#thatbeingwrites

The ones people talk about in songs and poems

The way the leaves seem brighter under the yellow rays, the way the colors shine through the darken filters,

the warmth it gives when the wind is just too chill, whispering that winter is here to stay

And that's the thing, heat over here never really leaves, it lingers

I sure love the sounds, the cold, the comfort of the rain

-”You should stay here, with me.”

His whisper like the gentle gust of the wind around them. Cuddled in the makeshift bed on the truck, the twinkle of infinite stars taking up all of their view…it sounded real. It felt possible. But,

-”Maybe I, we…maybe we should…but could we? There’s so much more to us, so much more we could be, that we could…do”

The last word came out as a sigh. Not one of relief, no, a pained sigh akin to a breath held between persistence and resignation

. -”You tell me. I mean, here we are again, airing our grievances to the void, crying on each other’s shoulders. It means something…don’t you think?”

It always started here, it always ended here. Still.

-”It’s not like that, c’mon. There are sunny days and rainy days and, yes, yes I know you’ve been with me on all that and the in-betweens. I’m grateful for that.”

A nostalgic smile played on her lips, hesitant. The sparkle in her eyes reflected all the beauty she was gazing above. The way he looked at her felt like there was nothing else he would rather be doing but admiring her. And listening.

-”When I’m with you it’s like, as cliche as this may sound, like everything is possible! Don’t laugh, c’mon, I’m pouring my heart out for you here! You have a way of convincing me that all the things I so desperately crave are destined to be, no matter how bad things are going. By your side it’s where I can think, where everything makes sense, where all is right…When I’m with you-”

-”There’s no place I would rather be” - he sing-songed to the Clear Bandit rythm.

Her heart filled with pure joy in moments like these. His angelic voice, his weird laugh, the cute crinkled nose with the bright smile…Damn. She aways knew it was too perfect.

-”You’re proving my point, you belong with me. Just…stay.”

She sat up, back against the driver’s cabinet, framing the city’s distant skyline into view. As mesmerizing as the dreamy landscapes are, the uneven geometry of a big city added a lot to the scenery, specially with it’s artificial neon halo around it at night. Were things aways this ”mesmerizing”? Was it because she was here, with him?

-”I worked so hard to get where I am, but it never stops requiring work. Four years of college and counting…God knows how many hours of practice, extra lessons, monetized hobbies…Relationships kept with so much effort…Fuck, it all costs so much effort…”

-”You know, I’m no expert but am willing to bet it shouldn’t be like that. Nobody said it was easy, yes, but-”

-”No one ever fucking said it was be this hard” - she completed in a huff.

And even when it seems to be getting manageable…here she sees herself again. It needs to be said.

-”I think…the better you paint the picture, the worse it feels when it burns down.” - the silence was almost eerie. Her head rarely shuts the hell up. -”Did you got me all the way here? In some ways, yes, like a, a crutch, like a wheelchair sometimes. I needed you. And I’m sure I will need you again in the future. Right now I have no time to spare, no room for slip ups or, or unreal expectations.”

-”So… your saying goodbye…for now”

The hope in his eyes was a threat to anyone’s determination. But God she wishes it is not “for now”

-”I’ve said it before haven’t I? And I came back. Surprised you still take me.”

She said with humor, trying and failing to light up the mood a little bit.

-”You’re the only one that I want. Will always, always be here when you need me. And, to be honest? I need you more than the other way around. You’re the smart, creative, ambitious one. The world is yours baby, I’m just so lucky to be living in it, with you.”

That…is all she wanted, hell, all she needed to hear. Every day, from…him, yeah. Never mind he’s the only one who sounds like he means it.

She cuddle back in his arms, not wanting to see the tears when they started falling from his eyes. Yet, while the fireworks danced in the sky, she stole a glance of his solemn expression, streams glistening colorfully down his cheeks, before closing her eyes.

It's what I've been asking myself these days. How much of a plant can you salvage by weeding out the vile parts? How much of the decay will show on it's trunk? It's leaves, if it ever comes to grow them... How late is too late to try and save it?

