#themostrandomfandom

Casting:

Brittany Pierce as Hercules

Santana Lopez as Megara

Sue Sylvester as Hades

April Rhodes as Philoctetes

Lord Tubbington as Pegasus

Kitty Wilde and Becky Jackson as Pain and Panic

The Troubletones as the Muses (with Mercedes Jones as Calliope and Sugar Motta as Terpsichore)

Noah Puckerman as Nessus the Centaur

Pierce and Whitney Pierce as Amphytrion and Alcmene

Kurt Hummel as Hermes

Stephen Hawking as Zeus

Rod Remington, Reggie Salazar, Dustin Goolsby, Sandy Ryerson, and Teri Schuester as the Titans 

Plot:

Brittany is the daughter of Stephen the King of the Gods, and it is prophesied that, eighteen years from her birth, she will defeat Sue, the Goddess of the Underworld, when Sue attempts to gain control of the cosmos.

Knowing what has been foretold, Sue stacks the cards against Brittany while Brittany is still an infant, enlisting her minions Kitty and Becky to steal Brittany away from Mount Olympus and administer a poison to her which will first strip her of her immortality and then kill her.

Fortunately for Brittany, the high-strung Kitty rushes the irritable Becky while they’re doing the job, and, in the midst of their resultant bickering, the cronies fail to make Brittany drink the poison down to the last drop. 

Their error allows Brittany not only to survive the ordeal but also to retain some vestiges of her godhood, though she is now confined to life on Earth.

In this version of the story, our protagonist is endowed not only with superhuman strength but also an otherworldly intelligence. Unfortunately for her, most mortals she enounters find these qualities off-putting.

Raised by mortal foster parents Pierce and Whitney, Brittany spends her childhood and adolescence feeling as if she is out of place. Not only is she too strong for her own good, but she is also quirky and says strange things which most people think don’t make logical sense (even though they totally do if you just think about them in the right way). The kids in her village ostracize her for not being like everybody else. 

Though her mortal parents shower her with affection, Brittany can’t shake the feeling that she was meant for something other than the life she’s living, so, when she is finally old enough, she strikes out on her own to find someplace where she truly belongs.

Wanting divine guidance, Brittany travels to a temple of the gods, where she prays for direction. To her great surprise, her prayer isn’t just answered, but it is answered in person when Stephen appears to her and tells her that she is his long-lost daughter—a goddess herself by rights.

Brittany is momentarily overjoyed, thinking that she will be recalled to the home she has never known but always longed for, but Stephen soon explains that, due to the circumstances by which she came to Earth, Brittany will not be able to claim her rightful place on Mount Olympus until she becomes a True Hero.

In order to become a True Hero, Brittany must seek out April Rhodes, the Trainer of Heroes, and prove herself worthy to have her godhood restored. To fulfill her quest, Brittany will need help, and her father gives it to her in the form of her friend from infancy, Lord Tubbington, a huge winged cat who will serve as Brittany’s heroic steed.

Excited to finally know her purpose in life, Brittany flies with Lord Tubbington to the dark and mysterious island where April Rhodes lives.

Whatever Brittany was expecting a Trainer of Heroes to be like, what she finds on the island certainly isn’t it: April is a short, drunken, licentious satyr woman with questionable hygiene and even more questionable morals, and, worse yet, she says she has retired from the hero-training business and laughs in Brittany’s face when Brittany tries to explain that her father is the King of the Gods.

April eventually admits that she gave up on training heroes after her last several trainees failed her and “couldn’t go the distance.” Though she had once dreamed of having one of her heroes framed in the stars, now she is content to leer at pretty people and eat junk food. She isn’t interested in being disappointed again, and especially not by some scrawny blonde girl who talks like a mad-lib.

Thankfully, Stephen provides some “divine intervention” to change April’s mind, and so April commences training Brittany, teaching her the rules of heroism and exercising her, both body and mind. 

With April’s help, Brittany develops both a heroic stature and an equally heroic wit to match.

Eventually, Brittany begs April to let her off the island and out into the world to prove her mettle. April agrees that Brittany is ready for a “road test,” so off they fly on Lord Tubbington, looking for their first adventure.

That adventure turns out to be rescuing a “D.I.D.”—damsel in distress—who is being carried away by centaur river god named Noah. Though Brittany assures the damsel that she has the situation under control and will soon have her free, the damsel doesn’t seem to be interested in receiving Brittany’s help.

