Penis Face Moment
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Penis Face Moment

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Oh dear...
I am NOT a child!
Rosalie Oliva Benedict
Whatâs your favorite Marked Ones quote?
The Marked Ones
The upcoming web novel hit! Donât miss your chance to see it! Itâs going to be exciting.
@sefijaonline having fun @scarela with #Paranormal #TheMarkedOnes #AndrewJacobs #GabrielleWalsh #JorgeDiaz #SeFijaOnline #amosart @iamjorgediaz @igabriellewalsh #ScareLA #ScareLA2016 August 6-7 thanks @speedypineda for the photos. (at ScareLA)

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Wow! Awful day ended beautifully! Not only did we have a fabulous rehearsal but my paperback editions of The Marked Ones arrived! It's almost my 3rd anniversary since I first published and I cannot tell you what it means to me to have this paperback- my very first published novel- in my hands at last! Thank you so much for the people who helped get me to this point!!! Xoxoxo #kindle #paperbacks #books #themarkedones #skmunt #mackaypride #amwriting #mermaids #aussieauthor
Dachshund Dollars
âItâs like a one-step Rube Goldberg device that starts with money and ends with smiles.â
This was the soundbite I used on my podcast. It was the opening tag. Â A cold open, if you will. Now, my podcast sucks. It used to suck a bit more, it now sucks a bit less. Itâs a podcast out of Denton, Texas about local characters and bands and art. Anything I can come up with that can fill an hour once a week. Denton is a medium sized town about half an hour out of Dallas. Itâs like Austin but with no public relations. More accurately, itâs like if all the people who were born in Denton who could do public relations moved to Austin to get jobs in public relations. It has a decent music scene. Itâs like a mini hub of liberals in the Republican sub-continent of Texas. Thereâs a band, The Marked Men, they came out of Denton. A couple people have heard of them. On my podcast I interviewed their bassistâs brother.
Itâs my third most downloaded episode.
The brother of the bassist of a band youâve never heard of. And he was a blast.
His name is Dave Klein and he trains dogs.
âSo you train dogs, right? Whatâs that li-â
He cuts me off.
âI donât just train dogs, man! I create franchises! I make mutts that I find in dog shelters-rescues man!- into money making, capital building entertainers. I used to be a CPA. Certified Public Accountant. And it was just this abstract thing. Money. Dollars and cents. Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. And I hated it. I hated the desk I sat at, the company letterhead on our paper stock, the breakroom, the coffee pot, the receptionist. Like, AAAAAHHHHH!, pulling out my hair, I hated it.â
âOh man, thatâs the worst. Working in a job you have no passion for can really be-â
He cuts me off.
âIt can be soul sucking, right? I know. Youâre telling me. So on my lunch break one day, as Iâm plotting my eventual suicide- No, can you cut that out? Iâm just messing around, thatâs too heavy- as Iâm walking around bummed out and just low as dirt, Iâm on my way to get a sandwich. This is before I go vegan. So Iâm walking downtown, tum-tum-tum, stupid-ass me, wearing a suit and tie I hate, Iâm walking to get a sandwich. And then, BOOM,â he claps his hands together right next to the compression microphones making us both wince from the instant headache coming from our cans. That means headphones.
I have a podcast.
âHell, sorry, man.â He whispers, Â âBoom, what do I see?â
He actually pauses for a second. Waiting for an answer to the most rhetorical of questions.
âI have no idea. Your brother?â
âNo man, sorry I donât want to talk about him. He wasnât in town anyway. What do I see?â He leans in closer.