I mean, why would we leave the only person who ever promised us so much love? Yeah, he isn’t easy, but neither are we. Haven’t I learn that years ago? Everyone says he has so much patience with me, patience that they never had!

So she showed him patience as well. She knew, back then, that love is not easy, especially not for people like them. And she wanted to be all that he said she was, in the beginning: his ray of sunshine, the only good thing in his life, his life savior. Anything he needed. As long as we could say it was love, no one could say otherwise.

On the other hand, maybe 17 year old me would be proud. Maybe not. After all, she took the decision, of breaking up. But she regretted it. The moment people said he’d hit rock bottom, the day his mother called, late at night asking if I knew where he was, if he gave me any news… But specially the day she found out he already had another.

We new we couldn’t last much longer with him. When we snapped, it was either breaking up or seriously harming ourselves, or him. Still, we worried everyday afterwards: what if he did something stupid, on porpoise or not? What if they blame me again? What if we actually could had saved him? It only lasted a couple of weeks, though.

And he moved on, immediately. And it was, at the end, all for nothing. They loved, cared for, and forgave him, and never received anything in return, not even peace or closure.

18 was a blur. It’s hard to say what she would think of today, she just wanted everything to end. Didn’t really mattered how. 16, 17 thought about ending all, too, but hey, we had to stick around, for him. He was always worse than me right, emotionally. We were all he had… Until we weren’t. We were all we had. And it wasn’t enough.

We weren’t very present, for most of the time. Best to just put on some distraction and check out while pretending to watch it. We tried to appear fine, cause we knew momma told us so, we didn’t need to hear it. We felt pathetic enough to have believed it would pay out if we just endure it. Back at 16 a lot of people definitely believed we could change him. Or so they said so. But at 18, in 2019, we saw how the world viewed girls like us.

From 19 to 22 there was a lot of fear of the future, come to think about it now. Way more than hope. Fear of Covid. Fear of the oh so many crises happening, right when it was time to be an adult and deal with all that on our own. But when have we not been on our own right? Well, now. There was a new boyfriend, and along with him the fear of him also turning out to be abusive. Then the fear of being too much for him.

Past 18, all of the old mes would be proud of 23 years old me, for the most parts. Maybe they would rather not have to hold back tears when talking about 16 year old us. Maybe they don’t approve our therapist calling us victims. But that’s ok, I’m not ready to call myself that either.

The odd abbreviation on the text told him who sent it. Andrew picked up the phone to answer, putting the guitar down on the bed and sitting up a little. The question by itself sends his heart rate up a few beats so there’s an attempt to calm himself down. Plus,

“U awake at 1 am? I thought babies got to bed at like 9pm lol”

“Sure, shoot it”

Yeah, he figures that sounds laid back enough. But the casual mood goes out the window bit by bit with every second it takes Dee to type. Fidgeting with his too-long-too-flashy blond hair, his thoughts are taking their own escape routes. Should I dye it brown? Should I just make a “straight guy” buzz cut? Maybe the handful of people who ask for pictures on the street will stop recognizing him. For a while. But she wouldn’t like that, she likes my long curl-

“ Do u remembr that one party we talked about kink and u said u could never do a ‘non sexual spanking’? Do u still think that?”

Oh wow, he did not see that coming. It takes a full minute to recover from the whiplash, and another to reprimand the fantasies lurking in the back of his mind and focus on the answer. Of all his kinks, Drew thought, that’s probably one of the most arousing ones, specially considering there are plenty that do not have that effect at all. He knows most, if not all of Dee’s relationship with bdsm it’s non sexual. Actually, she’s a very non sexual person altogether, which makes the whole situation a little more confusing. On that note, when has he said that? It makes sense that it was at a party, still that doesn’t narrow it down at all since they know each other for almost a decade. Why was she even thinking about that…

