#thecirclereview

Since the dawn of time, humans have flirted with many big questions and concepts. For millions of years our species and those that came before us have been asking one singular question, which is the same question I asked myself multiple times during this movie: why? Why were none of the characters developed? Why was Beck given a much too long concert on screen? Why is, what I assume to be, the last role of Bill Paxton this? Why does he stare at Emma Watson and smile and say “You look so happy, like you are with child”? Why does the movie end so abruptly? Why is the writing terrible? Why does Emma Watson, who you all know I cherish with all my being, have such a muddy story line? Why was this even allowed to be a movie?

All of these questions and more, I’m sure, will never be answered, even in a million more years that humans are inhabiting this earth. All I can say is, as humans we value our privacy and this movie does the exact opposite, it is not only about invading our every nook and cranny, but it actually invaded all my nooks and crannies as I watched and screamed multiple times during the movie not out of horror but because I felt like I was being targeted by this movie. Not targeted in the sense that it was aiming at millennials, of which I do not associate myself, but in the sense that a SCUD MOAB missile targets unarmed civilians. So instead of going any further and speaking anymore about this film for fear of some sort of Betelgeuse/Bye Bye Man type Bloody Mary death scenario where I go to sleep and dream about this movie or it pops up on my news feed, I am going to talk about all the things I could have done instead of watching this movie.

I could have not watched this movie. I could have trusted that Emma Watson just took this part as a make a wish foundation double dog dare. I could have walked into an abandoned church on top of a cliff and watched the ghost of an old sailor wail into the great hall as the wind banged the shutters. I could have watched a video on how to tie a devil’s knot and tried and failed multiple times to learn said devil’s knot and once I did learn, tie myself to the train tracks and pretend I was in a western movie but instead of being saved by a smooth talking cowboy with a questionable past and an award winning smile, I am ran over by the train and my ashes are spread to the four winds. I could have gone to IHOP and ordered a short stack of pancakes as I watched countless elderly people snicker as they get their senior discount and then forget where they are. I could have played with a Ouija board and summoned the spirit of an evil gypsy who then inhabits my body as my wife watches in horror as I writhe on the floor and spell out old gypsy words in blood on the walls. I could have seen Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2 for a third time. I could have gone into my backyard and found an old dirty glass bottle that had a map inside and when I break the bottle my hand gets cut a little but I bandage it up because I know there is an old pirate secret within that map and I follow the map to a wooded glen and dig for 45 minutes until I hear a clink and that clink is just a giant rock and then I get a text from someone that is a sneak peak of The Circle and I watch the clip and even just the few minutes of that clip gets me to walk directly into that hole I dug and start covering myself with dirt as the wolves howl and the moon is full and I bury myself alive only to become a shrieking spook and then I haunt the neighboring condos for the next 72 years until I meet a young child who lost their father and I am the only person who listens to them and they aren’t afraid of my shrieking and horror, and suddenly I have made a friend despite all the odds and finally my soul finds some sort of peace.

It would have been so much easier and more pleasant to go to a Chipotle and as I am ordering they inform me that they are out of chicken and also I will get sick from my meal and as they are wrapping my burrito the shell breaks and they tell me there are no more shells and at that same time a robber walks in and it’s Boss Baby and he points a gun directly at my head and asks me “Are you in The Circle” and I smile knowing that my answer will surely take me to a better place than this. I would have rather seen, again, the scene where Toby Maguire says “Now dig on this” in Spider-Man 3. I would rather watch the terrible scream from Tom Cruise in the Mummy trailer. I would rather make my own movie that I spend twenty years perfecting about a man made of clay who tries to live a normal life but anytime it rains he starts to melt and lose a part of himself and towards the end of the movie he loses all hope and tells his pottery instructure/creator, “JUST KILN ME” and even though he dies he is made into a beautiful work of art for all to admire for thousands of years. While that sounds like an interesting movie and might be a really fun thing to do, the entire time I was being bugged by the studio that there was no money and the lead in the movie is Tom Hanks and all he did the entire time of shooting was tell me about The Circle so there are pros and cons to that story as well.