no longer going to get another lift anytime soon. And yet I had had the intention of getting back to my fathers flat that night. My father was expecting me, and calling me. And eventually, when I made my frustration at the nigh-certainty that i was no longer going to get another lift clear to him over the phone, he said me he would pick me up. And thus, again, I was saved. And yet, looking back I had so many choices... so many chances... it was dark, so i could not leave the gasstation without a car at night, but if I had taken my rucksack and sat down with my book for 7 hours in the fast food restaurant next to the gas station i could have left at dawn after spending enjoyable hours reading, or indeed sleeping. At first light I would have had much better chances hitchhiking, or I could have set out on foot and walked the 8 km it was to the next town with a train station.

So why did I need saving? I did not need saving, but I wanted to be saved. I did not see the option of having an enjoyable night at the gas station. I just wanted to get away. So one thing I could carry away from the experience is that 

HOME CAN ALWAYS BE HERE 

Though maybe "Home is always Here" would be more fitting?

 Is home always here, or is home a moveable point which is ideally where I am?

however, the question remains, why i ended up being "saved". I could push away the whole term by saying i didn't need to be saved, and a solution presented itself that was better than any other solutions I could see, and I seized it. I could push away the blame from myself onto my father, whose expectations that I was going to return caused me too to have such expectations. But blame is not the issue, and if anybody should be assigned blame it should be me to myself, as i cant change other peoples behavior. So I wanted to be saved. Because being saved is nice. and i dont think the important part is the being saved part.. Im not a damsel in distress... I think it is more a case of when im in a tight spot, I feel negative, and my protection barriers come up: I want other people to help me, I want to know somebody cares, I want to not be in the situation. In Short, I want to receive help (Oral), and I want to not be in the situation (Schizoid). The other options being Masochist, Rigid and Psycho. I suppose the Masochist would endure it and blame the rest of the world for it, the Rigid would quite firmly decide never to hitchhike again, because its against the rules, and the psycho would... I dont know. I will think about it. this post is over, will be tagged for reference, and I will be posting more such thought processes in future. dont want to read them? dont read them ;)