“Uhm, I think so, yeah… I don’t remember the context of that conversation, and it’s been a while since I got to be a dom but” - No no no, scratch that. Too many awkward follow up questions could come out of sharing too much. Keep it clean -

“Drew? It’s that okay for me to ask? I don’t want to be annoying u don’t have to answer if it’s too personal”

“Hey, no”

“Actualy, never mind ok, pretend I didn’t ask”

“Don’t do that, u know u don’t bother me”

“ I was thinking about it, I didn’t know what to say at the top of my head like that”

“…sorry

I dont want u to be mad”

She’s more of a mess than usual. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep. Maybe that’s why she can’t sleep. Damn, the urge to take care of her clears his mind like nothing else. If it was anyone else, the defensive and self pitting responses would get on his nerves and sidetrack the conversation. She knows him well. And he also knows her, hence why he thinks something is up.

“Tbh I think it’s still true. Perhaps if it was with someone I’m really not attracted to, I could ignore the sexual stuff… Otherwise it would not be worth the discomfort”

“Y u ask?”

An even longer pause follows. He contemplates calling her, even though she hates it, just to ask more questions, but it was gonna reach too close to overreacting for his liking. It was a pretty inconspicuous topic, after all they only have their friend group to talk about that stuff. However, that one on one felt kind of… personal. Is he actually jumping to conclusions about why a sub would ask a dom about a heavily d/s practice? Is he trying to see it as a weird interaction because he doesn’t want to think about where the conversation may go?

“Dee?”

…

/

“Sorry about that night, I fell asleep. Sorry for being all over your business as well, don’t know y i askd”

“Sure, np”

Turning his phone off it’s the best way he finds to concentrate on the recording instead of her, for once, after a week.

/

“May I call u”

Barely at home, stressed from working non stop, Drew notices the text is from hours ago. At another time he could preserve himself and deny it, but he’s convinced he just needs to know what’s going on with this disappearing act of hers, just need to hear her voice. He’s not going to get frustrated nor anxious again. Gathering the courage, and honestly not even expecting her to see it right away:

“Of course”

And the phone immediately stars vibrating.

“Hey Dee, good to know you’re alive haha”

“hey, yeah… Sorry for dropping out of the face of the Earth like… I hope you were not worried…or…anything…”

Her voice sound small on the other side of the call, and her words are coming out with a bit of struggle. With just a few words he gets a bad feeling-

“Are you ok? Do you need anything like, can I help you with-”

“hope i’m not bothering I just needed to…Idon’tknow”

“You at home? I can come over to talk-”

“NO, no…I - can I come over? I’ll try to be there before 7 ”

And at this point his full on worried about her. With a bit of back and forth she at least agreed to meet him at the door of her studio after she picked up something she forgot at work. At least that part is on character for her. Parked near the entrance, at 7 pm exactly, Drew’s watching a variety of people on their phones, carrying suitcases, scratching paint of their hands, just going about their days. It feels nice, cause it all looks so normal. Since they started working bigger roles, higher positions and being big names in each of their industries, this two grew a little bit apart. If you ask them while together their opinion on that would be dismissive and chill, but separately…

It was almost 8 when he recognized the long purple hair. Good thing it was from a distance, ‘cause the mismatch of cute bows and chains, leather harness and a baby-pink skirt, tied with thigh height girly socks under combat boots… does things to him he is so not ready to admit. Before she could seat next to him, his breathing has evened and his blushed cheeks were more discreet. Not that the girl would have noticed, since she barely look at him the whole ride. Dee acknowledged his attempts at small talk by humming and mumbling one or two words. She’s distant sure, but it doesn’t seem like she’s mad. Spacy, ditzy… slow…

“Are you high?”

He was too in his head to drive. Almost sure he ran a red light, he pulled over close to a busy cafe. Just a sense of normalcy and casualness, it’s what the situation needs.

“What? No! I shot God knows how many scenes, attended a contract meeting, and even printed some material, I’m fucking exhausted!”