“I’m a damsel. I’m in distress. I can handle this,” she snarks.

Not about to be deterred from completing her first real act of heroism, Brittany charges into battle with Noah, and, despite a few mishaps, manages to use both her brawn and her brains to knock the knucklehead out—and, in so doing, she rescues the damsel after all.

The damsel’s name is Santana, but her friends call her Snix—or at least they would, she quips, if she had any friends.

Brittany is instantly smitten with Santana, who is easily the most beautiful girl she has ever seen. 

However, little does Brittany know, Santana is actually under the employ of Sue and was trying to convince Noah to join Sue’s “team” for their hostile takeover of Mount Olympus before Brittany happened upon them.

Over the past seventeen years, Sue has been building up her forces in order to prepare for battle with Stephen. In addition to getting many minor gods on her side, she also plans to free Stephen’s old enemies, the Titans, whom he imprisoned after he bested them when he first rose to power.

Santana first came to work for Sue when she sold her soul in order to save the life of her girlfriend, who would have otherwise died. Unfortunately for Santana, after she made her grand sacrifice to keep her girlfriend in the Land of the Living, her girlfriend ran off with another girl, leaving her behind and brokenhearted. 

Now Santana is obligated to serve Sue until Sue deems that Santana has repaid the “favor” granted to her. Every time Santana fails to please Sue, Sue adds another year to Santana’s sentence. Considering the “mishap” with Noah, it’s starting to seem very unlikely that Santana will ever escape Sue’s service.

Hurt by her girlfriend’s betrayal and jaded by the way the world—and Sue—have used her, Santana no longer believes in love or human decency. The way she sees things, everyone is petty, dishonest, and out to get theirs, and giving your heart to someone is a sure way to get your heart broken.

Meeting Brittany, Santana can hardly believe that “Wonder Girl” is real, not only because of Brittany’s superhuman strength and otherwordly smarts but also because Brittany seems like she is the kind of good Santana doesn’t believe exists.

When Santana reports on the failure of her mission to Sue, Sue learns of Brittany’s survival for the first time and becomes enraged---particularly as she knows that Brittany’s eighteenth birthday is rapidly approaching.

Desperate to stop Brittany before Brittany can stop her, Sue concocts a plan to eliminate Brittany as a threat and enlists Santana, Kitty, and Becky to help her put it into action.

In the meanwhile, Brittany, April, and Lord Tubbington have traveled to Thebes—“the Big Olive”—a city rife with crime and disasters both natural and supernatural. According to April, Thebes is a town in desperate need of a hero, which makes it the perfect place to jumpstart Brittany’s career.

At first, the citizens of Thebes are unimpressed by Brittany, whom they view as a greenhorn. But lo and behold, Santana soon appears, stammering about how there was a landslide in the canyon just outside town, and two little girls are trapped beneath the rubble. She calls on “Wonder Girl” to save the day, and, excited by the prospect of proving herself, Brittany leaps into action.

Brittany easily frees the girls from beneath the boulder where they’re trapped, impressing the crowd, but before she can exit the canyon, she is attacked by a gargantuan hydra, and every time she smites off one of its heads, multiple others grow in its place. The ferocious beast soon devours Brittany---much to the disappointment of the Thebans and much to the delight of Sue, who is the one who sicced the hydra on Brittany in the first place.

Santana watches on from Sue’s side, and though she tries to tell herself that she doesn’t care what happens to Brittany one way or another, she can’t deny that when the hydra finally gobbles Brittany up, a pang goes through her heart.

Luckily, it takes more than being eaten by a monster to stop our intrepid hero: Brittany soon erupts from the throat of the hydra, having cut her way out from the inside with her sword. Using her otherworldly smarts, she then engineers a landslide in the canyon---this one for real---and buries the hydra beneath several megatons of falling rock.

With this first great victory under her belt, Brittany becomes a bona fide celebrity, and her heroic career kicks into overdrive. She battles monsters, stops natural disasters, and performs feats of both strength and cunning, the likes of which the mortal world has never before seen. She is famous beyond famous.

---and Sue couldn’t be more furious.

No matter what she throws at Brittany, it seems that Brittany overcomes it. People are saying that Brittany is invulnerable, but that can’t be true. Everyone has to have a weakness, right?

So Sue sends Santana to suss out what Brittany’s is.

