#then ask

Me: This fictional character may be part of an under-represented group! :D And unfortunately that group being represented would have literally no impact on anyone else because they are so under-represented!

Them: No. Wrong.

I’m logical-minded.

No, this does not make me ‘super smart’ or ‘above you’ or anything stupid like that.  It means that I make decisions based on what I believe is the objectively smart thing to do based on the information that has been presented to me or acquired by myself.  I will forego food for a goal, I will appease the people around me so they don’t trigger my many, many issues.

I’ve decided to work through those issues.

I’ve decided it’s not healthy to latch onto people who would hinder that.

I’ve decided that I’m going to work on myself and figure out how to interact with the world around me.

You may not like it.  Most people, in fact, don’t.  My mother is very emotionally driven.  This does not mean she ‘follows her heart’ or that she’s ‘overly dramatic’, both of which she’s been accused of.  It means she makes decisions based on what is emotionally the best thing to do.  She will protect her children from potential threats, she will shout when she’s mad and cry when she’s sad.  She is emotionally driven.

She doesn’t like how I do things sometimes, I don’t like how she does things sometimes.  I need to ‘understand how she feels’ and ‘loosen up’.  She needs to ‘see the bigger picture’ and ‘just think about this for a second’.  These are arguments we use against each other.

Thing is that most of the world is emotionally-driven.  That’s how most people communicate.  That’s how most people work their way through the world.  That’s how most people get jobs and meet people and do normal person stuff.

Not me.  I don’t play by those rules.  And yeah, my life is different because of it.

I’m uptight.  I’m annoying.  I’m ‘goody-goody’ in some points and a ‘stickler’ in others.  I’m ‘heartless’ and ‘cold’.  And that’s how most people see me once they realize how I interact with the world.

So, yeah.  I’m going to ask things like ‘why’ and ‘why don’t you try this instead’.  Is it because I hate you and want you to fail?  Hell no.  It’s because I want you to succeed and can’t understand why you’re doing it the way you’re doing it.  It’s because all I see is screaming and kicking and no one is taking the lead and proving themselves and their cause as something worth diligent thought.  All I see is a mosh pit of anger, and anger subsides.  Feelings change and emotions fade.  Debates last.  Points last.  Logic does last.  And so does some emotion when it’s got a good foundation.

People were enslaved and treated below the standard of living in several ways.  No rights to marry.  No rights to their children.  No rights to work, food, or sleep.  These are logical points and fucking disgusting.  Slavery was shit.  People were angry, people were killed, and several revolts later and people taking the fucking lead, slavery was eventually abolished in US (after far, far, faaar too long).

And then there was fucking segregation.  No equal rights.  Couldn’t sit on a bus where you wanted to.  No equal access to water.  Education was a joke.  Laws to keep people from marrying inter racially and more.  But someone ‘Had a Dream’ where this was no longer so.  In this speech, charged by emotional fervor, he listed his points.  He made a logical speech that was charged with emotion that made people fucking care.  I respect the hell outta it.  I respect that movement.  I respect that people got together, made points, made some waves, did some pointed actions, and made some actual progress.

Now what we’ve got is stupid-ass prejudices that do no fucking good.  When I was a child, it was a black man who protected my brother and I from bullies of literally all colors, and only a white one ever dared to give me a black eye and only a white one ever tried to choke me out.  That black man was the vice principle.  When I was a kid, there was a white teacher who sat with me while I had a meltdown over not getting math and there was a black teacher who sat there patiently while I couldn’t figure out how to draw a Christmas tree and gritting my teeth and getting really angry.  Both of them were fan-fucking-tastic.  When I got to high school, our school had the biggest, most disciplined band in the entire city.  They were our pride.  And yes, they were led by a big fucking black man.  He was a big ass black man who could have probably made an excellent ninja and he was at once the sternest band director and one of the friendliest guys you’ll ever meet.  My therapist is a black lady who had to hear me spill my guts about this whole thing earlier this week.

To me, there are good people in every shade.  I’ve got hero stories about Mexicans, too, because they’re awesome.  I’ve got stories of when I’ve fucked up so bad that I actually did have to cry for forgiveness.

But this isn’t one of them.

Stereotypes of that sort were fiction to me because that’s where they belonged:  fiction.  I was of the sort that I had actual real-life models of what good people looked like, and they looked like a lot of people.  So I didn’t get the anger until it was explained to me.  And I won’t apologize for looking for a logical reason.  I won’t apologize for trying to use my brain and wondering why people would just scream when, instead, they could use those amazing explanations that I had to wrench outta some people because they didn’t think explaining things meant anything and talk to people in charge.  I won’t apologize for grieving over what I saw to be your lost shot to make a difference about this.

You guys can be really logical when you want to be.  Most of you are emotionally driven and I probably hurt your feelings.  But your feelings come and go.  So do mine, albeit sometimes a bit easier and more quickly.  Sometimes they last a really long time that feels like forever.  But your emotions are not the end-all to a discussion.

Having a dream that puts little black boys and girls in the same well-stocked and funded classroom as little white boys and girls is.

Demanding equal rights in a specific point-by-point basis is.

And yes, there are idiots out there who try to use ‘logic’ as a deterrent.  I can’t do anything about those fuckwads.  All I know is they’re not there to learn and I’m sick of their mistakes costing me.

I do not get your emotions easily.  I do not understand as easily as others around you might.  They are emotionally-driven.  I am not.

I understand achievement in the face of adversity.

I understand progress and movement.

I do not understand standing and shouting so loudly that no one can hear a single voice among the crowd.

Unfollow me if this is discomforting.

Unfollow me if you think this makes me racist.

Unfollow me if this is something you can’t live with.

Because me being me makes people uncomfortable.  But I can’t be a sounding board and maintain my sanity any longer.

I like to listen to you guys and I’d like to try to understand your emotions.  But you can’t shout another apology out of me.  I’m done apologizing for who I am.  I’m done apologizing for trying to cover a trait of mine that is very real.

I’m done.

If you leave, I won’t blame you.  If you want me to unfollow you, I’ll do that, too.  But I’m done being shouted outta asking questions when I don’t understand something.  Because unlike you, who get it instantly, I do need the stupidest crap explained to me.

It means I’m a logical person and emotional solutions are something I don’t pick up easily.  Not when there’s a logical solution I can see and offer to try.

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