#thechessmaster

•The X (also named Dimitri)

•Kagekao

•Nathan The Nobody

So in a previous post I talked about the Chessmaster. There is something else that I truly need to talk about.

You know when you like someone, you think about them a lot more then anyone else, right? Well, the Chessmaster crowds my thoughts. The majority of my thoughts (maybe 90%) have to do with him. I don’t think about people this much and it is kind of scaring me. I was talking to one of my best friends last night on this particular topic and he didn’t believe me when I told him how often the Chessmaster is on my mind. He didn’t even believe that I like the Chessmaster as much as I do. So I’m going to say here exactly what I told him. Maybe then my feelings will be real. Maybe my feelings will start to matter. Maybe, just maybe, the next time I tell the Chessmaster something will be different. So here goes nothing…

Where should I begin? How about the fact that he’s always on my mind? When I say always, I really mean always. I think about him whenever I’m working on my story or just writing in general. I’m thinking of him right now, but that’s understandable since I’m writing about him. Whenever someone talks about scripts in any way, I think about him. Whenever I think about camp, he’s one of the first things that comes to mind because I will get to see him and I’ll be happy. When I clean my room or organize my shelfs, he comes to mind because even though I have tons of picture frames filled with many memories, the picture with him sticks out the most. Even though his picture is in a plain black frame, camouflaged with all of the other pictures, my eyes automatically go to his picture because seeing his smile makes me light up with joy. When I get scared by clowns he comes to mind instantly because he is one of the only ones who continues to scare me.

Now you may ask, “How can you like someone who uses your fear against you?” or “How can you like someone who scares you whenever he gets the chance?” Well that answer is simple, at least to me. He makes me happier than anyone ever has. When I read his writing, I’m filled with rediculous amounts of joy. I can’t help but be in a good mood when he talks to me even when he just says hi. Whenever someone talks about him, or I talk to him, or I see him, my heart starts racing, I get butterflies in my stomach that are bigger than ever, and I can’t stop smiling. No one has ever had that effect on me. My ex boyfriend could only make me feel like that when I was with him. The Chessmaster gets me to feel like that all of the time, even when we are far apart.

When I went to New York with my choir, my roommates and I had talked about crushes. I had told them about the Chessmaster and they asked me ” What is it about him that makes you like him so much?” I will tell you the same thing I told them (which happened to be the greatest answer any of us gave). The Chessmaster is smart, like nerd smart, which has always been a major plus for me. I love a guy who can fill me with knowledge without making me feel dumb, which is exactly what he does. He knows a lot about space and stars, which is a big interest in my life. He’s a sound technician, which is, again, a huge interest in my life. In all honesty, if I hadn’t persued a career in teaching, I would be a sound technician. He’s a writer, giving me a strong connection with him. He’s a jokester, but knows when enough is enough, and if he happens to go to far, he is honestly sorry. He is a wonderful person to hang out with because he’s so unpredictable. He’s so easy to talk to and so easy to trust, which is a very difficult thing for me to do. Overall, he’s an amazing guy who can make anyone laugh and smile, who is fun, but can be serious if necessary, who has made a huge impact on my life.

After saying everything that I have in this post and the last one about him, it’s difficult to see how people would think I’m lying. How can you read this and say that I don’t like the Chessmaster? How could I write this, knowing that it doesn’t matter what I feel, unless the feelings were real?

The feelings are real, and they are strong, but like I said before, it doesn’t matter. The feelings don’t matter right now, but I would never give up my feelings for the Chessmaster. There is still that light of hope inside of me that refuses to burn out, telling me that eventually the feelings will matter. So I will continue to have feelings for him, I will let them get stronger, and I will wait and see what happens. There is a chance that the Chessmaster might have feelings for me in the future… I won’t give up until it happens… Or until life forces me to unwillingly give up.

For those of you who know who this post is about, you can probably already guess what I am going to say. The Chessmaster happens to be someone at the camp that I work at, whom I've had feelings for since August. At first, I thought the feelings were produced because of the lack of male attention, even though I was in a relationship. I no longer had the ability to see my boyfriend on a daily basis like I had been used to. As the feelings started to grow, the flirting just came naturally. With the flirtatious nature, came suspicion from everyone at camp. I remember getting overwhelmed with accusations and questions as to what was going on, even though I was fully committed to my boyfriend. I remember getting so pissed off at so many people that I had no idea what to do. I wasn't even upset the they thought I was with the Chessmaster. I was upset that they thought I was openly cheating on my boyfriend, or that they thought I could get away with it at camp. Yeah, I know it didn't last with my boyfriend, but I would've never, in a million years, cheated on him.

The weekend that my boyfriend broke up with me, I had absolutely no idea what to do. The way he actually broke up with me, left me even more confused and hopeful that he would come back to me. A week later, there was a camp weekend going on, which my boyfriend was supposed to come to. That night, when he didn't show up, I knew it was over, that he was done with me and I would never get another chance. I broke down infront of one of my really good friends. In the midst of my break down, guess who decided to hang out with us...you guessed it, The Chessmaster. It took him all of 5 minutes to make me forget about my ex and to have me laughing so hard that my tears became tears of joy.

Once again, my feelings rushed back for the Chessmaster, but they were even stronger due to no longer having a boyfriend. The flirting just came naturally, and it seemed to be a mutual flirt. I wasn't even the one who pointed out the fact that the Chessmaster was flirting with me. The guy that I broke down to was the one who told me that I wasn't the only one flirting. He even pointed out that when the Chessmaster drove up to say goodbye, he had originally planned on staying in the car, waving goodbye from the comfort of his seat. I had turned towards the car and said, "Oh, are you leaving? Drive safely." The Chessmaster pulled his car over, got out, and I was the first person that he hugged. This was the one thing that my friend used to get me to believe that I had a chance with the Chessmaster. That night, I told the Chessmaster how I felt, only to be told that I was just a friend in his mind.

As the months went by, my feelings grew stronger. Whenever I saw the Chessmaster I fell for him a little bit harder. There was nothing I could do to control the feelings, so I told him just four months after being rejected by him. I, however, told him in a different way, not wanting to take a direct approach. I told him that I had liked this guy for months, he was older than me, I was almost positive it wasn't going to go anywhere, but it didn't matter to me. I said I was still going oto like this guy no matter what and nothing could change my mind. He, in turn, guessed that I liked him and, once again, I was rejected by him.

Another month went by, the Chessmaster soon became a huge part of my life. I trusted him so much, practically as much as my best friend. I have recently felt a huge connection with him thru our writing. I have grown comfortable enough to actually share my writing with him, which is something I very rarely do. He has also been open enough to share his writing with me. I love the connection that we share and I have yet to get that connection with anyone in my life.

It is now April, meaning I have had feelings for The Chessmaster for almost 9 months. I have never had feelings for someone for this long. You would think that having such strong feelings for this long would mean something. You would think that they would matter even in the slightest. You would think that he would realize I would be really good for him, and that he woul be really good for me. He is a huge support in my life, even though he doesn't know it. He makes me happier than anyone ever has, even when he's not aware of it.