In the meanwhile, riding high on her many and varied successes, Brittany approaches Stephen, believing that she is ready to rejoin him on Mount Olympus. But though she expects him to restore her godhood on the spot, he tells her that, despite her feats, she has not yet become a True Hero.

Enter Santana, who finds Brittany and convinces her to play hooky from heroing for a day. The two girls slip away from April and embark on a series of dates: going to restaurants, watching plays together, and, finally, taking a romantic, moonlit stroll through a statue garden. Caught up in the joy of each other’s company, Brittany forgets, for the time being, that she is still earthbound and separated from her divine family, and Santana forgets that she is still under Sue’s employ---at least until Kitty and Becky appear to remind her of the objective of her mission: namely, to find out what Brittany’s weakness is.

Though she is now reluctant to work against Brittany, Santana dutifully attempts to get Brittany to reveal her weaknesses. But according to Brittany, she doesn’t have any weaknesses. She is completely sound, both body and mind---which is what Santana had expected to find, given that, to her, Brittany honestly seems perfect.

When Santana reports to Sue, she defiantly tells her that Brittany can’t be beaten because Brittany is without weakness, but Sue begs to differ: Brittany has a weakness, all right, and that weakness is Santana.

April happens to overhear part of Santana’s mission report to Sue and realizes that Santana has been working against Brittany all along. When she informs Brittany that Santana is her enemy, Brittany refuses to listen, and she and April quarrel. Thereafter, April leaves to go back to her island, and Brittany is confronted by none other than a devil in the flesh, the goddess Sue herself. 

Sue tries to talk Brittany into taking some time off from her hero gig---just to give Sue a chance to conquer Mount Olympus and get past that pesky “planet alignment” problem---but, predictably, Brittany won’t oblige. 

It’s then that Sue summons Santana to her by magic and binds and gags her before Brittany’s very eyes. Though Brittany tries to rescue Santana, she can’t get past Sue’s magic, and so Sue confronts her with an ultimatum: either Brittany gives up her godly strength for the next twenty-four hours, while the planets are aligned, or else Sue will kill Santana. 

Santana tries to warn Brittany not to consent to Sue’s terms, but Brittany can’t be dissuaded. She agrees to relinquish her strength in exchange for Santana’s freedom, but on the condition that Santana must come to no harm for as long as the deal is in place. Sue quickly binds the agreement and then frees Santana, as promised---though she is also sure to let Brittany know that April was right: Santana has been working for her all along.

Sapped of her strength, Brittany experiences what it truly feels like to be “just like everybody else” for the first time in her life. Unused to functioning without her godly powers, Brittany struggles to complete even the simplest tasks. 

Worse yet: Her heart is broken because Santana lied to her and used her. Though Santana tries to convince Brittany that she never meant to hurt her, Brittany sees now that Santana was right: people are petty and dishonest, and there’s no such thing as love.

While Brittany wallows in the wake of Sue’s revelation, Sue succeeds in freeing the ferocious Titans and starts them on the warpath to Mount Olympus. Along the way, Sue enlists one of the Titans---the frightening cyclops Sandy Ryerson---to destroy Thebes.

Unable to sit back and watch while a monster destroys the city, Brittany takes up her sword to fight, though Santana begs her not to and points out that, without her strength, she’ll be killed.

Horrified, Santana takes Lord Tubbington---with whom she has a strained relationship at best---and seeks out April, just before April is set to embark on a ship back to her island. Santana begs April to talk some sense into Brittany because Brittany won’t listen to her. 

Though April is at first reluctant to return to Brittany’s side, Santana convinces her of the direness of the situation, and they fly back to Thebes to find Brittany already engaged with Cyclops Sandy. 

Brittany is losing the fight---and badly---and even April’s encouragement doesn’t seem to help her much until the final, desperate moment when the Titan is about to bite off her head. Using a burning torch, Brittany blinds his single eye, and he topples backwards, about to fall over a cliff into the sea.

Unfortunately, on his way down, Sandy disrupts a marble column, which falls and would crush Brittany---except that, at the last second, Santana tackles her out of the way and takes the injury instead.

Horrified, Brittany attempts to lift the pillar off Santana. At first, she is unsuccessful, as she still lacks her usual strength. But then her strength is restored to her. Stunned, Brittany wonders what’s happening, and Santana reminds her that her deal with Sue was contingent upon Santana’s own safety. Now that Santana is hurt---no, dying---their agreement is nullified. 

Heartbroken over what has happened, Brittany asks Santana why made it so that the pillar fell on her rather than Brittany, and Santana replies that people always do crazy things when they’re in love.

Though Brittany wants to stay with Santana, she has to stop Sue, who has already reached Mount Olympus and will soon defeat Stephen and the other gods if Brittany doesn’t intervene. April offers to remain by Santana’s side, and Brittany charges off to at last fulfill her destiny.

A mighty battle between Brittany and the Titans ensues, and, in the end, Brittany and Stephen stand victorious, while Sue retreats back to the gloom of the Underworld. Though her plan was foiled, she gloats that she at least has a consolation prize: Santana, who has died while Brittany was defending Mount Olympus.

Unwilling to give up on her True Love, Brittany chases Sue to the Underworld, where she demands that Sue restore Santana to life. At first, Sue tries to schmooze her, but then Brittany cunningly offers Sue a trade, knowing that Sue can never resist wheeling and dealing: Santana’s life in exchange for Brittany’s.

Though Sue hems and haws, she ends up agreeing to Brittany’s terms, and, the instant that she does so, Brittany dives into Stygian depths to rescue Santana and return her to the surface. 

With Brittany already in freefall, Sue reveals that Brittany will die once she submerses in the River Styx, as no mortal can survive there.

But to Sue’s great and unwelcome surprise, as Brittany swims through the River Styx, she not only does not die, but she manages to reach Santana’s soul, pull Santana from the current, and emerge onto the banks of the Underworld, radiating a new and unmistakable light.

Brittany has finally proven herself a True Hero and so has become a goddess.

Brittany then knocks Sue into the River Styx and takes Santana’s soul back to the Land of Living, where she reunites it with Santana’s body.

Together and happy, the two girls ascend to Mount Olympus---only Santana’s entry is denied, as she is a mortal and not a god. 

Knowing that if she chooses to remain on Mount Olympus, she won’t be able to be with Santana, Brittany tells her father Stephen that though she has always longed for a home, she realizes now that Mount Olympus isn’t it.

Her home is wherever she is with Santana.

In commemoration of Brittany’s courage and loving heart, Stephen sets a constellation of Brittany in the night sky, fulfilling April’s dream. 

Brittany opts to remain on earth with Santana, and everyone lives happily ever after, knowing that being a True Hero isn’t just about performing feats of strength and cunning---it’s about works of heart. 

For your consideration:

Jane Lynch is the perfect person to play the femme version of James Woods’s Hades. I mean, seriously: Imagine that woman with blue flames for hair. Imagine her wheeling and dealing a-mile-a-minute, keeping Santana under her thumb and trying to thwart Britt. Plus, I mean, Sue spends so much time in canon trying to take over McKinley that taking over the cosmos in this AU just seems like the logical thing for her to do.

Finn Hudson as that kid from Brittany’s village who tries to tell her that she can’t play discus because they already have five players and they want to keep the game at an “even number.”

Kristen Chenoweth as April Rhodes as a lascivious female satyr.

Kristen Chenoweth singing “One Last Hope.”

Kristen Chenoweth saying the words “the Big Olive” with a straight face. #holla at me, pushing daisies fans

Naya Rivera as Santana Lopez as Megara, who is hands down the snarkiest Disney princess out there.

Santana acting like she thinks love is for suckers when really she wants nothing more than to find someone who will give her a reason to believe in love again.

All that Naya/Santana vulnerability as Santana starts to fall for Brittany.

Santana calling Brittany “Wonder Girl,” at first sarcastically but then with increasing sincerity as the film goes on, until she sounds genuinely in awe of Brittany every time she says the words.

Brittany getting mobbed by screaming fangirls.

Lots of shots of Hemo flexing her guns and looking incredibly dashing in her cuirass.

The sheer awesomeness of Amber Riley/Mercedes Jones rocking all those gospel songs.

“I Won’t Say I’m Love” as a Sancedes duet.

The scene where Santana pushes Brittany out of the way of the pillar and all the soul-crushing emotion of Santana trying to convince Brittany to go out there and “embrace all the awesomeness that she is” in order to save the day, even while Santana herself lays dying.

Our girls live happily ever after in the end.

Plus, check this out:

Bless my soul Britt was on a roll Person of the week in every Greek opinion poll  What a pro Britt could stop a show Point her at a monster and you're talking S.R.O. She was a no one A zero, zero Now she's a honcho She's a hero Here was a kid with her act down pat From zero to hero in no time flat Zero to hero Just like that