âUm, well I was hoping to talk about him some. In the e-mail we discussed talking about The Marked Men and you providing some insight into their new album that just dropped Tue-â
âIâll tell you what I saw. Downtown there was this guy wearing cargo shorts that were so full of cash that the pockets stuck out like pimples just asking to be burst. Or pimples that were so full that your girlfriend would ask to bust them. You ever get that? Chicks just want to bust those fuckers- sorry, can I curse on this show?â
I shook my head side to side, âWe try not to-â
âCool, so anyway that wasnât even the remarkable thing. This guy, this GENIUS! He had a monkey. One of those little guys. Like Ross had on âFriendsâ? So this guy had his little pall on his shoulder and a crowd was gathered around. Like eighty people. Youâd think Mick Jagger was there-â
I interrupted him, trying to regain control of my show, âYeah, on your brotherâs new album there seems to be an homage to the Stones on track-â
âBut it wasnât anybody famous, it was just some asshole - sorry, regular guy- with a monkey. A macaque I think. The type of monkey. Â And then I see the people in the crowd, they all have dollar bills in their hands. And one by one the monkey comes by and takes their dollar out of their hands, bows and puts it in a bucket. And the people freak out! They clap their hands and are just overjoyed that a monkey took their money and put it in a bucket. And thatâs entertainment at its rawest. You give some money, see something cute, or funny, or shocking, and have this burst of dopamine and oxytocin and feel happy. Happy that you have less money and a bucket has more. Because something furry was the transporter. So I sat there and watched this guy, for three hours. I didnât go back to work.â
At this point I just bailed on the whole premise of what I thought the interview was.
âSo you just quit?â
âI just got started. Thereâs a difference.â
That seemed like either a stupid thing people say to sound smart or a mantra. Maybe both. Iâm still not certain.
âBut you train dogs, correct? Why not monkeys?â
âBecause monkeys are basically people and I donât believe in slavery. And theyâre a pain in the ass and crazy hard to train. You ever train a monkey? You have to break them. Itâs like âShawshankâ except they want to throw shit at you instead of play classical music over the P.A.â
âFair.â
âAnd in the end itâs basically the same thing. Dogs are more fun, more relatable. I grew up with dogs, tons of people do. Anytime there is a crowd half those people had a dog.â
âSo you trained a dog to take money? And people want this?â
âIn droves man! Personally, I donât get it. I mean, bullshit, I kind of get it. So what I do is, once a month I go to a shelter and pick a dog that looks smart, not too pretty. You donât want it to look like a bred dog. Youâre cultivating an image. I train the dogs to stand on their back legs, to stand. Begging. And when people, kids, tourists, whoever, pull out a bill, the dog gingerly, really carefully bites down on it and takes it from their hand. You have to make sure they do it softly, one kid gets his hand bit and youâre screwed. So the dog takes the money walks over to the owner. So the owner sticks his hand out and the dog acts like heâs going to give it to him but then fakes him out and drops it in a bucket. And the bucket has the dogâs name on it. Sparky or Marley, or Krishna or whatever the hell. But he doesnât give it to the owner. So here you have a dog begging. The one thing dogs arenât supposed to do, but heâs being cute, standing up on his haunches. And people give him the money. They donât give the owner the money. They donât give some bum a handout. Thatâs why the fake out and then the drop into the dogâs bucket. Like itâs his cash. He earned it. You donât give money to homeless. You give money to an animal. An entertainer! Like heâs gonna go out and buy dog biscuits and a new collar with it.â
âSo you just train these dogs, you donât actively go out and set up on a corner or downtown?â
âHell no, man. I train these dogs. Iâm not gonna go beg for money. Iâm a professional. I get a thousand dollars a dog. And I make people happy. I created this thing, this performance. I puppet master it. I just train the dogs and sell them to carnies and people who go to music festivals, crap like that. And people love it. Kids especially. And I built it. Itâs like a one-step Rube Goldberg device that starts with money and ends with smiles .People canât help but want to give these things money. Kinda Pavlovian. Get it? Cause Pavlov- â
I cut him off.
âWell thatâs really interesting David, so before we wrap up is there anything youâd like to say about your brotherâs band, The Marked Men?â
âYeah, well they tour all over the damn country, and I bet- I BET- at each festival they play, youâll find one of my dogs. And if you do, donât be stingy. Remember, itâs for the dog.â
It was a great podcast. You know for the standards of my show. But the show is kind of a passion project now. Nowadays most of my income comes from my dog. He drops all the money in a bucket labeled âDeKleinâ.
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