“My bad Dee, I, I’m just worried, you haven’t even complained about work, you seemed somewhere else sinc-”

“Complaining would be acting more like me right”

That’s not what he meant. She probably knows that, so he swallows an snarky come back and tries again. At least she didn’t storm off the car. Small victories.

“Please Dee, can you at least look at me? I know you need to talk, you need someone right now and I-”

With each word his voice sounded louder and more exasperated. This was a moment he really did not wanted to be so emotional. Andrew rubbed his face, frustrated, and kept his eyes shut with force whilst taking deep breaths. His little “anger management drill”, as he was hyper aware of now. It does the trick every time. Until, of course, he opened his eyes to find Dee staring at him expectantly, with her big brown eyes shinning under the street lights. Her bottom lip was bruised under her teeth, leading to the thought that she must have bitten then a lot lately. Completely absorbed by instinct, Drew brushed his thump down her lip to free it from her grip, making her mouth fall agape with a small sigh. His rational part began fighting for control, telling him to turn around, clear his throat, anything to break the trance. This woman means too much for him to have the guts to make a move and risk rejection, or worse. He was withdrawing his hand when she leaned into the touch, letting her eyes softly close, giving her a relieved expression that locked his mind on the desire to kiss her.

And oh, hadn’t her felt just like he imagined. A quick brush of their lips got him tasting candy flavored lipstick and a whole lot of craving. Before any of them could overthink it, Drew pulled her close by the back of the neck, tangling his fingers on her soft curled locks. Their lips met with more intensity this time, just like two lovers who finally reunited after decades, lifetimes, centuries apart. Dee melted to his touch, giving him access to play with their tongues, a breathless moan slipping from her as he did. One of her hands rested lightly on his arm, encouraging to keep caressing her hair, and the other held tight to the neck of his shirt, pulling him impossible closer with every passionate move they made. The only thing stopping him from siting her in his lap for easier accesses was the public space they were parked at. Or so he thought. In need for more touch, more contact with her heat, his free hand wandered down her skirt, inciting Dee to push him back, grabbing his hand, and anxiously covering her legs. The expression on her face went from panic to anger for a split second, but Drew’s clenched jaw and fists made her turn away in barely disguised shame.

“Let me see it”

“Fuck off Andrew”

“If it’s no what I think then show me, Desiree. At least look at me and say it.”

“And don’t you dare try and lie, to me of all people.”

Almost unconsciously, Drew rolled up his sleeves and crossed arms on his chest. They were almost imperceptible under the numerous tattoos, but Dee knew where each one were. She could paint those strong arms from memorie, with all of its drawings, it’s marked veins, all of it’s faded scars. That’s why she couldn’t meet his eyes.

“It’s not like that. I didn’t mean to.”

Without a word, he started the car and headed to the residential part of town. Dee tried to make him say something, anything, to yell at her, voice his anger and disappointment. But he just looked forward, maintaining a vice grip on the wheel. It was only when they were under the car shelter that he finally spoke:

“I’m not angry at you Dee. More sad than anything. No, not with you, just…with the situation. Just.., C’mon, talk to me babe.”

Curled away at her seat, a million thoughts passed through her mind, but not a single one could make past her emotional block. She swore it wasn’t a big deal on the drive there, except now, under the gravity of Drew’s earnest concern, it all started feeling like too much. So much so that she couldn’t keep the tears from falling anymore. She heard a deep breath being let out next to her, then the driver’s door opening and closing loudly, making her jump. The mixture of feelings where flowing now, clouding her mind with guesses of what’s going on on his. She wanted to be ok, wanted to talk and explain herself, but she doesn’t want to be seen, doesn’t want to open up. More so, she wants to scream her anger, curse her friend for the judgement, for the betrayal.

As the passenger door opened and she made no sign of taking his hand, Drew caressed her hair down to the back of her neck, and met no resistance while carrying her close to him, with an arm on her back and another under her knees. Kissing her right above the ear, still with her face hidden on his chest, he felt her breathing slowing to a more healthy rhythm. Content, he whispered while taking her inside: