#theadderalldiaries

The Adderall Diaries (2015)

***thoughts after watching "The Adderall Diaries" and thinking about my own life's memoir in progress... If I ever do write it all down, I suspect some of this may weasel it's way in...*** Brains. We are all smarter than we think. Both more complex and simple. Don't get me wrong. I'm no brain surgeon or neurologist. There's no real science backing my words. They are merely speculation and opinion shaped by what I've read, witnessed and experienced. As it appears to me today, over a lifetime, in the brain, there takes place an ordering of experience, a process of sense making of our perceived realities. Perceptions of the past, present and anticipation of the possible future are all held in the brain. All are quite plastic. Mouldable. Changeable. More so than maybe is helpful for any who dare to be absolutist. See, it seems to me that, very much like sci-fi computer systems that take over the world from humanity to protect us from ourselves, our mental operating systems sometimes do just that for us... "To protect us." It's probably an evolutionary animal trait. But it does limit conscious free will a bit. So I speculate that out subconscious will set up situations to confirm our perceptions of how things are- both in our perceptions of past experiences (which inform our veiling of the present) and of our current situations, as well as how we see things playing out in future. We do create the future. What I mean is, like, setting ourselves up to fail, okay? For example, if I anticipate rejection and go into something believing that will be the outcome, I probably play into that and when it happens the narrative is complete. This is why the story we tell ourselves about ourselves, the world, and others, matters! "Self fulfilling prophecy" is the phrase... It isn't really prophetic and it isn't magic, it's the future we create. It's mouldable. But is as much shaped by our subconscious as our conscious. I guess what I mean is we kind of fuck ourselves over... Or not. I mean it can probably work both positively and negatively. Both are manipulative though. Never quite neutral, never quite real. What I mean is, I believe we can never act consciously on a level perceivable by our full consciousness. How do I clearly communicate to you, poor reader, the amount of times I've been suspicious of my version of the "truth"? It's a bit of a hard sell. Trying to get you to read a version of truth, and also claiming to have probably been delusional in some ways, also having huge perception shifts in my short lifetime thus far...? How do I expect there to be any trust in our relationship? Well let me help you out with that. Don't trust me. I don't and you shouldn't either. Just take this open handed. Don't get hung up on the details. Don't try to judge the characters who have played in my life's narrative - who are mostly real (as real as our perceptions of people ever are). Let us rather just wade into the beautiful unchangeable past... Shaped by our ever changing lens of perception... The murky sludge of memory. What a bitch. Do we create our own projections? Do we fulfill our own expectations? Do we set ourselves and others up to confirm our every bias? Our bias /perspectives/ worldviews/ beliefs/ convictions really all just serving as a narrow filter for us to handle the small dose of reality a single human can hold. We all have our limits. But it just so happens we do have a role in determining them. But by our action or inaction, we do create/ allow our own perceptions to exist AS reality. It all being, of course, made up of perceptions. I mean there is an "absolute" reality, but no human will ever know it, it is not in our design to see things as they are, rather we are divinely created to interpret what is. Just by existing we create. We are created to create and by existing we do just that. We create reality through perception. What a majestic thing. Do we not create " people" also just through our perceptions of them?! Our judgements and misjudgements. Who I was yesterday is not who I am today, whomever wrote the last sentence no longer exists... It's odd and heady bull shit to be sure. But if I can grasp this luminescence I'm reaching for here, I swear it could end much of my pain. Pain that comes from hating and judging others ... Other people that don't really exist. You know? Are you getting this? I'm merely human and therefore my limited view of reality (past , present and future) cannot be used to ultimately JUDGE or fully KNOW or completely COMPREHEND anything or anyone. It is my joy and my design to perceive and to explore and stretch the limits of my unique perceptions... But not to judge... Never to judge. I cannot transcend, my own version of reality, nor will I ever be able to, in order to stand outside and be empowered to do so. Not to judge others nor myself. I cannot fully know or comprehend myself. Sometimes I nearly go mad in the attempt. My brain goes on and on trying to replay trauma and wear out my old records of memory... Any amount of neutrality long since gone. Any impartiality a distant jumble of half baked processes. Trauma and pain and grief. Feelings I numbed which still need to be felt. Mistakes I made that my brain is still trying to account for, and rework. Situations which confused me that it's trying to sort out. Pain too deep to feel at once. Responsibilities I off loaded which now I need to bear. Actions I took which were unaccounted for... Things which were done to me... Devils I never danced with in the pale moonlight. The tapes must be played. It's just the natural reactions to the actions. My madness is no surprise. This labyrinth had been a long time in construction and the only way out of the maze is through. It's only a lay mans brain science. Fill the void. Meet the needs which went unmet. Do the things that are naturally demanded to be done. Feel the pain. Validate that which hasn't been. Celebrate what has gone unnoticed. The simple and the easy and the quick rarely, if ever, are the answer which will actually bring us forward on the journey. My god. It's like Im a detective who worked a million cases and did none of the paperwork. That just not how it goes. It won't do itself and it won't go away. It will pile up and pile up. Until the details become blurred and good recollection is impossible and now sifting through the shit is a nightmare... But it's gotta be done. It's just gotta. I'm about to lose myself in these thoughts... I exist. But somewhat separate from my consciousness. I can only perceive a small portion of myself- some of which does not in fact exist, and some of which exists outside of my perception of myself. That's a little bizarre. But I'm not alone. That's the situation we all face. Whether we want to stare down that barrel or not... The people that I hate today...The resentments that I hold... Those people don't exist. Can it be true?! The pain exists and demands to be felt and processed... But those people don't exist?!! As I perceive them, they are not?! (That was some Yoda type writing...) They may have once, to a degree, but they don't today. I suppose I need to allow them to have changed and to extend that grace to myself to have actually changed...because in absolute reality we absolutely have. And it's okay. It's just okay. It's going to be okay. No one's going to understand, but it's going to be okay. Because you'll create the reality that allows you to exist as okay. It's what brains do for the most part unless we go mad before we get there. Unless our perceptive impulse turns on us. But in actual reality it will be okay too...God's got that. Yes I do believe in God. This perception requires that there's a higher power who stands outside of our perceptions, who can actually acknowledge the world unbiased and yet also receive our perceptions. This is above our consciousness. And I don't believe we are responsible for all that. However, it makes sense that we ARE responsible for living in the world as we understand it the best we can. That's a reasonable ask I think. It's what makes sense to me today, to the me who won't exist tomorrow.... Existing is a divine task.

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